The Five Best Decisions Of My Life

@Chookooloonks tweeted this question: "5 best decisions of my adult life so far: go to law school, move to London, marry @marzjennings, adopt Alex, quit law. What are your 5 best?"



I was surprised at how quickly and easily I came up with my five: "My 5 best decisions: not choosing suicide, marrying @palinode, getting a pap smear in 2006, blogging, sobriety."


Not choosing suicide.

I experienced my first serious bout with suicidal thoughts when I was about eight years old, and those thoughts have dogged me most of my life. I have managed to remain relatively free of suicidal thinking over the last three years, which is no small feat.

This sounds so sad, and it is to an extent, but it's also a gift. I am aware every day that I have chosen to be alive, that I have chosen to be here and do the hard work of being alive, and that I have chosen it because life is short and the return for choosing to be here and working to do so with an open heart is large.

Marrying the Palinode.

I was terrified to be in love in 2000, but I never felt more at home with myself and with my life than when I was with the Palinode. It was the greatest leap of faith I have ever taken, and it is one I continue to take more than ten years later.

It is because of him that I have had the love and support I've needed to grow into a life I once didn't believe I could create.

Getting a pap smear in 2006.

In 2006, I hadn't had a pap smear in six years, and I listened to a niggling little thought in the back of my head that urged me to go. It turned out that I had cervical cancer, and I ended up having a hysterectomy in 2007. Catching cancer early, undoubtedly, makes all of what my life has been since then possible.

Sometimes, those voices in your head are real. Listen to them.

Blogging.

Next to the Palinode, blogging has had the most sweeping effects on my adult life. I am not being hyperbolic here.

Before I found blogging in 2003, I was a creative person who created nothing. I was insecure and depressed and had no hopes that I could ever realize my creative dreams. Blogging has opened up worlds of connection and creativity that I could never have forecast, and the things I've done and the decisions I've made since August of 2003 have largely happened because of this space right here. I learned to listen to myself, write, take photographs, design both on and off the web, quit work that hurt me and embrace work that built me up, and embrace vulnerability so that I could love more fully and take on sobriety.

Never forget, even in the face of some injustices we face here, that we have built amazing things within this dear old internet.

Sobriety.

I quit drinking in August of 2010, just a year and a month ago, and I credit that decision with saving my life. I can't even wrap my mind around all that it has affected yet.

I feel as though love is being revealed to me, as though layers are slowly being peeled away to show me the nature of the universe. I sound like a crazy person, but that's what's happening. Without the alcohol to, quite literally, dampen my spirits, I am waking up, I am opening up, and it is terrifying and beautiful. I have new eyes. I am learning to be present in my own life.

What are the five best decisions you've made?

Comments

[palinode]

Hey, you married a spicy walrus!

[Neil]

Funny how well I've gotten to know you through blogging, but I was not surprised by any of your choices.

[Cindy]

I answered my 5 on Chookooloonks facebook page. I too was surprised by how quickly I came up with my five: Chris, dog, scooter, taking this job, yoga teacher training.

I am also super glad you did not choose suicide because you are one cool ass awesome chic.

[Aimee Giese | Greeblemonkey]

Love this post. Love you - and Palinode!

[Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing]]

SO love all of this.

[abigail.road]

I'm a tad jealous of all the people that came up with their 5 so quickly. I can honestly only think of one. The list of "worst decisions of my life" would be a long one though.

[Sarah]

What a marvelous post idea, and what marvelous decisions. I'm glad you made decision No. 1 for purely selfish reasons - now I get to read this blog!

[Major Bedhead]

I honestly don't know if I could come up with five things at the moment. I'll have to think about that....

[Stereo]

That Palinode is a stone cold fox. Well done you. I love this list.

[Asha {Parent Hacks}]

Congrats on all of your choices, and for sharing them here. Courage and gratitude, two things I'm finding get more important every year.

[Grey Street Girl]

Oh, I love this. Great list! You've inspired me to blog my five as well.

[snozma]

I have a problem not second guessing myself. This is a very wholehearted way to live your life.

The best decisions were (1) to marry my husband (2) to have a child. By far. Everything else, I'm not so sure. But I do think any decision I made that led to those decisions was a great decision--and there are innumerable ones that fall into that category. Like--the decision to go to grad school. Was that a good decision? The decision not to go to law school--I'm pretty sure THAT was a good one. But then it doesn't matter because it's how I met my husband.

I live awash in regret so this is a major challenge. All the comes to mind is all the things I should have done and didn't...

[snozma]

Addendum: I meant: Saying there are five decisions you don't regret without running all the alternative timelines...That's the wholehearted thing. You are living wholeheartedly.

But to be honest, there was this pair of expensive sandals I bought 20 years ago TWENTY YEARS AGO. And they were expensive. I always buy the cheapest thing there is--and I remember agonizing over those sandals. And dammit. They always look like they are on their last legs but somehow they subsist. So that is a decision I do not regret. Everything else I bought though, I pretty much regret.

