Just Call Me Fatwife

SCHMUTZIE: Wow. I got fatter in only two days. I hope you don't mind having a fat wife.

PALINODE: Not at all.

SCHMUTZIE: You answered that wrong. It's like you just agreed that I'm fat.

PALINODE: Oh.

SCHMUTZIE: See, you responded all wrong again. It supposed to be that I say I'm fat, and then you say I'm not fat, but that you would still love me if I was.

PALINODE: Oh, right. You're not fat.

SCHMUTZIE: That was very convincing.

PALINODE: Right, and I would still love you if you were fat, Fatwife.

SCHMUTZIE: Did you just call me fat?

PALINODE: No. I called you Fatwife. It's one word. In fact, it's your new name.

SCHMUTZIE: Really.

PALINODE: Yes. It has nothing to do with your being fat, though. It's just a name. Do you mind if I call you Fatwife?

SCHMUTZIE: Actually, yes.

PALINODE: It's sad that you don't like your own name, Fatwife. It's going to be hard to refer to you if you won't let me say it.

SCHMUTZIE: You're lucky I still love you as much as I do.

PALINODE: I love you, too, Fatwife.

----------------------------

You know that parasitic infection that makes us like cats? Sometimes I think that's how marriage works.

Love,

Honesty Is the Key to a Good Marriage

It is evening, and Schmutzie and the Palinode are in their living room with their laptops open and Mad About You re-runs playing in the background.

SCHMUTZIE: Don't mind me being all over the floor. I'm just stretching out my back.

PALINODE: Uh-huh.

SCHMUTZIE: I think all the travel and public speaking stress has, quite literally, floored me.

PALINODE: Yep.

SCHMUTZIE: I wish I could do all my work from this position. You know, just suspend my laptop from the ceiling or something.

PALINODE: Sounds good.

SCHMUTZIE: It would probably fall on my face and break my nose, though, and that would be the stupidest blogging accident ever.

PALINODE: Definitely.

SCHMUTZIE: Are you even listening to me?

PALINODE: Of course.

SCHMUTZIE: So, you're watching television, reading blogs, and having a conversation with me all at once?

PALINODE: Oh, no, not really. I'm actually just enjoying this picture of Frank Sinatra eating a giant stack of pancakes.

image from the collection of the Margaret Herrick Library

This is us, doing the important work. He's a keeper.

Schmutzie and the Palinode Start Vlogging

Although I have done a couple of vlog-type things in the past — doing Ethel Merman impressions with a cereal- and peanut butter-encrusted puppet counts, right? — I have wanted to do more on the vlogging front (video + blog = vlog). The Palinode has done some good work with the MamaPop video roundtables, among others, so, after years of overlooking the bounty right under my nose, I finally had the good sense to ask him if he would collaborate with me on some vlogs.



Our plan is simple. You will ask us a question in the comments. It can be about anything. It can be about us, one of us, or not about us at all. Seriously, we're game. After we choose a question, we will answer it in three minutes or less and put the video up within the week.

We also haven't named this thing yet, so if you've got a snappy idea, throw that in, too.

Are you in? Bring on the questions!