Monday
Apr042011
Ask Schmutzie A Question And She'll Tell You No Lies, Unless It's About Ian
Monday, April 4, 2011
Check out my first, second, third, fourth, fifth, and sixth responses to the questions from the comments on this post.
I quit drinking over seven months ago in August, and, if I am being honest, which is what I am trying to be and which is what inspired this sobriety in the first place, I have to admit that I wanted to quit drinking for more than ten years before that.
I am verging on my eighth month of sobriety now, still divorced from my old life and still without God, and I want to write more about this experience, but I am unsure where to start over the last month. The sheer volume of words that I could share about my first few months of sober living overwhelms me. The first teetotaling winter of my adult life has left me speechless.
I want to keep writing about it, though. I need to. I may not be a religious person, but I do put some stock in the idea of logos: in the beginning was the Word. It is when I put words to my life that I pick up its threads, that I recognize its warp and weft. Words lay my life both bare and plain, and, although I know that this is going to sound very dramatic, it is the absolute truth: writing is my birthplace. Language defines the movement of my whole being through time, it says here you are, take yourself and go, it corrals the chaos into a recognizable mould capable of affecting change.
Here's where you come in. Help me to write about my sobriety. Help me to define the place I'm in and the places to which it might lead. I'm turning to you.
Do you have questions about how I got from August to April? Do you want to know if I've gotten fat from my new crutch, chocolate ice cream? Are you curious about the particulars about my experience? Please ask me in the comments, and I'll tell you no lies, at least as far as I am capable of telling the truth, (which proviso I add because I refuse to step on the bathroom scale and confront what chocolate ice cream has done to my middle, which I now fondly refer to as Ian, my food baby).
I'm putting myself in your hands. What would you like to know?
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PS. My first answer is to Scared's comment.
I quit drinking over seven months ago in August, and, if I am being honest, which is what I am trying to be and which is what inspired this sobriety in the first place, I have to admit that I wanted to quit drinking for more than ten years before that.
I am verging on my eighth month of sobriety now, still divorced from my old life and still without God, and I want to write more about this experience, but I am unsure where to start over the last month. The sheer volume of words that I could share about my first few months of sober living overwhelms me. The first teetotaling winter of my adult life has left me speechless.
I want to keep writing about it, though. I need to. I may not be a religious person, but I do put some stock in the idea of logos: in the beginning was the Word. It is when I put words to my life that I pick up its threads, that I recognize its warp and weft. Words lay my life both bare and plain, and, although I know that this is going to sound very dramatic, it is the absolute truth: writing is my birthplace. Language defines the movement of my whole being through time, it says here you are, take yourself and go, it corrals the chaos into a recognizable mould capable of affecting change.
Here's where you come in. Help me to write about my sobriety. Help me to define the place I'm in and the places to which it might lead. I'm turning to you.
Do you have questions about how I got from August to April? Do you want to know if I've gotten fat from my new crutch, chocolate ice cream? Are you curious about the particulars about my experience? Please ask me in the comments, and I'll tell you no lies, at least as far as I am capable of telling the truth, (which proviso I add because I refuse to step on the bathroom scale and confront what chocolate ice cream has done to my middle, which I now fondly refer to as Ian, my food baby).
I'm putting myself in your hands. What would you like to know?
----------------------------
PS. My first answer is to Scared's comment.
categorized in health and tagged in alcoholism, ask Schmutzie, healthy living, logos, mental health, sober, sobriety, writing
health and tagged in alcoholism, ask Schmutzie, healthy living, logos, mental health, sober, sobriety, writing 
Reader Comments (29)
Are there particular situations - a phrase, someone wearing a red ski cap, a song heard as a car drives by, a favourite item of clothing - that immediately whip you back to your sober present?
It is completely not my place to say this, but I'm going to do it anyway.
I've been reading you for a couple of years now, and I'm really proud of you. You are rewriting your personal history, which is a difficult and brave act. Narrative does more than tell where we've come from; it shapes who we are and who we will be. Far too few people take ownership of that process, but you have.
You're amazing.
When is it most difficult?
SEVEN MONTHS! WOOOOOO!!!!!