[CreakyGirl]

- Having an abortion (controversial but definitely, definately true. I'd be emotionally, physically and fiscally f*cked if I had. Plus wouldn't have met my other half)
- Leaving my ex for my husband (even if I did screw it all up to start with)
- Ignoring tradition and having a brilliantly us wedding with pirates and blue frock
- Walking in the door of Weightwatchers in 2003 finally determined to lose the 75lbs I needed to – and doing it
- Leaving theatre and retraining – everything has been on the up since!

It's fascinating thinking of this list - took me a little while but I got there. Interesting that most of mine are about chosing to not do something. Hmm. I got a bit stuck in all the but-if-I-hadn't-have-done-that's about the less good things too, which is intruiging too!

[JChevais]

I'm almost tempted to retry my hand at blogging because of this: what you said about blogging is very true and I miss the creativity that I used to feel as a blogger... And yet... I know that my husband really doesn't feel comfortable with my blogging. Rock? Meet hard place.

My best five?

1) Deciding to move to Europe after graduating from art school.

2) Deciding to throw caution to the wind and get on that train in 1997. MrC and I are still together.

3) Saying yes to getting myself knocked up.

4) Blogging. It kept me working forward, it got me connected, it brought me opportunities.

5) Standing my ground when baby 3 came along. Hubs was vehemently against but I knew I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I meekly got an abortion. That little girl is the most amazing thing ever and MrC has since thanked me for standing my ground.

I find it interesting that your suicidal thoughts subsided post-hysterectomy. Do you suppose there's a link there or is it coincidence?

Thank you, Schmutzie, for always being pertinent. You were an inspiration when I initially started blogging in 2005. Maybe you'll help me to find my way back.

I hope the next time I'm in Regina, you'll let me take you out for an overly priced coffee.

[donna lee]

-not listening/accepting that my father always knows best
-marrying my husband (30 yrs next week)
-becoming a social worker
-blogging
-teaching myself to knit (opened up a world of color and texture and creativity)
-having children

[Alex@LateEnough]

What an interesting idea. I'm not sure if everything that I'd put in that list is bloggable. Hmm...

[JW Moxie]

I'm new to your blog (clearly I've been under a rock for the past few years), but I loved, loved, loved this post. Aside from being a snapshot view of you and what you've accomplished, it's has POWER written all over it.

"Sometimes those voices in your head are real. Listen to them."

True dat.

[klandau]

I never do these kind of things, but here I sit shocked by how easy my answers came and what they really mean to me as I read over them. And you don't know me and why should anyone care and exactly because of all that, I am going to post my answers here, just for the shucks of it. Thanks, yet again, Schmutzie, for bringing something new and lovely to my world.

1. Not having children
2. Moving to Colorado
3. Marrying CG the Mexican (who also does not want children)
4. At the age of 36.5, I decided to do the exact opposite of all my instincts up until that point in my life (make few friends, lay low, stay uninvolved, keep to myself) by volunteering at a nonprofit, joining Toastmasters, and climbing 14ers with a newly forged friend, all of which, ultimately, led to the courage to do all of #5…
5. Quitting my job (a job I had been at for 5.5 years and one in which I was so miserable and hateful, I wanted to slit my wrists every day that I walked through the doors), selling our house, and moving to a small mountain town before I turned 40.

[FireMom]

I think I'm going to blog mine tomorrow as well.

(But...)

(Your point #3?)

(I'll call this week.)

[Naked Girl in a Dress]

What a great post. Thank you for sharing. I might write a similar one at Naked Girl. Will be sure to link up if I do.

[Lisa]

This is a great post, and even though I have only been following your blog for a few short months, it seems so genuine to you. That you listed your marriage among your top decisions is so encouraging to see, and choosing life and sobriety are inspiring themes in many of your posts. Cheers to your continued vibrancy.

[Bobbi]

Hmmm. Only 5 hey?
1) Leaving my hometown
2) Not having children
3) Going into a college bar at 34 as my future better two thirds was waiting for me inside
4) Walking away from a huge career at its peak and selling everything I own to move to a small town in France
5) Starting a blog

Thanks for making me think about this.
)

[Christy]

Oooh, I like this.

1. Going away for college.
2. Moving again for grad school.
3. Finding the right combination of psychiatric meds.
4. Embracing my polyamory.
5. Having a social life on the Internet (this includes blogging). I've met some of the most amazing people that way!

[A Strange Boy]

My five best decisions:

1. Leaving a job I knew was destroying me mentally.
2. Blogging
3. Doing a radio show in university
4. Not binding myself to my religious upbringing.
5. Embracing my homosexuality.

[Lindsay Cresta]

You have inspired me to now blog about my five things! One of mine is not choosing suicide as well so you do not stand alone I am just happy you were brave enough to say it because now I will be!