My Defense For People Watching Their Mouths
Sunday, June 7, 2009 I have been thinking more than usual lately about the power in language. I don't mean in any deeper, more mystical sense, although I do lean toward giving that end of word power some creedence, but in a more social sense. The words we share with others can have effects ranging from positive and constructive to negative and destructive.
Others have covered this topic well, such as Tanis at Attack of the Redneck Mommy in her piece "Dear Internet: I’m Placing You on Notice", and it is something I've given thought to ever since I began writing when I was seven years old and kids in the playground were using words such as retard, fag, and pussy in place of the truly verboten words ass, shit, and fuck, but something about what Ta-Nehisi Coates wrote at the Atlantic in "More Thoughts On Being PC" made me remember more clearly why I was so aware of the power of language at such an early age:
When I was kid in Baltimore, it was common for me to refer to the corner store as the "chink store." It was common for me to use the word "faggy" to dis one of my friends. I don't really have much of a defense of any of that. In my neighborhood, it was just how my peers talked, and I accepted it without any questions.
Words like fag and pussy made us kids feel powerful for the simple reason that they were not condoned by our adult overlords. I doubt that many, if any, of us really grasped what they meant when fights broke at recess in the fifth grade, but the power in them was palpable. Faces were punched and coats were torn over them. I accepted our casual, misguided use of these words, because this was how everyone talked. The behaviour seemed normalized, and I revelled in the thrill of tossing one out into conversation now and again.
Retard, though, did not sit well with me at all. My older brother was born with several physical and mental handicaps, which made his difference highly visible. The label was personal to me, and the meaning all too clear when a group of young ball players spat it out while laughing and banging on the car windows in a parking lot one afternoon where my brother and I waited for my parents. My brother was seen by them as laughable, little more than a de-humanized example of a homogenous subset, and the hatred behind their laughter terrified me. I sobbed and felt a terrible tug in my chest that I would later recognize as the first signs of a broken heart.
And with that deep personalization of a hateful slur, the real power in language became painfully clear to me. Where it once made me uncomfortable, it now made me sad and angry. These words applied to real things, to real individuals. These words applied to human beings, whole groups of people, that I knew were not deserving of such broad, sweeping derision, and as I grew older, I began to understand how even more of these words related to me. I possessed a vagina and I was realizing my queerness, so along with retard, hearing fag and pussy used to mock and incite anger took their own little bites out of my heart. I was suddenly associated with every bad thing.
I have grown up since then, and those words no longer hold sway over my self-perception, but before I had the maturity and wisdom to see around them, to see that their use is more often thoughtless than pointed, they made the back of my neck burn with anxiety. I was not right. I was not good enough. I was things that no good person would want to be. That message was brought home to me countless times a week, usually overheard in playground conversations, jokes like the one my music teacher made in the form of a play on the word retard, and on television. I was Bad with a capital B.
This history and a deep sense of each person's humanity is why I no longer waffle about the importance of so-called "political correctness". Again, Ta-Nehisi Coates says it best:
As awkward as it may be, it at least demonstrates an attempt to see the world through another lense. This is a daunting task, and failing at it is so much more honorable than not even trying.
To continue to use slurs against entire classes of people is either to admit to believing in the hatred behind your words or to admit to an ignorance that you willingly continue. Even in private company where others might not be around to overhear you, such use of language still carries the power to perpetuate hatred. It lends to the us-and-them mob mentality that has lead to so many good things like riots, lynchings, and forced sterilization programs. So, I watch my mouth whether in public or in private. There's no reason to keep that hate-ball rolling.
Slurs, no matter how casually expressed, are passwords to clubs of which I do not want to be a member. Why would you?
Reader Comments (37)
I have never admired you more.
You succinctly and much more eloquently articulated what I was trying to say in my own post.
Thank you for writing this.
Thank you for thinking this.
Just thank you.
You, lady, are ever so welcome, and thank you.
Beautifully done. An issue I was struggling with just this afternoon. How do we speak out against sweeping generalizations, how to use language to build bridges between individuals or groups of people rather than setting the bridges alight or pullig up our personal drawbridge.
It is an admirable thing to not only speak up for what is right & true, but also to recognize the ways in which we all even unintentionally, give momentum to the ball of hate.
