That No One Has Murdered This Cat Yet Means We Are Basically Saints

Oskar is the worst cat I have ever owned, and Aidan (aka "Palinode") and I agree that anyone else would have given him back to the humane society ages ago. We love the little pest, though, and we've kept loving him for nearly ten years now. Or it might be Stockholm Syndrome.

Oskar had a rough start in life — we think he was seriously abused by a woman before he ended up at the humane society, judging by his involuntary, poop-related reaction to the sound of high heels on hard floors — so he suffered extreme anxiety when we first got him. He would perch on top of the bookshelves, howling and panting with drawn lips, or he'd throw himself around in the tub and emit a blood-curdling yodel. He has calmed down a bit since then, but he still gets meds on his bad days so he can relax into a good cuddle and a nap.

Despite our patience, love, good drugs, and time, though, he hasn't given up his signature caterwaul. Nothing fixes it. I know I have already gone over his generally poor behaviour here and here and here and here and here, but he still persists, and we still don't murder him. Instead, we patiently attempt to guide his behaviour in new directions, despite the last ten years being clear proof of its futility, and then we give him neck massages, because the poor dear has such a stressful life.

If you lived with this cat, you would be wailing to the heavens why, why, why have you made this terrible creature and looking into the possibility of feline laryngectomy. Aidan and I, on the other hand, just shout SWEET JEEBUS WILL YOU SHUT UP occasionally and then give him some cream to make him sleepy.

I think the point of all this is that Aidan and I are obviously saints. We should have our images laminated onto patron saint candles.

Saint Palinode and Saint Schmutzie
Prayer to Saints Palinode and Schmutzie For Oskar
Good Saints Palinode and Schmutzie, you love Oskar. 
To you he is your "boo bear". 
Help us to follow your example
of treating every living thing with kindness,
even those who caterwaul. 
Palinode and Schmutzie, Patron Saints of Oskar, watch over him,
and keep him safe and healthy and give him the good drugs. 

I will indeed continue to call Oskar my boo bear and sneak him extra treats and give him the good drugs, and he will continue to return the favour by coming to me with all his whiny needs on an hourly basis.

Basically, it works like this: I get to be a martyr for love, and Oskar gets extra things like pork fat. It's win-win.

PS. I just remembered that Oskar is only the second-worst cat I have ever owned. The absolute worst cat I ever owned was a little, grey kitten named Max who insisted on inhaling cigarette smoke, attacked guest's genitals, and dropped onto people's heads from open doors so he could gouge out their eyes. He was inherently broken.


Elan Morgan

Elan Morgan is a blogger, designer and consultant, and speaker who blogs and works from, spreads gratitude through the social network, celebrates quality blogging with the, and speaks all over. She has been seen in the Globe & Mail, Best Health and Woman's Day magazines, TEDxRegina, and on CBC News and Radio. She believes in and works to grow both personal and professional quality, genuine community, and meaningful content online.

10 Things I Liked Enough to Show You: 25–31 July 2015

This The Smiths/informercial mashup is everything:

"The Campaign of Deception Against Planned Parenthood" at The New York Times:

A hidden-camera video released last week purported to show that Planned Parenthood illegally sells tissue from aborted fetuses. It shows nothing of the sort. But it is the latest in a series of unrelenting attacks on Planned Parenthood, which offers health care services to millions of people every year. The politicians howling to defund Planned Parenthood care nothing about the truth here, being perfectly willing to undermine women’s reproductive rights any way they can.

"Aya de Leon On How to Talk to Small Children about Racism: Celebrating Bree Newsome" at Mutha Magazine:

Our country’s history of anti-black racism and current police violence is terrifying—even to adults. The brutality of these histories and current realities should be handled gently with children. Part of racism in the US for black children has meant that our children don’t get to have a childhood. From early on, we learn that our lot in the US is to be targets of brutality. This is early training in being terrorized. I want to do a slow and gradual job of explaining the brutality of racism to my daughter.

This video from Jessi Sanfilippo is less about parenting and more about what, how, and why we create what we do:

Don't waste your time painting the picture that strangers expect from you.

Noreen Malone and Amanda Demme's "'I'm No Longer Afraid': 35 Women Tell Their Stories About Being Assaulted by Bill Cosby, and the Culture That Wouldn't Listen" at The Cut:

The group of women Cosby allegedly assaulted functions almost as a longitudinal study — both for how an individual woman, on her own, deals with such trauma over the decades and for how the culture at large has grappled with rape over the same time period.

