Monday
Jun292009
In Which Technology Is A Big, Fat Jerk That Is Really Asking For A Punch In The Throat
Monday, June 29, 2009 Yesterday:
- I thought I lost my camera at the lake and launched a frantic search.
- It was found on the floor, but someone had kicked it so hard that the memory card had popped out. Thankfully, both the memory card and the camera were unharmed.
- When we got home, I set up my iBook so that I could upload the pictures from my camera.
- I somehow managed, against the laws of physics and all that is good, to pull a glass of water through the air parallel to the floor from a few feet away and dump it onto my iBook.
- The iBook screen lost its horizontal hold, and then the body of the thing made some slurpy noise. I cried.
- I turned it upside down and felt water run out of its side. I cried.
- I tried to use the Palinode's netbook. It froze up in some limbo state between powering down and restarting. I cried.
- I tried to use a really tiny netbook we've had sitting in a cupboard, because surely one piece of equipment would work. It refused to recognize my camera. Then, it froze. I cried.
Today:
- I started writing my piece for MamaPop about that jerk Bernie Madoff on my tiny netbook. My computer froze halfway through, and I lost half my article.
- I rewrote what I lost, the computer froze at the precise moment my article was due to be pubished, I lost half my article again, and I cried.
- I tried to call the Palinode to help me with my frozen netbook, but my cellphone was dead.
- I went to the Palinode's office to use his computer so that I could send an e-mail explanation to my overlords at MamaPop, but our internet cut out. I pulled on my hair with my fists.
- When the internet cut back in, I restarted my netbook, wrote the last half of the article for the THIRD TIME. I chewed through the skin on my lip.
- I tried to publish my article. The internet cut out. I got up, paced the apartment with my hands in my hair, and yelled "I CAN'T FUCKING BELIEVE THIS SHIT, MOTHERFUCK."
- The internet cut back in. I published my piece on MamaPop. I took double the suggested dose of ibuprofen and snuck a cigarette in the living room.
- I hated myself for sneaking a cigarette indoors. I hated Bernie Madoff more than I thought was reasonable. I told my cat, Onion, that snuggles were for suckers.
- I decided to try feeling hopeful. I powered up my iBoook. It gurgled in this very distant-sounding and depressing way. The screen looked like bleeding watercolours in shades of grey. I cried.
- I turned the iBook on its side in front of a fan. I sniffled.
- I watched Dr. Phil. I hated his guests. I hated him more. I felt a little better.
- I ate more cheese than is probably healthy.
Right now:
- I tried to publish this entry. My netbook powered down with no notice for NO APPARENT REASON. I gritted my teeth.
- I am unreasonably paranoid that I have pissed off some lesser god in charge of electronics. I'm developing a fear of the fan I have aimed at my iBook.
- I wish we had some alcohol in the house.
- Would you believe that my mouse just stopped working at the end of that last point?
- Because IT DID.
IN THE LAST 31 HOURS, A CAMERA, TWO LAPTOPS, TWO NETBOOKS, A CELLPHONE, AND A MOUSE HAVE THWARTED MY ATTEMPTS TO COMMUNICATE. I AM NOW AN IRRITABLE PARANOIAC. AWESOME.
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UPDATE: If you read through the comments, you will find out that MY WEBLOG'S RSS FEED BROKE FOR THIS ENTRY. This string of technological badness is so ridiculous, that it's funny now. Oh, except for that part where my iBook is still completely and quite alarmingly borked. I'm letting that baby dry out for a week before I lose hope, though.
You know, my laptop died last year before BlogHer, too. Hmmm.
UPDATE, THE SECOND: And now I hear that the left side of this entry runs off the screen. I've tried to fix it. Is it fixed? I'm waiting for the letters to start falling off this netbook's tiny keyboard any minute. If I go stroke myself with magnets or eat pennies, will all this technology start working for me again?
Reader Comments (26)
It sounds like you've had a bit of a day.
Did I ever. I thought about stepping away from it all, but then I decided it was best to complain to the whole internet :)
I've had days where everything technological I touch turns to shit.
This, however, is...a little extreme.
It too shall pass.
You know who's to blame for this tech storm, right?
Madoff.
Jerk.
whenever someone in my office has that kind of trouble, i blame it on the steel plates imbedded in their head.
PS Sorry...no fun.
Laski, I think you're on to something. Madoff is going to be my go-to guy when stuff turns to crap this week.
