Monday
Sep052011
Does This Gratitude Thing Still Work?
Monday, September 5, 2011
As I usually do, I posted my weekly Grace in Small Things post yesterday, and, as often happens, I received a comment questioning its efficacy:
When I started Grace in Small Things back in the fall of 2008, I did so in response to a therapist who asked me to start a daily practice of writing down five things that didn't suck at the end of every day.
I was going through a really difficult time back then. I didn't write about it here, but I was on stress leave from work due to crippling anxiety and depression after a handful of years that involved an abusive work environment, my cervical cancer, the Palinode's broken back, and a then unacknowledged addiction to alcohol. I was just looking for a reason to bother continuing my existence in those days. Breakfast came with a side of suicidal ideation.
I knew that I'd never stick with any kind of gratitude journalling on my own, so I decided to make myself beholden to a community, and that is how I came to creating GiST. It worked. I committed to posting five things that were not terrible about my life every day for 365 days, and I did it, but it was hard. I'm the kind of person who normally thinks gratitude journals are bullshit. Some days I wanted to kick the whole community to the curb and just continue to devote myself to the cynicism I thought of as realism. Some days, listing things like buttered toast and pink kitten noses made me angry. It was really difficult to understand why these things mattered.
I kept at it, though, now that I had this community in hand, and I secretly hoped that at the end of my 365 days I would be able to declare that some great, tidal change had occurred within me. The final day came and went, though, and that great, tidal change was nowhere to be found, at least not then, and at least not in the dramatically transformative incarnation for which I was hoping. People asked me if I would write a post about my experiences with my first year with GiST, and I couldn't bring myself to do it. I didn't know what to say about it. Life was still too hard.
Truth be told, I felt a bit like a fraud. Life was still hard, and stuff was still not awesome.
It was better, though. In small, less perceptible ways, I was changing, but I didn't really notice it until a few months after that first year. I had pulled back from posting to GiST every day to doing it just once a week, but the habit of that thought process stuck with me, and not just as it regarded GiST. I was pausing to take note of things that didn't suck throughout my days as a natural reaction to negative thinking now.
And I wasn't making stuff up, either. I wasn't twisting crap into being less crappy in any false, unrealistic way. I was finding things that didn't suck that were actually there. They were always there, but in the past I had seen the negatives as outweighing the positives, whereas now I was seeing the positives as co-existent elements that, if not negating the negatives, were at least softening or even complementing them.
Life is still hard these days, and my faith in humanity is still often wafer thin, but I've come to realize that my almost solely cynical approach, the one I had for well over thirty years, was not actually the realism I thought it was. It was as much bullshit as the über-sweet Pollyanna crap I scoffed at.
Grace in Small Things has become an inoculation against bitterness rather than a fluffy grasp at sweetness. It has become a practice to restore balance to my negatively skewed outlook, and it works, at least for me.
Cynicism and bitterness only lead us to part of the story, not to the actual complexity, the fullness, of any situation. It's an easy part of the story to hang onto, because it asks the least of us. It only asks us to observe. It does not require our whole selves. It allows us to distance ourselves. We are not responsible. We are not involved. We are not that.
GiST did not single-handedly make me quit my devastating job or embrace sobriety or pursue a career in web design and consulting, but it definitely pushed me into a fuller, more complex kind of thinking about what the world has to offer and — this is the most important part, the part I wasn't expecting at all — what I have to offer the world. It is because of this shift in thinking, though, that my life has taken on enormous changes over the last three years.
I didn't realize how much I had to give and how much I wanted to give while I was concentrating on the wickedness of humanity and the cruelty of the physical universe, but there are flowers in the mud. I've seen that spot of vulnerability inside the bitter twist of a woman I used to work with. That angry kid hugs with a jarring ferocity. The garbage is a gold mine for the birds that sing through window in the late afternoon. That's not bullshit. That's just the way the universe works.
The world is more than dreck, and you do a disservice to yourself not to look at all of it, not just the shit and not just the fantastic stuff, but all of it. This universe we inhabit is this phantasmagorically complex scene rife with both villains and heroes, the horrible and the pleasing, and I want to see all of it. It's incredible, and I only get to witness it with this set of eyes of once. I want to actually see all of it, and not just allow myself to use the darker side of it to distance myself from the whole affair.
