Thursday
Aug112011
If Your Internet Is Full Of Assholes, It's Your Own Fault
Thursday, August 11, 2011
If your internet is full of assholes, it's your own fault.
Don't get the wrong idea. I'm not calling you an asshole. No. What I am doing, though, is holding you accountable for both the company you choose to keep and the company you choose to ignore.
Over the last year or so, I have heard variations of the following question many times: Why are there so many mean people on the internet? This question is often accompanied by this statement: I am afraid to blog [or start blogging] because there are so many mean people on the internet.
I am here to tell you that, yes, there are mean people on the internet. There are people out there who will tell you your haircut stinks and your kids are ugly and that you're a dick for having feelings about the things you have feelings about. Nobody likes those mean people. They don't even like them.
I am also here to tell you that there are less of them out there than there are of decent people who don't suck as much, and if what you're noticing most on the internet is the mean people, then you are doing one or both of two things:
1) You are choosing to hang out with or near mean people,
2) you are not paying enough attention to the people who don't suck as much as the mean people, or
3) you are choosing to hang out with or near mean people while simultaneously not paying enough attention to the people who don't suck as much as the mean people.
In short, you are doing it wrong.
I was originally going to write this from a happy-go-lucky perspective and wax happy about how there is an ocean of fantastic people to connect with on the internet, so go find them, which is absolutely true — THERE IS AN OCEAN OF FANTASTIC PEOPLE TO CONNECT WITH ON THE INTERNET. GO FIND THEM. — but it struck me that one of the roots of this problem, this woe-is-me attitude about the existence of mean people online, is the lack of personal responsibility we tend to take for how we choose to tailor our own online experiences.
We can't always help seeing the troll that rears its ugly head on Twitter or in our blog comments to tell us exactly how much we suck for being alive, but we can help seeing people being ugly toward other people to a rather large extent. If you read YouTube comments, bookmark a hateful website, or follow unkind people on Twitter, you are inviting assholes into your online experience. You are choosing them, not the other way around.
You create your own internet population, to an extent, all trolls aside. You choose who you follow on Twitter and friend on Facebook. You choose which blogs you subscribe to in your feedreader. You choose whether or not to read comments on sites rife with jerks. The assholes didn't invite you to their party. You did, and when you did, you made your personal internet's asshole population go up. It doesn't mean that there are more of them overall. It just means that you are paying attention to more of them. Your stats are subjective.
Stop inviting yourself to where the assholes live, and there won't be quite so many of them to contend with anymore, and, when there are less assholes around, you just might notice how fucking awesome most of the people populating cyberspace are.
The internet has Jen Lemens and Anissa Mayhews and Ryans in it. There are Kyran Pittmans and Karen Walronds and Amanda Palmers. There are Palinodes (I'm biased) and Kate Inglises and Bloggesses. There are even some funny assholes who won't make you feel bad like Lifecoachers and Mike Monteiro (nsfw). The internet is awash in fantastic, creative people who do and say things that make you want to be a better person, or at least a person who doesn't suck as much as the mean people.
If your internet is full of assholes, it's your own fault for artificially jacking up their population in your sphere of experience and not paying attention to what's awesome. Cut that out.
To echo part of a line from Smoky the Bear: Only you can prevent assholes.
Now go forward and follow awesome.
Don't get the wrong idea. I'm not calling you an asshole. No. What I am doing, though, is holding you accountable for both the company you choose to keep and the company you choose to ignore.
Over the last year or so, I have heard variations of the following question many times: Why are there so many mean people on the internet? This question is often accompanied by this statement: I am afraid to blog [or start blogging] because there are so many mean people on the internet.
I am here to tell you that, yes, there are mean people on the internet. There are people out there who will tell you your haircut stinks and your kids are ugly and that you're a dick for having feelings about the things you have feelings about. Nobody likes those mean people. They don't even like them.
I am also here to tell you that there are less of them out there than there are of decent people who don't suck as much, and if what you're noticing most on the internet is the mean people, then you are doing one or both of two things:
1) You are choosing to hang out with or near mean people,
2) you are not paying enough attention to the people who don't suck as much as the mean people, or
3) you are choosing to hang out with or near mean people while simultaneously not paying enough attention to the people who don't suck as much as the mean people.
