Man, Does My "Shlop" Ever Twist The Underwears
Tuesday, January 19, 2010 Dear Anonymous:
I sincerely apologize for subjecting your helpless eyes and mind to my April 2007 weblog entry "A Litany (Oh Gawd, the Hormones)", because it obviously upset you in light of recent world events:
...and I started my day by reading this shlop [sic] ..? More than 100,000 people have died in Haiti, children have had their legs amputated with hacksaws and across the ocean USA military personnel are risking their lives to preserve our way of life...
Admittedly, what I wrote was pretty schloppy, and if I am going to be writing such superficial and self-important crap almost TWO YEARS before a major catastrophe like what just happened in Haiti, I should take into account that the experience of my own life means nothing in the face of the fact that other things happen to other people at other points in history.
I should also take into account that this website's readers are inextricably focused on my vapid complaining for the duration of any particular entry, because my words are like super-powerful electromagnets, and that I somehow rob the reader and people in other circumstances much worse than mine of something or other and force the reader to spend precious extra minutes commenting on my schloppiness.
My bad.
I hope that your unremitting focus on this tragedy, minus the valuable time I so thoughtlessly stole from you while you were saving Haiti by surfing the internet, makes your tsk-tsking that much more satisfying.
In the future, I will make sure only to write about matters of great importance two years before these matters of great importance actually happen. Do you know the name of a good psychic with whom I could consult? It would be very helpful.
Appreciatively yours,
Schmutzie.
Reader Comments (18)
Thank you for your utter commitment to future seriousness at all times.
To quote Dr. Seuss: "Schlop, schlop beautiful schlop, beautiful schlop with a cherry on top."
That's such old hat, that 'people are suffering so shut up' thing. I have some Haitian friends here in the U.S. They too are going on with their lives and talking about other things, even trivialities. I used to visit a friend in Central America who had had her whole family killed for political reasons and she watched dumb TV shows like everyone else.
What matters is what you do. Talking serious shit all the time never saved a single life.
It can also be trivial to talk about horrors and other people's suffering. More important to do things.
Anonymous, you misspelled shlop. It's "schlop".
Wow tens of thousands of people died in Haiti and that guy's complaining about something he read. I love that in accusing you of being frivolous he was guilty of the same thing.
And I quite liked and could relate to that post
I'm psychic. Here is my offering: within the next 24 hours, anonymous will jerk off without a care for all the limbless children in the world.
The nerve.
I hope this person is going to actually donate something to help out Haiti instead of ranting about it on archived blog posts.
*grins* Ah how I love you dear Schmutzie
Brilliant! I love your schlop :)
brava!
"I hope that your unremitting focus on this tragedy, minus the valuable time I so thoughtlessly stole from you while you were saving Haiti by surfing the internet, makes your tsk-tsking that much more satisfying."
Bwaahahahahahaa! "Best burn I've heard in ages!" ~ Trevor
well played, dear schmutz, well played.
Well said. From someone who enjoys your "schlop".
Well then, I certainly hope you learned your lesson Ms Schmutzie. The nerve of not taking such things into account! I'm so grateful for fine folks like Anonymous who selflessly police the internet archives to protect the future-victims. Tsk tsk, indeed.
Awesome.
i suggest you simply co-opt all future tragedies and suffering as your own, and then parade around loftily judging others, lamenting "who will think of the children?!? and their legs?!?!"
seems to work well for a surprisingly large segment of society. many of whom probably couldn't have found Haiti - which i believe may have actually been suffering for, like, years - on a map ten days ago.
//thus endeth snotty pronouncement from moi.
sweetsalty kate said it, oh, yes. a schmuck jerking his schlop.
crikey.
yup. this is why we love you.
Point, game and match Schmutzie.
Stupid anonymous comments are almost worth it when they inspire hilarious posts like this.
Funny thing is I just popped on over here to tell you specifically that I really miss the schlop that you were posting on your linkblog.
I'm completely aware of the disaster in Haiti-- my inability to do anything about the situation (aside from donations) is giving me nightmares! (literally!)
Sometimes a girl needs a little schlop as a welcome distraction... Schlop away, Schmutzie! Schlop away!