Looking Up
Wednesday, August 26, 2009 Yesterday, I felt like reality ground my face into the mud.
It has been over two years since I had cervical cancer and the hysterectomy that got rid of it once and for all, and yet it was only just yesterday that I started doing a bit of research into the long-term effects of having one's uterus removed. I honestly didn't want to know before. I wanted that whole chapter to simply be closed and left behind, but when I read through list after list of symptoms, each list nearly identical to the other and each one pretty much describing me, I knew that it wasn't in the past. I felt reduced and exhausted and lost.
I have seen several doctors since my diagnosis — three general practitioners, three gynecologists, three therapists, and two psychiatrists — and not one person ever mentioned at any point that my estrogen and progesterone levels would change post-hysterectomy and that the change might have some lasting effects both physically and mentally. I feel like an idiot for not assuming that my hormone levels would change, but I truly had no idea that the uterus was responsible for hormone production at all. Because I still have my ovaries, I thought that my hysterectomy meant, at most, that I would be blissfully period-free and could expect menopause a couple of years earlier, which, coming from a family of women who go through it really late, seemed like a bonus.
I was so naïve.
The side effects that are on nearly every list I've read include (and I've put the ones that I presently experience in bold) anxiety, depression, mood swings, dizziness and nervousness, fatigue, hair loss, headaches, heart palpitations, insomnia, irritability, joint pain, low sex drive, painful sexual intercourse, memory lapses, unexplained weight gain, urinary incontinence, and vaginal dryness. Luckily, I am glad to have missed out on the insomnia, joint pain, sexual side effects, weight gain, urinary incontinence, and vaginal dryness, because that collection of symptoms just sounds so delightful, but the rest of them are no joy ride, either.
I am exhausted most of the time. When I am out in public and someone asks me how I am, my first thought is usually "I could really use a nap". In fact, I'm fighting my ever present urge to nap right now. I've been fighting it ever since I woke up. Pair that with the near-constant headache I've had since sometime last year, depression interspersed with paroxysms of fear, and an inability to remember people's names, what I did last week, and why it is I find myself standing in the living room with a lint brush and no pants — where are my freaking pants?! — and I feel like a winner.
A couple of days ago, a friend was telling me about her mother's experience with having had the same type of hysterectomy at the the same age as me, and things started to click into place. Okay, well, her mother is more of an angry and hateful bitch than I am — my irritability only pushes me to swear at the cats and break down when I can't find the onion dip — but otherwise she was talking about me, and I decided that I should research the topic.
For the last two years, I have been blaming myself for feeling lacklustre. My fatigue? An obvious sign of my lack of commitment to the tasks at hand. My depression and anxiety? A sign of ungratefulness. Being that I don't have cancer anymore, I should be full of vim and vigor! Issues with short term memory? Lack of due attention with a side of ineptitude. In short, and quite without realizing it was happening, I came to believe that my all-too-common strings of terrible, no good, very bad days were the result of me being a terrible, no good, very bad person.
When I started to figure out last night that I may not be as sucktastic as I have come to believe, I was overwhelmed with grief, which I poured in snot, tears, and mascara all over the Palinode's t-shirt. I might not be an ungrateful and depressed bitch. I might just be kind of broken with a higher risk of cardiovascular disease, arthritis, and osteoporosis. The news was both saddening and freeing: saddening, because this is my body now, lump or leave it, and freeing, because it means that I can do something about it.
At 36, this makes me feel prematurely old, but there are things I can do to combat my possibly low hormone levels and the effect that they are having on my health and well-being. I am going to make an appointment to have my hormone levels checked out, and if they are lower than I'd like them to be, then I am not the uncommitted, ungrateful bitch I feared I was. If it turns out that my hormone levels aren't off, though, then I guess I've got some personality issues to deal with.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I really do have to go find some pants and locate the onion dip. These chips won't dip themselves.
