The Non-Fire
Saturday, June 7, 2008 I woke up this morning and wandered into the kitchen to make a pot of coffee. For some reason, I kept the old, wet grounds that were languishing in the french press from the day before and added only one scoop of new grounds. I knew that this process was going to end up making terrible coffee, but part of my brain told me to keep going with it. I even promised myself that I would not admit to the Palinode that I was reusing the scungy grounds from yesterday's coffee.
Sometimes, especially when I first wake up in the morning, my brain doesn't work properly, and I end up doing things that are both unreasonable and unnecessary. This is how I have ended up with different kinds of deodorant in each armpit or transporting a rock from my street across town in my pocket on the way to work. It goes something like this: one day, my brain says You must butter only the edges of your toast this morning, and then I do just that, eat only the edges, and throw away the middle. Oh, were you looking for an explanation? THERE ISN'T ONE. I'm just crazy before ten o'clock.
I was in the middle of this making of the really bad coffee for no good reason when the fire alarms in our apartment building went off. I thought Well that's fecking annoying, and checked the hallway to see if the red fire alarm light on the wall was flashing. It was. I figured that that was as good a time as any to put on some pants, and after that, I thought that I should probably wet my hair, because it looked really screwy, and then, hell, why not pat on some foundation to even out the old complexion? I wouldn't want to look like I'd just crawled out of bed while standing on the front lawn in the rain waiting for fire trucks to show up.
Somehow, trying to look decent in what might have been a burning building made sense to me at the time. For someone who lies awake at night freaking out because, OH MY GOD, WE'RE ALL GOING TO DIE ONE DAY, I was insanely calm about the fire alarms blaring right outside my apartment door. When death is remote, I can barely breathe with the thought of it, but when death might quite possibly be a reality, I am armed with a bottle of foundation so I can look good for the neighbours. I think I need to have my priorities recalibrated.
Eventually, the Palinode and I managed to make our way down to the stoop, and because we are so very smart, we stayed there for a while rather than heading out to the sidewalk. We are fire retarded.
After standing out there for fifteen minutes, the lot of us realized that fire department was not responding to the alarm. We were all under the impression that public fire alarms alerted the fire department directly, but not so in this case, so someone decided to call 911. We were all also under the impression that a 911 operator would stay on the line to talk to you, but we were wrong on that front, as well. 911 put us on hold. On hold! Now we and the other tenants in the building feel secure in the knowledge that both the fire department and 911 are looking out for our well-being, at least after all our stuff has been engulfed in flames.
Finally, two fire trucks showed up. There was no leaping to action from their vehicles to attack the fire, carry out victims, and save the day. There was definitely relaxed loping to our front door and pausing to talk with bedraggled tenants.
The firemen walked through the building, asked some questions, and found nothing burning anywhere. That kind of bummed me out a little. After standing in the rain for half an hour, I wanted some sort of climax, but the whole thing kind of came off as one, long, damp denouement.
I just complained about how our building was not on fire this morning. That thing I said about getting my priorities recalibrated? I should get on that.
Reader Comments (17)
On the plus side, we went to a nearby cafe while our building didn't burn down. I had the falafel.
As an example of how visual is always more powerful than writing, I spent more time looking at the photos, wondering if you know the neighbors there. Who is the guy behind Palinode? Have you ever talked to the two women by the fire truck?
You had me at firemen...
I would have done a hair/makeup check, also. Especially because firemen were (presumably...) on their way.
Found you through ChapterBytes. Have fun with the writing!
At least you looked good while waiting for them to show up and tell you that your stuff was not burning! Hee. I'm having flashbacks to my college days when a certain group of people pulled fake fire alarms at all hours of the night. I can't recall that any of us did more than throw on a robe. That I noticed, anyway. Tell us more about your coffee. I have to live it vicariously now, even bad coffee. :)
If this happened while I was there, why did my alarm not go off? What time was this? Should I be concerned that while you were entertaining possibly hot firefighters, I was sleeping or drinking hangover cures?
OR, if this happened in the early afternoon, it might have been ME that set this alarm off. You see, whenever I shower, I have to close the bathroom door because otherwise the smoke, er, steam alarm goes off. Then when I'm done, I prop the door open a crack and after an hour or so I can open it fully. However, today I left right after my shower in a bit of a hurry and I may have opened the bathroom door too much, causing my alarm to rage willy-nilly without any of the required towel flapping.
If is was me, sorry guys!
I love how, not only did you think to wet your hair and apply foundation, but to grab the camera to record the event.
True grace under pressure.
You know, I had a whole comment in my head as I was reading. Then I got to the comments bit and realised that mommypie had commented exactly what I was going to say.
So now, I think I have found a kindred spirit and I am going to stalk her a little.
I got so used to ignoring false alarms here that one time, I was totally surprised by firemen bolting into my flat. In full turnout gear. Everyone wanted to know if they were hot, but I was pissed that they didn't knock.
They were nicely suited up I see...
You ought to tell the woman, opening the door for them, that she could have been consumed in a giant ball of flames. YOU ARE SUPPOSED TO STAND BACK in cases such as these.
Neil: I spent a lot of time looking at the truck and the houses.
Some firemen came to an old apartment building I lived in during college to fix a broken elevator and one of them looked just like Patrick Stewart. Swooon.
So what did the kitties think of all this?
Catnip, we were terrible cat owners and left the three of them slinking around the apartment with worried looks on their faces. Lula spent part of the time peering out our bedroom window at the street, which the other tenants noticed. "Aw, poor kitty", they said. I felt terrible about it.
1. Were they cute?
2. How was the coffee?
3. I too am amazed you grabbed the camera! I liked looking at the pics.
4. Did the cats get over it yet?
5. You are not the only one who thinks that way in the morning.
6. What if no one had been there to make the call?
Aithne, in answer to your questions:
1. A couple of them were cute, one walked like a bulldog, and the others looked like older dads.
2. The coffee was weak and flat tasting. The Palinode claimed that it wasn't actually that bad. He's sweet.
3. I grabbed the camera and not the cats. I am a horrible human being.
4. The cats are fine. No damage done.
5. I'm glad that I'm not the only with brain malfunction in the morning. I just hope my brain never decides that I need to french kiss the neighbours or live in a tree.
6. If no one had been there to call, the alarms would have just kept ringing and ringing for the rest of the day. And my cats would need therapy.
I think after all that you DESERVE some kind of calamity. Don't you??
Ha ha ha.
Fire retards.
Heeee hee hee.
That's going to be funny for a very, VERY long time.
You made my day.
I am a dedicated cat person but I think it takes a specially sane mind to remember to take the kitties outside with you during a fire.
Putting pants on was a good move.