Schmutzie's Avocado Berry Banana Wonder Smoothie for Health and Smug Self-Satisfaction

Something you may or may not know about me: I tend to eat like absolute, utter crap. If it's salty or made of lard, I'm ordering it in on a Friday night, or a Tuesday if I'm in the mood, or any other day, really.

♫ Butter cream icing and fried chips with gravy
Spicy beef jerky and ice cream and ramen
Tubs of onion dip and flaming cheese
These are a few of my favourite things ♪

In my ongoing effort to lead a more gastronomically balanced life, though — because, hello, I fear death as much as the next person — I've taken to making smoothies in the morning, and I've ended up inventing a handful of smoothies that I actually choose to eat over that secret stash of tortilla chips I have squirrelled away. In fact, I invented one just this morning that is so full of healthful goodness that it swelled my chest with self-satisfaction.

Just so you know, I am better than you now. Superior, even. I am a magnanimous blogger, though, so I will share my superiority-inducing smoothie recipe with you. You're welcome.


Schmutzie's Avocado Berry Banana Wonder Smoothie

1. Cut half of a frozen banana into chunks and throw it in a blender.



2. Add a ¼ cup of frozen blueberries



3. Add half of a fairly soft avocado. Yes, you heard me. AVOCADO. This is the ingredient that makes that whole self-satisfaction factor come alive.



4. Add unpasteurized, locally-sourced honey. I don't tend to measure it out very carefully and often add it a few times throughout the process until I achieve the sweetness I like. It could be a teaspoon. It could be three tablespoons. I have no idea.

Honey is the kind of added sweetness that you don't have to feel bad about, though, because, unlike other sweeteners, it has a healthy glycemic index and is full of nutrients. Also, if it's unpasteurized and locally-sourced, it can actually help boost your immune system and alleviate allergies. It's true!



5. Add one cup of soy milk. You can use almond or rice milk, too, if you like. If you use cow's milk, you will suck the smugness right out of this recipe, and also? You're gross for liking whole cups of other animals' glandular secretions.

If I am to be honest, though, I eat cheese and yogurt and ice cream and whatnot. I'm just really getting off on feeling high and mighty right now. This smoothie is powerful stuff.



6. Puree the crap out this mother.



7. Because of the vegetableness of the avocado, you might want to test for fruitiness at this point. I added some frozen strawberries and blackberries to fruit up the flavour a bit.



8. Puree again until smooth, and voilà! You now have a sweet, healthy breakfast with a good dose of self-satisfied smugness on the side.



Now that I've balanced out the forces, I feel like a burger and fries are in order. We wouldn't want my arteries to get too holier-than-thou, now, would we?

Me at Aiming Low: How To Make Lemony Garlic Mockamole

Check out my piece, "How To Make Lemony Garlic Mockamole", at Aiming Low:

I was hungry, I didn't feel like doing any real cooking, and I was out of peanut butter, so I grabbed an avocado and started pretending like I knew what to do with it. Fake it 'til you make it, they say. They're smart.

The Potato Prescription: Lemony, Lemony Roasted Potatoes With Garlic

I have been given opportunity to panic recently. I'm not going to tell you why, because I am all about creating suspense, but I am going to tell you how I deal with that panic.

Me and panic have a long history. We met back in about 1974 and became fast bedfellows. It wasn't until sometime in 1999 when I found out that, aside from being a versatile starch, potatoes could be wonderfully calming when I found myself having an extended episode of anxiety in my bathtub, which is where I like to have my extended episodes of anxiety. Potatoes mellow me out. I've never looked into the science behind it, but it works.

With my recent bout of panic, I decided that it was time for a good, strong dose of my favourite starch: Lemony, Lemony Roasted Potatoes With Garlic. They get two lemonys, because these babies are lemony.

Lemony, Lemony Roasted Potatoes With Garlic

5 medium potatoes
¼ cup olive oil
¼ cup lemon juice
½ teaspoon salt
2 teaspoons dried oregano
3 cloves minced garlic

Cut each of the potatoes in half and boil in salted water for 15 minutes. Drain the water and cut the potatoes into smaller chunks.

Mix the rest of the ingredients together and then toss them with the potato chunks until the potatoes are evenly coated.

Bake the potatoes in a single layer in a baking pan at at 400°F for 45 minutes. Turn the potatoes over after a little more than 20 minutes to ensure even roasting.

EAT.

A pile of these tart potatoes, taken at the first sign of panic, especially when coupled with a nap, will set you aright. Panic: averted.*

You're welcome!

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* Unless of course there's babies, in which case panic is always indicated, plus you could win free stuff if it is before March 16, 2011.