So, in answer to your question, yes, this gratitude thing works, at least for me. It didn't make things good, at least in the way I had initially hoped against hope it might three years ago, but it did bring things into more proper focus. It allows me to see the natural complexity of situations, which, on the one hand, makes reality an entirely slippery animal that is impossible to pin down, but, on the other hand, it makes very real the possibility in every circumstance.
Gratitude isn't about keeping it sweet. It's about appreciating the whole story. It's about allowing for possibility both within and without, and I am surprised as any cynic that this has turned out to be the case.
Please don't take this as a cynical horrible question. I'm just going through a bad time right now and I'm curious — does this gratitude thing still work?
When I started Grace in Small Things back in the fall of 2008, I did so in response to a therapist who asked me to start a daily practice of writing down five things that didn't suck at the end of every day.
I was going through a really difficult time back then. I didn't write about it here, but I was on stress leave from work due to crippling anxiety and depression after a handful of years that involved an abusive work environment, my cervical cancer, the Palinode's broken back, and a then unacknowledged addiction to alcohol. I was just looking for a reason to bother continuing my existence in those days. Breakfast came with a side of suicidal ideation.
I knew that I'd never stick with any kind of gratitude journalling on my own, so I decided to make myself beholden to a community, and that is how I came to creating GiST. It worked. I committed to posting five things that were not terrible about my life every day for 365 days, and I did it, but it was hard. I'm the kind of person who normally thinks gratitude journals are bullshit. Some days I wanted to kick the whole community to the curb and just continue to devote myself to the cynicism I thought of as realism. Some days, listing things like buttered toast and pink kitten noses made me angry. It was really difficult to understand why these things mattered.
I kept at it, though, now that I had this community in hand, and I secretly hoped that at the end of my 365 days I would be able to declare that some great, tidal change had occurred within me. The final day came and went, though, and that great, tidal change was nowhere to be found, at least not then, and at least not in the dramatically transformative incarnation for which I was hoping. People asked me if I would write a post about my experiences with my first year with GiST, and I couldn't bring myself to do it. I didn't know what to say about it. Life was still too hard.
Truth be told, I felt a bit like a fraud. Life was still hard, and stuff was still not awesome.
It was better, though. In small, less perceptible ways, I was changing, but I didn't really notice it until a few months after that first year. I had pulled back from posting to GiST every day to doing it just once a week, but the habit of that thought process stuck with me, and not just as it regarded GiST. I was pausing to take note of things that didn't suck throughout my days as a natural reaction to negative thinking now.
And I wasn't making stuff up, either. I wasn't twisting crap into being less crappy in any false, unrealistic way. I was finding things that didn't suck that were actually there. They were always there, but in the past I had seen the negatives as outweighing the positives, whereas now I was seeing the positives as co-existent elements that, if not negating the negatives, were at least softening or even complementing them.
Life is still hard these days, and my faith in humanity is still often wafer thin, but I've come to realize that my almost solely cynical approach, the one I had for well over thirty years, was not actually the realism I thought it was. It was as much bullshit as the über-sweet Pollyanna crap I scoffed at.
Grace in Small Things has become an inoculation against bitterness rather than a fluffy grasp at sweetness. It has become a practice to restore balance to my negatively skewed outlook, and it works, at least for me.
Cynicism and bitterness only lead us to part of the story, not to the actual complexity, the fullness, of any situation. It's an easy part of the story to hang onto, because it asks the least of us. It only asks us to observe. It does not require our whole selves. It allows us to distance ourselves. We are not responsible. We are not involved. We are not that.
GiST did not single-handedly make me quit my devastating job or embrace sobriety or pursue a career in web design and consulting, but it definitely pushed me into a fuller, more complex kind of thinking about what the world has to offer and — this is the most important part, the part I wasn't expecting at all — what I have to offer the world. It is because of this shift in thinking, though, that my life has taken on enormous changes over the last three years.
I didn't realize how much I had to give and how much I wanted to give while I was concentrating on the wickedness of humanity and the cruelty of the physical universe, but there are flowers in the mud. I've seen that spot of vulnerability inside the bitter twist of a woman I used to work with. That angry kid hugs with a jarring ferocity. The garbage is a gold mine for the birds that sing through window in the late afternoon. That's not bullshit. That's just the way the universe works.
