Monday
Sep102012
Big Change, Fear and Loss, and the Need to Let Go
Monday, September 10, 2012 
test paint patches drying on our new condo's walls.
I had a dream last night that my cats were bored. I looked at them being bored, and I thought about how they could live for 20 boring years in my home, or how they could live for five brief but interesting years out in the world.
I spent the remainder of the dream weeping inconsolably for the horror of my actions, because safety to the point of boredom had robbed their one shot at living of most of its potential for meaning. There is little worse than that.
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A few nights before that, I dreamed of a giant, illustrated bumble bee. It had a large mouth filled with triangular, menacing teeth. Its mouth opened in the shape of an engulfing wishbone and scooped up an entire dog, which was barking at the bee. The dog didn't know that the bee could eat it, and it believed until it was swallowed whole that its barking meant something or would have some effect. It didn't.
The bee didn't hate the dog, or even want to scare the dog. The bee was just doing what the bee was made to do, which was to eat what was in front of it.
My dream kept juxtaposing my position as observer and my identity as self on top of the bee and the dog so that I became confused about whether I was the bee eating or the dog being eaten or the observer neglecting to step in and change the course of events. I felt powerful and annihilated and guilty.
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Taking out our first mortgage and being in this limbo space of not having moved yet but preparing to do so has me anxious. It has me feeling like I can't play anymore, like I have to take everything that much more seriously now that the walls that house me are mine.
In a lot of ways, this makes my life much more secure, but rather than that translating into a feeling of security, it's translating into a heavy feeling of loss and fear.
I am sure that this will pass. This is a natural reaction to change. We mourn what we will no longer have or experience, even if that experience was not ideal, and we fear what's coming, because it hasn't popped out from around the corner yet to show itself.
I think I need to take Maira Kalman's advice: go for a walk, empty myself out, and let wonderful things happen.
That walk will end with me buying paint for our new home and heading over to start the work of making it ours, and I am excited about putting ourselves into the space we live for the first time together. We are banishing Rental Apartment White forever!
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PS. My 40th birthday is on December 29th. I'm celebrating my birthday by raising $2,650 with Charity: Water to bring 40 people clean water for life, and we're already 24.5% there!
So, as a gift to me and to the world, let's make this happen.
Reader Comments (8)
Well, well. This punched me in the face in a really useful way. SO MUCH HERE OMG. (Really, there is.)
Thank you for writing through the hard and unclear stuff. In the middle of my own terrifying transition, I am so grateful every day that you are out there.
You are powerful, and you can do anything. I love you.
PS 20 years with you and the Palinode beats five years in any kind of shitty wilderness on every count, including interesting. They have it good in all kinds of ways.
I wish you could see my face right now.
THIS is exactly how I felt after having my first baby.
I had wanted a child pretty much since I could remember, for a chance to "re parent" myself really.
I never, ever, thought I'd have to wait until I was 35 for that first baby.
But that's what happened.
And after this lifetime of waiting? I saw him, and other than gasping from the blueness of his eyes, my heart sank.
I had to get serious now, It has me feeling like I can't play anymore, like I have to take everything that much more seriously now that the walls that house me are mine.
In a lot of ways, this makes my life much more secure, but rather than that translating into a feeling of security, it's translating into a heavy feeling of loss and fear.
I have never felt it put more clearer for me.
THANK YOU, Schmutzie. You somehow need to know what your writing does for me.
Thank you for your blog.
Ugh. Where are my manners.
Congratulations on home ownership. And happy birthday, wonderful Schmutzie.
Laurie and Alexandra, this is why I write here. You people. I wasn't going to post this today, because I feel like I should just be happy and post pictures of paint chips and dreamy shots of the sun through my new windows, but these comments remind me that the converse is sometimes more important and shouldn't be so dismissed.
Thank you!
I had paint chips taped to the walls in our house. There's still a pint chip taped to the kitchen and the office. That's how far I've gotten. I have big plans for those spaces, plans that cost money. Right now I'd rather spend that money on traveling.
You will have so much making this space yours'. The cats will have the most fun during the move. Just think of all the boxes and bubble wrap they'll get to play in.
Great big huge congratulations. It feels that way when you great big things. And thank you for the video. I needed that right now.
so rich. so exciting. congrats and thank you for your depth, realness and courage!
the reason my blog is called the EO is because I struggled to settle into regular old boring life starting at a young age. I have had to look at the magical side of life to overcome that because the fear of boring wants to eat me like a bee.
I'm terrified of bees.
I get more and more comfortable in: husband, kids, mortgage, minivan, fence. I spice it up with chickens and adventures. I do a lot of nexting, maybe too much, and I can't figure out if that's a terrible wrong discontent or a creative and adventurous healthy spirit leading a woman to LIVE, to live like a five year cat. I'm always looking for The Next Big Thing to keep me feeling fully alive and yet, I'm so happy here in the boring old ordinary. It's very confusing.
I guess I'm just glad there's no "right" way to be a grown up. Mostly, we just have to do what you've said here. We have to go for walks and see the magic and be grateful for it. And if we're nexting or not, we just need to be sure we're loving well.
It's simple, but I'm terribly good at complicating everything.
xo