Reader Comments (33)
Ah, honey, I'm so sorry to hear about this. I've struggled with the same stuff (without the hysterectomy) because of early onset perimenopause.
I'd recommend to you the book The Wisdom of Menopause, by Dr. Christianne Northrup, which has been a godsend to me. After I read it, I immediately started taking Vitex (a natural supplement very popular in Europe) and using bio-identical progesterone cream for 3 days a month (all I seem to need), and my life has changed so, so much. For the better.
I thought I was losing my mind, because I just turned 40 and for the previous 7 years had a Mirena IUD. It caused me a ton of problems so I had it yanked, and after that, I slipped into perimenopause. After my regular gyne and primary doc didn't have good solutions, I turned to acupuncture and naturopathy, and this book.
I know I felt immense relief having a name--and a game plan--for what ailed me. Good luck on your journey back to health!
I've heard good things about progesterone cream and natural hormone sources. That's what I'll be leaning toward if this is what I think it is.
Aw, Schmutzie! I'm sad with you but I am happy that the information and a plan seems to bring such relief, too. Take care and as always, thanks for sharing with us!
You don't know how grateful I am that you shared this. I could have written every word, except that I didn't have a hysterectomy (I had an ablation, literally - KILLING the inside of my uterus and now and am seriously upset that I let the Dr. do it, I'd rather bleed) and I haven't seen that many Dr's. My annual is coming up soon and I'm insisting on a hormone level test. If this good for nothing uterus is not producing the way it should at my age (also 36) than maybe I can do something about it and not feel so crappy all the time!
I hope we both find the answers and solutions we need, friend. :)
I'm struggling with some of the same issues but my uterus remains (despite all of its efforts to the contrary) in my body. My new gyno has been tasked with figuring out what the eff is wrong with me. My hormone levels have been deemed within 'normal range' but my doctor says that my normal isn't necessarily the normal normal. (Preach, sister!)
Anyway, I want to thank you for writing about this, lady. And I'm holding you in my thoughts for a speedy return to your normal.
Much love to you, darlin'. I had a similar kind of epiphane figuring out I have a wicked case of PMDD. It was really helpful to realize there was a physiological reason for my crazy. I hope when I find an effing TREATMENT that works, it'll be even better.
Let us know what you find out. 'Cause we loves our Schmutzie much:)
Dear
Schmutzie...
I'm so sorry you are feeling low and that you must deal with so many physical things. I have no sound advice for you but offer a hug and know that this will pass and you will be well!
Not. sucktastic. at all.
Incredibly cool, instead.
So glad you've found some answers! And I appreciate the food for thought--my ovaries pump out way too many hormones (wish I could share)--and I'd love to have them out, but maybe my GYN is right to counsel me to wait.
Or maybe it's time for a different kind of crazy. I don't know...but I'm thinking more about both sides of the equation for now.
Grace and peace to you!
It's good news overall, I think...knowing that there may be some answers out there for you is a hopeful thing. I'm so glad to hear you've taken a small step forward...hope it all goes well with your doctor.
I can't believed no one took the time to tell you what the potential side effects of a hysterectomy would be! I'm so sorry that you've been beating yourself up over something that's probably been out of your control. I hope you get some answers quick, and they help you feel better.
Due to your Grace In Small Things, I do not see you AT ALL as an ungrateful bitch. Not even a little bit. I don't even like writing it because I don't think it describes you in the least. (Not that I've met you in real life, but the way I've "met" you through your writing does not come anywhere close to those two words.)
I'm glad that you're going to get checked out, because those symptoms SUCK. I have them, yet I still have my uterus. But, depression IS a bitch - as is anxiety. I HATE THEM.
I hope that your doctor(s) can figure something out for you.
*hugs*
I can relate a bit to what you are feeling. I have premature ovarian failure which essentially means the old ovaries are dried up prunes. I was depressed and a mess and my mom finally said, um, maybe the fact that your hormones are out of whack (which had been proven by blood tests) is what is causing this. Turns out she was right, as mothers often are. I am not on hormone replacement therapy or the pill because at my age (35) I need higher levels of hormones than HRT provides.