It's horrifying that this many women can suffer sexual assault and involuntary drugging over many years, but it took a male comedian to make anyone really sit up and pay attention. This is par for the course, though, when the American entertainment industry still clamours to defend and work for Cosby and other serial sexual abusers like Woody Allen and Roman Polanski. Men's voices are still the only voices that really matter when male power is threatened.

The Truth About You and Me is a choose-your-own-adventure style affirmation website, and it's a good one to keep on hand for when you have bad days and need to remember why you're going to be okay:

life is difficult and messy. when you're dealing with tough times, it's easy to believe untrue things about yourself. don't let that pain linger. remember what's true about you, so you can live your life to your fullest potential.

Tressie McMillan Cottom's "I Am Not Well" at Medium's The Message:

Last week my eye started twitching. It twitched for three days. The left eye, not the right. I had lunch with a colleague and halfway through he says, “do I see your eye twitching? Are you well?”
I am not well.
Every time I see a video clip of the first point of conflict that leads to so many dead black people I have chills and flashbacks. I am not well.

And I saved the best for last: Phillip Lopez's video of Nathan Mitchell dancing to Kevin Morby's song "Harlem River":

Both Phillip Lopez and Nathan Mitchell are my pretend boyfriends of the week.


Elan Morgan

Elan Morgan is a blogger, designer and consultant, and speaker who blogs and works from, spreads gratitude through the social network, celebrates quality blogging with the, and speaks all over. She has been seen in the Globe & Mail, Best Health and Woman's Day magazines, TEDxRegina, and on CBC News and Radio. She believes in and works to grow both personal and professional quality, genuine community, and meaningful content online.

#DrivingWhileBrown and #DrivingWhileBlack and the Comfort and Safety In Being White

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I woke up on the weekend and read pieces about Sandra Bland, the well-founded fear friends have about something as simple as driving, because driving while black changes everything, and the anger raised in many white people who are having a difficult time with the concept of white privilege.

I may be a Canadian living in Canada ruminating on American news, but the United States is not the only place where people are stopped for being the wrong colour. Canada is not so different as we pretend it is from the United States, as though we are some kind of better educated and more compassionate cousin. We're not.

Canada is not so different as we pretend it is from the United States, as though we are some kind of better educated and more compassionate cousin. We're not.

I looked out a bedroom window at my parents-in-law's house and reflected — both physically and mentally, as that's my arm hovering in the top photo — on the relatively high level of comfort and safety I am afforded because I am white. I can get in my car and drive anywhere. It is rare that I will be stopped, and, when I am, the police will usually just look at my license, ask me how my day is going, and wish me well. I assume this kind of easy interaction with police officers as my norm, because that is how I and most people I know are treated by them.

I also know that this isn't everyone's norm.

In high school, I was out with some friends, a group of First Nations boys from a nearby town. They were kind to me, and they laughed easily. We played cards and drank beer in Joe's tiny apartment a few blocks from my school. Joe dated a friend of mine, but he shared his poetry with me sometimes if we were left alone for long enough.

One evening, I was bored and looking for something to do, so I asked if I could tag along when I saw them getting into a car. They said it probably wasn't a good idea, but no one would say why, so I got into the car anyway. They looked hesitant and warned me that I should just be quiet and stand still if anything happened with the police. I didn't understand what they were talking about — why would police bother us if we were just going out for a drive? — but I promised I'd be cool if anything happened.

It felt so like clockwork it may as well have been planned. We were stopped by the police about half an hour later. The officers asked all of us to get out of the car. While one of them patted down my friends, the other took me aside to ask if I felt safe. He told me I shouldn't be friends with "these kinds of people". He asked me what my father would think and if he knew I was out with these boys. I lied and said my father would be fine with it.

The officers went over the entire car inch by inch. They emptied the trunk, took out the spare tire, and ripped out the trunk's carpeted lining. They pulled all the seat covers off the front and back seats. They stood up close to our backs and went through our pockets, not satisfied with the pat-down, their breath hot on our necks. They shone lights in our eyes. They accused my friends of being high. They weren't.

