tumblr page counter

Why Are Young Men These Days So Bent On Stinking Up The Joint?

I have a bone to pick with Axe, because Axe has turned goaty smelling teenage boys and twenty-somethings into potent chemical clouds. I don't know how they convinced so many boys that their brand of chemical stink was the way to go, but they did, and it is no less than evil.

When I encounter one of these chemical clouds, I quickly turn my head, inhale a big gulp of fresher air, and try to subsist on that gulp until said boy has passed and his wake of reek has dissipated enough for me to breathe. Thanks for wearing a really common and known allergen in a public space so that you can kick random people in the head with it, jerk.

Ahem, anyway ♫, I was recently shopping in a drug store for deodorant, which just happened to be in the same aisle as the entire heinous series of Axe products, and there just so happened to be an Axe customer and his girlfriend also in that aisle. The girlfriend looked like she was trying to pretend that her boyfriend wasn't seriously looking through Axe products while I uttered prayers in hopes that he would not sample anything.

BOY: What one do you think I should get?

GIRL: I don't know. Whatever you usually get.

BOY: What one do you like, though?

GIRL: It's Axe, Noah.

BOY: Yeah, but I want to use the kind that you like the best.

GIRL: Noah. It's Axe.

BOY: What? Are you saying you don't like Axe?

GIRL: Well...

BOY: But everyone wears Axe.

GIRL: Yeah.

BOY: And you don't like it?

GIRL: Well...

BOY: Well?

GIRL: No one likes it.

BOY: You don't like it.

GIRL: No.

BOY: So, all my friends stink, then?

GIRL: [She bit her lower lip and shuffled her foot.]

BOY: Great. [He cleared his throat and put the vile Axe container back on the shelf.]

She looked like she wanted to get out of that drug store as fast as she could, and, really, who could blame her? She had just been cornered into confessing that she thought her boyfriend and all his friends smelled horrible, and he was looking none too thrilled about this revelation.

Me, though? I wanted to high five her. I wanted to thank her for potentially turning not just one but a number of men into ex-Axe victims. She may have bettered the lives of not only those young men but all who must come into contact with them, saving hundreds and thousands of people from their chemical stench. I wanted to give her a blue ribbon for Standing Up Against Axe Awesomely.

Instead of throwing her a parade and making her the queen of her own float, though, I just gave her a knowing little smile as I passed by her on my way out. She caught my smile and mouthed back "OH. MY. GOD.", punctuating it with an eye roll.

I hear you, lady. Let's only hope your boyfriend does, too. If he tells two friends, and they tell two friends, and they tell two friends, we might all just make it through this evil Axe-ian cultural phase with our sinuses intact.

56 Comments


Subscribe by RSS or
sign up to get new content in your inbox: