How To Recognize A Schmutzie At BlogHer
Wednesday, July 9, 2008 
UPDATE: This is not me.
SparksFley inspired me with a post she wrote to reveal a few things about myself that I am a touch insecure about before I hit the BlogHer '08 conference. I do not show my face on this website, I have never been to a BlogHer conference before, and I am nervous as hell about meeting new people no matter what the circumstance, and these three things conspire to unnerve me to greater and greater depths as the conference weekend draws near.
It is becoming ridiculous. For example, the following are a few of the things that have added themselves to my Fear List: my passport will not be ready before my flight, I will miss the plane for the second leg of my trip to San Francisco, the airline will confiscate my psych meds, I won't know how to get from the airport to the hotel, Sweetney will decide that I am an obnoxious roommate and should go back to Canada already, people will be disappointed with what I look like, the conference will feel like high school/summer camp/team sports events from my painful formative years, and my feet will smell. My feet do not usually smell terrible, but, for some reason, this plays out as a major complicating factor in my fear fantasies.
Aaaaaaand breathe.
I think that most of these fears are actually about my social anxiety, which is partly due to the fact that the way I look and the way I behave, as the person behind Schmutzie, will be on public display for the first time. I am nervous in new social situations anyway, but, in this case, I precede myself, which is WEIRD. Add to that the fact that I have been chosen as one of the presenters in the BlogHer Community Keynote, and I am almost willing to don a gorilla mask for the weekend and pretend that none of it is really happening. To alleviate some of the pressure I am feeling about that, I am going to tell you a few things about myself:
1. I have fairly prominent boobs. They sit high and plump, which a lot of people probably think is a good thing, but they make me feel kind of freakish. They are not huge, but they do nothing to hide themselves. So, there you have it. I have nice boobs that I don't like. Feel bad for me.
2. When I drink, I become a talker, and Talky Schmutzie retells stories that everyone has already heard. If you have read this website with any regularity, and you are going to be at BlogHer, be prepared to smile and nod. I promise that I will pick up on that and shut up shortly.
3. I look like I have a double chin in half the photographs that are taken of me. That's because I am growing a more noticeable double chin with every passing year.
4. I often walk around with lettuce, poppy seeds, broccoli, or other detritus stuck in my teeth. I promise that I do brush my teeth. It's just that me and my teeth have a love/hate relationship, and they like to try to embarrass me in public. Teenagers.
5. Like SparksFley, I smoke. Yes, I've had cancer. No, I don't care to hear what you think about that. Subject closed.
6. I tend to talk faster and faster when I'm nervous, so, if you are at the BlogHer Community Keynote, listen carefully, or you might miss it.
7. I have a tendency to stick my gut way out when I am concentrating on taking a photograph. So, if you see me at the conference taking a picture and looking five months pregnant, remind yourself that I am just concentrating. My uterusless self and pregnancy ne'er the twain shall meet.
There. So, if you happen to see a boobilicious person picking food out of their teeth while smoking or pushing their gut out while taking a photograph AND trying to obscure a double chin, it's probably me. To make sure, just say hello and ask me which weblog I write. I'll say "HimynameisSchmutzieandIwriteMilkmoneyOrNotHereICome".
Aaaaaaand breathe.
Reader Comments (38)
I had to read uterusless multiple times before recognizing the genius of the word.
I am just so damn happy you will be there, I couldn't care less if you turned out to be a gorilla wearing a human mask. Which, come right down to it, aren't we all?
Well, I would like to meet you and I have to admit I'm a new reader here (found you through twitter, you replied to something I said)so any stories you have to tell will be new to me, and I too get very talky with the drinking. ;)
Now,now. It can't be all that bad. Look - you have great armpits! Not everyone can say THAT! ;) I hope you have a good time. I don't know much about Blogher so I'm looking forward to what you have to say about it afterwards.
Teeni, that's not even me up there in that photograph. Talk about freaking out.
If you'll be in the gorilla mask, I'll be wearing the paper bag on my head...and I don't have your readership, or your anonymous face. Still, I'd like to wear the sack. Perhaps we could start the BlogHer Masquerade?
Califmom, I was thinking that ficus should be the new black.
Can I stand downwind of you and breathe in your exhaled smoke? I still miss my cigs and love the smell, so you'll be doing me a favor. Puhleeze............
WILL YOU PLEASE come smoke with me before we have to go read up there? PLEASE? I cannot be the only one out there...I'll DIE.
After all that, I'd almost consider a sex-change operation just to be there. (Top that, Savia!)
Your fears ... understandable but underwhelming:
Passport? The Canadian government is there to help, eh?
Sweetney? Puh-leeze ... tell her to go back to Baltimore if she wants you back in the 'wan.
Nice boobs? Um ... is the Palinode reading this?
Keynote? Good topic for you.
Fast talk? I bet you're a fast writer, too.
This has gone on too long, but have fun, Schmuts, you deserve it.
I won't be there, but good luck!