In short, you are doing it wrong.
I was originally going to write this from a happy-go-lucky perspective and wax happy about how there is an ocean of fantastic people to connect with on the internet, so go find them, which is absolutely true — THERE IS AN OCEAN OF FANTASTIC PEOPLE TO CONNECT WITH ON THE INTERNET. GO FIND THEM. — but it struck me that one of the roots of this problem, this woe-is-me attitude about the existence of mean people online, is the lack of personal responsibility we tend to take for how we choose to tailor our own online experiences.
We can't always help seeing the troll that rears its ugly head on Twitter or in our blog comments to tell us exactly how much we suck for being alive, but we can help seeing people being ugly toward other people to a rather large extent. If you read YouTube comments, bookmark a hateful website, or follow unkind people on Twitter, you are inviting assholes into your online experience. You are choosing them, not the other way around.
You create your own internet population, to an extent, all trolls aside. You choose who you follow on Twitter and friend on Facebook. You choose which blogs you subscribe to in your feedreader. You choose whether or not to read comments on sites rife with jerks. The assholes didn't invite you to their party. You did, and when you did, you made your personal internet's asshole population go up. It doesn't mean that there are more of them overall. It just means that you are paying attention to more of them. Your stats are subjective.
Stop inviting yourself to where the assholes live, and there won't be quite so many of them to contend with anymore, and, when there are less assholes around, you just might notice how fucking awesome most of the people populating cyberspace are.
The internet has Jen Lemens and Anissa Mayhews and Ryans in it. There are Kyran Pittmans and Karen Walronds and Amanda Palmers. There are Palinodes (I'm biased) and Kate Inglises and Bloggesses. There are even some funny assholes who won't make you feel bad like Lifecoachers and Mike Monteiro (nsfw). The internet is awash in fantastic, creative people who do and say things that make you want to be a better person, or at least a person who doesn't suck as much as the mean people.
If your internet is full of assholes, it's your own fault for artificially jacking up their population in your sphere of experience and not paying attention to what's awesome. Cut that out.
To echo part of a line from Smoky the Bear: Only you can prevent assholes.
Now go forward and follow awesome.
categorized in writing and blogging and tagged in assholes, blogging, internet
writing and blogging and tagged in assholes, blogging, internet 
Reader Comments (57)
Actually, his name is Smoky Bear. #asshole
Thank you for the reminder!
I love this because it's true. Back in the day of schoolyard bullies (read: not today's little psychopaths who terrorize others), the way to best them was to ignore them: when the target stops responding, the "fun" is gone.
I find it rather amusing how many people will ask me about drama when 99% of the time, I have NO CLUE what's going on - I'm not sure if it's due to the company I keep, or the fact that I'm oblivious.
So true.
Nice use of the word asshole. Going forward and being awesome now. Thanks :)
Similarly - Anil Dash discussed this GENIUSLY in regards to sites like YouTube and News websites b/c those comment sections there are full of assholes. He even gives "tips" regarding it.
http://dashes.com/anil/2011/07/if-your-websites-full-of-assholes-its-your-fault.html
I like this trend, everyone reminding the internet that we have control over our URLs. Sometimes I think we forget that.
My relationships have transmigrated from AA rooms to the internet, so I'm glad it's not all assholes. The amount of affection that transfers from cyberspace to physical space never fails to boggle.
Manifest the non-assholeness and the non-assholes will flock to you.
Moving full steam ahead into the awesome...
Agreed. That is why my inbox is full of ladies like you.
Yep. And this same logic would also benefit the mean, sucky assholes who constantly complain about what others blog or tweet about, and how they do it, and whether they make money from it, and how much, and why, and on and on and on. To them I say: If you don't like that stuff, DON'T FOLLOW THE PEOPLE WHO PARTICIPATE IN IT. We all curate our own Internet to an extent, and as goes my favorite little jingle right now: "It's okay to not like things. It's okay, but don't be a dick about it." http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0la5DBtOVNI
this is why I keep reading here - you are brilliant. this should be an obvious thing and yet we need reminding. it is also true in real life, pay attention to the attitudes around you, negativity is catchy if you're not careful.