It has helped immensly. I hope you can find something that helps you because I know what you mean, the headaches, the unexplained hopelessness, the fatigue. It's no picnic.
Oops, that should read I am on hormone replacement therapy or the pill....
Schmutzie, I wish you the best with this struggle. I agree with other commenters that your writing shows, well, a lot of grace, through good and bad times. Reading your blog is uplifting; I hope that you discover something uplifting regarding these symptoms.
Isn't that great when you finally realize that you're feeling crappy for a reason? I hope everything goes well for you and I'll send all the extra positive vibes I can spare!
Well, I guess understanding the cause is the first step towards arriving at a solution. I'm so sorry you've had to go through all this though. I hope you can get some type of hormone supplement to make you feel better.
I am so glad you are getting checked out, there is just no reason to suffer any more than you already have
Answers are good! Here's to the Dr. getting to the bottom of all of this! *clink*
I too have heard wonderful things about "The Wisdom of Menopause", and I seriously need to pick up a copy.
I hope your journey through this will be a good one, dear heart.
ErinH
It sounds like there are a lot of us going through those symptoms. At 51, I expected to be at least in the middle of menopause. I have all the symptoms, (and I especially hate the insomnia) but still get the monthly reminder of my womanhood. I wanted to take the sucker out(I have cysts and heavy duty cramping and pain) but the gyn said no, it still serves a purpose. Who knew? I always thought the ovaries are the important ones.
I hope you find some answers you can live with.
Thank you for posting this, Schmutzie. My sister-in-law just told me that she will be going through this procedure in a few weeks, and I'm worried for her.
Please be gentle with yourself, no matter what the diagnosis.
I love you, Schmutzie, and I'm so glad I found you. Not only do I love your writing, your crazy-fun way that you look at the world (your world), but more than once what you've written has wholly, totally, completely resonated with me and my life... this entry definitely did that. Although I am experiencing menopause, I can check off pretty much the same list of symptoms as you. Just today on my way to work, I was wondering why my life sucks... and where did "I" go? I used to be fun. I used to like myself. I have kicked myself about the same things you have -- faulting myself for something that is, in all likelihood, a nasty hormonal imbalance. So before I lose all of my friends and my self-respect, you've given me the courage to do some research on my own. Thank you for that. I'm glad I don't have to go it alone -- I have my Schmutzie who is brave enough to share with me. Thank you for sharing and for giving me the courage to take my health into my own hands.
LeeLee, this makes me so happy! I wrote this entry because I knew that there must be others like me, and I was right. Apparently, the hormone test is a simple saliva test. Good luck!
SO happy for you at figuring it out!
Great work figuring it out, Schmutzie. Hormones are powerful stuff. My fingers are crossed for the turn you're taking in dealing with this. Go Schmutzie!
I know of a wonderful pharmacy that specializes in bioidentical hormon replacement. I've worked with them, and they are FANTASTIC. Go to https://www.bellevuerx.com/bionatural.aspx if you're interested. They are in St. Louis, but they work with people all over the country. I can't recommend them highly enough!!
Email me at suzyvoices at live dot com if you want details of the process I went through.
Good luck!
Well, we are the same age and 4 years ago I had a hysterectomy and kepy my ovaries. I have been ignoring these same side effects, I think you might have encouraged me to get my hormone levels checked out.
You are, quite possibly one of the least ungrateful peeps on the internets. I hope you find answers to the questions and that you start feeling better soon.
xo xo
I hope your hormone levels are off to the point where you can have no doubt in your lovely personality.
In the interest of your lovely personality, I hope your hormones are an absolute dog's breakfast. A diagnoseable, combatable one.