The world is more than dreck, and you do a disservice to yourself not to look at all of it, not just the shit and not just the fantastic stuff, but all of it. This universe we inhabit is this phantasmagorically complex scene rife with both villains and heroes, the horrible and the pleasing, and I want to see all of it. It's incredible, and I only get to witness it with this set of eyes of once. I want to actually see all of it, and not just allow myself to use the darker side of it to distance myself from the whole affair.
So, in answer to your question, yes, this gratitude thing works, at least for me. It didn't make things good, at least in the way I had initially hoped against hope it might three years ago, but it did bring things into more proper focus. It allows me to see the natural complexity of situations, which, on the one hand, makes reality an entirely slippery animal that is impossible to pin down, but, on the other hand, it makes very real the possibility in every circumstance.
Gratitude isn't about keeping it sweet. It's about appreciating the whole story. It's about allowing for possibility both within and without, and I am surprised as any cynic that this has turned out to be the case.
categorized in health and tagged in GiST, grace in small things, grateful, gratefulness, gratitude, questions answered
health and tagged in GiST, grace in small things, grateful, gratefulness, gratitude, questions answered 
Reader Comments (18)
I live in a land of the unreal. We apparently have the fastest growing economy in the world and the highest per-capita incom per person of anywhere else as well. It is a fairly comfortable and easy life most of the time so I can quite easily complain about the simplest of hardships. And I often do.
Fortunately, I also live in a land of both the extremely wealthy while those around the globe looking to better their lives can easily be found down any of the back roads. I've also been fortunate to travel much in the world which has helped open my eyes to how most in this world exist. Which is pretty bleak, to say the least, compared to what I grew up with by North American standards.
I'm not so good at it all of the time, but I am slowly learning to put my hardships into perspective which leads me to the gratitude part of it all. I can be so grateful to have the basics and quit whining about all the other stuff. It is after all, this other stuff, just fluff most of the time.
I didn't follow the same path as you to the "gratitude shift", but I followed a convoluted one of my own making. I only wish I could express the process and outcome with the succinct clarity and sharp honesty that you do here. This is all true. That's all I have to add. Thanks, s!
I identify so strongly with this post. My friend Lori over at Write Mind, Open Hearthosted a meme called Perfect Moment Monday and it was all about teaching us to recognize the little moments. Even now, while PMM is on break, I find myself noticing and appreciating the little things. It truly did change my way of thinking and observing the world.
I can't begin to tell you how much GiST has meant to me over the past year. I found it at a time when things were very dark in my world. As you say, the exercise did not specifically fix the things in my life that were broken, but it shifted my focus, and helped to widen my perspective on things. Even if it was something small, like my morning cup of tea, it was SOMETHING good. I have drifted away from GiST a bit lately; but, this weekend, I have recommitted to the project, knowing that I face some challenging, stressful times ahead.
I thank you for sharing this exercise online. I have received some wonderful support from my online community, and made new friends.
May you continue to find your own grace each day. I am grateful to count you as part of the grace in mine.
"Cynicism and bitterness only lead us to part of the story, not to the actual complexity, the fullness, of any situation. It's an easy part of the story to hang onto, because it asks the least of us. It only asks us to observe. It does not require our whole selves. It allows us to distance ourselves. We are not responsible. We are not involved. We are not that."
thanks for the reminder.
beautiful words.
I don't want to be cotton candy-ish about this but I will just say I agree and all people should try making a list either mental or on a blog. It works wonders.
I used to keep a list of things that made me happy during the week and then post it on the blog. I had had a series of bad. Deaths, dissapointments, crap. Keeping the list reminded me that things could always be worse. Eventually I got to place where I felt that I didn't need it any more. I still do a thankful Friday entry every week because I think it's important to be grateful for the good things. Even if it's something small, it's something. I tend to lean toward a Pollyanna blog. I think I do those entries because I spent a long time on the other side of that. I did a lot of bitching. Negativity fed off of negativity. I didn't like it. I was ugly. I just didn't want to be ugly any more. The list really helped me with that.
i am 4 posts away from completing 2 yrs of GIST, and i love it.. it has become my go to community to both start and end my day, and in between i am aware of cultivating more optimism and appreciation for both the large and small things in my life, it also keeps things in perspective and aids in letting go of the tendency to find fault, be unnecessarily critical and/or judgemental... thank you schmutzie for initially creating something for yourself that has offered so much to others..
