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Dear Blogger: You Are Doing It Wrong

Dear Blogger:

You are doing it wrong.

Our aim here is to make the internet a better place. We only come to you out of our interest in elevating public discourse and its guiding ethics so that you do not continue to jeopardize your reputation, the lives of your children, and good taste as we know it.

Here are some simple equations to illustrate our concerns:

You update your blog daily. = You must be desperate for attention.

You update your blog only now and again when the mood strikes you. = Your half-hearted attempt at keeping your blog alive makes you look like a failure.

You don't excel at one particular thing but do it anyway because you like it. = You are a narcissist with no objectivity about how others perceive you.

You are noticeably much better at one particular thing than any of the other things you do. = You are a one-trick pony with no other merit.

You do not get very many comments. = No one likes you, so why do you even bother.

You get a metric tonne of comments on every post. = Your readers are sheep who've drunk the koolaid.

You interact with your readers by replying to them in the comments. = You are making a pathetic attempt at padding your comment numbers.

You choose not to reply to every comment publicly. = You are a snob who feels that you are above interacting with your fans.

You like to write lists on your blog. = Lists are lazy and boring, and your blog is probably too far gone now to be worth saving.

You stay away from writing lists. = Buzzfeed is awesome, and you must hate success.

You post pictures of your favourite foods, some of which happens to be high in fat, carbs, salt, or gluten. = No wonder you look like crap, and you probably don't love your kids very much.

You post pictures of healthy food that would make anyone's arteries sing hallelujah. = You are lying about what you really eat, because you look like crap and your kid is fat.

You call yourself a writer. = Bloggers aren't writers, and it's embarrassing that you use that term for what you do.

You avoid calling yourself a writer. = The problem with blogs is that the people who write them aren't writers.

You bunk with other bloggers at conferences. = You are unprofessional and shouldn't go to conferences you obviously can't afford.

You rent a suite by yourself when you go to conferences. = You are what's wrong with blogging, raking in money for nothing when others have to shill for coupons.

You write about your excitement when something goes well for you. = You are insensitive to others and blind to your privilege.

You write about your disappointment when something doesn't go well for you. = You are ungrateful and blind to your privilege.

You post a photo of yourself wearing an outfit you love that you pieced together from items you already own. = You should stop trying to be a fashion blogger if you're oblivious to current trends.

You post a photo of yourself wearing a new, on trend outfit you love . = You are trying too hard and have no fashion sense of your own.

You post pictures of your friends and family on your blog. = Your brazen exploitation of people for your own gain should be illegal.

You rarely post pictures of your friends and family. = Your sad, lonely life looks sad and lonely.

I think this list covers the majority of our issues with your content. If you have any questions or would like a more in-depth analysis of our perceptions of your shortcomings, simply publish your questions on your blog, and we will gladly explain your problem areas.

Love,

Your unqualified critics and concern trolls.


UPDATE: Right after I published this entry, I went over to Liz Gumbinner's website. I had it open in a tab all day, because I wanted to read her latest entry. I must have subconsciously absorbed some of her entry earlier, though, because what was the title of her entry? "Parents: You’re all doing it wrong."

I hope she takes this unwitting copycat-ism as a compliment! Now please go read her post, because it's good, and Liz is somebody you should be reading.

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The Interrobang: What It Is (Awesome) and How to Get It On Your iPhone (Also Awesome)

What is an interrobang?

See that punctuation mark to the left there? That, my friends, is an interrobang, and an interrobang is "…a nonstandard punctuation mark used in various written languages and intended to combine the functions of the question mark… and the exclamation mark…" (Wikipedia) It was invented in 1962, achieving minor popularity into the 1970s, but it never became a regular feature of the typewriter keyboard, and so we are left nearly bereft of interrobangs today. So true, so sad.

The interrobang is still the gorgeous baby of the ? and !, though, and it is perfect for saying things like:

  • What the hell
  • You're pregnant with whose baby
  • I'm supposed to do what with this chicken

I mean, one can hardly hammer out WTF‽ properly on Twitter without it.


How to Get the Interrobang On Your iPhone

ONE: If you are reading this on your iPhone, copy the following interrobang: 

TWO: Go to Settings » General » Keyboard » Shortcuts.

THREE:  Click the little "+" symbol in the upper right corner.

FOUR: Paste "‽" next to Phrase, and type "?!" next to Shortcut. Save.

FIVE: Test it out! From now on, every time you type "?!" it will default to "‽".

Is that cool or what‽

photo1 (1).jpg

The Interrobang On Your Desktop

There are ways to type the interrobang on computer keyboards, but the methods vary depending on your operating system and what version you have, so I just copy and paste interrobangs when I am using my desktop.


Now you know what an interrobang is, how to use one, how to create one, and you can clearly see that is an awesome piece of punctuation which has been unjustly ignored.

Go out and spread the interrobang like a social disease! Amaze your friends! What are you waiting for

Things I Am Struggling With Today, Because Neuroses

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  1. I generally cut my hair very short — I keep it about an inch long all over my head — but I don't mind growing it out up to two inches sometimes. Now I am torn between cutting it now or waiting until after I speak at Mom 2.0 Summit at the beginning of May. Do I go with super short hair, which I prefer? Or do I go with slightly less short hair, which I feel is more socially acceptable? I feel entirely too neurotic about what amounts to half an inch of difference. Maybe I should buy a wig and be done with it. Do wigs come in leopard print? Maybe I should just go all out.
  2. I have started to feel very sympathetic for pigs, and it has recently gotten in the way of my ability to appreciate bacon on occasion. Tonight, I am eating gyoza, Japanese pork dumplings, and I am pretending that they are not pork, because I love both the dumplings and the pigs. How do I know for sure if I've crossed a personal ethical/emotional boundary that I should not be crossing? Does it matter if this boundary crossing experience only amounts to one anxious person sitting alone on a couch? One thing I do know, though, is this: I doubt the pigs will respect me in the morning either way.
  3. Are you ever ageist against yourself? I sometimes am. I worry about how I am perceived by others now that I am over 40. While I noticed ageism all the time out in the offline workforce, I feel like there is less of it online, but I wonder if that is the case. Do you think this is true? Are you harder on yourself because of your age? Are you harder on others because of theirs? Does being online eradicate age barriers, at least in part?
  4. I had a dream last night in which I fell in love with a fairly masculine woman. The only problem was the bristly whiskers she grew along her lips inside her mouth. They made me think of sea urchins and fishermen when I kissed her. In the dream, I struggled with my ability to value her love over spending a lifetime pretending her mouth didn't make me think of bottom feeders. Today, I struggle with forgetting the horrible sensation of interior mouth whiskers. Blech.
  5. What is up with that mouth whiskers dream? Wait. Please, don't answer that. 
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