Friday
Jul082011
We Are As Present Here As We Are Anywhere
Friday, July 8, 2011
I recently did something social media-wise that I swore I would never do. In fact, I did something that I have even cautioned others never to do.
I keep forgetting my own wisdom to avoid thinking in terms of always and never. It's very confusing wisdom, because it betrays its own rule: Always avoid use of the word "never", and never use the word "always", because nothing is absolute.
Anyway, this thing I did is generally considered very extra not cool when it comes to Twitter, and I felt very extra not cool when I did it.
This is a completely unrelated picture of a present one of the cats left for me this morning.
I recently embroiled myself in an internet controversy, which is not at all my normal modus operandi when it comes to my interaction with people on or off the internet. I wasn't entirely comfortable with my reaction, because emotions were high in everyone's corner, and I normally wait until I am calm and distanced somewhat before I write about difficult subjects, but there it was. I'd published it.
I knew that some people would disagree with me and some others would agree with me and some other people would use what I'd written as a springboard to shout about their own, not entirely related, issues, because this is how the internet works sometimes. It can feel like a really crappy party thrown for Nancy Grace impersonators in an interrogation room with no food or drink to soften their guts.
I was expecting that a few people would decide that they didn't like me anymore, and I was okay with that. Usually, if I do something controversial on the internet, just as in offline life, a few people will drop me, because, and I'm only assuming this here, they differ with me too greatly and no longer want to hear what I have to say. That's okay. There are people I have unfollowed and unfriended because I don't want to hear what they have to say. This is life. We just can't like every person that comes into our lives enough to want to have to hear from them every day.
As expected, several people did unfollow on me Twitter, and that was fine, because this is what happens, and it wasn't like these people were my bestest bosom buddies. One unfollower, though, bothered me. She was someone whose weblog I have been reading for years. I've followed her through relationships and pregnancy and tales of her crazy teenage years. And she unfollowed me. Ooph.
I thought about it and thought about it and thought about it, and I couldn't let it go, because I knew that her unfollowing had to do with my becoming embroiled in the internet controversy I mentioned earlier, the one about which my reactions had me feeling conflicted. I couldn't stand thinking that my years-long acquaintance with this person, a person I genuinely care for, would end because of something I did that I was not entirely comfortable with, either, and so I did the thing that I have told others to always never do.
I e-mailed her to ask her why she unfollowed me on Twitter.
Seriously. I did that. I tucked my tail between my legs and asked if it was something I had done and could we please talk about it.
One thing I promised myself when I quit drinking last August was that I would no longer allow myself to live under the weight of shame, and part of that promise meant facing situations straight on and asking the hard questions when I felt that familiar burn crawl up the back of my neck. I'm not allowed to hide from it anymore. Hiding is what led me to the bottom of thousands and thousands of pint glasses for over twenty years, and I just can't do go that route. It breaks me down.
I knew I had to go against my own Twitter rule and ask her why, even if it made both of us feel awkward and uncomfortable, which it most definitely did. I had to write the e-mail, because she is someone I respect and admire, and those people are worth the work to keep around.
I am here to report that I am so glad I sent that awkward and uncomfortable e-mail. It forced me to take a closer look at who I am and how I interact and why I do things and what's important. It allowed her and I to share our thoughts about a difficult subject and make some peace with each other. Also, it reminded me that what we do here in the world of social media is not always as broad and shallow as it sometimes appears. What we do here creates roots that reach down deep.
In the interest of self-protection, we can defensively behave as though it's all a mile wide and an inch deep, but, in actuality, we are as present here as we are anywhere. This is who we are, and this is what we have to show for ourselves, and it's worth the work to tend the roots.
I keep forgetting my own wisdom to avoid thinking in terms of always and never. It's very confusing wisdom, because it betrays its own rule: Always avoid use of the word "never", and never use the word "always", because nothing is absolute.
Anyway, this thing I did is generally considered very extra not cool when it comes to Twitter, and I felt very extra not cool when I did it.
This is a completely unrelated picture of a present one of the cats left for me this morning.