My Internet is full of awesome. (You're part of it, in case you haven't noticed.)
AMEN.
Which is why I hang out with people like you and everyone you linked to and all of the above commenters that I know and love.
Amen to Leah's comment too.
Oh, I heart this SO MUCH.
Love this. A timely reminder for me.
I'm pretty partial, but I think YOU are awesome.
True. SO TRUE. I love the power of the unfollow and/or delete button. Ahhhhhhhhh... Feels like a weight lifted off of me when I rid myself of an asshole that I somehow ended up following. Sometimes they are sneaky, but eventually their asshole personality shines through and out them. And yeah... I never read the comments on news sites. Whoa man. Those people are Cuh-razy.
I love this. I learned the hard way that I alone have control over what I allow into my life. Not scared to use the unfollow feature now.
What Christine said, yes.
This is my belief, too. And also? If you see assholes everywhere, to some extent it must be considered that you're seeing what you're seeking. And one must also go so far as to consider that if people tend to see people in a similar frame of light as their own self-regard, some people who see assholes ("they're everywhere"), may somehow identify with them - especially when you consider how many people seem to get into blogging as a means to find kindred souls, confirmation of their core beliefs, and/or inspiration to be a different sort of person (or 'more' something - popular, learned, famous, rich...).
Not that I'm calling myself or anyone an asshole. But, hey, if you see assholes everywhere, you may be anal-retentive. ;)
Good show big sister. Ultimately you are the number one person to choose what to appreciate in your own existence. I whole-heartedly agree. Two notes to add...
1. Assholes may piss you off for a few minutes of the day but they piss themselves off 24/7
2. It is often said that " MeN people suck!", but then again so do apathetic people.
Oh SO true. And I quietly unfollow assholes a lot. If they are particularly grief-y, they get blocked. Much more fun to surround yourself with love and nice people and live life.
Wait. My kids are ugly? Sheeeeet. ;)
I would add that there are also @Schmutzies who make my internet world a better place. :-)
No truer words have ever been spoken: "They don't even like them."
If you don't put yourself out there - you will for sure miss out on all the good.
Yes, yes, you are right.
All day I've been thinking of and quoting the words you told me yesterday, "surround yourself with the kind of people that will give you the internet experience you desire."
It's as simple as that.
Thank you.
Very nice. And very true.
Loved the Smokey reference. OH, and i will be willing to bet that you will rank pretty well on the asshole keyword on Google after this also. Well played! ;)
Yes! Exactly! This is an awesome reminder.
Like they (the nice ones) said. And I LOVE your photos - particularly the happy face.
Yup.
AMEN! My BlogHer experience was awesome because of the people I hung out with...who are ALL super funny and awesome themselves. Screw the mean people.
So true, and exactly how I try to live, internet or not! I pretty much have no idea what's going on in regards to internet drama, and that's the way (uh-huh, uh-huh) I like it.
That I could be cited in this post as one of the good guys is the most precious equity I have in social media. I wouldn't trade it for all the page views in the world.
Also, shouldn't that be Inglissi and Bloggessi? ;-)
I am pleased to report that if I *ever* hear of asshole activity, it is usually after things have simmered. This makes me very happy. I feel like I've won at following The Fantastic! (As usual, you've summed it up perfectly.)
I like the assholes. As long as they keep on their side of the fence and stay out of my yard.
Good points and people worth following.
Thanks for the intro to Lifecoachers. Now those are assholes I can get behind!
Yep!!!
Speak it!
Because you are so right; most of us out here on the internet are damn nice people who wouldn't give up our integrity for any reason, ever, and the assholes, when ignored, tend to go away. They will always go to where the action is.
I like to keep the assholes on the fringes, where I can still see what they're up to. There is some entertainment value, I guess.
I like to think I'm one of the assholes sometimes.
Love this post, but we should remember that who each of see as an asshole is an individual choice itself, and not something that we can all decide on as a group. One person's asshole can be the next person's best friend. There are talented assholes and untalented saints. Are we saying that if the asshole is funny or popular, then it is OK to be an asshole? I agree whole-heartedly with what you say here, but I think at least one of us should bring up the fact that we all will define asshole in slightly different ways. I would rather we keep trying to bring the assholes into the fold rather than isolating them further.
