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Wednesday
Jul282010
Lessons Learned From Nudity, A Handicap, And An Uptight Cat
Wednesday, July 28, 2010
I was standing in the bathtub towelling off after a shower when I noticed a dark shape peeking around the edge of the bathroom door.
Oskar trying to beat the heat
"Hello there, kitten wittens. Come on in," I said, because sometimes Oskar waits for an invite before entering the bathroom.
There was no movement.
"Oh, kiddly bediddly. You can come in," I singsonged, patting the edge of the tub.
There was still no movement.
"So, you're just going to sit out there, hey sweetness? But I miss my widdle fuschnickens." I clapped my hands against my thighs.
There was no movement again, but he sometimes makes a point of half-ignoring me if he feels that he's been slighted somehow, which is often.
"Little kitter badoodles, you know you want some lovin'," I said. "Come to your mama. My yiddow baby cat knows he's got some coming."
And then I reached down to rub his head and entice him to come through the door...
only to find myself petting...
A BATHING SUIT HANGING ON THE DOORKNOB.
It was then that I realized I had just spent several straight minutes trying to sweet talk a bathing suit into coming into the bathroom for a cuddle.
Lessons learned:
Oskar trying to beat the heat
"Hello there, kitten wittens. Come on in," I said, because sometimes Oskar waits for an invite before entering the bathroom.
There was no movement.
"Oh, kiddly bediddly. You can come in," I singsonged, patting the edge of the tub.
There was still no movement.
"So, you're just going to sit out there, hey sweetness? But I miss my widdle fuschnickens." I clapped my hands against my thighs.
There was no movement again, but he sometimes makes a point of half-ignoring me if he feels that he's been slighted somehow, which is often.
"Little kitter badoodles, you know you want some lovin'," I said. "Come to your mama. My yiddow baby cat knows he's got some coming."
And then I reached down to rub his head and entice him to come through the door...
only to find myself petting...
A BATHING SUIT HANGING ON THE DOORKNOB.
It was then that I realized I had just spent several straight minutes trying to sweet talk a bathing suit into coming into the bathroom for a cuddle.
Lessons learned:
- I am much blinder than I thought I was without my glasses.
- When a bathing suit turns eight years old and hangs lumpenly enough to resemble a cat, it's ripe for retirement.
- Nudity compounds the embarrassment of an embarrassing situation by no less than three times.
Reader Comments (16)
I think the bathing suit was touched.
Oh boy can I relate to this... I have spent many minutes trying to play poke the kitty with a pair of pajamas balled up under the covers... And singing cutesy wutesy songs to my tiny pusstopher rabbit pants while in the shower only to come out to find that I was singing to an empty room.
It's really nice to know that I am not the only one who talks to my pets like that. I rarely call them the same thing two days in a row.
Bwahahaha!! I think I have done this a few times. Very well written and so easy to believe it's a cat with that awesome pic!
I don't often get a belly laugh when I visit you, but this is great!
This is one of the many reasons I read your stuff.
That was hilarious! And it could happen to anyone.
I've been speaking to that bathing suit for the past couple of days. That thing seriously looks like Oskar when you're not paying attention.
You've inspired me! Since my husband is allergic to cats, I'm just going to start pretending my bathing suit is a pet.
Genius.
And much less kitty litter to deal with.
Heh.
I may have done this once or twice myself.
Worse yet, I may have mistaken my discarded black bathrobe laying on the floor in the hallway for my disabled son and tried to cajole him into coming to visit mommy while she was in the tub.
My children walked past and laughed their arses off.
I'm feeling your pain.
DYING.
That is fucking hilarious.
That is fantastic.
:)
Truly.
Can you send me a link to the research data showing the nudity/embarrassment compound factors? I need it for a stats analysis project ;)
Fuschnickens sounds like a snack food to be found in German biergartens. If it isn't, it should be! To wit:
Hans: "Dieter, wie sind die fuschnickens?"
Dieter: "Die fuschnickens sind sehr gut!"
Hilarious and fantastic and genius.
This needs to be nominated for some sort of award.
How about "the post that makes it impossible for you to not read _everything_ this writer publishes"? Because it's just done that for me.
Thank you for the big smile. I can hear my inner self laughing, too.
AND you're Canadian!! Just left a comment on your poetry post at Blogher. Am now reading your blog. Excellent.
PS we're Canadian too. Not that that should make a difference, but, ya know...
When my first son was just a few months old, he was asleep in the cosleeper next to our bed. My wife tells me that she asked me to hand him to her, but I was still asleep. According to her, I picked up a pillow, held it lovingly in my arms, gently patted its back, handed it to her, and laid back down. I remember none of this.