Top Ten Things Every Woman Should Know To Tell If They've Got Their Vagina On Wrong
Sunday, December 27, 2009 I have a burr under my saddle today, and it is in the shape of articles whose titles contain the phrase "every woman should", such as:
You there, with the vagina. Read this list of funny people on Twitter.
Unless the list is about vaginas or breasts in particular, I don't see why a list has to be specifically directed at people with vaginas and/or breasts.
I feel the same way about "every man should" lists, for that matter.
Hey, you with the penis! Check out this list about non-penis-related gadgets you can plug into your USB ports!
That's just weird.
My vagina makes me think @shitmydadsays is funny about as much as some guy's penis makes him like some of the top ten most popular kinds of beer. I happen to like beer more than I like @shitmydadsays, but then maybe I've got my vagina on wrong.
I know, I'll write a list called "Top Ten Things Every Woman Should Know To Tell If They've Got Their Vagina On Wrong".
Top Ten Things Every Woman Should Know To Tell If They've Got Their Vagina On Wrong (If I Am Understanding What The "Every Woman Should" Lists Are Telling Me)
- They don't automatically gravitate toward the colour pink like it's in tune with their soul.
- Their relationship with food does not have to be constantly evaluated and reevaluated.
- They don't need to be coddled with statements like "be your own best friend" as though they are a child who has not yet learned to self-soothe.
- They already know how to enjoy sex, whether it be alone or with others.
- They own a set of tools, and they even know how to use them.
- The constant education and re-education about vibrators on the internet strikes them as a pretty lame way to try to make money off a sense of liberation brought on by titillation. It's an orgasm people, not rocket science, and it definitely won't set you free.
- They don't spend tons of money grooming their nethers.
- They don't necessarily squeal to show that they like things.
- They don't believe that matching bra and panty sets will reignite a cold marriage bed.
- Talking about how oafish/stupid men are does not strike them as humorous as much as it does bigoted.
Reader Comments (39)
Tell it like it is sista! :)
Right? My vagina has exceptionally eclectic taste.
In fact most of the vaginas I adore have eclectic tastes! Here's to the limitlessness of vaginas!
(Though if a vagina just so happens to be all about pink, I'll adore that too.)
Well said!
So now I understand my problem with much of MSM and "women-oriented" marketing..
I've go my vagina on wrong.
But it feels just right the way it is.
I love this. You are such an awesome writer, Schmutzie!
LOVE this! I am so freaking tired of popular culture reinforcing the male/female dichotomy. Makes think violent thoughts...which, I think, means my vagina's on all wrong.
Oh, so that's what it is!
Ha! Not only is my vagina on wrong, but I think my ears are unlevel too. I'm a vision of oddities and imperfections!
Perfectly said. Although it is nice sometimes when the woman's bra and panties match. I try to wear the same color socks, so it is only fair when the woman puts some effort into it too.
my vagina must be on backwards.
Me too.
Someone once asked me to write about "What I Love About Being A Woman" and i sat there stumped and scowling for days. Finally answered that I think dicks are cool and I'd be just as happy with one of those as I am to have tits.
It's just a dumb question, isn't it? Like, "What I Love Most About Being Human". Well. It's kind of cool to get a free toaster with the purchase of a major appliance. Ducks don't get that. Neither do cheetahs. But cheetahs get to rip throats open with their teeth and call it instinct. And supper. Cheetah win.
Those poor, poor people who have it on right.
I think I'm happy with mine all askew.
:D my vagina agrees and still has not decided on a favorite sex position (# 25 in the 30 things list). my vagina is fickle that way. oh and neil, i think you should match your socks to your underwear.
The talking about how stupid men are is what makes me insane. I mean, some people are assholes, penises/vaginas aside. Don't waste time with assholes. How difficult is that to understand, you know?
I've been married 12 years, and I've cooked maybe 10 meals in that time. Everyone knows I don't cook. And yet, when one of my kids got a cookbook for Christmas last week, my aunt must have said 100 times about things in the book, "I'm sure your mom has that in her kitchen." WTF? I wanted to be like, "Have you MET me?!"
1. Please put this on Five Star Friday
2. You are a genius
3. And no, I don't have spontaneous orgasms from shopping, whether for shoes or anything else
4. You could write for "Target: Women."
Yep, mine's broken. Totally, totally broken.
Well, shit. Where do I turn in my vagina card? *sigh*
Excellent post, lady: totally nominating for Five-Star Friday. ;)
My vagina loves this. Must be on wrong, or at the very least, too tight.
Damn, I want to be badass but I can't use tools. I guess I own them. I can use a screwdriver and a hammer.
Just to be contrary, I don't even want to regularly think of myself as someone with a vagina but rather as a mind without much interest in the type of meat sack that contains it.
I think sweetsalty said this better, actually. Although I've never gotten a free appliance and would really prefer to be an elephant, if I were in a very high- security ecological zone somewhere.
Male or female elephant--makes no difference.
god, mine has been on wrong or upside down or sideways for almost thirty years.... well played, la shmutz, well played.
i am glad my vagina is not alone... and it seems wrong can be the new right.
YES yes, I totally agree, well said.
killing me softly, Schmutzie. or cracking me up softly.
well-played. and fully agreed. i actually experienced cognitive dissonance a couple of years ago when i discovered that many adult women LOVE pink. i thought we'd all taken some kinda pinkie swear back in 1983 and the pink swath of merchandise was only marketing.
I love the concept of having your vagina on wrong. I wear mine on the back of my head. "I can seeee you! I have a vagina in the back of my head."
Most excellent post. Bravo!
This. Rocks. (my vagina)
And this is why I love you.
I've had my vagina on wrong for the last 35 years. No wonder my back hurt.
Too funny! As an engineer, I think it was required for me to somehow put my vagina on wrong to graduate. Two babies somehow found their way out anyways, though, so I think I'll be OK. ;)
Bravo. This has to be added to Five Star.
Excellent writing.
RobinM
OMG I knew I was missing something. Long time no visit. Hilarious post - oh and I am totally a screamer/jump up and down when I see something that excites me.
Ah, Ms. Schmutzie. I love you and your rogue vagina.
Does my crooked vagina make my ass look fat? It does? Okay. I'm good with that.
ha haha ha HA!
Made. Of. Awesome!
Hooray for women!
Well, it's never FELT uncomfortable, but this explains a lot. Bravo.
I have absolutely no interest in sports, maybe I have my penis on wrong.
One time I wanted to order a baseball cap for a particular baseball team from the store. I wanted the team's standard logo. When it arrived, the logo was not the standard red color. It was pink. I was angry. I am too much of a fan of this particular team to want anything but the regular logo -- and I especially hate pink!!
But now I realize it's because my vagina is on wrong. Thank you, Schmutzie.