Do you want to know what I'm panicking about today?
I AM GOING TO BE ON CBC RADIO THIS AFTERNOON.
Do you want to know what else I'm panicking about?
THEY ARE GOING TO USE MY REAL NAME.
I am going down to the CBC studios at 4:30 p.m. to be interviewed along with some other as yet unknown crazy person about our participation in National Novel Writing Month, aka NaNoWriMo, aka The Death of Me. I wasn't going to make a big deal out of my participation this year, because if I failed at writing a minimum of 1667 words a day and instead gave up in a cascade of red wine and verbal self-abuse, I could just not say anything about it and maybe no one else would notice. Now, though, I'm going to be on the radio, and maybe not just once but THREE TIMES so that they can track my progress throughout the month, and someone might notice if Schmutzie's dragging herself into the studio in the middle of a red wine bender with purple teeth.
And then there's that thing about my real name. I've been Schmutzie here, there, and everywhere internet for over six years, and for certain reasons over that time — work, family, and an appropriate sense of personal shame — I have been careful to keep my real name out of things. This anonymity has cost me television, radio, and newspaper appearances in the past, but that's the loss I've been willing to suffer to save my mother the pain of knowing how foul-mouthed her daughter can be. One telephone call from CBC Radio this morning, though, and I was suddenly willing to throw 74 months, one week, and one day of anonymity out the window.
Sometimes, it just feels right to toss all your cards into the air, you know?
Also, have I mentioned my deathly fear of speaking in public? Okay, well it's not deathly. I got up on stage at BlogHer '08 as part of the Community Keynote and spoke in front of hundreds of people and lived to write about it. I also used to debate in grade eight, and I won every time. So, neither is my fear deathly and nor am I bad at talking in front of people. Still, that doesn't stop me from FREAKING THE HELL OUT, though.
After a brief exchange with a couple of my more experienced blogging betters, I have come up with a game plan to deal with this radio situation: I am going to One) panic, Two) give short answers, and Three) drink two shots of tequila immediately following the program. I have a tendency to shake for hours after experiences like this, and, being short a Xanax prescription, it will have to be tequila to keep me from looking convulsive.
Oh, did you think I was going to type my name down here today? That's not going to happen. My going public is more like a slow teacup ride for toddlers than it is a bungee jump. I will leave making myself internet searchable for another day.
As for listening to the radio show, go to the CBC Radio website and click on "Regina" in the sidebar between 4:30 and possibly sometime after 5:00 p.m Saskatchewan time. I'll be the one with the alto voice leaving unnecessarily long pauses while I concentrate on not saying "uhm".
Are all my cards in the air? Check.
Is there tequila money in my pocket? Check.
Do I have a face for radio? I don't know. We'll see after I bathe.
All systems go.