The BlogHer '08 Community Keynote (In Which I Suddenly Turn All Evangelical)
Sunday, July 27, 2008 
The sight of this door nearly killed me dead.
I was at the BlogHer '08 conference in San Francisco last weekend, which was a brave move for me. I might be a candid and often over-sharing character here, but there are two things I have kept to myself over the last almost-five years of writing on this website: my real name and my real face. My anonymity has been extremely important to me. I come from a religious family with conservative values, and the things I talk about here would, and will at some point, I am sure, cause a lot of upset. While I have been figuring out what I might do if my writing ever came to light, I have been careful to hide my identity.
And then, because I am capital-S M R T smart, I agreed to take part in the BlogHer '08 Community Keynote on the first night of the conference. I don't know what I was thinking. Getting up on stage in front of hundreds of people as Schmutzie went against my first and most important rule when it comes to this website. The only thing that would make my decision to out myself last weekend make sense would be if I were off my psych meds, drunk, tossing back roofies, and feeling particularly self-destructive when I submitted my weblog post for the reading. At any rate, it didn't occur to me that I was going to be advertising my face to hundreds of people in the audience and thousands of people on the internet until I saw that stage door.
The stage door gave me a steely stare that said very clearly YOU ARE KIND OF AN IDIOT, with which I kind of agreed.
No Pasa nada, Fluid Pudding, Joy Unexpected, Suburban Turmoil, BlogHer's Elisa Camahort, and Deb on the Rocks
Back stage was vertiginous stew of nervous tension. When I am struggling under immense fear, I tend to become hyper-focused on details outside myself. I forget my beating heart and my shallow breathing and instead follow the lines of clothing and the fluttering of hands and the dry shift of paper against paper. Novels outcrop at people's edges and flirt with my paralysis.
While I sat backstage and my body melted away into the general hum of elbows and hair-grooming and ancient fluorescent lighting, it occurred to me that I was ready for this. I felt completely unstable and dissociated from my body, but there was something so very right about being there right then to do the only thing I fear more than dentistry, public speaking.
Or, the message my brain could have been sending was likely something along the lines of YOU FORGOT TO TAKE YOUR MEDICATION THIS MORNING, HAVE BECOME SOMEWHAT DISSOCIATIVE, AND ARE SLIPPING INTO HIVE MIND, YOU GIT.
I'm kidding about that, though. When Eden of Fussy took the stage to MC the Community Keynote, the time had arrived, and I new that this thing that I was about to do with twenty-one other writers was right. I was exactly where I was supposed to be for the first time in many years.
I was sixteenth on a list of twenty-two speakers and thought I would never be able to maintain consciousness through that long wait. I was sure I would swoon, and I curled and uncurled my toes in my shoes to remind myself that I was standing. There was too much magic backstage for fainting, though, and I was compelled to inhale all of it, every shaky knee returning from the stage, speech through emotional throats, and anticipatory sighs. We quickly fell into a natural community there. We comforted and congratulated, hugged and held hands as we dealt with the rise and fall of high emotions.
As a person who is used to a certain level of detachment, this was a true oasis after great thirst. These were my people in a way that I am not used to having people, even if only for ninety minutes.
Watching all those talented fellow bloggers take the stage and share of themselves with a rapt audience made me remember why it is that I do what I do here and why I love it so much. In its best state, its most ideal form, blogging provides a freedom through honesty on a level that I do not think has ever before been accomplished in human history. I am not being hyperbolic here. As with anything on this earth, there are negatives as well as positives when it comes to blogging, but that does not negate its incredible potential for both private and public revelation/revolution.
the terrifying audience who turned out to be not so terrifying
Without Eden Kennedy (Fussy) and her creation of the Community Keynote at BlogHer '08, I might have lost the faith. Thank you, Eden.
The following are the weblog posts that were read at the BlogHer '08 Community Keynote. Enjoy.
Best Rant
Sarah Brown: "Attention: I have some things to say about Goldfish snack crackers"
Danielle Wiley: "I am indeed a full-time mother, and yes, my daughter does watch Hannah Montana"
Megan Smith: "Michelle Obama Enjoys "The View:" A Recap"
Mr. Lady: "It s not the fall that kills you, it s the sudden stop."
Heather Barmore: "Guess who wants Typepad for Mother s Day"
Blogging About Blogging
Liz Gumbinner: "I'm official! Hooray!"
Suebob Davis: "Blogging makes you lose your mind"
Stephanie Bergman: "Has Twitter Ruined Blogging?"
Zan: "Note to Self in the Age of the Internet: A Necessary Reminder"
Parenting
Casey: "The one about the overdose."
Doug: "Five going on fifteen"
Polly Pagenhart: "Thanks giving"
Lindsay Ferrier: "Every Mom Needs a Little Wiggle Room"
Letter to My Body
Yvonne: "Life Changing Words"
Schmutzie: "I Nudged Him Hard, Saying: "Come, Gloopy Bastard, As Thou Art""
Laurie White: "Letter to My Body, Letter to My Face"
Humor
Antonia Cornwell: "Christmas Poem"
Jenny Lawson: "High"
Evany Thomas: "Say my name!"
