Here's To Love And Kicking Fear
Wednesday, February 10, 2010 I keep wanting to write here lately, but every time I crack open the laptop, my inspiration is gutted by fear.
There are so many things that I could not write about over the last couple of years, because I knew that my anonymity would not last forever. I knew that my love of blogging and design and writing in general would bring me to a point where I no longer wanted to conceal my legal name, and so I played it safe when it came to subject matter. I likely would have played it safe anyway out of respect for other individuals and their right to privacy, but my eventual loss of anonymity definitely played a role in what I have chose to write about online.
Recently, with my creation of the Canadian Weblog Awards and my new writing gig over at Life As A Human, I have dropped that anonymity, and, while it feels like a mouldy old coat that has outlived its usefulness, I feel like maybe I should have worn another layer of clothing under it, because right now I feel like my whole naked self is laid bare under a giant magnifying glass.
And so, the relative quiet here.
I say "relative", because I've still been posting, but there has been very little meat stuck in between strings of photos, a meme, lists, and other motley chaffe.
Over the last few years, after many years of hiding my true self away from everyone, especially from those closest to me, I have been making a slow trek into the land of living out loud. This trek began with blogging, because within it I found a space in which I could stretch my creative legs with other people who were also stretching their creative legs, and suddenly I wasn't cramming all the parts of myself up into the dark interior of my skull where no one could see them, least of all me.
Anonymity or not, I have been as honest as I know how here for the last six-and-a-half years running, but having my name from non-internet life attached to my internet life means living out LOUDER, and each step away from living up inside my head to living out loud in the world terrifies the ever-lovin' bejeezus out of this fraidy cat.
This fraidy cat's heart and soul, though, is fed by living out loud in the world.
So, here I am. I have to be.
Alice Bradley says that "[it’s] okay to write because you want to be loved", and Adam P. Knave tells me to "kick the motherfucker [fear] in the face so it remembers who’s in charge around here", and they're really smart people who get nominated for the Pushcart Prize and write novels and stuff, so I'm going to listen to them. I am going to love and be loved and kick stuff to the curb to make room for new stuff ad nauseum until I get this right, and then I'm going to go through that whole revolution again until I get it right again, and then again, because this being alive thing is terminal, and I don't want to waste any more time, loved or not, brilliant or not.
So, here I am, and I'm staying.
Reader Comments (29)
Do it! Be proud of it! And never be afraid to lean when you need to.
You will find it is much freer in the end to embrace your true identity instead of hiding behind Schmutzie.
The moment I became Tanis online was the moment I started writing more honestly, and more for myself.
I'm proud of you E.
But I'm still going to call you Schmutzie. Just cuz I love saying it so.
Elan is a beautiful name! I'm with Adam, be proud. You're a wonderful writer and you've brought a lot to me personally. Thank you for that.
Tanis, that's what I'm hoping.
As much as my real name is Elan, I actually prefer Schmutzie, and a number of my non-internet friends of long-standing call me Schmutzie, so I'm still going to go by my preferred moniker.
Schmutzie's staying, too.
I do think that when you write as yourself, facing demons and shameful bits and everyday despair on the internet (not that you have to) brings another layer of thoughtfulness to the shape of your storytelling.
It's not as simple as saying that you write differently when unveiled because you care about how people will perceive you. It's more than that. When you blog under your real name, you pause before publishing in a different way. I consider what I'm saying from as many angles as I can, and I either dispense with worry or adjust in a way that feels right.
This is my community teaching me with their presence. In trying to anticipate how they might react, they help me to tighten up all my ropes in terms of expression. By just being there, and by knowing who I am, they push me to earn their understanding. They push me to write with dignity and care about even the messiest of mess. And I think that's good and healthy. It presses the matter of self-awareness, and somehow, accountability.
It does, however, mean that you cannot write about your mother-in-law. Or your @#*&%&^#&^!!
Happy, though, that this doesn't retire the Schmutzie, as you'll always be. xo
I must be crazy. Once I stopped working as "Pulse" and went to, you know, APK, I started to care LESS about what I said. I found an utter freedom in being me and letting others adjust as needed.
(Not that anonymity inspires people to write without dignity. Unless they want to.)
It is nice to formally meet you Elan! (will always still think of you at Schmutzie = kick-ass-funny West Coaster!)
