THE CAPSY APATHY IS CAPSY

I WANT TO TYPE THIS WHOLE THING IN ALL-CAPS, but don't worry. I won't. I WILL JUST TYPE SOME OF IT IN ALL-CAPS.



There isn't anything really to be capsy about, but there is so little to be capsy about that it's like we've come full circle right back around to capsiness again. It's like when you are feeling so apathetic that there is basically an apathy party in your brain, except that comparison totally doesn't work.

Eff it. I've got a serious case of the Capsy Apathy. THE CAPSY APATHY IS CAPSY.



I woke up with this sort of numb feeling that edged on depression, so I drank some coffee and nearly passed out on my keyboard with ennui. At that point, I thought I might be having an issue with basic sustenance, so I ate a banana, and then one of my cats ate some of the banana peel, and then he puked it up all over the foot of my rolly office chair, and I still didn't feel anything except grey while I sopped up cat vomit. So, it wasn't a sustenance issue. DAMN.



And the sky was grey and under my eyes looked grey and the film of cat hair all over my kitchen-table-cum-desk was grey.

I SAID CUM. AND THEN I YELLED ABOUT IT.



I had a cheque in my purse to deposit, and, despite my apathy-swiftly-turning-into-gloom, I still liked money, so I went to the bank where I had to use the machine because all the tellers were busy or on lunch, and then I went to a posh shoe store where I was roundly ignored, and then I tried on weird-fitting clothing samples, because it's always best to try on clothing sample rejects that make it look like you're smuggling wilted potatoes under your shirt when you're feeling gloomy, and then I tried to have lunch at a cafe that was closed, and then I tried to buy a cinnamon bun at a place that doesn't bake them on Thursdays, and then, in order to round off this rousing adventure, I went to Shoppers Drug Mart and bought fifty dollars worth of vitamins.

YOU DON'T GET TO FEEL GOOD. I'M DRAGGING YOU DOWN WITH ME.



It's weird to go through so much of a day feeling so invisible. Oh, except for at The Gap. A fantastic saleslady there actually saw me and helped me and somehow coaxed me into a pair of heavily discounted khakis.

Thank you, The Gap saleslady. YOU MADE ME FEEL HUMAN FOR ELEVEN MINUTES.



I seriously felt like I was in one of the old black-and-white Twilight Zone episodes as a character who slowly ceases to exist to the rest of humanity but is doomed to walk through her city invisibly, her sanity wasting under the complete and utter withdrawal of human love.

NOPE. NO MELODRAMA HERE, FOLKS. MOVE ALONG.



Did I mention it was windy? It was windy. It was so windy, in fact, that my purse was blown up and into the back of my head more than once. This was so I could both feel invisible AND look really cool in public. It was like the universe was smacking me upside the back of head and shouting YOU'RE SO EFFING AWESOME, SCHMUTZIE.



Anyway, I really like my new pants. The saleslady told me that almost no one else liked them, which was why they had so many on sale. I'm one fashionable human being, people, in my largely disliked khakis. You should go to The Gap and get a pair. WE COULD BE FASHIONABLE TOGETHER LIKE MOVIE STARS.



How was your day?

Putting On Pants Is Really Boring, Apparently

Because this is a picture of Onion's reaction to panting, which is to bite whatever is near his mouth, I thought it was sideways related to the topic at hand.

Palinode: Whatcha doing?

Schmutzie: I'm taking off my pants...

Palinode: Really? [His face breaks out in a huge grin.]

Schmutzie: ...and I'm putting on some other pants.

Palinode: Oh. [His grin falls.]

Schmutzie: What?

Palinode: Well, it's just that your sentence started out really interesting, and then it ended up being really boring.

Next time I put on pants, I'll try to throw in a little soft shoe or something.

Me at Aiming Low: 10 Wardrobe Basics That Keep Schmutzie Looking Like She Knows What She's Doing

"10 Wardrobe Basics That Keep Schmutzie Looking Like She Knows What She's Doing":

This list of wardrobe items mix and match with each other easily to create several decent outfits, and since I found this magic formula for dressing myself, I have been able to go out confidently into the world without fear of being a moving fashion violation.

Me at Aiming Low — Black: It's Where It's At. Now With More Cake!

"Black: It's Where It's At. Now With More Cake!":

When black clothing increases wardrobe versatility, can be dyed into an extended lifespan, keeps you from getting arrested, increases your social standing, makes you look slimmer, and gives you an excellent excuse to eat more cake, I can't think of a reason why you would wear anything else unless you're a rich, wasteful, skinny bitch with all the time in the world who hates cake.

