Has Blogger Always Been This Salty?

Blogger.com asked me to prove that I am not a robot by testing my ability to suss out the word "analfire" in this captcha:



I'm twelve, so this made my whole afternoon.

Also, it makes me question what Blogger's been doing with its bad self lately.

Mouse or Balloon People Porn? It's All In the Eye of the Beholder.

One of the apps I use to edit photos on my iPhone is Iris Photo Suite. In the FX part of the app, there is little icon for Art FX that has always confused me. I have circled it in red in the image below:



I could never figure out what it was, because I was sure that it wasn't what I thought it looked like. It couldn't be, because I thought it looked like...

wait for it...

TWO BALLOON PEOPLE HAVING SEX.

I knew it couldn't be that, so I looked and looked and looked at it this afternoon, because I just could not fathom that a group of creatives sat around a table and decided that TWO BALLOON PEOPLE HAVING SEX was the perfect icon for Art FX.

And then it finally hit me after months of giggling at the two porny balloon people. It's MICKEY MOUSE:



This has been bugging me for months, and now I feel like I just failed some kind of basic psychological test, and you're all going HMMMMM and mentally writing me out a prescription.

If you are, can you make that prescription out for something smooth and slow like those 1970s disco biscuits that the educational films of my youth made look so good? Thanks.

The Palinode Rocks a Flowered Pashmina and Saves Kittens

Last night, I tweeted the following:



And then I tweeted:



There were some who doubted the veracity of my statements.

Ha! In your face, doubters. Behold the Palinode in all his kitten-saving, be-caped glory:



You know you're doing well when the man you married blossoms into a Do-Me-cape-wearing kitten-saver. I'm so proud.

Five Lists of Three

I like lists. I like to write lists, I like to read lists (oh, 5ives, please come back and keep existing), and I even created a whole community around making lists.

I like lists enough that I feel somewhat compelled at times to write them, and I like to imagine how I will go about constructing them before I even know what they're about. For instance, I usually make lists using certain patterns depending on their pre-determined length. If the list's points equal a multiple of three, I will write every third point in a round until all of the spots are filled. Sometimes I will cut and paste the points into different places within the list to increase the apparent randomness of the line lengths. My lists are very carefully constructed to imitate chaos.

My particular kind of list-making is a sickness, really, but it gives me so much satisfaction with its delicious and perverted measure of control and affected chaos within that control. It's sick, but it's my kind of sick, and I like it.

Anyway, tonight's lists are all about letting my brain work through its ticks and repetition issues so I can actually sleep, so here are a few short ones to sing me into slumber.


Three Things I Hate About Eggs, Even Though I Like To Eat Them

1. They smell like farts.
2. Sometimes the goo on top of the yolk in a sunny side up egg has the exact consistency of snot.
3. If there is a tiny blood spot in the yolk, I feel bad for the little chicken that could never be.

Three Things That People Twenty Years Younger Than Me Probably Don't Even Know About Anymore

1. Not only do they not know how to darn socks, which I actually used to do, but they don't even know what darning is.
2. They don't know how to put Smurfs records on a slower speed setting so that they sound like dorky country songs.
3. They don't know about being able to unscrew the mouthpiece on a rotary telephone to hide secret notes and/or drugs.

Three Things I Wore That I Regretted Even As I Wore Them

1. The puffy, reversible sweatshirt that had little cars on one side and baby pink with white stars on the other and was stuffed with what I think was polyester fibre fill.
2. The apple green, cotton bomber jacket with a knitted collar and matching knitted elbow patches.
3. Earrings bigger than quarters that were upholstered in the same colour of denim as the jeans I wore them with.

Three Things I Did That Made People Cry

1. I punched my cousin in the mouth.
2. I took the upturned garbage can away that my brother had used to climb a tree, which meant that he had to jump out, and he broke his arm in the resulting fall.
3. I accidentally nailed myself to a door frame with a mattress needle when I decided to pierce the top of my own ear at home.

Three Things I Ate That I Don't Like To Think About But That I Can't Help But Think About Because They Were So Disgusting

1. Head cheese.
2. Earthworms.
3. My own scab before I realized the wound was infected.

Now it's your turn. Go!

Grace in Small Things: Sunday Edition #51

1. That colds end

2. and that the sun still comes out on the coldest days

3. and that my apartment's been warm for two days running

4. and that there's officially only six more weeks of this winter crap

5. and that, even though I'm late to the party, the Palinode pointed out this particular anteater internet meme to me:


Wage a battle against embitterment and take part in Grace in Small Things.