Please overlook whatever is going on with my eyebrow up there.
I first remember feeling depressed as young as the age of three — I have good recall of my early childhood — and the depression always deepens with bonus anxiety throughout the winter. Or at least it used to be only in winter. Now my season depression starts in September and carries right on through to May. I panic sometimes that what was once seasonal might just stretch out over the whole year eventually.
I take vitamins B12 and D3, St. John's wort, valerian root for better sleep, and Rescue Remedy to quel anxiety. I limit my coffee intake and try to eat decently. I run a gratitude community to keep me mindful of good things. I work at this every day. Some days, it feels like unpaid labour with an unrelenting boss who won't let me take a vacation. Other days, I just haul my laptop into bed with me, avoid world news, and try to give myself space to breathe without heaping on shame and guilt for not being the glossy picture of profiled success.
I know that a lot of you also struggle with seasonal anxiety and depression, and I thought about you this morning while I snuggled up to my new light for the first time. I thought about how I am not alone and how there are things I am doing and can still do that will help me not only get through but maybe even overcome some of seasonal depression's worst effects. I thought about how good that light felt even on this first morning.
I'm thinking of naming her Lucy.
You and Lucy and me make three, baby. We may still have a way to go, but we're getting there.