Monday
Nov052012
Robots Need Love, Too
Monday, November 5, 2012
Shanan took me to see The Rural Alberta Advantage and Dan Mangan on Friday night.
Since I quit drinking over two years ago, Friday nights and I have worked out a new relationship where other people go out and I order in heart attack food, sit on the couch, watch bad tv, and poke around on Twitter. That sounds more pathetic than it feels. It's not, I swear. I love my bad tv and take-out burgers far more than I actually enjoyed spending $50 so I couldn't remember any of the meaningless conversations I had with people who made increasingly less sense as the night went on.
Damn. I wasn't going to mention anything serious today.
I went to bed last night making mental notes about this hilarious story I was going to tell you this morning, because I spent the whole day yesterday questioning the basic meaning and worth of human existence, and it felt brilliant to finally be thinking thoughts that wouldn't freak out mental health professionals, but then, as usual, I woke up a blank slate, because no one remembers late night idea events. I blame this serious topic turn on my lack of note-taking at 1:00 a.m.
I'm very taken up with thoughts of anniversaries and evolution these days. In July, I celebrated being five years cancer-free. In August, I was officially two years sober. In September, I hit three years since my last cigarette. I mentioned the cancer-free anniversary here, but I didn't mention my addiction-related anniversaries at all. I don't know why exactly.
The Palinode and I also moved into our first owned home in September, and this fact is messing with my whole view of myself as an adult, as a wife*, as someone who is turning 40 in December, as a freelancing creative.
So, I'm a technically cancer-free, sober, home-owning, freelancing ex-smoker who really needs to lighten up. You'll be happy to note that my NatureBright SunTouch Plus Light and Ion Therapy Lamp should be arriving this week. (That's not an affiliate link. I just like referring to it by its full, given name like it's a bad child late for dinner.)
I was something else five years ago, in a lot of ways, and I feel like I've landed after taking a very long, flying leap that started with facing my fear of death in the concrete here-and-now and carried through facing addictions and maturation and more fear, and that leap dropped me here in this home of ours where I feel more secure in some ways than I ever have in my life.
My mother once said to me: "You keep jumping out of frying pans and into fires when I don't think you should even be in the frying pan in the first place."
This relative security has completely thrown me off my game. I don't trust it. The fire might refine, but it keeps on being a goddamned fire.
I just keep asking what now?, as though the thing that's coming matters more than what's happening right this moment, as though there must be something large and terrifying looming over my near future, like there's still another addiction I need to kick.
I think I like fires. No, I know I like fires. I'm also afraid that I have an affinity for the jumping part, too.
So, what now?
----------------------------
* When I mention my view of myself as a wife changing, I do not mean that I am questioning being a wife. The Palinode's stuck with me, and I am still obsessively in love with him. I'm his in-house stalker.
Since I quit drinking over two years ago, Friday nights and I have worked out a new relationship where other people go out and I order in heart attack food, sit on the couch, watch bad tv, and poke around on Twitter. That sounds more pathetic than it feels. It's not, I swear. I love my bad tv and take-out burgers far more than I actually enjoyed spending $50 so I couldn't remember any of the meaningless conversations I had with people who made increasingly less sense as the night went on.
Damn. I wasn't going to mention anything serious today.
I went to bed last night making mental notes about this hilarious story I was going to tell you this morning, because I spent the whole day yesterday questioning the basic meaning and worth of human existence, and it felt brilliant to finally be thinking thoughts that wouldn't freak out mental health professionals, but then, as usual, I woke up a blank slate, because no one remembers late night idea events. I blame this serious topic turn on my lack of note-taking at 1:00 a.m.
I'm very taken up with thoughts of anniversaries and evolution these days. In July, I celebrated being five years cancer-free. In August, I was officially two years sober. In September, I hit three years since my last cigarette. I mentioned the cancer-free anniversary here, but I didn't mention my addiction-related anniversaries at all. I don't know why exactly.
