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Getting Older
Thursday, January 7, 2010 
I once read this quotation by the English naturalist John Ray: "They who are young when they are old, / must be old when they are young."
This quote did not make that much sense to me when I first read it sometime back in the early- to mid-1990s when I was throwing myself at a university education for which I had no passion, but I wanted very much for it to be true. I felt older than old inside since my first buds of self-awareness post-toddlerhood, and I could never make sense of other children and young adults who seemed so glowing with youth and élan. Something inside me was tired.
All signs of noticable aging throughout my life — growing taller, finding new patches body hair, premature greying — served to redouble my feeling of absolute agedness. I wondered what it felt like to be young.
What's strange now is that, just when my body is starting to show signs of middle-aged decline like the slow slouch of breasts and wrinkling around my eyes, I feel younger than I ever have.
I feel like a kid in a body much too old, and it seems to belong less and less to the spirit on which it's hung.
Reader Comments (10)
An increasing amount of my mental bandwidth is given over to the question of aging. Mid-life is like puberty, but with a bigger vocabulary.
lovely post. keep pondering aloud.
you sound just like Deron.
Me too.
I can't quite get my mind around aging. I sometimes think I have a peculiar detachment from my body where I can't fully see or feel my physical self. So I will always be startled by some mark of age and then entirely forget about it for a very long time. I didn't enjoy my young body either--I was even more detached from my body when I was young than I am now.
I do have one mental symptom--that teensy regret that my young years sucked so bad. But the upside is that I can't have nostalgia for my tormented youth.
i know how you feel. i feel younger and more capable and springier each day.
dorian gray?
Happy Birthday Schmutzie.
I hope each year brings you the joy of youth, and that now you might have the opportunity to enjoy it.
This year, as I rang in the New Year and turned 25, I absolutely became that quote. Suddenly I am getting older and discovering youth. It is a mixed blessing I suppose. So far, I am loving it.
i dig that quote, i think i can relate to your feeling old while you were a kid. i don't recall having anything carefree as i was always on alert from the weirdos that seemed to follow me.
having kids has helped me get back to some carefree roots, and to try and not take life too seriously even when seriously is renting space on my shoulder.
so you are a capricorn? happy birthday. you know they say caps' are adults as children. my son is a cap and he's wise beyond his 8 years.
On the one hand, I can't wait to age; women get better with age.
On the other hand, I'm scared shitless of growing older.
I am constantly amazed that I am 50. 5-0. That can't be. And if I look at myself in a mirror not too closely I can see my former self. What was that expression in the 90s? She's so Monet? Beautiful from far but far from beautiful. :-) I too feel much younger. Some days I feel about 12, others about 35. It's a good thing.
I can just never understand women who pine for their youth. What, you WANT to be stupid and daft and scared? The older I get, the more confident, and the more beautiful.