It looks like whatever you are touching technology realted either breaks down, fells down or doesn't work properly.
You will be beyond entertained to learn that I originally got this message when trying to find your feed
"There was an internal error retrieving this feed. The FeedBurner support team has been notified.
Error 500"
given your day, it made me fucking laugh
flutter, THAT is too much. Oy.
Um, I think it may be awhile before we see the next Grace in Small Things entry.
Doesn't this make you miss the days when the most complicated technological device around was a calculator? Although I have not experienced an electronic massacre quite like yours I wanted to share a story with you.
During one of my paper writing marathons as a freshman in university, my hands got away from me in a flurry of typing and I knocked an open bottle of pop into my laptop. I immediately flipped the computer upside down to try and dump the liquid out. So there I was, holding an upside down laptop at 3am, thinking ‘well, what the fuck do I do now?’ With one hand precariously holding the laptop, I grabbed a disk and popped it into the computer. With my head tilted to the side, I managed to save the paper I had been working on and eject the disk, all without dropping the very sticky, and still upside down, laptop. After a few minutes of silence, I slowly turned the computer upright. Nothing bad happened. I set the computer down and stared at it. It seemed fine. I decided to turn it off. Still ok. And then I tried to turn it back on. Dear god, the sound that came out of that machine was the most horrendous sound I have ever heard.
The next morning I left the following message for my dad. “Uh, hi, it’s me. I…um…the computer had a bit of an accident. It was late so I had a bottle of Pepsi… I’m going to need you to call me back."
My screen is too small all of a sudden. The left side of your post is missing letters. I'm not kidding.
I killed a laptop myself once. Juiced it. Plugged the cord (that was already in the wall) into a broken USB slot. That fucker popped and the smell was awful.
My medication kept me from crying. Actually, I felt more stoned than anything.
Anyway. Impossible to turn on.
My husband tried to figure out what needed replacing and I SWEAR TO GOD as soon as he took the casing of the thing apart, it FLICKERED TO LIFE!
It was really Frankensteinish.
IT LIVES!
I'm with JChevais--the left side of that post only in borked.
Baby, maybe your chi is on overdrive or something like that? This kind of stuff happens to me in spurts. In one particularly bad weekend a wrist watch broke itself from the inside and the glass sprung itself off and hit a co-worker's face and my carborator caught on fire. I'm an ENFP Aquarian born in the Year of the Dragon, so that's my excuse for that.
Okay, I think I've fixed the left margin issue. Yes?
Sweet jeebus, this had better stop happening!
It's still weird for me.
Sending positive technology thoughts your way...I think I'd just go get in a fetal position in the corner.
Not fixed for me either. The bullet points (Right?) are cut off.
Sorry technology is beating you down today.
Oh my goodness. I am SO sorry!! It's hard to believe THAT many things happened all in that time frame, yikes. (I believe it, it just sucks THAT MUCH.)
ps. I was told you live in Regina. I live there (here) too. And now I sound like a stalker.
Mrs. Wilson, hello fellow Reginan!
OK. I can see the bullets now, however, I noticed that your second sidebar is very wide. Though that could be because my work computer has a habit of disallowing certain images on this computer and that sometimes screws around with website formatting.
Um. Yeah.
I'd blame the Mercury retrograde, which is notorious for fucking with your tech equipment. However, Mercury is NOT in retrograde, so I think you're just fucked. Unfortunately.
May your day (and week) get much better. Hey, maybe you're about to win a brand new computer?!!
Arrgh! How incredibly frustrating! I feel your pain. (ow!) If it were me, I would not have any hair left, nor voice left (from screaming in frustration). I wonder if we burnt a disk in offering to appease the electronic gods? But no, that would just give off toxic fumes. I'm sorry you had such a suck-ass day(s). :(
*laughs in empathy till she cries*
Oh, cr*p, lynn, is Mercury retrograde right now? Because that would explain a great deal.
That was probably one of the best posts I've ever read.
Just a nice little list. OOps, did i just say nice? I meant a malevolent little list. Sounds like you had some Gremlins.
Maybe it is in my mind, but when I find Gremlins like these, I tend to shout.
OUT OUT OUT OUT OUT really loud. Then look around menacingly like I might actually see something. You could try it....? Let me know how it goes.
Dirty Mouth Mama, I think I'll have shout OUT OUT OUT a whole heck of a lot, because my iBook is still borked :( Damnable gremlins.