What do you do while you're socializing with your friends now? Substitute food or coffee for alcohol? (I know you separated yourself from many of your drinking friends.) Has the Palinode stopped drinking as well? (I can't remember if you've written about this before.) Do you sleep better? Have you found your depression to be improved? Or worse? Have you found yourself with MORE to write about now that you're sober? Is that too many questions?
ah, logos. i love me some logos.
here is my question (although, first, i must say that i think this q+a thing is brilliant): how did you find new words? when did you find them? did you run up and hug them or did you peer out from a corner at them, hesitant? did you know they were yours right away?
The addictions I'm battling are unhealthy mental/emotional reactions. I've been using cognitive behavioral therapy to help re-program my automatic negative responses. How have you dealt with the instant impluses or cravings you might have?
Ok here is my question...
I've quit smoking, due to pregnancy mainly but also because it's probably the right thing to do as a mom of three kids and wanting to live as long as possible... I've obviously also quit drinking. But it doesn't take away the urges, and in social situations it's REALLY HARD to avoid begging people for tobacco and whining about not being able to have that glass of wine. Even though it's all a social stigma, that drinking a glass of wine here and there is going to do nothing to my unborn third... la la la. I smoked here and there through the other two pregnancies, cutting down but each time I piled back on the tobacco to lose the weight.
My question is - will you ever be able to go back to those "places" of alcohol consumption, or have you, and how have you handled it? I had to refrain from licking the table at O'Hanlons a few months ago when I went with a friend who had never been there. Instead ate garlic cheese fries and probably started this massive weight gain problem...
And when you go back there, what will you order? Is there something of the non-alcoholic beverage that isn't pop or water or tea or coffee that Niles hides behind the counter? Or will you? I just really, really miss that patio and I can't wait to sit there and eat pizza (really, that is my most favorite thing to do on a Friday night).
Just so you know, you're totally my inspiration for dropping tobacco when that time comes. I seem to have less issue with the alcohol than I do with the smoking... but then I also have alcoholic family members and they are a great reminder of why I could use this as a great jumping off point for not going back there.
Do you ever have moments of rocking your little belly? Feeling like the intriguing earthy siren you are? I am trying to reinvision *my* several-winters-acquired belly -- trying to imagine it as a little bit sexy. I'm thinking about women I know who are sexy even when they carry more heft than is allowed per social expectations. I figure this is a good attitude to have since I'll be dealing with this shape for a long time even if I eventually slim down.
You answered another question earlier (how to get through the tail end of winter when you've got SAD) when you wrote about self medicating with potatoes. I love that.
Oh and is there any point to me trying to understand what's going on with the Canadian government? So far I am very confused.
I'm curious about your thoughts on AA and how you've managed to do this on your own. Do you think AA is bullshit, a la Charlie Sheen? Do you think you hit rock bottom? AA proponents are always talking about how a person has to hit rock bottom before they turn their life around. (I have no opinion about AA one way or the other) But mostly: How did you do this on your own? I think if it were me, I'd need a nightly support group, rehab, physical constraints, and someone to call me every day to check in.
When you want a drink, how do you resist? Also, does the Palinode drink when you're out together? (I'm assuming he doesn't at home.) How has getting sober changed your relationship?
Ooh. I have a ton of questions.
--How'd you first figure it out? Did you take those questionaires? I always take them, and sort of pass them but still have a problem.
--Did you kind of always know. Did other people ever mention anything or did it just hit you or what?
--Can you handle the Palinode having alcohol. Maybe that's too personal. I can't quit things if people do them around me, usually.
--How do you keep from lying to yourself? That's a big problem in my life--those shifts in perspective. I am 12 people. At least. One can decide to do what's good for me but then some other ones will come along and distract her and/or beat her into submission and I'm off to the races again.
Anyway, you are a massively impressive person in all the ways that counts and I'm really in awe both that you did this and that you talked about it.
Oh yeah--How do you handle FEELINGS now?
FEEEEELINGS...nothing but feeeeelings...
I remember when I was young it seemed weird that drinking to take away your feelings was a BAD thing. I was like 'but...how can that be BAD? You have this bad feeling and there's this beverage (true, a poisonous beverage in anything but small amounts...but still) and you drink it and then you don't have the bad feeling!" I just did not understand how this anyone could think this was inadvisable.
