Wednesday
Jul252012
25 Loosely Associated and Thoroughly Uncomfortable Thoughts Numbered to Effect Order
Wednesday, July 25, 2012 
- I am having a difficult time finding my words.
- My belly's hanging out.
- The older I get, the more it feels like I'm saying goodbye to things that never came to pass like children, careers, and unexpressed talents.
- I'm turning 40 this year.
- I'm reaching the end of my second year of sobriety.
- I want to smoke cigarettes every day.
- I suddenly want a tiny dog that I will dress in sweaters.
- My urge to fight with everyone competes with my desire to be liked.
- Sometimes I think I'm just seeking less potentially harmful activities to be addicted to, because dreams and addictions feel so similar.
- There is talk of real estate in my future.
- You can't fall out of love.
- Hello? Levity? You're welcome to come back at any time.
- All of my writing is in the form of rambling lists lately.
- For some reason, I've always really looked forward to being 42.
- I have a huge urge to go into seclusion/reclusion.
- I have days where my only thoughts are images and speaking is difficult.
- I have a pathological resentment of emotional obligation.
- I feel pulled between forms: poetry, prose, and verbal storytelling.
- I want to write about my past, but I worry that I am too biased.
- Making lists is another form of procrastination, but I like them.
- Keeping the faith in your life's movement is a Brobdingnagian, if entirely invisible, accomplishment.
- I question the true bond of blood.
- I have a thousand stories locked upstairs in my brain, biding their time.
- For brief moments, here and there, I am able to feel my breath and love all things, but these moments are brief.
- Do you ever feel as though you simply compost all your successes into soil to be tossed behind you so that you can cover up and distance yourself from past shame?
Reader Comments (16)
#6: I wasn't much of a smoker, but it still took many years for the urge to smoke to pass, in my experience. I hear you.
#21: Props for introducing me to a new awesome word!
#22: The blood-is-thicker-than-water thing is bullshit. I'm adopted and, though I've met blood relatives, my adoptive family (and my family of choice) ARE my family.
I disagree with #11 and identify with # 15.
Lists can be very calming even if they are lists filled with dread. I think I have felt most all the things on your at some point in my life. I don't think I ever felt them all at once. I think you must be very strong.
As always, incredible picture & brilliant list.
Do you feel upset to say goodbye. I am fascinated by my own denial. I'm way too old to have another kid but hell will I accept that? No. I shall. Also, I'm going to do all kinds of other careers. Ya follow me? NO I'M REALLY GOING TO.
I can't even wrap my mind around the idea I can't. I had this crazy idea like: What if I never, ever go to Japan. Like--who cares? I'm sure Japan's cool but it wasn't #1 on my list. Or even #5. But now that freaks me out.
Oh, whoops. I'm going to mess up your levity even more.
I love you. Seriously, I love you. We would argue. As long as you still liked me that would be OK. Also, I would still love you no matter what.
#14. Maybe you're a Monty Python fan, because everyone knows the meaning of life is 42. By the way, I've been 42 for 1 month and 2 days, and so far so good!
I can relate to #16, I've just never heard anyone put it to words. I'd like to write about my past but I can't figure out how without making it sound like regret, when I don't regret how things turned out.
poetry is a momentary stay against chaos. Robert Frost said that (or something very close). I think lists are the same thing but they don't usually scan as well. A narrative is a narrative, no matter what form it comes in, don't you think? It's the 21st century - aren't we post-genre, at this point? When I turned 40 (now an alarming number of years ago), I figured that my 40s would kick ass b/c finally all the work I did in my 30s would pay off. Think about it: you're entering this decade sober. Isn't that fantastic? I suppose on some days it's a little less fantastic than on other days, but still - it's an achievement. Way more of an achievement than owning real estate, the thought of which makes me almost break out in hives.
Yikes - There is a lot here. But #9 veers close to my recent thoughts on: Is latching onto a dream any different from latching on to booze or smokes or any other thing that draws us away from reality? That becomes our reality? I am sure that dreams can be an addiction for some. Are they less harmful than other addictions? That I'm not sure about, yet.
Compost isn't soil; it's fertilizer. You're just growing those stories in the garden of your past; you'll know when they're ready.
I identify with much of this list. I also love you for quoting one of the books that spurred my existential crisis as a teenager and which I never really got over.
Yes.
Also, 42 is pretty cool.
So, in what weird universe can I connect with so many truths? 2, 9, 15!!!!!, 17, 18, 20 and 24.
Lists are awesome. Just think - all of this wisdom so concise and tightly written. You're like Confucius.
Right there with you on 22 and 23. And when the words aren't coming, I resort to lists. They still count as writing ;-)
Do you think there is any correlation between finding it hard to express oneself and fully back one's dreams and the fact that a big event is impending where we're supposed to communicate and promote our dreams and accomplishments quickly and clearly? When I have an event like Blogher or a big family party or a school reunion coming up my life suddenly feels like it's lost worth. All I can see is the worth of the people I'm going to see and I can't imagine how my pocket change of a life will compare.
#25? YES, YES, YES.
#3 I can identify with. I am nearin 37 and I just got married. But I feel like my chance to have a child is diminishing. The career move from accountant to writer is slow because of life already takes up too much time.
I enjoyed this post. It was honest and shows me more of who you are.