Tuesday
Apr192011
I Don't Do Anything Half Way, Even When It Comes To A Throat Infection
Tuesday, April 19, 2011
I knew I wasn't feeling very well.
I hate doctors, though. No, scratch that. I hate going to doctors. I'm pretty sure every time I go that they are going to take one look in my ear or down my throat and pronounce me dead in six weeks.
It doesn't help that they told me I had cancer once. That incident confirmed my belief that our bodies are wild things.
One time about sixteen years ago, I was volunteering at a not-for-profit fair trade store. I hadn't felt well when I got there, and, as my shift wore on, my abdomen slowly became so tender that I couldn't walk around the store. When the pain got so bad that even bending my body to sit down on a stool made me yelp, the old ladies I volunteered with shoved ten dollars into my hand, helped me slide sideways into the back of a cab, and sent me off to an emergency doctor appointment.
It turned out that I had an infection. A normal person would have had a bladder infection or a uterine infection or a cervical infection or an ovarian infection. Me? I HAD ALL OF THEM. At least, that's what they deduced from all the swollen everything I had going on all up in my lady parts and how they had to shush me when I yelled AYE-EEEEE after they scraped a sample from my cervix with a wooden stick.
Whoever invented that wooden stick hates women.
Anyway, today I have a similar problem if you replace "lady parts" with "everything above my shoulders". I haven't felt well for about a week, and I started to wonder what was up when my tongue felt like I had sprained it a few days ago.
I'll give you a moment to make sprained tongue jokes. Let it all out.
I had to admit that I was probably in need of some doctoring last night when, on top of the pain in my throat, the pain under my tongue was making it hard to talk, and I was pretty sure that there wasn't supposed to be a white growth there, either.
It turns out that I have not only been blessed with what looks like an infected aphthous ulcer under my tongue but what also looks like a good case of tonsillitis and strep throat.
I say "looks like", because after scraping at the disgusting growth under my tongue with a wooden stick — woman-hater! — the doctor said What IS this thing?, as though I had any clue whatsoever. I don't do anything half way.
On the bright side, nobody told me I'd be dead in six weeks.
Assuming it'll do the trick, praise be to doxycycline!
I hate doctors, though. No, scratch that. I hate going to doctors. I'm pretty sure every time I go that they are going to take one look in my ear or down my throat and pronounce me dead in six weeks.
It doesn't help that they told me I had cancer once. That incident confirmed my belief that our bodies are wild things.
One time about sixteen years ago, I was volunteering at a not-for-profit fair trade store. I hadn't felt well when I got there, and, as my shift wore on, my abdomen slowly became so tender that I couldn't walk around the store. When the pain got so bad that even bending my body to sit down on a stool made me yelp, the old ladies I volunteered with shoved ten dollars into my hand, helped me slide sideways into the back of a cab, and sent me off to an emergency doctor appointment.
It turned out that I had an infection. A normal person would have had a bladder infection or a uterine infection or a cervical infection or an ovarian infection. Me? I HAD ALL OF THEM. At least, that's what they deduced from all the swollen everything I had going on all up in my lady parts and how they had to shush me when I yelled AYE-EEEEE after they scraped a sample from my cervix with a wooden stick.
Whoever invented that wooden stick hates women.
Anyway, today I have a similar problem if you replace "lady parts" with "everything above my shoulders". I haven't felt well for about a week, and I started to wonder what was up when my tongue felt like I had sprained it a few days ago.
I'll give you a moment to make sprained tongue jokes. Let it all out.
I had to admit that I was probably in need of some doctoring last night when, on top of the pain in my throat, the pain under my tongue was making it hard to talk, and I was pretty sure that there wasn't supposed to be a white growth there, either.
It turns out that I have not only been blessed with what looks like an infected aphthous ulcer under my tongue but what also looks like a good case of tonsillitis and strep throat.
I say "looks like", because after scraping at the disgusting growth under my tongue with a wooden stick — woman-hater! — the doctor said What IS this thing?, as though I had any clue whatsoever. I don't do anything half way.
On the bright side, nobody told me I'd be dead in six weeks.
Assuming it'll do the trick, praise be to doxycycline!
categorized in health and tagged in aphthous ulcer, here and now, illness, sore throat, strep throat, tonsillitis
health and tagged in aphthous ulcer, here and now, illness, sore throat, strep throat, tonsillitis 
