Seeking Psychological Wellness In Order To Avoid Doing More Laundry
Wednesday, August 13, 2008 I have to be honest with you: times are tough.
I have not known what to write over the last while, because I have been in alternating cycles of depression and anxiety that have pretty much crippled my creativity and ability to perform even simple tasks. I have been here before but not to this extent in a few years, and, to be honest, I am both shocked and not in the least surprised to be here again.
I am shocked, because I have been able to push through some truly trying times over the past few years with little more than my strong will to survive and the occasional use of pharmaceuticals from different doctors at as many different walk-in clinics when I found myself falling into old patterns of paranoia and circular thinking. I am not the kind of person who finds it at all easy to ask for help, and I have done my best to avoid it and won.
Won what, though? I've won more of the same with ever increasing regularity, which is also why I am not in the least surprised. I look back at the last ten years of my life, and I see a person who has never been able to stop struggling. I have never found truly stable ground. I have been able to hang on, push through, manage a regular working life to some extent, be more or less functional, but I have never had an entire week in which I did not have to talk myself out of bed or force myself into social situations just to get out of the house.
I have become used to a barely functional existence. It has become my norm. I have actually convinced myself that I am doing well despite the amount of time I spend curled up in a chair paralyzed against constructive action. It is so wrong that my barometer for measuring my psychological wellness is based on whether or not I have joined the shuffling herd of people from the local psych ward who yell I am the Easter Bunny! at me when I go to buy toothpaste.
I have spent the last week-and-a-half basically immobile but for when I get up to refill my coffee mug or go to the bathroom. Bathing happens only when absolutely necessary and eating only when my hands start shaking. Part of this is due to the fact that my medication was upped last week, and so I have not only had to deal with my original depression and anxiety but also a powerful round of nervous jitters, an electrified feeling that numbs my fingertips, insomnia, nausea, headaches, and excessive sweating.
If anything, I am learning the great reaches of the Palinode's patience. He has been nothing but supportive, and it is because of him that I have been able to do as well as I have.
Tomorrow afternoon, I have an appointment with a family doctor who will refer me to a psychiatrist. I have not taken the steps toward psychiatric help since fifteen years ago when three different psychiatrists diagnosed me with three different psychological conditions and fed me as many drugs that did more to complicate than ease my problems.
Making this appointment was fucking hard to do. When I walked into the clinic three days ago to make the appointment, I could barely force my voice above a whisper.
What doctor would you like to see? the receptionist asked.
Dr. P, I choked out.
What? she asked.
Dr. P. I want to see Dr. P, I repeated, my voice barely carrying over the counter.
I am crossing my fingers that my experience with psychiatry all those years ago was just a bad run, because I have to stop spending so much of my day in bed, and soon. When you spend twelve to sixteen hours a day in bed, you end up having to launder your bedding a lot more frequently, and I really hate doing laundry.
Reader Comments (39)
I am so sorry you've found yourself in this place. As I said the other day, I really do admire you for your tenacity and integrity.
That you've kept moving forward and went and made the appointment shows what a tough woman you are. I hope that a new psychiatrist ushers in a new time in your life. You deserve to find happiness.
We all have our motivations for seeking help -- laundry is just as good as any of them. :-)
I hope your appointment goes well and applaud you for taking that step. It is hard and you have a lot of us rooting for you to get where you need to be healthy and happy.
I'm glad you were finally able to find the words to express how you've been feeling - that's a great accomplishment in itself, on top of the choice to seek help.
This is a beautiful, honest, excellent post and I admire you for writing it. I hope you post it to Real Mental, because I think it will inspire other people who are going through the same thing.
You rock, Schmutzie. Things are going to start getting better soon, I can feel it.
Lots of love to you, my friend.
Talking it out with a medical professional helps. Good for you in taking the first step. That one is always the hardest and you did it. Kudos.
I know you don't know me and I know of you only what I have read here, but I want to offer my heartfelt support and caring. You are an exceptionally talented and wonderful woman. I'm in your corner along with everyone else who you have touched with you beautiful honesty and creativity.
xo to you.
You are brave, you are strong, you are courageous. YOu can do this. I know it's scary as I'm in the exact same place, (except I haven't made the appointment yet) but know that I believe in you and I believe that you can do this. I believe, hell I KNOW that you have the strength to do this. All my love and my thoughts.
