Monday
Jan022012
Manipulation
Monday, January 2, 2012
I was just remembering that time at the end of 2010 when this fairly prominent blogger emailed me to propose that we manufacture a rivalry of sorts. I say "of sorts", because we had no rivalry whatsoever. We barely interacted, and, when we did, it was largely pleasant.
People do that. It's weird. Well, it's not actually weird, because people have manipulated social groups since time immemorial to squeeze something out of it for themselves, but it's weird to me.
I have nothing important to say on the matter, I don't feel bad about that exchange. It just occurred to me this afternoon that some of you might be having fake relationships right now in order to get in with the right people or garner some measure of internet attention for yourselves.
I try not to think about it too much, because things can start to feel very Truman Show-y, and paranoia isn't sexy. Con artists, though, fascinate me.
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Another time, I think I must have been in grade five, this girl in my class who was more popular than me said "Hey, let's pretend we're best friends at recess." "Sure," I said, because why say no? She had this floaty, soft hair that bunched up in her collar, and she smelled like cherries.
At recess, we played tetherball, which I normally never got to do, because the hockey players and the pretty girls always dominated the tarmac. She showed me a temporary tattoo she'd gotten out of a Cap'n Crunch cereal box. She had this delicate line along the top side of her wrist where the baby fat had receded.
I said as little as possible and did what she said. I had no idea what the protocol was in this sort of situation. We had fifteen minutes to be best friends, and I had no idea how to read her. I wanted it to pass without incident.
Near the end of recess, she pulled me over to stand by a fence and went to the trouble of arranging me so that I faced a particular way.
"Now, you say something," she said, "And then I'll laugh like it's really funny."
"What should I say?" I asked.
"Anything. It doesn't matter. Look like you're having fun."
"What if it is funny?"
"It doesn't matter," she said. I could tell that she was irritated with me. "I'll just laugh, anyway." And then she tossed her fluffy hair around and laughed this really loud stage laugh that I found embarrassing.
It was then that I noticed her usual best friend staring at me over the popular girl's shoulder down the length of chain link fence.
While it was clear that I was being used in a bid to manipulate her friend's emotions, I wasn't hurt by it. The whole thing was a short-term social adventure for me, and it was a relief to be able to see the end of this thing rushing in. I felt bad for the other girl, though, the usual best friend. She stood there squinting against the sunlight with a slack mouth, looking displaced.
The sunlight was suddenly more harsh, and the tips of the usual best friend's blonde lashes flashed out from the dark shadows of her eyes.
I instinctively shrugged my shoulders with my palms face up, not wanting to be blamed for my part in this social slight. This, of course, blew the game, and the popular girl shook her head at me. Her mouth held this subtle sneer that probably worked to great effect on other kids, but to me it signalled a glad dismissal.
She never spoke to me again over the remaining seven years that we attended school together. I was happy to be free of her. That short fifteen minutes as her fake best friend had exhausted me.
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I find neither situation alluring — the former was looking to manufacture entertainment for what amounts to her job, and the latter was just being shallow and manipulative to entertain herself — but I could watch the players in question for years. It all just seems like so much work to plot scenarios that have to be acted out meaninglessly just to get a reaction, and I kind of have to hand it to them. That shit takes serious commitment.
People do that. It's weird. Well, it's not actually weird, because people have manipulated social groups since time immemorial to squeeze something out of it for themselves, but it's weird to me.
I have nothing important to say on the matter, I don't feel bad about that exchange. It just occurred to me this afternoon that some of you might be having fake relationships right now in order to get in with the right people or garner some measure of internet attention for yourselves.
I try not to think about it too much, because things can start to feel very Truman Show-y, and paranoia isn't sexy. Con artists, though, fascinate me.
----------------------------
Another time, I think I must have been in grade five, this girl in my class who was more popular than me said "Hey, let's pretend we're best friends at recess." "Sure," I said, because why say no? She had this floaty, soft hair that bunched up in her collar, and she smelled like cherries.