The Palinode and I also moved into our first owned home in September, and this fact is messing with my whole view of myself as an adult, as a wife*, as someone who is turning 40 in December, as a freelancing creative.
So, I'm a technically cancer-free, sober, home-owning, freelancing ex-smoker who really needs to lighten up. You'll be happy to note that my NatureBright SunTouch Plus Light and Ion Therapy Lamp should be arriving this week. (That's not an affiliate link. I just like referring to it by its full, given name like it's a bad child late for dinner.)
I was something else five years ago, in a lot of ways, and I feel like I've landed after taking a very long, flying leap that started with facing my fear of death in the concrete here-and-now and carried through facing addictions and maturation and more fear, and that leap dropped me here in this home of ours where I feel more secure in some ways than I ever have in my life.
My mother once said to me: "You keep jumping out of frying pans and into fires when I don't think you should even be in the frying pan in the first place."
This relative security has completely thrown me off my game. I don't trust it. The fire might refine, but it keeps on being a goddamned fire.
I just keep asking what now?, as though the thing that's coming matters more than what's happening right this moment, as though there must be something large and terrifying looming over my near future, like there's still another addiction I need to kick.
I think I like fires. No, I know I like fires. I'm also afraid that I have an affinity for the jumping part, too.
So, what now?
----------------------------
* When I mention my view of myself as a wife changing, I do not mean that I am questioning being a wife. The Palinode's stuck with me, and I am still obsessively in love with him. I'm his in-house stalker.
categorized in general and tagged in Dan Mangan, Knox Metropolitan, Rural Alberta Advantage, addiction, music, sobriety
general and tagged in Dan Mangan, Knox Metropolitan, Rural Alberta Advantage, addiction, music, sobriety 
Reader Comments (11)
"I know I like fires. I'm also afraid that I have an affinity for the jumping part, too. " Moi aussi. And no fear Sweet Schmutzie, the frying pan is just warming up a new set of ... adventures? challenges? obstacles? Isn't Elan Cherokee for 'she who is one with the flame'?
"...I just like referring to it by its full, given name like it's a bad child late for dinner". - that made me snort and your whole post made me smile from ear to there. It is never too late to live happily ever after.
I moved into my first owned home this summer too. I also feel ill-at-ease with the stability implied by home ownership. I thought it was guilt that I have become so lucky and landed on my feet when others have not, and that's probably it too. But I also got used to fire-jumping, having done it my entire adult life, and I bet my unease is as much to do with that as with survivor's guilt.
This is a test. It is full of testy goodness. Testy. Not testes. That's a different type of comment. On a different type of blog.
Ha, I wish I had so many good anniversaries to celebrate. Congrats to you on all of them. I do however, have kids birthdays and stuff like that to celebrate so that is very good too.
Helping with your spam comment or is it comment spam issue?
I always love reading what you have to say and the way you say it. You make me laugh, but you also make me go "Mmm," while nodding in agreement. xo
Monstergirlee, regular comments are being flagged as spam a lot, which means that I have to babysit the blog so that I can release comments as they come it. We're trying to fix the issue so I don't have to approve non-spam comments.
That fact that you know what you like is awesome.
Before I got married I read a really great book called "The Meaning of Wife." Maybe you'd enjoy it, too.
I'm glad you posted that link to the light you're getting because I've been seriously thinking about getting one this winter too, after I got so depressed last winter. I'm stock-piling vitamin D, too.
xo
So, I'm a technically cancer-free, sober, home-owning, freelancing ex-smoker who really needs to lighten up." i agree. be kind to yourself.
do not fear; to be and feel at home has nothing to do w/ "settling" (or settling down, or even home ownership).
focus on the "free" part of your own definitions you've applied to yourself. you're more free of/from things that could truly "settle" or define (or limit) you.
(truly being here now can indeed be terrifying, a constant fire in and of itself. good thing you like fires. and jumping.)
Don't you just hate when winter comes around. It's always a depressing time of year for many people including myself at times. Living in the Northeast you get stuck indoors wishing you could get your hands on some take out. But at least there is twitter!