Deb: "Too much of a good thing?"
Angela: "The albatross and the whales, they are my brothers."
Reader Comments (27)
hyperbole would fall well short of what it felt like to be in that audience.
I have a huge lump in my throat right now, and for the first time it is really sinking in that I might have missed a truly amazing thing. Thank you for posting this, for "outing" yourself, and just for being here.
I wish all the BlogHer haters would read the posts like this. The message might not sink through many of those thick skulls, but then again...it might.
Oh how I wish I could take you in my arms, reach around you and POUND YOU SILLY!! Take your life out of the control of "woulda, shoulda, coulda". Follow YOUR path. If you follow the paths of everyone else, you will just end up screwing up on THEIR advice. I'd rather screw up on MY advice any day.
What's your name? What's your address? Where do you live?
See? It's none of my business!
When I started my blog, I figured it was ANNONYMOUS. No one would read it except my husband's x-wife and she knows me anyway.
Now..........., more than three people read it!!! Woohoo!
And due to the way I set it up, everyone (including the shoe bomber) knows where I live.
It just made me cry to see the audience photo. I was so overwhelmed that I never LOOKED. Thanks for that.
You mean your real name isn't Schmutzie?
You belonged up there. And you shone.
I watched your video, and you did a fabulous job. So real. So Schmutzie.
And also, you are just a completely beautiful human being.
That one panel is the only one I would have liked to have seen/attended in person. Long live vdeo!
I am all choked up, and I haven't even seen the video yet. I knew you would find your people.
I just watched the video and was so moved. Wow. I wish I could have been there.
And thank you for the links to the other posts shared. I can't wait to read them all.
Wow, that was an awesomely brave and clearly spoken post. So very Schmutzie.
Thanks, too, for compiling the great links. I will look forward to seeing the video when I get a moment.
You are brave, talented, brave, truthful, brave, articulate, brave and very artful. Did I mention brave? I hope you will always write, so my world will be that much richer.
The Keynote Blog Reading Event was a major highlight of BlogHer '08. I absolutely loved your reading and was glad to finally track you down in the Macy's shoe department to tell you so. Very touching and oh, so beautifully written and spoken. You are a poet with words.
Yeah, thanks or the audience photo, they actually look really nice huh?
And AND! That's my hand holding the stage door. Is it sad that that's what kind of think I remember?
I feel so lucky you were there, a calm, SMART and lovely presence in the Green Room, and a fantastic reader! It really happened, didn't it?
You are an amazement, Schmutzie!
And that "taking a photo of the audience" moment was one of the supreme highlights of the event, bringing all bloggers in the room together. So perfect.
I thought you, and everyone else, did an amazing job. I submitted some posts, but was so glad I didn't get picked because I don't know how all of you got up in front of all those people and read.
It really was the best session of the weekend for me.
The community keynote was absolutely far and away the gem of the conference. You were amazing.
You were absolutely wonderful, Schmutzie, and the whole keynote experience was a highlight of my entire LIFE. The energy backstage was amazing, the audience was so supportive and so ready to laugh or cry... I felt incredibly lucky to have been part of it. Thanks for capturing that moment so well in this post.
See what I was talking about? Quite a few of my co-presenters at the Community Keynote have commented here with even more encouraging words.
You are all fantastic. Thank you. And I really mean it. I'm not a cheesehead.
1. I adore you.
2. That audience picture is going in my favorites. I was so terrified that I never looked. Or was too drunk to remember looking.
SCHMUTZIE, THERE WERE PEOPLE OUT THERE!
Sorry. Overreacted a bit.
I'm sure you were fabulous!
I wish I could have been there at BlogHer - but I'd rather spend another year building my blog and then exploding victorious on the scene instead of people asking me, "So what's the plan for your blog?" With me replying, "Plan? Uh..."
Not because I think people would ask, I'm sure they were all pretty freakin amazing...but that's just my way.
Glad you had fun - even gladder you wrote about it :)
You know I love you. The community keynote was indeed the jewel in the crown of the conference this year. For me and many others.
I am seriously getting goosebumps AGAIN thinking about the different posts that people spoke OUT LOUD. Amazing. REALLY amazing!
Thank you so much for your comment on my blog. I am honored, seriously.
I love reading this and all the other BlogHer posts. Thank you for your wonderful, inspiring writing. See you next year.
Evangelicalize (or whatever the verb is for that) all you want - it was such an incredible experience and I was honored to share it with you. You're amazing and I can see now why so many bloggers that I really respect count you among their must-readers. Looking forward to hanging out here more.
All the things they said, and more.
These pictures are wonderful. I bring my camera EVERYWHERE and couldn't believe I didn't have it backstage. I think I was just supposed to pay attention. Thanks for catching the audience. I'm with suebob on that one.
Will always love all of you for being part of the inaugural keynote "class" with me. :)
Thank you so much for writing about this AND for taking so many great photos.
I'm reading at this year's Keynote and between panic disorder and a complete lack of faith in my material, I'm a bit nervous.
Reading about your experience helped me so much. I know this is going to be a blast and the people I meet will take my mind of myself and my worries.
Your reading was awesome! I wish I'd been there in person.