Thank you.
yep, it matters so much.
even closing in on 40, when i get really really mad the slurs normalized in childhood are still what pop first to my mouth.
where i swallow them 95% of the time. b/c i know better, b/c i respect people more than that, b/c what i'm angry at is not the people the words disrespect but my own powerlessness, almost every time. but still, sometimes i fail. b/c this is how i learned to use language.
what i hope is that my kids don't learn this, don't ever have those words normalized for them.
great post.
I still find those words coming to mind and have to stop myself from using them, because they were so commonplace for so long in my life. Is it still so common to hear those words in schoolyards? Anyone?
I couldn't agree with you more. I remember being young and reading how the word "retarded" hurts people who are not the same as everyone else. At that point I stopped using it. Once I had a child with autism, it became that much more personal. A friend of mine who used to use the word all the time now doesn't. And she's teaching her brother and sister, who also carelessly use the word, how it can be a hurtful word.
These careless pejoratives you write about are so hurtful. And people use them without even thinking about it. Hopefully posts like this can help them realize what they really mean. This is a great post. Thank you for writing it.
I find myself using the R-word sometimes. And honestly, until this year, it never really hit me how hateful it is. I'm so grateful for women like you and Tanis bringing this issue up. Putting it in front of me. Because eventually I'll train myself not to let it roll off my tongue when I'm struggling for a silly swear word. And I will raise my boys to keep it out of their vocabulary, no matter what they hear on the school yard.
Stimey, often, all people need is an explanation, and they realize why they should stop. It's a matter of not noticing what is all around us simply because it's so pervasive. Thanks for being an example!
Mommy Melee, I find the R-word coming out of my mouth, too, sometimes and end up blurring into "re-uh-er-unnecessary" or some such thing. Old habits die hard.
After Tanis' post, and through my work, I came across these neat little business cards created by a local agency that supports adults with developmental disabilities. There are two at my desk.
http://davehingsburger.blogspot.com/2008/08/words-hit-like-fist.html
What I should do is get a bunch more and bring them to BlogHer...
So perfect, and so necessary.
Since I have a daughter with Down Syndrome I have been re-sensitized about pejorative words. A blogger who is excellent at making these points is Goldfish, (here is a great example: http://blobolobolob.blogspot.com/2009/05/gender-presentation-disability.html). Thank you for a beautifully expressed point!
When I was working in Human Resources in 1986-ish, we were re-writing our employee handbook.
Specifically the part that talked about the benefits available for certain disabilities.
When editing the section that talked about mental disabilities, I objected to the term "retarded". I was summarily shouted down. "That's the accepted terminology.", I was told.
Even at the fairly young-ish age of 22, I had a real problem with that, but not the backbone to stand up for my beliefs.
Thank you Schmutzie.
wherewiller, those are great cards.
sweetsalty kate, thank you.
starrlife, thanks for pointing out Goldfish's post. It did so well what I've had a hard time articulating about gender presentation.
Ree, I'm not surprised that you came up against the "accepted terminology" argument. I have, too. Who said that we had to hand the keys to human decency over to medical textbooks?
I think this post was exceptionally well written, and you have given me something to think about.
Thanks for writing it.
I suspect I know what may have inspired this post. I'm still not entirely convinced that context is irrelevant. If it weren't, I wonder if we'd ever be able to laugh at ourselves. But certainly I appreciate the contexts you address.
Working from Home Today, I say that it's wrong no matter the context, because I cannot think of a way that it has positive benefit. Even if one the targeted groups are not present, it further cements the abuse of them through language, thought, and deed. Also, I'm not sure how targeting certain groups of individuals helps us to "laugh at ourselves". I definitely think that that kind of language is completely unnecessary when it comes to having a sense of humour about ourselves.
Word.
Heh.
Words matter but also ideas matter. I think the difference between a use of a slur in one context and in another is the idea behind them. Words used to express certain ideas are actually a kind of violence. You express that amazingly well.
There's just a little bit of complexity here I think because sometimes one word can express ideas about others' inferiority and other times, we really don't mean it that way--as you point out. But I think even then we don't want to be associated with those ideas...even if we are using the word in a way we don't intend to express the idea.
Maybe I'm just thinking of my friend who is gay saying he had a fag attack after bringing us a pie he baked.
Of course, I laughed. It was funny. Partly because the word is so awful.
I've been called an ethnic slur and it's weird but that was so much less bad than someone just outright expressing the idea that the group they associated me with is inferior without any slurs. Even though the slur was pretty awful too. Combined, it is devastating.
Your last comment about cementing the abuse is so right on.