13 days sober here. I did some serious binge drinking in the weeks leading up to quitting, way beyond my then-normal nightly drunk. I was using alcohol as a crutch after finding out my mom, (my best friend), has pancreatic cancer and is now receiving end-of-life care. Ended up scaring myself into quitting. But the pain that the alcohol took away is ever-present. Is there a point where it won't feel like I should just give in to the easy abyss of drinking?
What do you fear most - that there is a God or that there is not?
Firstly, congratulations on your sobriety! It's a difficult path, luckily we don't have to trudge it alone.
Secondly, be careful when writing about AA to not confuse spirituality with religion. Many AA oldtimers don't believe in God and wouldn't set foot in a church outside of a meeting - but, like you, they have a belief in a higher power. The wonderful thing about AA is you take what you need and leave the rest. The ONLY requirement for membership is the desire to quit drinking (tradition 3).
I'll ask you the question I get asked the most from those contemplating sobriety: What do you do for fun?
Actually, Tricky, I don't believe in a higher power, and there is more about AA that makes me and it completely incompatible than my brief mention of it here would say. Luckily, I have no need of that particular organization.
1 - congratulations on seven months!
2 - Ian sounds really cool, why did you decide to name him? Couldn't he have just been anonymous?
3 - Have you ever thought about shifting from ice cream to chocolate?
It's not so much a question... It's more of a writing exercise... I just wrote a letter to my 98 year old self, and it actually turned out to be pretty revealing! I thought it would be interesting to read what advice you have for YOUR 98 year old self....
I know people usually do it the other way around - ie writing to your younger self in the past, but that seams a little easy: stop drinking so much, don't forget to grab your keys on the 18th of February etc... No. What I think would be really interesting is writing forward to your older self.
What do you want to remember, make sure you're still doing, what your hopes are for the years ahead etc :)
I wrote mine here: http://leafprobably.wordpress.com/2011/04/05/write-a-letter-to-your-98-year-old-self/
What is your worst memory from your drinking days? What is your best one? What is your worst memory so far from your new sobriety days? What is your best one?
B
Do you have more disposable income now? What are you spending it on?
do you think you will ever go back to O'Hanlon's? Why or why not?
Do you see a future that includes the friends you distanced yourself from? How do you think that might look?
Do you want to go to a coffee shop with me and Deron sometime and play board games?
A question that often gets brought up when talking to former addicts: were you ever addicted to the adrenaline rush that comes from knowing you quite literally can die in this moment, that a mere tip of the scales will decide on which side of the life line you will land?
What do you do , when, at some moments, you recall the warm, liquidness of your body when you've had a good, full glass of wine?
What do you do when that siren's call is so strong...the gold warmthness of a glass of wine at the end of the day?
What do you do?
I don't have a question but will look forward to the answers you post here--I commend you (not that you need commendations from anyone unless they come with large checks, which, alas, I don't have but anyway). It's like miscarriages, being a drunk, I think, in that it's an incredibly painful and private thing, in some ways, and yet almost everyone has a miscarrying story, either their own or someone else's. Drunks is everywhere, it's true--a surprising number of people ARE drunks or know drunks and/or are the offspring of drunks. But words are everywhere, too. I believe deeply in the healing power of imagination, which is what it takes to translate experience and memory into a form that others can understand.
Why did you decide to quit instead of just cutting back?
Schmutzie, I don't mean higher power in the sense of man in the sky, single deity that needs a name. I mean it in the sense of something greater than yourself. Nature, poetry, logos, fellow people, the wind, other people's sobriety, etc.
Do you attend functions where people will be drinking alcohol, or go to restaurants where they serve alcohol? Does it bother you to just be around it, or is it like quitting smoking, when you get used to not doing it, it doesn't bother you as much?
Yum. Your words are so right, and remind me why I need to get back to my own blog. Like now.
(I have so many things I'm struggling with and while I may not be writing the next Pulitzer, writing is the only way they make sense...)
Also, I don't know if I'm too late, but my question would be: How can/do/are those who love you and are in your life help you the most?
PS
Congrats!!!