One Of My Most Embarrassing Moments Involved Accidental Public Nudity
Monday, November 30, 2009 My year in the third grade was a stressful one. My family had moved to a new city, and I took to showing up mid-sleepwalk at the foot of my parents' bed, brown toy suitcase clutched to my chest, insisting that I was running away to my real home. I tended to feel awkward around other kids, and so I was having a hard time finding my place in the new school. For months, a classmate stole anything nice I kept in my desk. I found math difficult and pretended to lose my textbook so much that I nearly failed. One girl told me that I made the periods too big at the ends of my sentences and that our teacher probably thought I was stupid because of it. Bitch.
All of this added up to me being a bit distracted a lot of the time. I really did lose my textbooks a lot. I forgot to go when a friend asked me to come over after school. I was late for everything. I lost anything that wasn't stapled to my hands. I had idiot strings on my mittens threaded through my coat sleeves.
I started having dreams in which I showed up at school naked. These dreams didn't just bother me at night. They dogged me all day, too. I felt this weird shame every time a classmate from one of my naked dreams spoke to me. I felt exposed and out of control, and I was sure that they somehow knew what was happening.
One day after recess, my friend Brad and I were talking while we took off our coats and boots. He was down on one knee tying his shoe, and I was standing in front of him blabbing on about something or other, probably some story I was reading, when I noticed how quiet the room had become. I looked down at Brad, and he was staring up at me like he couldn't believe what he was seeing. His mouth was hanging open.
I looked down at myself and saw that I was completely naked from the waist up. There were my little kid nipples all pink and staring back at him. In the midst of my usual distraction, I had gone too far when taking off my coat and had also removed my shirt.
I felt the floor come up to meet my feet as I nearly fainted from the shock of my own public nudity. In my panic, I grabbed my coat and put it on over my naked torso. I knew that I couldn't sit through class in my coat all afternoon, but I wasn't going to take it off again in front of Brad, so I fled the room, ran home to put on a different shirt, and told anyone who asked that I had spilled something on my other one.
Later during math, I asked Brad if that had really happened. He nodded that it had. He then proceeded to develop a crush on me that would last throughout our remaining five years of elementary school, which was almost as embarrassing as baring my naked chest at him, because he made it a habit to ask people to smell his finger.
It was all put into perspective for me, though, when this became only one of three or four separate occasions on which I took my shirt off in public while distracted. It's a great way to make friends and influence people.
Want to know what's even worse than that? The last time it happened, I was 33 years old.
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This post was written in response to a writing challenge from {W}rite-of-Passage, a "...group of writers seeking a challenge, getting critique, and finding community."
Reader Comments (21)
LOL 33! I have a few more years yet to reach that age, but I've still taken my shirt off in public fewer times than you (not counting swimming). I used to be terribly shy about my hairy torso, now I accept it a lot better than most people in North America do. And I think having felt a touch of the self consciousness that women must feel about their torsos in North America, fully support a woman's right to go topless anywhere it's currently acceptable for a man to do the same.
I love this - you captured your inner child so well!
And I laughed probably more than I should, but that was the point, right?
That is absolutely mortifying, but accidentally removing your shirt that many times is kind of a talent in and of itself.
This simultaneously made me laugh and cringe - at your stories and my own memories. Fifth grade. Boating with family friends (all boys). Took off the life jacket after tubing and only noticed a minute later that my swimsuit top was yanked up and my tiny developing boob was popping out. Horrifying.
Excellently written, Schmutzie! I particularly liked the background you provided on how much stress you were under and the way you focused on Brad's finger smelling... ultimately making him the true 'dork', while you were just the girl trying to make it through another day (been there... done that.. clothed, mind you). Well done!
I like the tagline you added before Mr. Linky... do you mind if I use that?
Last Girl Standing, thanks! And feel free to use my preamble to the links.
I actually had my mouth hanging open when he looked up. OMG. SHMUTZIE.
This is awesome.
this was awesome-and it reminded me of a few years back when I kept having nightmares about leaving for photo shoots without my pants.
Oh, my friend. That is so awesomely cringe-inspiring. Exposing one's kids nipples....Gah! Worst nightmare ever. Well 'cept I peed my pants in 5th grade because I couldn't unbutton my brown corduroy pants. I panicked and finally sat on the toilet and peed through those thick damn pants. Then, too proud to admit it, padded my underwear with paper towels and spent the next hour before school let out very, very uncomfortable. My three kids have been lucky to escape our misery. Maybe it's part of being a child of the Charlie Brown era, eh? Thanks for sharing. :) Loovved this post!
Oh my lord it's a nightmare brought to life. And I can't stop chuckling about it.
LOL! That was a funny story... now. I went through a few similar ones, though I can't say my last one was at the tender age of 33!!!! :-)
http://lfwaterloo.blogspot.com/2009/08/embarrassing-moments-02.html" rel="nofollow">Here's the story I submitted for today. You will see there's a resemblance... :-)
I want to hear about the other stories, pretty please, especially the most recent one!
That is hysterical. 33 huh?
I have yet to find myself in a public nudity situation, BUT I once was so nervous that while talking I lifted my full drink up to my lips, and then instead of taking a sip, continued talking while pouring the ENTIRE thing in my lap.
Turns out nerves, a drink, and talking do not mix.
Great post. Your descriptions really brought me into the moment, but you kept the story moving at a great pace.
I bow to your storytelling goddess-ness.
I used to have that dream ALL THE TIME. Although, I don't think I was ever ACTUALLY naked in public. That I can remember. At least nowhere where other people could see me.
ACK!
This was so evocative. Felt like I was there.
Oh my! This had me snorting with laughter!!
I can just so relate to your little third-grade self in this story.
(new here -- found you via Mrs. Flinger's linky)
Very funny! It did occur to me that the naked chest of a 3rd grade girl was probably indistinguishable from the naked chest of a 3rd grade boy, but I'm sure that did nothing to reduce the embarrassment factor!
That was maybe my favorite story ever. Thank you for this, Schmutzie.
LOL, this was a hysterical post!
Oh goodness!
Great storytelling, cringe-inducing story.