We Are More Than the Stories of Our Fears

I have been living with a lot of fear lately. I know I gave a whole talk on self-doubt and how to move through it so you can be greater than you know, but I'm still a huge fraidy cat, because so much of life looms so large. Some of it looms large and ugly, but even the parts that loom large and glorious are scary. I know I'm not the only one who feels this.


photo credit: Palinode

I have a lot of good things going on right now. I'm going to be the closing keynote speaker at BlogWest 2013, I'm going to be a speaker at Mom 2.0 Summit, I'm collaborating with an artist on a book right now, I have this new Three Way Death Match podcast, I am working on the highly-important-to-me #365poems project, and my design and consultation work is keeping me happy, challenged, and fed. These are all things that go in the looming-large-and-glorious camp, and yet they still scare the bejeezus out of me some days.

Can I do all of this?
Do people's expectations of me match my actual skill set?
Can I do all of this?
What if I make/say/do things, and people don't like them?
Can I really do all of this?
Do I have the strength to handle as much rejection as I might be asking for?
Can I really, really do all of this?

So, I was sitting here running through the list of all the things I could possibly fail at over the next six months when I watched this video that Jen Lee shared, "The Scared is scared", and now you have to watch it, because I said so, and it's good for you:

I'm waiting. No, really. Watch it. It's beautiful, and it's going to make you think better thoughts.

Did you watch it? Good. Now we can talk about it, because it reminded me of a couple of incredibly important things, one being this:

"When the scared feeling comes into you, the Scared is scared of things you like."

So I paused the video and thought of things I liked: I like holding hands with the Palinode under the table when we're out with friends, crunching through frozen blueberries with my back teeth, spooning with Onion, hanging out with friends from all over the world on Skype, waking up from a sleep so heavy it feels like I've just returned from an epic journey, all the shades of blue-green my dining room wall turns as the daylight shifts, and cold butter on slightly burnt toast.

I actually started to feel a little better, and then I got to what is my favourite part of the video, the point when we find out what happens after the story of Asa Bear and Toby Mouse at the pool ends:

"So, what are Asa Bear and Toby Mouse going to do when the pool closes?"

"They have so much that they can do in the winter. There are stories about winter. There are stories about other things. I have heard they once even had a sleepover."

When I am living inside my fear, it is so easy to forget that all these other stories are also going to unfold. It is so easy to forget that all these other stories will become possible both inside of and after the ones that are already happening now. It feels like a revelation every time I remember this:

Bits of yourself speak to you from your past about what happened then, and the you of now speaks to those stories about how they sit in the context of all that has happened since, and you become a powder keg of stories informing stories.

Scared is scared of the things I like, and I am more than the story of my fear.

We are all more than the stories of our fears.

And, if/when one failure or two failures or a whole avalanche of failures happens, they are not the ends of any stories, not really, because there are always, always more stories, and they've already begun somewhere, even as I felt myself falling down a hole. I just didn't know it yet.

TEDx Talks: Elan Morgan's "Self-Doubt and the Power of Personal Narrative" at TEDxRegina

On May 16, 2012, I had the great opportunity to speak at TEDxRegina.



I have spoken on panels at blogging conferences before, but, until May, I had not stood in front of a group of people to speak alone since my grade 12 English class in 1989. I delivered that talk through two plastic spoons dressed in superhero capes while I hid behind the teacher's desk that I was using as a spoon stage, because public speaking is my greatest fear next to death.

Naturally, of course, I chose to talk about self-doubt, and the business of getting my talk together became a study in my own subject while I worried over images and the structure of my storyline. Working toward this TEDxRegina talk required me to call upon a level of personal fortitude I honestly wasn't sure I had, but it turns out now that I do, and it is this medium and so many of you over the last almost nine years that brought me here to this point where I can accomplish things I once had no faith I could accomplish.

Thank you.

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PS. Here are the slides from my presentation by themselves: Self-Doubt and the Power of Personal Narrative

25 Things to Know and Do About Self-Doubt

#1: Self-doubt is sometimes a reflexive self-defense mechanism that your brain uses when it feels vulnerable.

