The Palinode Flushed The Last Of My Best Abusive Friend Ever Down The Toilet
Thursday, October 22, 2009 I know that I promised to answer the music-related questions from Sunday, but I am putting off this questions series for a day to tell you some late breaking news:
I did not smoke yesterday.
Those of you who have never been smokers and haven't had the pleasure of quitting smoking are probably wondering why this is such a big deal a month-and-a-half later. Staying quit isn't a big deal every moment of every day now like it was in the beginning, but sometimes I crave it like love. There have been times in my life when I was terribly lonely, and all I wanted was to be held. That's kind of what it is like for me to crave cigarettes at this point.
Yesterday, I was switching the things from the lighter bag I have been carrying since the beginning of summer to a heavier leather satchel. In the front pocket of the satchel, I found a few things that I had forgotten: my favourite tube of chapstick that I thought I'd lost, a really nice pen, and an old package with two cigarettes still inside it.
Because I was alone at home, it took my addict's brain about two seconds to formulate a plot to start smoking again on the sly. I realized that I could sneak out to the alley, smoke a cigarette, and when I met up with my smoking friends for a drink, they wouldn't be able to smell it on me; then, by the time I arrived back home and saw the Palinode, the smell would have dissipated enough to smell like second-hand smoke from my friends. I held the open package in front of me, taking in the smell, not caring that they were old and dry. To me, they looked like an oasis after days without water.
"Ah!" I yelled out loud and threw them down on the bed. I seriously felt emotionally glued to those two cigarettes. I grabbed my coat and bag and left the apartment building as quickly as I could. The ferocity of my attachment alarmed me. The depth of my addiction was finally being teased out and made palpable.
When I came home later, the package of cigarettes was still sitting on the bed. I picked them up and carried them over to where the Palinode was sitting in the office.
"Look at this. I found two cigarettes in my old satchel."
"Those must be really dry and old," he said.
"Yep."
"They would taste terrible, you know."
"Yep."
"Why don't you go throw them out?"
"I can't," I said.
And I couldn't. I stood there in the office, unable to physically destroy those last two cigarettes. I felt glued in place as in a dream. The Palinode, having been through this himself nine years ago, understood and took them from me to dispose of them.
Later, I asked, "What did you do with them?" I kept remembering what the filtered ends felt like under my fingertips.
"I tore them apart and flushed them down the toilet."
"Oh."
That depressed the hell out of me. I realized that I had been thinking about them like I would think about baby kittens. I loved them. I felt unreasonably sad for them.
I did not smoke them, though.
I went out and got tipsy on two pints of beer, and then I pretty much snorted some stale nachos with fake cheese goo from 7-Eleven, and then I cried a little, because smoking was the best abusive friend I ever had.
But, I did not smoke them.
To every one of you who has battled addiction, regardless the stage of your battle or present surrender, I salute you. This is HARD, and any positive step taken in the journey through it deserves to be honoured.
Reader Comments (33)
Yay you.
Did I say I flushed them down the toilet? I smoked them.
Bastard.
i was going to write a wry little nod to those very baby kittens/abusive friends, whom i occasionally this past summer allowed to lure me out of a long quitdom (see? i was going to say hiatus, but that's the smoker talking. shut up there, smokey), but then the Palinode made me snort and now i'm done.
except to say good on you. good on you.
I'm at one month, one week myself. I know exactly what you are saying. The only way I've been able to completely deal so far is by saying "I am a smoker on a break, and if I feel like it, I can start back up after my break," because the concept of being a non-smoker, permanently, is almost unbearable.
And you did not smoke them. Rock on Schmutzie!
and Palinode, you're comment = brilliant!
Wow. That's so amazing.
All my relapses have been caused by available cigarettes that I have found. Well, OK, not all. But honestly, someone went to Cuba and bought me this quaint pack of cigarettes. Hello? They sat around my house for about...a year...and then I smoked them.
This is BIG. I nevernevernever can do that. It's like the thrift thing. Basically, this deadly substance? It could come in handy.
YAY! Good.
GOOD FOR YOU, SCHMUTZIE!!!
So very, very well done.
I totally agree, and I honor your effort (and your achievement)! Yay you indeed.
I am 15 months in to quitting. I can't begin to describe how much smoking was my favourite thing.
It does get better. I do go for long, long stretches of time not even thinking about it. There are even far more times when the smoke from other people's cigs is repulsive rather than alluring. Smokers now have that stale smell to me. (Not good.)