I recently embroiled myself in an internet controversy, which is not at all my normal modus operandi when it comes to my interaction with people on or off the internet. I wasn't entirely comfortable with my reaction, because emotions were high in everyone's corner, and I normally wait until I am calm and distanced somewhat before I write about difficult subjects, but there it was. I'd published it.
I knew that some people would disagree with me and some others would agree with me and some other people would use what I'd written as a springboard to shout about their own, not entirely related, issues, because this is how the internet works sometimes. It can feel like a really crappy party thrown for Nancy Grace impersonators in an interrogation room with no food or drink to soften their guts.
I was expecting that a few people would decide that they didn't like me anymore, and I was okay with that. Usually, if I do something controversial on the internet, just as in offline life, a few people will drop me, because, and I'm only assuming this here, they differ with me too greatly and no longer want to hear what I have to say. That's okay. There are people I have unfollowed and unfriended because I don't want to hear what they have to say. This is life. We just can't like every person that comes into our lives enough to want to have to hear from them every day.
As expected, several people did unfollow on me Twitter, and that was fine, because this is what happens, and it wasn't like these people were my bestest bosom buddies. One unfollower, though, bothered me. She was someone whose weblog I have been reading for years. I've followed her through relationships and pregnancy and tales of her crazy teenage years. And she unfollowed me. Ooph.
I thought about it and thought about it and thought about it, and I couldn't let it go, because I knew that her unfollowing had to do with my becoming embroiled in the internet controversy I mentioned earlier, the one about which my reactions had me feeling conflicted. I couldn't stand thinking that my years-long acquaintance with this person, a person I genuinely care for, would end because of something I did that I was not entirely comfortable with, either, and so I did the thing that I have told others to always never do.
I e-mailed her to ask her why she unfollowed me on Twitter.
Seriously. I did that. I tucked my tail between my legs and asked if it was something I had done and could we please talk about it.
One thing I promised myself when I quit drinking last August was that I would no longer allow myself to live under the weight of shame, and part of that promise meant facing situations straight on and asking the hard questions when I felt that familiar burn crawl up the back of my neck. I'm not allowed to hide from it anymore. Hiding is what led me to the bottom of thousands and thousands of pint glasses for over twenty years, and I just can't do go that route. It breaks me down.
I knew I had to go against my own Twitter rule and ask her why, even if it made both of us feel awkward and uncomfortable, which it most definitely did. I had to write the e-mail, because she is someone I respect and admire, and those people are worth the work to keep around.
I am here to report that I am so glad I sent that awkward and uncomfortable e-mail. It forced me to take a closer look at who I am and how I interact and why I do things and what's important. It allowed her and I to share our thoughts about a difficult subject and make some peace with each other. Also, it reminded me that what we do here in the world of social media is not always as broad and shallow as it sometimes appears. What we do here creates roots that reach down deep.
In the interest of self-protection, we can defensively behave as though it's all a mile wide and an inch deep, but, in actuality, we are as present here as we are anywhere. This is who we are, and this is what we have to show for ourselves, and it's worth the work to tend the roots.
categorized in health, writing and blogging and tagged in blogging, metablogging, sobriety, social media, twitter
health, writing and blogging and tagged in blogging, metablogging, sobriety, social media, twitter 
Reader Comments (18)
I admire you.
Read a similar post on another blog about a year ago. It is tough when those certain someone's in our lives decide to take their balls and go home. But why ignore it? If it was significant to you, than it was significant. As significant as if a friend stopped returning your calls. Good for you for being brave.
Very cool. That shows cojones. I'm still upset by a few people who unfollowed me, but make believe that it doesn't matter.
I think that you are amazing.
Thank you for reminding me of this. My roots get forgotten sometimes.
You're good people.
I've been pretty much offline for over a week, so I missed your BlogHer post.
Glad yo call you friend, lady. You ARE good people.
you are a beautiful person. I am so proud we are friends. xo
You continue to inspire me with your courage to commit to living a conscious life. You are indeed good people.
How very brave of you. It is so hard to confront another person in an honest and vulnerable way and so much easier to just sweep it under the rug and then let it fester interminably. You chose the healthy option and that is so much more honest and true to yourself. Rock ON!