An orthodontist recently told me that most double chins are due to the relaxation of the rather substantial tongue muscle. Something about thumb sucking as a child and blah-blah-blah (I stopped listening after he said I needed braces again). If you push your tongue forward and the double chin disappears, then it's tongue-related (he said). I have no idea what to do about it.
You totally should be there, and it's about time. The Blogess, I believe is hosting a sponsored party, which I believe you can contact her about.
You are so damn cute Schmutzie! You will do just fine I'm sure. Wish I was one of the people being talked to death- I think it would be fun to meet you! I'm looking forward to hearing more about it and living (forever) vicariously!
If you wear a gorilla mask all weekend, your face will get sweaty. I am also fairly certain that the synthetic fur on those masks will smell a lot worse than feet if you light it on fire with a cigarette.
I figure between your smoking and my smoking, and your talking and my talking, and your chins and my chins... We'll create an impenetrable bubble around us that social anxiety can't touch!
Oh my God, you got picked as a keynote speaker? [Savia squeals and jumps around like a little kid.] I am so happy for you! Even the thought of Cecilieaux's impending sex-change operation can't wipe the big grin off my face ;)
You are going to have such a blast. Besides, if anyone can understand your anxiety and neuroses, it's a conference full of anxious and neurotic bloggers, right?
Relax, homegirl. Imagine everyone walking hither and yon in the conference location wearing only their underwear. On their head.
I do wish that I could be there to hunt you down and try to put you at ease, i.e. shake your hand, look you in the eyes, and say, "Schmutzie, it's lovely to finally meet you. You're teeth are broccoli free, your feet smell like Spring, and your boobs are spectacular. Now, relax and enjoy yourself."
I want to go just to meet you and have you tell me a story really fast. But, nope, too scared. I hope you have a fabulous time.
This makes me wish I were going to BlogHer. Yes, I feel bad for you. Baaad! :) Seriously, you can make this much anxiety sound this funny? You are going to find "your people" and slay them with wit and insight, and yes, lots of fast talking. Damn. I'm going to miss the whole thing.
"Your people" as in "the people who love and admire you."
I'm seriously thinking of going to Blogher just so I can hang out with you. Is it too late to sell a kidney and register?
I love this post! We all have so many things that we're self conscious about--maybe even that hold us back? It's one of the things that reminds me how connected we all are as people. I think you've inspired me to do a similar type of post. Have fun at Blogher!
I SO wish I was going to be there to meet you! But you've given me a reason to be relieved, as I've got enough stress in my life as it is without freaking out over BlogHer.
I too have great boobs and severely underappreciate them. My husband does enough appreciating for the entire world. Between you and me? (Um, and the whole blogosphere, yeah, I know where I am.) I would rather be much, much smaller. As in A cup smaller. Why I am I telling you this? I have no idea.
I also get VERY chatty when I drink. And I probably repeat stories but am as of yet unaware of this, so I'll have to pay attention next time (which will no doubt be all too soon).
Everyone is going to LOVE you. I don't know how I know that, but I just do.
Well I am totally looking forward to meeting you and if there is any hint of food in your teeth I'll just come right out with it. But only if you promise to do the same for me.
gah! i can't wait to meet the real life Schmutzie...food in your teeth and all ;)
*Everyone* tells stories again and again and again - don't worry 'bout it. You'll be fabulous.
And afterwards, there will be blog entries galore, raving about how all these lucky people got to finally meet the fabulous Schmutzie!
I'll see you in the smoking section.
I was bummed before that I wouldn't be going to Blogher. Now, the thought of missing you and your high boobs and teeth and drunken stories makes me positively sad.
Congrats on the keynote - you'll be awesome.
My first BlogHer conference I was absolutely terrified and stayed that way pretty much the whole time. The second one was easier. (Hi, I bet that was helpful.)
If you jumble up your words from speaking too fast at the keynote I will jab you with a stick. Start practicing now. Breathe. Find a comfortable pace. It will be fine and then we'll all clap! And have a big drink afterward.
Haha! I am saddened that I will not meet your fabulous boobs and seed-encrusted teeth. Perhaps next year.
Does it help to know that everyone you'll be speaking to is as self-conscious as you? I have a gap-toothed smile, I've gotten middle-aged plump. And when I'm tired, drunk or really thirsty I lisp. great. If I imagine everyone as being super composed, I'm not sure I could cross the street. And also, the audience is on YOUR side. They're rooting for ya. and if worst comes to worst there's tequila.
I think you might be the one person I'm sad about not getting to meet (as I'm not going).
In my mind we would meet whilst smoking at some point during the conference...we'd be outside somewhere and I'd look up and just know it was you.
At least you have the courage to go! I was seriously thinking of it (especially since I love San Francisco) but chickened out. Have a great time!
fine you smoke. WHATEVER.
JUST DON't STEAL MY LIGHTER. SERIOUSLY. people are always stealing my lighter.
My boobs may call your boobs unsavory names.
It's only because they're jealous.
Dude, have you seen my cleavage?? I'm sure you have because it's always popping up on flickr somewhere. Though another Canadian did say that I have a "great rack". That said, if Sweetney kicks you out of your room you can come room with me and my Canadian roommate.
Hello. And Bye.