This makes me realize that one word I really have to get out of my vocabulary is 'idiot.' I say this a lot when I am driving. I taught my kid not to say 'stupid' when referring to people. and obviously, I'm not being consistent. For some reason, saying HONEY PLEASE! really loud is working as a great substitute lately.
This post has really made me think about my own use of language in many contexts--not just in the context of oppression but also in the context of cruelty or dehumanizing others more generally.
Can I still say 'fuck' though?
Fuck is always fine. Well, except when in company that might die when they hear it, like your grandparents. That one's all context-ready.
You gotta love some language.
As you said, Fuck is almost always appropriate, but then, are some of the other PC words also appropriate at times?
What I got from this was "MINDFULLNESS IN SPEAKING" To stop the thought to mouth so many of us have. To pause for reflection about commonly used terms.
@ozma, i dont say idiot so much as the term "Brain dead" Recently I forgot to disengage mouth when i called someone else brain dead in front of a someone whose son is in a permanent vegetative state. (Think Terry Schiavo.) Ouch.
So, I told myself, "Watch your mouth young lady."
Thank you, Schmutzie. Spot on.
Here's what I had to say about this a little while ago:
http://tinyurl.com/clnjyz
Great post... could not agree more. Words can cut and cleave a person in a way nothing else can - having a hateful word reverberate in your head for weeks can eat at the essence of your worth. How does one arm ones children against this kind of acid? I am yet to learn...
:-)
BB
Ok let me get this straight. We can still say pussy as long as we are actually talking about a vagina or cat RIGHT?
I joke I joke.
I get the importance of your blog. I really do. I dont see the word retarded (by itself) as a bad word. I see what we humans have done with the word over time as unfortunate and it has now totally changed the meaning. It should no longer be used or even thought of as a description for someone with disabilities. It is now only an insult to bring someone down or a meaningless and thoughtless passing phrase. But this will happen with whatever word or phrase we use throughout time. Its just a sad fact of human nature.
I mean how can you take a strong and lovely thing like a cat or a vagina (PUSSY) and make this word now mean wimpy or weak. Its just not rational and should be treated as such.
isarose, thanks for bringing it around to overall mindfulness, but don't I ever stick my foot in it sometimes.
Rene, good post.
Bush Babe, I wish I knew how to arm children against this sort of thing. Does anyone have any ideas?
Hope N minded, I should have clarified that I meant the use of pussy when applied as an insult to someone. I've got three cats and me in my apartment, so it's pussies galore! Joking aside, though, language is always evolving, so meanings will always be changing. Like isarose said, I think mindfulness is key.
Thank you for making me rething my stance on political correctness. I have long hated the overly politically correct society that we live in, I guess though when put in the context of your post I can see where it is necessary.
I was brought up in a family where it was never okay to use the words 'fag' 'retard' or any other hurtful label. My mother was the driving force behind this rule, and I thank her for making me into the person I am today. My siblings and I see no color, handicaps, or sexual orientations as defining characteristics of anyone.
That said, I have referred to myself as brain damamged when frustrated and it is something that I hate. I am going to make a concentrated effort to not do this again.
Thank you for the enlightenment. It is much appreciated.
Very well said. Thank you for writing this. I'll be sharing it with others!
What an excellent post, Shmutzie. You said it all so eloquently. I too have a great appreciation for the power of words, and while I might use the occasional curse word even in front of my children.. there are just some words that are not fit for throwing about so lightly.
Thank you for saying this, especially in a time when slurs are so in fashion. ;)
Thank you so much for the reminder. I am guility of using the R word on occasion, but ever since Tanis' post, and now yours, I know that I must remove this word from my vocabulary. It hurts others, and makes me look ignorant and hateful in the process.
I think the key point is that when you use an insult like this, you're insulting two sets of people: 1. the person you're directly insulting -- and that part might be aimed at yourself, or a dear friend who doesn't take offense, or not; and 2. the referenced group (women, autistic, gays, whoever) -- you're calling their condition/state/nature/self inferior. And chances are, at least one of them would be hurt by your assertion. So (as you are ably pointing out), regardless of how sure of the reception from group 1, you should be sensitive to group 2.
Also as insidious, I think, are clever phrases that get around using offensive words but are still insulting, like talking about "wearing their helmet" (with that special lisp) or my slo-pitch team mates deriding each other with: "put on your skirt."