It is incredibly difficult to overcome an addiction. It is not even close to impossible though.
Discoveries: smoking can be used to tamp down feelings, thoughts and so forth which I actually don't want tamped down.
Food is not a satisfying replacement and I'm now trying to teach myself that.
Quitting young has a side benefit. I am in my early 50s and I have these ugly, awful lines all over my mouth from sucking on a cigarette. It's superficial, but trust me, you'll be glad you didn't make those lines when you are older.
WOOT!
BRAVO you. i am a smoker, i KNOW how hard it is.
i quit when got pregnant and started back up after breast feeding. i thought maybe my dad's lung cancer would push me into quitting but it didn't.
Not a smoker, but I salute you.
I salute how you can make even a non-smoker realise how hard it is to quit. It gives me perspective. My mother is a hardcore smoker and I cannot understand why she hasn't decided to quit after her sister died of lung cancer. Her incredible grief and the continued courting of the cause of death seem almost unbelievable to me.
Thank you.
Great job there Schmutzie!
Again, I've never smoked and never had to quit an addiction. But I'm continually amazed by people who do. Go you!
JChevais, it's so good to know that my writing about it is helping to make it clear to non-smokers, too. I read somewhere once that heroin addicts have a better rate of recovery than smokers. I've had a few people write to me about how even their family member's death or a friend's death or even their own brush with cancer hasn't been enough to make them quit, and I know that so many people who love them have no idea why that it is.
You should be proud. I can't say that I have ever been there but I have seen others go through this. Perhaps you didn't have the strength to destroy them yourself but you still had a hand in it by giving them to palinode. For that, you should be very proud.
*breaking her pompoms back out*
That Palinode is a good friend, and you are doing a great job on the quitting.
Congratulations!!!!
I am in year 2 of quitting and still have days that I miss my old abusive friends. They're much, much fewer and farther between now, but I'm not sure what I would do if a found just a couple of old pals on a day when I was especially missing them.
You are strong and getting stronger by the day.
Wow. That is some AMAZING will power you've got there. GOOD FOR YOU!!! So proud.
I quit smoking in March. It was really difficult at first, almost as hard as getting over a bad relationship, but just the other day someone asked me if I was still an "ex" smoker. And I said yes. I had totally forgotten I had smoked. You will get there.
I'm another never-smoked non-smoker who now has a better understanding of smoking's power. Thanks for writing this. Moreover, yay you!
Sister - good for you. I know that felling. I'm still smoking a couple of packs a week, but I'm quitting all food that is bad for me and comes in large portions and I SO know exactly what you mean.
On a good day walking through the food court without stopping is like strolling through a block long cannonade with every soldier's rifle pointing at you while the grease/sugar/fat mongers entice you towards the dark side with aroma and sound - sizzle pop - mmmmmmmm.
Got weighed today. Lost 8 pounds in the last 12 days. Yay me too.
The smokes are on the list now too, but it'll have to wait until I regain some small semblance of my sanity.
I have been reading here almost daily for the last few years, but almost never comment, so, hello there.
I gave up smoking some years ago and remember that feeling - like cigarettes were this amazing friend that had been there in my toughest times and the lack of them was so emotional! It is insane the connection that is in smoking. Connection to what, exactly, I'm not sure, but something definitely feels very connected.
I still feel a little sad about losing those smokes sometimes and miss them, but then I'll see someone driving along with a cigarette hanging out the window and smoke blowing from their mouth and I'll remember what it was like to smoke even though you're sick, or it's hot outside and the cigarette doesn't even feel good and to always smell stale... and I'm glad I am not the one driving that car.
-Sara in Tulsa
It'll be two years this December and it does get easier because I can't even remember the last time I had a craving plus when I smell cigarette smoke now, it feels like it's difficult for me to breathe. Good for you!
I'm working from home today, and there is nothing I would like better than to walk down to the 7-11, buy a pack of Camel lights and chain smoke them. It's been over a year since I quit. I don't know how much longer I'll last.
I've never smoked but I feel exactly the same way about junk food. This post actually made me weepy. Yay you. I hope I find the intestinal fortitude to do the same very soon.
The way you feel about smoking is the way I feel about junk food.
Way to go, Schmutzie. It's hard, but you're doing it.
I salute *you*. Stay strong. And if you can't, get the Palinode to be strong for you. Every little bit helps. Curse the best abusive friend!
Way to go, Schmutzie! You CAN do this. You ARE doing this. I'm so proud of you.
I am very, very proud of you.