Yes. And -- you're one of the good ones, my friend.
Very well said. Since I put the "A" in amateur blogger (and if blogger were used loosely when referring to moi), I only recently read about the scuffle. But, I've seen Trolls at work and well...I'll be honest and say it sort of scares me away from developing any iota of bloggness that I might have in me. As for you, this post was great and from the heart. Nicely done.
You are way braver than me. And I'm very glad your query turned out reasonably well (non-horribly), because, well, it's hard to hear what someone might have to say about that without shrinking into a little ball, and have a relationship come out of it in a form worth saving.
When you say it's worth protecting the roots, I'm thinking that we all build up "roots" with the connections around us over time. Even when they're shallow roots, they're still pretty darn fibrous and tenacious. But some connections get yanked up pretty easily by an unkind word (or whatever), and others are more tenacious. Even when I disagree with or (very rarely) get hurt by you, I appreciate the larger network of little rootlings you have in my heart/psyche. (I'm heading towards a gardening analogy, but I'll stop now!)
As someone who discovered your blog because of said internet controversy, I have to say, I'm so glad you did comment on it as I would never have found your insightful, funny, thoughtful blog otherwise. Seriously - I spend an hour combing through your posts, and Twitter feed and think you're totally awesome.
Elan, it's kind of amazing when I think about how close -- and how distant -- I feel with certain people online. I've had my feelings hurt with internet disagreements, misunderstandings and unfollows/unfriendings (seriously can't believe I just used two words that don't exist & am letting them stand). One one hand it's "don't take it too seriously; you don't really know each other" and on the other hand it's just "ouch, I kinda liked them". You're right, though, it's just part of life in general. I had someone think I was snarky/mean/bitchy today when I didn't think I was at all. I thought she was being an insensitive, hard-headed jerk. She probably didn't think she was.
Online communication opens up many possibilities...but there are no guarantees that it will all be good. I totally agree with you on trying to salvage the relationships that ended for not-great reasons. It's not always possible, but I think it's brave and right to try.
I appreciate your honesty, even if it insights controversy or a reaction that is counter to what you've presented. Isn't a weblog supposed to be your vision of the world? Even if it's counter to what your followers expect? We can't always agree 100% of the time. This is your little corner of the internet and a place of self expression, it is sad that people have to leave or shut it off - but maybe that is better than resorting to trolling or inflammatory responses? Anyway, I thought you were very reasonable when you posted what you did, and I thought your commentary was neutral and got really great conversations happening (crucial conversations maybe?).
Anyway, I can also appreciate your balls in contacting someone who's left. Confrontation is a really important element to human communication that is lost in this world!
I wonder if you'll unfollow me if I say that people on the internet take many of these things way, way too seriously.
It's strange because some of them are funny and they take themselves too seriously.
It left kind of a bad taste in my mouth when I commented because--although I continue to not have a clue about what actually happened and I always (like EVERY TIME) come into these controversies way later and am always like 'say what?'--I sounded like *I* was taking sides.
I was really doing the 'suppose that X hypothetically said Y...' thing.
I felt all weird about it and almost emailed you to denounce myself. It is my goal in life to never be part of any of these things, ever, ever. And to never be bothered by anything on the internet. From my first blog post (in 2001!) that elicited a wave of peculiar anti-American sentiment from someone I"m pretty sure was Canadian until now I have never been embroiled in a single internet dispute.
The internet lends itself to the 'telephone game' problem in an interesting way. There's too much that can go wrong between well-meaning people. Or between well-meaning people and the only occasionally bitchy person. Or between the merely moody but fundamentally decent.
I'm blathering because I"m tired. I meant only to say: 'That is like something you would do and your forthright ability to dialogue with people suggests to me that some kinds of back and forth won't happen to you and I admit that kind of makes me wonder about the other people and their kerfluffles. I"m sure some can't be avoided. But many could, I'm sure, with the mere refusal to demonize anyone.
Honestly, as uncomfortable as it would make me to ask or be asked, I think having such discussions is important and adds something to the frequently not visible "humanity" of the internet and social media.