At recess, we played tetherball, which I normally never got to do, because the hockey players and the pretty girls always dominated the tarmac. She showed me a temporary tattoo she'd gotten out of a Cap'n Crunch cereal box. She had this delicate line along the top side of her wrist where the baby fat had receded.
I said as little as possible and did what she said. I had no idea what the protocol was in this sort of situation. We had fifteen minutes to be best friends, and I had no idea how to read her. I wanted it to pass without incident.
Near the end of recess, she pulled me over to stand by a fence and went to the trouble of arranging me so that I faced a particular way.
"Now, you say something," she said, "And then I'll laugh like it's really funny."
"What should I say?" I asked.
"Anything. It doesn't matter. Look like you're having fun."
"What if it is funny?"
"It doesn't matter," she said. I could tell that she was irritated with me. "I'll just laugh, anyway." And then she tossed her fluffy hair around and laughed this really loud stage laugh that I found embarrassing.
It was then that I noticed her usual best friend staring at me over the popular girl's shoulder down the length of chain link fence.
While it was clear that I was being used in a bid to manipulate her friend's emotions, I wasn't hurt by it. The whole thing was a short-term social adventure for me, and it was a relief to be able to see the end of this thing rushing in. I felt bad for the other girl, though, the usual best friend. She stood there squinting against the sunlight with a slack mouth, looking displaced.
The sunlight was suddenly more harsh, and the tips of the usual best friend's blonde lashes flashed out from the dark shadows of her eyes.
I instinctively shrugged my shoulders with my palms face up, not wanting to be blamed for my part in this social slight. This, of course, blew the game, and the popular girl shook her head at me. Her mouth held this subtle sneer that probably worked to great effect on other kids, but to me it signalled a glad dismissal.
She never spoke to me again over the remaining seven years that we attended school together. I was happy to be free of her. That short fifteen minutes as her fake best friend had exhausted me.
----------------------------
I find neither situation alluring — the former was looking to manufacture entertainment for what amounts to her job, and the latter was just being shallow and manipulative to entertain herself — but I could watch the players in question for years. It all just seems like so much work to plot scenarios that have to be acted out meaninglessly just to get a reaction, and I kind of have to hand it to them. That shit takes serious commitment.
categorized in personal history, writing and blogging and tagged in blogging, childhood, grade five, manipulation, mean girls, past
personal history, writing and blogging and tagged in blogging, childhood, grade five, manipulation, mean girls, past 
Reader Comments (36)
.....and serious lack of, iunno, soul.
Exhausting is right. I'm so bad at keeping secrets. So, so bad. You see passive aggressive everywhere and I just feel like yelling at them - just say what you mean. Everybody sees it anyway, you might as well own it.
This is how the world bewilders me.
I must have some sort of Asperger's Lite.
I don't get this stuff. Using people.
I'm just nice and I hope people are nice back.
When I like someone, I let them know.
I have nothing to gain, and don't want to ever use anyone.
I will accept any help that comes my way, and be grateful for it.
But, like I said, I must have Aspie Lite because a lot of the time, I just don't get what people are doing out there.
Love you , Schmutzie, and want nothing from you.
Just your words. And this place here.
I could watch it for years, too, just as long as I wasn't required to play along.
The first part of this post shocked me, but didn't surprise. Wow.
I knew girls like that at all the schools I went to ... I was in the cool group at this one school, once. There was so much pressure to keep up.
Am I having fake relationships with people to get 'somewhere' - no fucking way. At least, not as far as I'm aware.
I hope I'm real.
I don't have the energy it would take to maintain...or even think...of starting something like that. I find that kind of behavior strange. And a more than a little incomprehensible. It takes all of my energy to maintain real relationships! Fake ones would lay me flat.
It's similar to the mommy set where most are regular folk. However, I have run across the high school cliques - except that the members are 35 rather than 16. I have seen bullying in adult women that'd make your skin crawl and your hair stand on end. Haven't seen a ton of it but enough to be surprised and shocked. And they get away with it...