I've been going through some of the same things from regular menopause (with HRT) for too many years. Good news is, knowledge is power! Now you can make some proactive choices. It saddens me that you have blamed yourself for so long.
Kick some hormonal butt, woman!
i was having most of those symptoms you listed about a year ago give or take. they did the saliva testing and all of my hormone levels were really low.
the benefits were not immediate for me, it took many months of rubbing the progesterone and DHEA creams on my person wondering if it would really work. after many months i began to have improvements.
hopefully this will be something that's easily remedied for you.
I loved reading this, it turns out I am not alone as I am going through the same things.. the worst part is I work in customer care and my temper just flares up for nothing on certain days! My partner has been really patient with me and I feel so awful after an outburst! I get my crying days, I dont feel like going out, I get very sad for no reason at all and its bugging me! My uterus was removed just a year ago after I was admitted in pain. I had multiple fibroids at the age of 44. I am not taking anything but I sure am going to speak to my Doctor to see what he can suggest.
physical therapy and sports medicine schools [url=http://tools.cisco.com/search/JSP/search-results.get?strQueryText=www.dapoxetinerx.com%20-%20online%20store%20to%20%27Buy%20Priligy%20Sweden%27#903] buy priligy sweden 30mg 60mg generic [/url] douglas jackson m d sports medicine
medicine to bring when traveling [url=http://tools.cisco.com/search/JSP/search-results.get?strQueryText=www.dapoxetinerx.com%20-%20online%20store%20to%20%27Buy%20Priligy%20UK%27#499] buy priligy uk 30mg 60mg premature ejaculation [/url] otc medicine
chinese medicine lemph nodes [url=http://tools.cisco.com/search/JSP/search-results.get?strQueryText=www.dapoxetinerx.com%20-%20online%20store%20to%20%27Buy%20Priligy%20USA%27#832] buy usa priligy pills fda [/url] nuclear medicine scope of practice
online pharmacies cheap [url=http://tools.cisco.com/search/JSP/search-results.get?strQueryText=www.dapoxetinerx.com%20-%20online%20store%20to%20%27Can%20i%20buy%20Dapoxetine%27#297] can i buy dapoxetine [/url] fields in veternary medicine
cherokee medicine woman [url=http://tools.cisco.com/search/JSP/search-results.get?strQueryText=www.dapoxetinerx.com%20-%20online%20store%20to%20%27Cheap%20Dapoxetine%27#509] cheap buy dapoxetine online [/url] john baranuk medicine
cvs pharmacy online application [url=http://tools.cisco.com/search/JSP/search-results.get?strQueryText=www.dapoxetinerx.com%20-%20online%20store%20to%20%27Cheap%20Priligy%27#702] cheap priligy pills [/url] yellow medicine county minnesota
night pharmacy [url=http://tools.cisco.com/search/JSP/search-results.get?strQueryText=www.dapoxetinerx.com%20-%20online%20store%20to%20%27Comprar%20Dapoxetina%27#979] dapoxetina comprar prilogy [/url] heartworm medicine alternatives
cholesterol medicine [url=http://tools.cisco.com/search/JSP/search-results.get?strQueryText=www.dapoxetinerx.com%20-%20online%20store%20to%20%27Comprar%20Priligy%27#627] comprar priligy disfuncion [/url] book 30 medicine bags suzanne mcneil
pharmacy abbrevations [url=http://tools.cisco.com/search/JSP/search-results.get?strQueryText=www.dapoxetinerx.com%20-%20online%20store%20to%20%27Dapoxetin%27#421] link [/url] st louis of pharmacy veronica patel
canadian healthcare pharmacy review [url=http://tools.cisco.com/search/JSP/search-results.get?strQueryText=www.dapoxetinerx.com%20-%20online%20store%20to%20%27Dapoxetina%27#692] dapoxetina eiaculazione precoce nel [/url] no prescription needed pharmacy