It's less about actually doubting yourself and more about the fear of change and moving forward. While it's natural to have the urge to stay safe, staying safe sometimes contraindicates well-being.

#2: Doubt the doubt.

Deepak Chopra said that first, but it's worth repeating.

#3: Kick something.

Doubt is liable to make you feel powerless, so you might as well bully the furniture.

#4: Call a person who values you and ask them to tell you why you're great.

They will tell you things that surprise you and give you new reasons to doubt the doubt.

#5: Think about that time you loved something really well, be it a person, a cat, or a favourite blanket you carried with you until it fell apart.

Don't think about how that love began or ended. Just sit with that feeling you had in the middle of the story, because that's when the power you have inside you was able to really come out. You can do that.

#6: Keep carrot sticks handy or other good food that your mouth really has to work at to eat.

That will give you something healthy to do while you grind your teeth.

#7: Go for a walk with a checklist of things to notice. Treat it like a treasure hunt.

This will help your brain break the cycle you've looped into and move you on to other thoughts.

#8: Don't let those people who tell you to love yourself and your body make you feel like you're doing it wrong if you don't.

Loving yourself in the way you might love something external to you probably involves a pathological level of dissociation that is both a) unsustainable and
b) unbalanced.

#9: Put on a song you love, turn up the volume, and dance.

Being in your body will help you get out of your head.

#10: Remember that your self-doubt has nothing whatsoever to do with the actual measure of your worth.

Self-doubt needs no empirical evidence to survive. It lives independently of your actual qualities and abilities.

#11: Eat chocolate.

It is the food equivalent of love.

#12: Do something you know you're good at.

Give yourself a break from the thing causing your self-doubt by giving yourself a confidence booster shot, even if it's something as simple as baking that perfect loaf of bread you boast about.

#13: Sleep.

If you feel the need to nap at some unusual hour, do. Self-doubt loves a weakened constitution.

#14: Make someone's day.

Send a friend flowers, walk into a local charity and ask if there is some menial task they need done but can't get to, or pick up a stray and take it to the humane society. Watching yourself transform someone's life, if only for an hour, does wonders for your self-faith.

#15: Drink water.

Did you know that even subtler levels of dehydration can bring on anxiety? It's easy to confuse physical distress with deeper internal conflict.

#16: Do something that made you feel good in the days before self-doubt became such a complex beast.

When I was a kid, I would buy a small bag of those gummie cherries that taste a bit like cough syrup and dole them out to myself slowly all day when no one was watching like they were my secret medicine. I don't do this one enough now.

#17: If that eye twitch won't quiet down, stick an eye patch over it and say "Arrrrrgh".

It's okay to own it.

#18: Remember that your doubt is not an authority on anything.

Self-doubt is a mood, not an individual with the right to dictate truth to you.

#19: Think about how it's not possible for you to suck as much at whatever is triggering your self-doubt as that person who really, really sucked at it.

That guy who actually died on stage? He's already filled the statistical quota for that kind of thing. You're golden.

#20: Borrow someone else's belief in you.

Remember that person who loved you really well and mentally tuck them in your pocket. You might not know that you have what it takes, but they do.

#21: Dress up in the clothes that make you feel the most attractive, confident, and strong.

Playing the part can bring on feeling the part.

#22: Self-doubt is a sign that what you are doing is important to you.

It can be a tool that helps you to slow down and take care as you move forward.

#23: Learn a new skill.

If you're spending a lot of time concentrating on how your old skill set isn't so hot, maybe its time to update your personal resume.

#24: Take some of your power back outside, and you'll feel it inside.

Get rid of something or someone that makes you feel bad about yourself. Sometimes self-doubt is an internalization of negative feelings that actually have nothing to do with how much you're not perfect at something.

#25: Share something with people that you've been afraid to say out loud.

Self doubt blooms in isolation, and hiding things that are important to you can make you feel unnecessary shame. Let yourself out into the light, and you'll be surprised by how many people say Me, too.