It takes me too much energy to live my life, find time for friends and have a few laughs along the way. I can't imagine orchestrating the drama that these women do.
I've often thought that if people who spend so much time doing, thinking & conjuring up negativity spent half that amount of time doing something positive we'd have no hunger, no pain, no hurt.
Like you I didn't have time for that nonsense when I was a girl and I certainly don't have time for it now as a grown woman. I see no value in that type of behavior, so why waste my time. Time I could use doing or experiencing something amazing.
Thanks for sharing your experiences and offering them as a reminder that we alone chose what we let into our lives.
What you just painted here was a perfect demonstration of what it's like to be friends with girls at ANY age apparently. The idea that a grown woman would go to the trouble to form a false friendship for some kind of weird publicity is crazy. Who do we think we are?
It's a shame we have learned to be so guarded...I wonder if sometimes we miss out on potentially great new friendships because we find ourselves more concerned with ulterior motives than we are with getting to know a person's heart.
And also? I suddenly want to play a kick ass game of tetherball...I dominated that end of the tarmac.
I saw a lot of manipulation of "friendships" or "relationships" in my life, and was surprised how often it happened in the blog atmosphere. Both situations you talked about would make me uncomfortable. It is a shame it happens so much and not only in young children but adults.
I don't even know what to say. You're right - it is wearysome. How does one even have a trumped-up rivalry? There are a few bloggers out there that I suspect of manufacturing drama for the sake of hits, but that's easier. Do you storyboard your rivalry in advance? Pick teams? My mind is boggled.
You nailed it when you said "paranoia isn't sexy". And con artists fascinate me, too. People, relationships in general, fascinate me. I'm passionate about both and enjoy observing the different social rules in different cliques or circles. Manipulation (with intent to hurt someone else, especially) crosses a line, though. For me. I like to think that most people pursue a new relationship/friendship because they're sincere in their desire to know someone better — regardless of the payoff. Personal or professional.
I've been used, but unlike you, I felt betrayed and hurt when I was dropped. Because I didn't see it coming. Maybe had I been smart enough to know what was happening, I would have just gone with it — an observer of human behavior. Fortunately, the hurt hasn't turned into paranoia. Because as you said, that's not sexy.
Great post.
I'm sure we've all seen or unwittingly been a party to the second circumstance. But I must be completely and totally naive because I would never have dreamed someone would do the first. At least they asked you first. Now I'm wondering if people are manipulating me without me even knowing about it.
As someone who was caught up in an absolutely awful public online disagreement with a friend this year, I cannot imagine anyone wanting to manufacture one. It was so incredibly hurtful and draining and upsetting for me and for other people who know both of us. Manipulating relationships for the sake of page views (presumably?) is pretty low if you ask me.
People are fucking creepy sometimes.
scenario B I totally get. Scenario A kind of freaks me out. That actually *happens*? I just don't even know what to say to that.
I once knew people who pretended to be living a menage a trois so that they could get on Jerry Springer. They did, they were 'famous' for about 5 minutes, and everybody who ever knew them lost all respect for them.
The internet feels like the Jerry Springer show a lot of the time.
I do not even know how people would have the time to do this. I have a hard enough time trying to keep up with my real relationships and make sure they're always a priority let alone fake ones. Also? I'd much rather have people visit me because they like my writing not because I'm a drama queen.
I'm not sure how I reached the age of 46 with so much naivety, but it's true non-the-less - I could be in a fake relationship and unless it was spelled out for me, not even be aware it's happening. Maybe it's that Asperger's Lite Alexandra mentioned. So, while I detest the manipulation, I do rather admire the craftiness.
And that, is why I did not want to be a girl growing up. Boys would just punch each other in the face and then show off the black eye - much less time consuming and way simpler.
Over six years into the blogging thing, and I had no idea that #1 happened. I kind of like my bubble of great friends (like you).
Wow, it's a particular skill, that is.
There are so many different types of personalities. The manipulator is the most fascinating sort of person in a freaky way. I guess I always think (1) that looks like SO MUCH WORK! (2) I feel pity for them, which is unwise as they use it (3) I wonder how they got that way.