Thank you for explaining how your GIST came to be. I've kept an irregular gratitude journal and when I read back through the entries it serves as a needed kick to the pants for me. It is so much easier for me to complain. Complaining, being sarcastic gets me more laughs than exposing that tender, hopeful part of myself that is looking for GIST. It takes courage for me to broadcast grace, but I'm going to challenge myself to do it more often. Thanks again.
"flowers in the mud"
I like that!
Angie
Marvelous post. I remember telling a therapist once that everybody else didn't "get it." Like I was the only one that could see the world as terrible as it is. After twenty years of fighting this crusty, self-hating, miserable person my parents produced, I'm ready to be different. I look forward to your Grace in Small Things every Sunday as I storm around the house stressing out about returning to my day job instead of enjoying the last few hours of a weekend home. Life isn't easy, and a lifetime of finding the shit before appreciating the mushrooms takes a lot of work to change. But it is worth the work. Thank you, friend, for always being relatable.
This gratitude thing definitely works. I only just started participating online, but taking time for the little things is something I try my darndest to do every day.
You wrote a beautiful post, and you are so right. There is boundless beauty and greatness all around us, more than we can ever possibly see with our one life and two eyes. I wish I'd started GiST earlier in life and kept at it daily... I guess this gives me an excuse for a new journal? Hrmm...
All the pain and hardships you've gone through have made you what you are today. I wouldn't wish those bad experiences on anyone but it does make for a better writer. It also makes us appreciate the good. If things are never bad, how do you know when they are good? I've never done any gratitude journaling but I think it's a great idea. Everyone needs to stop and smell the flowers and get some perspective on problems that seem crippling but aren't always. About the only thing in my life I do with any consistency is take my two dogs on a half hour walk EVERY day. Some days I just don't feel like it. I find myself being able to use it as a "gratitude walk" even if I'm in a bad mood. No matter what else is going on in life, I can be thankful that I CAN WALK, that I'm not in pain constantly (like I was in 2009), that I'm lucky enough to have the company of 2 dogs, that there is sunshine or clouds, that I live where there is a change of seasons, etc. It sounds very Pollyanna-ish but if you've ever gone without things you take for granted, you realize how much you miss them. I'm thankful for your blog and that it makes me remember to be glad I'm alive.
I think one of the things GiST reminds me is that we all need hope and sometimes it is such a fragile thing. I work in mental health and I see people all reaching out for a small bright spot of hope in the midst of their darkness and clinging to it with all their might.
I am by nature an optimistic person and by taking time to ennumerate my blessings helps me keep that optimism in the face of everyday life.
I'm glad for GiST. I read it all the time and use it as a gentle reminder.
I have put off for various reasons doing this challenge even as I admired you immensely for doing it-- but all the things you've said here and the place I'm at in my own life right now (changeable, sucky, exciting, so scary, suicidal ideation as a side dish for breakfast, exactly) and the ruts I'm getting out of and the spinning-wheels that I'm feeling.
Well, it'll be something to write, and one can hope, yes?
I think it's all a matter of logic for me. I get peeved when I write about something real but unpleasant, like child abuse or personal pain, and the Pollyanna's jump on me with their wooden anti-negativity stakes and garlic. Shut up. You're idiots. There's no god in the world that's directing a play where some child gets beaten to death or some other horrible, unjust event happens solely as a teaching tool. That's bullshit.
On the other hand, life can be overwhelming, people can be cruel, irrational and unjust things happen all the time. That's a set of hard facts that can easily feel like hopelessness. Being able to sit down and count other facts -- the goodness of friends, the love you feel towards others, the obstacles you've overcome -- the smell of a lilac bushes on a rainy morning, how wonderful a warm bath feels, the way the girl at the coffee shop knows your order -- also makes them more real.
My routine of posting to GiST faltered somewhere around day 120 - and I must say that I MISS its effect in my life. It helped to me salvage days that I thought had been totally wasted or stressed-out. Each day is a building block in my life, and if I can look at the positive, it makes a better life.
I may or may not get back to daily posting at GiST, but don't doubt for a minute that what you've got there is, quite possibly, a lifesaver.
It just occurred to me that about a year ago I was reading--with outrage--an essay on why there is a disclaimer to parents on the DVD releases of Sesame Street's early years. It closed with a beautiful note about the fact that Sesame Street really wasn't in the best neighborhood (basically a ghetto, if you remember) and that a big point of the show was teaching children that you couldn't always change your surroundings. But you could find happiness little things, like a cookie, or a song, or a bubble bath.