My aunt taught special needs kids for 30 years. She is the first one to step forward in defense of the special needs kids in her 'mainstream' school. When she tells stories about her students, it's the way we tell stories about our own children ("we" being parents, not the royal 'we'). When a student on the schoolyard made fun of the "retards", as he called them, my aunt didn't stop him. She waited until he was in a group of his friends, and she said "so, you get to make fun of that kid because you're smarter than him, right?"
And the jerk smiled and said "yeah."
And my aunt said, "it's pretty easy to make fun of retards, isn't it?"
And he got a little nervous, and said, "Um. Yes?"
And she said, "Are you smarter than me?"
And he said, "Uh. No?"
And she said, "So I can call you a retard and make fun of you in front of your friends? Great!"
Every day for the next week, my aunt made a point of talking down to that kid the way he had with her students. Eventually, he ended up helping out in the special needs class, and went on to be a very nice young man...
There's one thing, though, about slurs. Sometimes, if you take control of them, if you take, as they say in self-help books, "ownership" of them, they lose their derogatory nature.
Words like Queer and Nigger and Indian were once derogatory slurs. And I'm sure there are folks who argue that they still are, in some cases. But the point I'm making is that sometimes, it doesn't matter what the actual words are. You can be just as hateful using nice words.
I'm not sure this theory works with words like "retard" and "sped" and pick-your-derogatory-epithet. But I think it *does* work with things like "fag" and "pussy" and "motherfucker".
Anyway. Too many people use words without really knowing what they mean, and the effect they have on other folks. Those who do know, and who use those words well and appropriately, are the better for it, I think.
The whole reclaiming thing ... I dunno. If you're not insulting someone in group 1 (from my previous comment), then maybe you're not really insulting group 2, either. Grey area, but probably not the wisest use of your powerful words.
Can we agree that insulting people by whatever means is NOT NICE, and says more about you (you're insecure, you feel you're losing an argument and are running out of ideas, you're not in tune with your world)? Choosing to insult someone and at the same time insulting millions of other people who are or aren't present is worse.
Can we legislate against this kind of behavior? Probably not. Can we convince people who do it that it's not okay? Maybe. Can we convince them it makes them look bad? Like cenobyte's aunt's experience: probably, since they likely already suspect it and are actually looking for ways to fix it.
Great post, Schmutzie. I'm glad you wrote it.
I totally 100% agree with everything you are saying.
I would also like to point out how often the word "crazy", "bipolar", and "mental" is thrown around and the stigma attached to that, and how offensive it is to people who actually carry the mental illness.
A whole 'nother post, I am sure, but I cannot believe how ignorant people are with those words too.
Terra Incognita, what you mentioned is indeed a part of my thinking in this post, but it is a part that a lot of people don't even recognize. As someone with psych issues, I could definitely cover this territory in the future.
Schmutzie, I'm picturing that I'm writing a script, and my character is someone who would use such words. I'd have to write that character honestly. In the way that I thought Counting Sheep's landlord is probably exactly the type who thinks people come in categories of "gay" and "retarded". I could picture him perfectly. I must defend creative license in this case. Does this still make me willfully ignorant or hateful, or just accurate in my portrayal?
Working From Home Today, I was coming from the perspective of everyday interaction, so I didn't catch what you meant earlier about context and using that language to look at ourselves. Film and television are quite aside from our daily social interactions, and they can offer us the ability to look back in on ourselves from a remove, so I absolutely agree with you there that those words can be used within certain contexts serve a purpose without necessarily disseminating more hate.
A friend of mine is working on a documentary about the stigma of mental illness. Part of the process is collecting merchandise that misrepresents it/makes a joke of it--so so very much of it out there.
Insults can be very hurtful. When I was in middle/high school the worst things you could call someone or use to describe something that sucked were all homosexual slurs. Though I didn't use those terms, they were so prevalent that being bi didn't register for me until I was in college.
Even now, many years later, lesbian, dyke, faggot, fag all still have some of that old stigma attached to them for me. Reclaiming those words as one's own is an answer to that.
I think ultimately that the answer to riding out any words of derision is to have a great sense of self-worth. The more you know yourself, are confident and proud of who you are, the less any words by any person will affect you.
It doesn't mean you don't stand up for yourself, it just makes it easier to not take it personally. And not being bothered by an insult meant to be hurtful and make you feel less than in some way--that's priceless.
Belatedly saying WORD to this post as well. People on Law and Order are often "Manic Depressive" or bipolar and OFF OF THERE meds, they wont take them, those crazy crazy people. No homicide convictions yet. *crosses fingers*