The Bad, The Good, And Pants

Things That Are Bad:
1) There is a new bus driver on my morning bus to work. You see, the blind guy who gets off at the CNIB every morning had a deal with the old bus driver to be let off exactly in front of the railed path that leads to his work’s front door. That was good. This new bus driver seemed not to be thinking and did not pull up to the right spot. Instead, he stopped a few feet shy of the path, so when the blind guy got off the bus and tried to walk straight ahead down the path, he ran into a hedge. He avoided the hedge by turning a severe left, overshot the path, and ended up walking down the driveway (which does not lead to the front door), appearing disoriented and waving his cane back and forth in an agitated fashion as he tried to gain his bearings. Before the bus driver pulled away, I got out of my seat and asked if he would let me off to redirect the blind man, but the bus driver would not let me. He said, and I quote, “he’s just learning, They all learn eventually. Just leave him be.” No, he is not just learning, he has been working at the CNIB for years, and this morning it was, I kid you not, -47 degrees Celsius with the wind chill. I watched the blind guy out the bus window as we pulled away, hoping that he would find someplace warm in that desolate part of the city, and cursing the stupid, stupid bus driver who assumed that being blind meant you were “just learning” and should be left to your own devices. You tell that to the two fingers that poor man likely lost on his way to work this morning!
2) The young man who accused me of lying when I explained why his book was more costly than he thought it would be. His book was fourteen dollars more expensive than the originally quoted price. I gently explained that the original price quoted was just that, a quote, because a publisher may list one price but adjust it up or down depending on printing costs, demand, etc. He tried to insist that I charge him the cheaper price because of false advertising. Sorry, bub. That is not false advertising and ignorance is no excuse. What really cheesed me off is that after all that, he still bought the damn book.
3) The receding gum on one of my upper teeth is becoming problematic. I ate some dark chocolate at lunch, and it zinged the nerve on that tooth. It is too sad. Good things should not hurt so much. Dentists shouldn’t be so scary.
4) There is a “no kitties” rule in my apartment building. Other people in the building have openly flouted this rule. I know this, because whenever there has been a fire alarm, there is a suspiciously large number of cats being carried out of our no-cats building. I have managed to bring in a zebra finch and a rabbit without receiving the threat of eviction, but throwing in a cat on top of those two would probably be crossing the line. And I do love the kitties so much, I do. Oh, woe is me.
5) I drooled on the bus today, yes I did. I am not sure why this was happening. It didn’t just accidentally leak out of one side of my mouth like it happens when you are really, really tired and are at home in bed, but it leaked out of both sides, and because my face was so numb from the -47 degree cold snap, I didn’t feel it right away. Luckily, I was at the very front and was facing forward, so no one could have noticed it but me. Am I an 83-year-old Alzheimer’s patient, and I just don’t know it?

Things That Are Good:
1) The inside of the waistband on my new black pants is white, just like the waistbands of old men’s pants or men’s dress pants. I always wanted pants that had white material on the inside of the waistband. When I was little girl, I loved 40s and 50s-style men’s shoes and men’s clothes and the smell of men’s aftershave, and I really assumed for a long while that when I grew up I would be a man and get to have men’s things. I was very disappointed when I finally figured out that I would have to grow up into a woman and have to try to look pretty. Now, of course, I like this being-a-woman thing, I also like trying to look pretty. And on top of everything, I get to own pants with white inside the waistband. I feel so complete.
2) The Fiery One made hummus last night, and I am so, so grateful. I am eating it right now with salty tortilla chips, and it is satisfying something deep within me that I had not recognized until the presence of this hummus. Thank you, Mr. One.
3) I have learned how to make journals with properly sewn-in pages. The one I made last night is fabulous. I found an old record for fifty cents at my favourite music store, and the cover of the album screamed to be used for something. Obviously, it is now a journal cover. The record was “Mantovani Magic”, and the journal sports his lovely mug on the front and the song list on the back. Craftiness breeds happiness in my heart.
4) The Fiery One will not have to have an elbowectomy just yet. Over the weekend, his elbow swelled until it was a squishy, liquid filled mass, almost like a small breast had grown obscenely and absurdly there. He kept holding it close to me and trying to entice me to smell it, or love it, or fondle it. That part was bad. But now it is good, because the obscenity is gone. Also, the Fiery One is once again in the pink of health.
5) CBC Radio 3 is the best ever. I had forgotten about it but recently became reacquainted with it. Go there. Indulge. Love it.

Pants Facts and Links:
* Read a bizarre television script entitled “A Brief History of Pants”.
* “Waist overalls” was the traditional name for work pants, which is what the first jeans were called. Find more at Levi Strauss & Co.
* Nano-technology has moved into the world of pants! Pour coffee on them, grape juice, tomato paste – nothing can touch them.
* Why not read “The Camel Toe Report” while you’re at it.
* I may have stumbled on another fetish here, but you can buy your own Victorian, trousers, pants, and under drawers here.
* The New York State Epantsipation League “...is a non-profit organization devoted to the removal of pants from society through peaceful protest and intellectual debate.”
* There are yoga-specific pants. Why does yoga require special pants?
* There are movies called “Fancy Pants”, “Long Pants”, and “Pants on Fire”.
* Read some “Leg Chilling Abduction Stories”.
* BBCi has an article all about trousers and pants.