I am currently walking that line between anonymous and somewhat anonymous....but with each passing post, I head towards more honesty. One day I hope to one day write a similar post.
My experience was the same as Tanis' - when I stopped being only Zoeyjane, I felt like I was freed. I hope you feel the same...
Congrats on the new writing gig. I don't know how you fit all of your word weavings into one life, woman. You're excellently prolific.
I know exactly how you feel. For years I tried to write a blog the way I thought a personal diary-type blog was supposed to be written. It had gotten to the point that people were telling me I never revealed enough of myself, and that's when I realized I'm more "me" commenting about whatever's going on around me that digging deep within myself. Reveal as much as you want. If I've learned one thing in the few short years I've been doing this it's that there are no rules.
I gave up on blogging anonymously when my employer started listing my blog on their website with my name right next to it. The day I quietly put my real name on my "About" page was a little scary, but now I'm happy that I have my real self joined to my fictionalized one.
Some of my friends call me Celeste and some call me Jane or AJ. I'm happy to answer to any or all.
As Bossy always says, "It's not about the public's right to know, as much as Bossy's propensity to TELL. And then tell some more." You go girl.
I think about this more and more, about names in general, and writing veils of names and personas in specific. I think it's common for some blog aliases to develop or represent, intentionally or not, a persona that may or may not be congruent with the whole of the writer. I wish I could map this idea in my head about how that shifts. But anyway, I love your perspective, Schmutzie.
I noticed that in your first post about the new gig.
What a strong person you are. I agree with Tanis- I'll stick with Schmutzie. :)
I am proud and pleased to know you by any name.
Really.
Is it pronounced ELL-AN or EEE-LEN? Just curious. Bcus you'll always be Schmutzie to me. :D
Thank God you're staying because you're the best on the net.
BEST.
Barbara
Having you sell me a pair of shoes would be a wonderful addition to a visit to my far-away but still beloved home town. In the meantime I'm blessed to read your words.
Dory, some people pronounce it ell-AHN or ee-LAHN, but I prefer ell-ANN or ee-LANN. It is a unisex name. It has separate Hebrew, Welsh, and Native American origins.
Congratulations! We call that chutzpah in our home and say it with admiration and love. Laura
This is so great. I wish I was as brave as you are.
Congrats! It's a hard transition, I imagine, but I hope you will be able to stomp on the fear and keep trudging on. I wasn't much for anonymity even from the beginning, but I understand the fear of writing something and knowing that people will know. Good luck!
I've loved following you these last 2 years and I'd follow you no matter what your name was/is. I've loved being a part of watching you grow, change, and become stronger than you even know. I'm thrilled for all of your success!
Lately, my writing is affected by my kids getting older... they and their friends are online now and I don't want to embarrass them! So I don't know what to write, either!
It's cool to have two names!
Schmutzie,
Just came across this site.
So MUCH to love in "Here's to love..". I, too, am venturing out the dark interior of my brain. I think you just described a huge population of closet scribblers who are finding the courage to get out of their closets and put their stuff OUT THERE in the great big world.
I'm a professional writer by trade but have long wanted an outlet for my creative stuff. Finding the world of blogging is so liberating. No more waiting to be rejected by various serious/boring literary mags, licking my wounds and going back for more. (Not that I did tons of this, but the little I did wasn't a big barrel of laughs.)
Just made your site my home page. Looking forward to perusing lots of great writing that I might have otherwise missed.
Not writing this to plug my own blog, but if you feel like checking it out, it's www.accordingtotrish.com
Good for you. I struggle with bearing my soul too. You are an inspiration.
I can't do it. I practice in front of the mirror, trying to say my name out loud, and I can't.
I can't because of my kids and I can't because I need this side of me, and I need it to not touch the other one. Mr Lady is the peas shoved waaaaay far away from the mashed potatoes, so they can't accidentally get mixed up.
I am proud of you for being braver than me. I also request permission to just keep thinking of you as Schmutzie.
I like Schmutzie.
Well, I've only "known" you through your blogging for a little while, but I'll be bold enough to say confidently you are loved and you are brilliant. Please keep living and writing at a volume loud enough for many to hear.
Gasp. I love you! That post took my breath away. I'm so glad you're staying.