Neil, this entire essay is about personal choice, and if you see someone as an asshole, and if they make your internet a place you don't want it to be, drop them.
If you want to take it upon yourself to "bring the assholes into the fold", go ahead, but that's not my job, and I'm not interested in converting jerks. If someone close to me is having a brief problem with assholery, that's one thing, and I'll talk to them about it, but general internet assholes? Why should I go out of my way to engage with people who are unkind and who I am not attached to personally?
I guess I'm not sure what you're getting at here.
OK, I think the distinction is between general asshole-ishness and sometimes asshole-ishness. I would rather know someone online who is real, which includes bouts of depression or being crotchety, than someone who was phony in presenting a beautiful or nice persona.
Of course, I know that this isn't what you are talking about. We are talking about those who ALWAYS create drama -- over NONSENSE, like the color of cakes at blogging conferences.
Perhaps I am concerned that others will use this "asshole" excuse to marginalize those who they don't agree with. If for instance, if someone is passionate about an issue like feminism or gay rights, they will just say, "Unfollow that asshole." I think this is one of the reason there is so little smart political conversation online. We don't want to even hear the other side.
Anyway, i know we agree, so I guess I am just being a little asshole-ly. Don't unfollow me. Yet.
On the flip side, too much positivity weakens this medium. if we only pay attention to the "nice" people, then we close our ears to all criticism even when criticism is what is desperately needed to make personal blogging stronger. I want to know when people think I've done something that crosses a line, or doesn't meet the standard that I've set for myself, or generally just sucks. the cult of positivity and overly-sycophantic comments general to personal blogging creates an environment where constructive criticism is unwelcome, and more often than not characterized as "hate" or "asshole" behavior. While I agree with much of what you said in this post, we need to make a distinction between someone who's just generally an asshole, and critics who might have a good point. Sadly, personal blogging lacks any true "critics" whose motives cannot be easily dismissed because they are so obviously invested in the game themselves. Too few professional critics take blogging seriously, perhaps because we often don't deserve to be taken seriously.
Facing my personal critics (mostly in e-mail) has made blogging a lot more challenging. A lot of people ask me why I got rid of comments on my blog (assuming it's because I'm afraid of anonymous critics) when the truth is that I'm more afraid of people being overly nice. I love this quote from Emerson: "I hate to be defended in a newspaper. As long as all that is said is said against me, I feel a certain assurance of success. But as soon as honeyed words of praise are spoken for me, I feel as one that lies unprotected before his enemies."
Yeah, it's smart to ignore generic internet assholes. But if we truly believe what we are doing is "writing" then we need to have the strength of conviction and humility to face down those who might have something less than positive to say about what we write.
jdg, I absolutely agree with you. Good point.
There is a difference between being an asshole and taking a critical eye to something. This difference isn't perceptible to everyone, though, and, to those who can't see it, it is a great loss. Talking with people who have offered me criticism (which is not always easy to take) has only pushed me to write and do better. Criticism is a necessary part of growing and changing both personally and in a community; otherwise, we all end up living in a bubble. Let the race toward mediocrity begin!
I think this carries through to the world outside the Internet too. The distinction between brief and general assholery might become more important in this context, but we've all known people who surround themselves with toxic relationships and spend most of their time lamenting the fact.
How awesome are you?!
Glass half full, myself.
I have neither the time nor the energy for assholes, both in my RL or my virtual one. Life is too short to
try to dodge other people's crap.
Amen, sister. Amen.
Oh my, you said the "A" word. My mommy-blogger ears are burning!
I've been going through a rough patch and so Alexandra, The Empress, sent me over to read this and now I understand why.
Thank you very much for being so blunt. I appreciate it
Take care.
Your Friend, m.
p.s. I read a couple of your posts and am here to let you know that I hate Glee too. m.
Word.
No matter which way you turn, there's always an asshole right behind you.
Here's a picture of mine.
*
So it goes.
Most excellent. ;D