bay pharmacy saint petersburg president chinese medicine australia
walmart pharmacy lawsuits lesson ideas for george's marvelous medicine
medicine hat catholic school walgreens pharmacy couponm
churchville family medicine regis in medicine hat
stodal homeopathic medicine medicines in water
radiology and nuclear medicine clinic pharmacy phd theses book
oxford university and medicine american college of acupuncture oriental medicine
west hoxton pharmacy redelius drugstore rockford il
medicine bottle prices nuclear medicine machine
on duty drugstore mp3 pfizer pharm company
oriental medicine sun city [url=http://tools.cisco.com/search/JSP/search-results.get?strQueryText=www.dapoxetinerx.com%20-%20online%20store%20to%20%27Dapoxetina%20compra%27#435] link [/url] advantages and of socialized medicine
rebound physical therapy and sports medicine [url=http://tools.cisco.com/search/JSP/search-results.get?strQueryText=www.dapoxetinerx.com%20-%20online%20store%20to%20%27Dapoxetina%20en%20Mexico%27#498] dapoxetina en mexico donde [/url] ecker drugstore
ancient achievements for medicine [url=http://tools.cisco.com/search/JSP/search-results.get?strQueryText=www.dapoxetinerx.com%20-%20online%20store%20to%20%27Dapoxetina%20Mexico%27#845] dapoxetina en mexico donde [/url] 10 blood pressure medicine
my free medicine [url=http://tools.cisco.com/search/JSP/search-results.get?strQueryText=www.dapoxetinerx.com%20-%20online%20store%20to%20%27Dapoxetina%20no%20Brasil%27#952] link [/url] costco pharmacy tacoma wa
maalox tablets medicine [url=http://tools.cisco.com/search/JSP/search-results.get?strQueryText=www.dapoxetinerx.com%20-%20online%20store%20to%20%27Dapoxetina%20Priligy%27#910] dapoxetina priligy [/url] medicine hat lodging
zolpidem on-line pharmacy [url=http://tools.cisco.com/search/JSP/search-results.get?strQueryText=www.dapoxetinerx.com%20-%20online%20store%20to%20%27Dapoxetine%27#463] buy dapoxetine hydrochloride [/url] colleges universities pharmacy schools in usa
sports medicine hannibal mo [url=http://tools.cisco.com/search/JSP/search-results.get?strQueryText=www.dapoxetinerx.com%20-%20online%20store%20to%20%27Dapoxetine%2060mg%27#579] sildenafil citrate dapoxetine 60mg [/url] article on philosophy of medicine
flight medicine success [url=http://tools.cisco.com/search/JSP/search-results.get?strQueryText=www.dapoxetinerx.com%20-%20online%20store%20to%20%27Dapoxetine%20alternative%27#140] alternative dapoxetine order [/url] latin pharmacy abbreviations 0
college of medicine university of iowa [url=http://tools.cisco.com/search/JSP/search-results.get?strQueryText=www.dapoxetinerx.com%20-%20online%20store%20to%20%27Dapoxetine%20Approval%27#049] dapoxetine approval [/url] reactions to blood pressure medicine
martial arts and medicine [url=http://tools.cisco.com/search/JSP/search-results.get?strQueryText=www.dapoxetinerx.com%20-%20online%20store%20to%20%27Dapoxetine%20approved%27#373] approved priligy dapoxetine [/url] online pharmacy tramadol 24 hours
orthopedic medicine conferences lil drugstore products
pharmacy drug literature evaluation medicines like zyrtec zyrtec
new medicine for fiberomyalgia best medicine for jock itch
kirk calvert florida pharmacy plea medicine cabinets toronto
palliative care medicine longevity medicine for chronic fatigue syndrome
colorado schools of veterinary medicine flea medicine of dogs
mo board of pharmacy pharmacy college of new mexico
old crow medicine my space free books in sports medicine
medicine and heartburn cvs pharmacy 33326
ipos pharmacies unipos ipos volunteers in medicine bloomington indiana