I'm so sorry you are feeling so unwell and am hoping that there have been improvements in treatment in the last 15 years - I can't imagine there haven't been.
I'll be thinking of you.
I admire you. Keep up the good work.
Anything I can do please let me know! It's great to hear what's going on for you, very brave! I work in that field and also have a great distrust for medical model, Dr's are God stuff so if you need a filter or interpreter I'm happy to help. Don't feel like you need to just do the blind obedience thing- do the research and take charge of your own treatment... Anyway- sorry to sound like a lecture. I would like to help and feel helpless. You are doing the right thing and I wish you well!
beautiful girl. I am so sorry that yr hurting right now. Yr going to be fine. Just fine. Take out a sharpie and write it down. Just keep writing, it will be yr life jacket. It is yr gift.
I envy your bravery. I can relate to how you are feeling and I know how hard the decision is and how hard it is to actually act on the decision once it is made.
love you
I'm glad you were able to move forward to the next step, and I'm sending you lots of positive mojo from Chicago.
Jules
http://bigpikchur.blogspot.com" REL="nofollow">House of Jules
Good Luck Schmutz. I've never had the stay in bed thing, so I'll just wish you well.
But I'm glad you're not so comfortable with people. People are insane.
I'm really sorry you're going through this. I'll be thinking good thoughts for you. Admiration doesn't begin to describe what I think of you and your writing. I think you're fantastic and very brave. Good luck at your appointment.
Believe me when I say that I know what you're going through. [Maybe it's a Capricorn thing? ;)]
My biggest piece of advice to you is to advocate for your care. If you can't do it then have Palinode do it for you. [Just make sure you sign a release so that your provider can legally talk to Palinode.]
Remember that you are not stuck with whatever psychiatrist/psychologist/counselor you're referred to. If you don't "click" or feel uncomfortable then get someone else. I think that relationship is as important, if not more important, than any other relationship that you can have. It's imperative that you trust them.
Hugs to you, hun. I hope that "normal" gets a new meaning for you soon.
Let's hope the doctor is excellent, you deserve help with this, no one could tackle it alone. I'm so sorry you're struggling. I do laundry, if you're looking for a good laundress.
I'm sending you luck vibes from Idaho :) You'll get the help you need.
Thank you for sharing this with us and I'm sorry you have to go through this.
And I fully support anything that makes less laundry :)
Ahhhh the sweating.....delightful no?
Also fun...trying to administer allergy medication to your child with the shaking/jitters.
"Uh mom, my mouth is under my nose..you do see the hole right?"
And let us not forget (ha) the forgetfulness. What was I saying? Oh yeah " No officer (ramrod) I did not know how fast I was driving, see I'm on my way to pick up MY ANTI-CARZY-ASS meds from the doctor..uh dr. ummm shit what were you saying sir?"
It is so hard to get it in to my head that the existing I was doing..well it just is not enough anymore. I want to feel ok most of the time not "just surviving the time."
The asking part is hard. Nice first step. Keep walking or crawling or dragging yourself to the help.
If you need a reason. THINK OF ONION,for the love of kitties!
I admire yur boot-straps woman.
Cindi in Michigan
I'm sad to hear you have been suffering through this. Sending you hugs and well wishes through this rough and difficult time. A big Yay You! for taking steps to help yourself! That is huge. And thank you for sharing it with us.
Just a note to add one more "I care" to the chorus.
And ... this may not be the best advice, but ... now that you've got the appointment, couldn't you let yourself off the hook from life a little -- at least until you see the shrink?
I'm thinking of just being in the moment and not worrying too much about anything. So you don't write the Great Canadian Novel (Isn't that "Duddy Kravitz" anyway?). So you don't do laundry. So you lie in bed. The world won't come to an end. Just be ... until the appointment. Then get up, say two hours before, take a hot bath, put on different (if not clean) clothes, then go to the appointment.
A big cyberhug to you. Get well. Or better. Or at least enough to get up on your own steam more often.
I hope this helps.
big hug. you WILL get beyond this, and it's awesome that the Palinode will be there to help.
I am wishing you all the best.
xoxox,
Aimee
P.S. I am on those little pills myself.
You're beautiful.
My good thoughts are with you.
kisses and hugs to you and the palinode
Way to walk in that office. Way to write about it too.
Sometimes I feel like I'm holding on by a thread, but when I see the thread, it is golden.
Thinking of you.