Could it just be a heritable trait, like artistic ability or something? We all do it a bit but in some people it is honed to a sharp point and I always wonder why, how, where do they go from here?
I don't think it's fully a heritable trait. I think it's a defense mechanism and there's a line past which it is a diagnosable mental health condition. When at the core a person is so insecure and needy he or she has to manipulate to function.
It kind of scares me, honestly. And fascinates me. It's so fierce and compelling and chilling and costly.
It's also why I'm so content to work at home and talk to my overtly, outrageously manipulative dog. The dog I understand. : )
There are people who live to manufacture drama and social media and blogs give them a very large stage to stand on and plenty of players to draft into their narcissist fantasies and an audience ready to lap it all up.
There's a fine line between being manipulative and being a con artist. There are a few folks whose stories and motives I still question.
I don't know why, but I'm kinda shocked that this would happen. I can see the kid version. I was an unfortunate part in this a few times myself.
But the making up rivalry? It seems like an awful lot of work.
Great post, of course. The best friend at recess thing I get. I mean, kids - they experiment with boundaries, normative behavior, the cost analysis of petty manipulations. It's the grown ups that do it that are just... creepy. I'm sort of fascinated by the e-mail mentioned at the beginning of the post. What makes a person like that, well, a person like that? I don't know, but I'd like to. For preventative purposes.
You want to know something kind of sad? I often feel like there's something wrong with me that I am neither compelled to play or even remotely good at these kind of things. Similar to Alexandra, I just try to be nice to people, in general, and loyal to my friends. I don't know any other way to be. But I've always felt like I was missing, I dunno, a social gene...the one that would allow me to understand these kinds of things and use them to my full advantage. But clearly, I'm in good company :)
Too much work, I agree!
It can be entertaining to watch, I do also agree but for the most part I find it reveals undesirable traits in both parties.
People ARE fascinating though, aren't they?
Oh this was fantastic! I often get so frustrated with the 'it's not what you write, it's who you know' dramas of the blogging world!
I'm gonna be me- take it or leave it! I know I'm awesome. :)
Ugh. Kaylie is in grade five right now and dealing with girls like that and it SUCKS. Girls are STUPID. I'm sorry that happened to you. Both instances.
It's ironic to me that someone who presumably is experienced in manipulating people - which requires a certain talent at reading people - would contact you. I'd say that was a bad read on their part!
It has been years since I last read your blog Schmutzie. I know that I was reading you regularly in 2007/2008 before Mum got cancer. Then I drew in on myself. I didn't have any energy to spare for anyone apart from Mum, not even myself.
You draw me in with your words and make me nod along with you, I am that little girl in the playground for the brief time that I am over here.
I read somewhere the other day that it is easier to tell the truth because "the truth is your past and Lies are your future" It resonated with me because I see liars in the blogosphere, and the same liars on twitter weaving their webs of deceit and as much as I am tempted to call them out. I just cant be bothered. All I can be bothered to be is myself.
Thank you for this post. :) cheers Kim
Not my kinda commitment. I have enough conflict in my life to commit to manufacturing any more.
First of all, you're an awesome, f-ing writer.
Second, sometimes it amazes me the lengths people will go to manipulate a situation... it makes me wonder if they ever consider the repercussions of getting caught? I wonder how the conversation between those two little girls went once you blew the first little girl's cover... I wonder if she still had whatever upper hand she was trying to manufacture...
I pretended to accidentally drop Suebob's new camera at a conference party. Then I pretended to apologize. Then she said it was okay, it was a freebie anyway. She smiled and only two people even heard the smash. I was pissed.
that's so weird. about a year ago, i had someone approach me w/ the same thing: hey, let's pretend like we don't like each other and it will really drive up our numbers. after zero second of thought, i said "no, not into it." "why?"c"b/c given that such a strategy ever ocurred to you tells me that you and i are trying to do entirely different things and probably shouldn't be teaming up."
i loved this post.