By the time the officers were done with their roadside harassment, everything not physically attached to the car's body was scattered out in a blast pattern around us on the dirt road. Everything in the glove compartment had been tossed out into the dark, lost in the overgrown ditch grass. 

I stood off to the side and smoked a cigarette to keep myself occupied while I shook out my fear. The whole ordeal had taken maybe 20 minutes, but it felt like hours had passed. My friends were so quiet now. I had never seen them look like this. They looked down and away from me with their shoulders slouched forward into their chests. I offered to help put the car back together, but they wouldn't let me help. Instead, each of them mumbled soft apologies for what had happened.

"But it's not your fault," I said. "You didn't do anything." I felt guilty. I was sure my white face in a car full of brown faces is what got us pulled over.

"No. We knew it could happen," Joe said.

"But why'd they stop you?"

"They do it once a week," Joe said. "Sometimes more. They don't like us in town. They'll do it twice in the same night if they see us again."

There was a palpable shame pooled around us in the dark. We swam in it, and I felt sick. We were suddenly on two sides now, by friendship and by colour, and I couldn't lift my eyes to look back at them, either. The police had drawn a clear and heavy border around me and around them. We were separate things from each other.

Slumped into the shallow breathing of guarded animals, we rode in silence until they dropped me off at home. I stayed outside until late, laid out in the grass while I watched my cigarette cherry burn bright against the stars. 

I'd seen pride pulled from young men I loved, and I was this foolish, ignorant kid. I could do what I wanted with the knowledge that I would be kept relatively safe. I could ride in any car, and no one would aggressively define the unwritten limits of my freedom by going through my vehicle every week. I was a good, white girl. They were bad, brown Indians. This was small-town Saskatchewan in the 1980s.

I saw Joe and the others rarely after that. They told me they felt like our friendship would cause trouble, both for me and for them, and now it's been over 25 years since I have seen any of those boys, now men. I have never known what to do with our friendship and eventual estrangement.

I wonder if they're still stopped every week, if they're patted down in the isolation of dark country roads where no one else is there to witness what it can be like to drive while brown. Judging by the racism I see coming from the government, news organizations, the Canadian and American governments, and others, I doubt much has changed. If you go by the numbers, it's worse than you might think.

I have been angry about it, and I have been sad. I have worried about how I might have contributed to the seeming comfort those cops felt with such routine harassment. I wonder what I do to contribute to that system now.

Fuck white discomfort.

What this incident has amounted to for me personally, though, is just this: an uncomfortable interaction with the police that happened 25 years ago. It was a one-time deal I haven't told anyone about, because it felt so terrible, so brutal, to see this kind of racist harassment perpetrated against people I loved in person. There are thousands and millions of people who experience this kind of thing every day, but I was new to it, and I felt complicit somehow, guilty by association. Those cops looked like my uncles.

I am older now, though, and I am smarter. It's not about me being scared or feeling guilty or not knowing how to talk about racism, because, frankly, fuck my discomfort. Fuck white discomfort.

click image to enlarge

My friends revisited this incident every week before, and likely continued to every week after, I knew them. For Joe and company, this was a typical Tuesday because they chose to drive down a country road even though their skin permanently branded them as the wrong kind of men. As a white girl from the right kind of place, I have had a single story about an uncomfortable car search and a few lost teenage friendships.

…this was a typical Tuesday because they chose to drive down a country road even though their skin permanently branded them as the wrong kind of men.

Now I get to ruminate on the relative safety of whiteness while I look out a sunny window. I move freely without even thinking about how I am not a perpetual suspect. I don't have police officers questioning me about what my white daddy thinks anymore. I was literally born to inherit a higher level of comfort and safety in a culture whose very existence relies on the fact that it denies whole subsets of the population that same privilege.

I don't know what comes next. I don't know how to make sure we are all protected equally under the law in Canada and the United States, let alone be truly seen as equal citizens. I do know that talking about it is a start, though. Document racism, spread the word, educate those who aren't aware, and listen to the people who live this particular madness every day:

I got to walk away 25 years ago, and I get the privilege of walking away every time I am not stopped and questioned for driving while brown now. Joe didn't, and likely still doesn't, get to walk away. Sandra Bland didn't get to drive to her new job after the attending officers waved her on after a traffic stop. Heather can't feel like a protected citizen in her own country.

I don't know what comes next, but talking about it is a start, even if, and sometimes especially if, you're white.