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My Mouth Will Never Be Clean Again
Friday, August 14, 2009 The Palinode brought home two bags of salted pistachios, because he is a very good person who knows how to please his salt-loving wife.
Once I get going with those nuts, I lose all sense of portion control. I basically work my way from one end of the bag to the other, methodically eating each one in a precise fashion. I usually throw the entire nut and shell into my mouth, suck every last molecule of salt off the shell, crack open and remove the shell with my teeth, spit it out, suck off what remaining salt might still be on the pistachio, and then, only if all possibility of further salt finds has been removed, I finally eat the pistachio.
That this process ensures that my tongue becomes painfully shredded is the one thing that keeps me from consuming an entire bag.
So, I was working my way through this bag of pistachios, deeply involved in the process, when my tongue came across something that just didn't feel right. Hmmm. I felt around a little more, thinking that it must just be an extra crispy bit of that skin that covers the nut. Hmmm. That wasn't it.
I spit the whole mess out into my hand to see what it was and recoiled from the repulsive sight before me.
A portion of the nut was not a nut at all but a MAGGOT. That's right. I had just been feeling up a LARVAL INSECT with my TONGUE.
I reflexively threw the offending evil onto my desk and ran from the room.
"What's going on?" the Palinode asked.
"I was... the... in my mouth... LARVAL INSECT," I panted from the doorway.
"What about maggots?"
"IN MY MOUTH... WITH THE TONGUE... OHGOD."
"You had a maggot in your mouth?"
"Yes... the pistachio!"
"That's really disgusting."
Somehow, even the fact that I had just had a maggot in my mouth did not stop him from trying to dominate Lego Star Wars with Lord Palpatine.
I went back to the office, loathe to pick up the pistachio that had so offended me but knowing that I had to get rid of it one or another. I looked to where I had thrown it down, and it wasn't there. I checked the rest of the desk. It wasn't there, either. I imagined the maggot dragging its precious pistachio through our apartment. I knew we would have to move.
Then, thankfully, I spied it. Onion was eating the nut, maggot and all, like it was the most delicious, illicit find of his life. He looked up at me, smacking his tongue in his mouth and hoping for more.
"Good cat," I said, "But now I can never let you lick me again."
And then it hit me. I have to somehow come to terms with the fact that my mouth will never be clean again. IT HAS BEEN BEFOULED BY MAGGOT FLESH. Hold me.
Reader Comments (17)
Something tells me that after reading that, the half a bag of pistachios I have in my cupboard will be sitting there untouched until I can shake that maggot image from my mind.
I'm sitting at my desk at work, laughing hysterically.
Dear God you're friggin' funny!!!
Damn! And I LIKED nuts.
Damn. There goes my plan to track you down at the next BlogHer so that I can tongue kiss you.
UNCLEAN! UNCLEAN!
'Tis better to eat a maggot than to have it eat you.
Yikes! I just bought a big bag of pistachios for weekend munching. I'm a little nervous now.
hilarious! saw the blurb you wrote on fb the other day but this definitely fills in the gaps with the laughs. love the new masthead, btw.
i can't stop shuddering.
Last week I ate a dog treat when I thought I was easting a cheezit. It took hours to recover from and that was just a dog biscuit. Poor you and mouth. Expensive chocolate and other gourmet treats are the best palette cleansers. Get yourself to a gourmet store, stat!
That's why I HAVE to open them before sticking them in my mouth. One too many rotten ones were ingested, and now I inspect before I consume.
I am gagging!! And scratching myself...
Last week devi (9 yr old granddaughter)found an earwig in her half eaten plum ... in the piece in her mouth ... moving.
Spit. Stomp. over.
Then she finished the plum. Her 8 year old brother will no longer eat plums.
I just called my daughter to relate your story and she was gagging when I finished.
Thank you darlin'.
I'm am so evil ;)
thank you, for today you have helped me with my diet.
*barf*
GAK!!!! I love kitties.
Yewwww! I'm with seven- open 'em up first. But after something like that your mind can't let go of the idea of it for quite. some.time.
honestly, that makes me never want to eat again.
mind you, the beetle i had to scoop up and fling with my yogurt spoon the other day wasn't much better.
where is my sterile food?!?! oh bugger.
this happened to me with a hazelnut! somehow, inside the apparently unbreached shell, inside the CAVITY OF THE NUT ITSELF, was curled the wee embodiment of revulsion itself. i, too, felt the horror of a mouth befouled. and avoided hazelnuts for about 10 years. so sorry it also happened to you.