Three Things Wrong With Today

1. I have a cold, and my entire body is weak as a noodle, and that noodle is also a terribly hurty and whiny noodle who needs to be tucked in and given tea and told she is very, very special, because her face looks really old when she's aching and sick, which is depressing, and she's pretty sure the world doesn't like her very much, and this is no time for bucking up, not when there's so much sad-making to be done.


2. Also, this introvert spent three days straight being an extrovert — seeing old friends, speaking at a conference, hanging out with toddlers who like to jump up and down loudly on giant bubble wrap — and, WOW, I am some hothouse flower of an introvert or something, because I am right at this moment working on my floorplans for my own remote, underground bunker. Anyone with communication skills more complex than my cats' set of meows and occasional pawing is not allowed.


3. I couldn't figure out what smelled like cat urine on this bus, but it seemed to be right near me, so I sniffed my way around the couple of seats I've commandeered — I moved from my purse to my coat to a diet Coke bottle, all which came up smelling pretty average for themselves — and then I decided to pull the paper cheese biscuit bag out of my garbage and check it out, even though that would be ridiculous, right? Because I had just bought that biscuit not 20 minutes before, and I would have noticed it, right? Well, apparently not, because the cheese biscuit bag wreaked of cat urine. Now all I can think about is how that cheese biscuit I ate was really a cheese and cat urine biscuit, and it's inside me right now. INSIDE ME.
   
   Would I like a little feline urine with my biscuit? Don't mind if I do. If it's not glowing in the dark, I'm not having it! Down with ammonia-poor diets!

Waiting for a Nice Lion to Pass By

The next sentence is problematic, but screw it.



I am just coming out from under the damp weight of a cold that the Palinode so thoughtfully infected me with just prior to our anniversary on the 11th. It's the gift that keeps on giving.



I've spent most of my time since then either reclining on the sofa or propping myself up on my elbows at the computer and declaring things to be BULLSHIT with my mind.

When I have a cold, I can spot bullshit at fifty feet, and, if anyone would pay any attention to me, I would declare 97% of all things BULLSHIT.

It's been all sweetness and light up in here.



I've also been in this wandering haze, and, looking back at my photos over the last couple of weeks, I honestly don't remember a good half of them. That one up there of the sidewalk? What was I doing? Was I lying down on the pavement?

I also get paranoid when I have a cold, and so I've had this sneaking suspicion that I am being watched all the time, but I'm thinking that if I am doing things like lying around on sidewalks in the middle of the afternoon, then maybe I'm asking for it.



Don't hate me because I'm writing all kinds of meaningful information here.



I have serious relevancy issues when I'm sick. I'm the gazelle the other gazelles dart away from to leave me as a distraction for the lions.

"Oh, hey, lions?" they would say. "You can take that pathetic one there with the toilet paper sticking out of her left nostril."



Okay, I had this idea when I got up this morning that I was seeing the ass end of this cold, but it has rallied, the bastard.

I'm just going to lie myself down on the Serengeti plain or wherever the hell it is that gazelles live and wait for a nice lion to pass by and offer me an actual facial tissue, because this repurposed toilet paper? It's BULLSHIT.

Three Good Things On a Tuesday

One:

I have a cold and great big nose zit, but both are getting better, and I can see health on the horizon after weeks of nasty viral overload. You are welcome for the graphic visual of my intense byooty.

Two:

Remember that time a month ago when I thought I couldn't go to World Domination Summit and would have to swallow the cost of a nearly 500-dollar ticket, but then I put what I needed out onto the internet in hopes that my dream of Portland in July with several hundred awesome people would come true?



It has all come together!

I have secured extra work to cover the costs of my travel, and I have also secured a roommate, which means I can leave my cardboard box at home. This is good, because I am sure that the mean streets of Portland would ruin this delicate balance I've got going to keep my skin from breaking out.

Just so we don't all forget: If you need something to get done but you don't have the resources, tell the world about it out loud. People might hear you.

Three:

The Palinode has secured tickets for us to see Janelle Monae at the Saskatchewan Jazz Festival! Janelle Monae is the shiznit.



Now your three good things. Go!