Too Much Information About My Doctor's Appointment
Tuesday, May 27, 2008 I went for my six-month post-hysterectomy gynecological exam this morning ten months after my surgery. Oops! My bad. The lateness of my exam is due to a few reasons, most of which boil down to one: it turns out that every doctor I have had since that first one found my abnormal cervical cells back in September 2006 has divulged as little information as possible, especially when asked direct questions, even if it is something as simple as who you are supposed to make appointments with and when after having your fucking cancer carved out.
*ahem*
I was terrified to go to this appointment today, because my recent history with medicine has taught me to hate it. I used to worry about having swollen tonsils or a yeast infection, but now I worry about cancer and death. As a result, I forgot to breathe during the entire cab ride to the doctor's office and was intoxicated from oxygen deprivation when I walked up to the receptionist's desk. When she asked for my name, I insisted that my last name was that of my doctor. The doctor's name is unmistakably middle eastern, and I am a glaring bright poster girl for white europeanness.
I only waited for about five minutes before being called in to the exam, and then the exam itself took less than ten minutes. The exam was fairly typical, but there are a few things that have changed, at least in my experience, since I first began seeing gynecologists in my late teens (do not read the following section of wholly inappropriate bullet points if you are at all uncomfortable with the discussion of my pink parts):
I just remembered that my mother- and father-in-law sometimes read here. Did you know that? I feel like crawling under my desk, and, yet, still I publish. Hi there, folks! How's your yard coming? Any more squirrels in the pool?
Anyway, back to my appointment today. My doctor did a pap test, palpated my abdomen, and ordered a CT scan for me, which is a completely normal procedure to make sure my insides are still cancer-free and not too overrun with scar tissue. So, I will get to do all that breath-holding again someday soon and then again every six months forever. Joy.
The important thing is that I AM NOT DYING. I usually think I am, so this is excellent news which I should believe for, oh, the next six hours.
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P.S. I made that business card at the left while I was worrying the other night but have not ordered any yet. What do you think? Yay or nay?
Reader Comments (51)
You must order those cards. They are perfect!
Yes! I love the cards!
And I too have been recently surprised by most of your bullet points. And here I thought the two entrances were not connected... silly me!
I'm glad to hear that at least the results were good.
Lurv the cards. Lurv the cancer-free.
I'm so glad about you not dying.
I've been bitten by the speculum.
I love the business card.
Love the card.
Love the new masthead.
Glad I have boy parts and can avoid the speculum.
I was not aware of the finger/butt thing... not looking forward to my next appointment :P
The cards are awesome. You are not so shabby yourself. You are brave AND love cats, c'mon! That makes you perfect in my book!
Yes! Print those cards.
The cards are absolute perfection - especially the last line.
So glad about the cancer thing, or lack thereof a Cancer Thing...
I too was unaware of the finger/butt thing, however, I am now looking forward to my next exam. Hehe.
Loving the cards, you genius, you.
Unsolicited advice: It's a colossal waste of energy to worry about anything you have no control over. I have pending health tests and such, but refuse to allow them to occupy space in my head. It's really not denial. It's practical.
Witchypoo, that's sound advice. I was doing pretty well until yesterday, so I'm getting better at bucking up.
The cards are PERFECT.
My gyno swears the speculum isn't any larger, so I guess I shouldn't put my (shrinking??) hoo-hoo through any more hot baths, eh?
Glad you're cancer-free, darlin'.
i loves your cards
and i loves you!
and i agree, speculums must have gotten bigger... they are awful.
Oh, those cards? Are so you.
And yay about the clean bill of health. Did your doctor not tell you to breath deep when s/he put his/her finger up your, um, butt? Because if not, that's just seventeen kinds of wrong.
Hey Schmutzie! I know all too well that feeling of utter terror and the agony of waiting to hear some good news or the simple, "All's well - see you in six months." I lurk at your site a lot without commenting, even though we have a lot of the same bloggy buddies in common, but that is because cancer is too close to home for me at times. I'm trying to work on that. Anyway, that sucks that the speculum bit you. I've never had that happen but can imagine it is NOT pleasant at all. Also, you my dear are NOT dying - you are LIVING! And I love that you used your nervous energy to get creative and make some practical and whimsical business cards.
I love those cards. So glad your appointment went well too.
Love the cards!Did you ever notice after about 10 comments it's hard to come up with anything more? Or maybe it's the time of night or my rotten cold! I'm glad you are still alive and willing to share.
I love my obgyn. Somehow she distracts me by talking about shoes and voila, the probe is over.
Glad to hear you are doing okay and that you didn't further delay your follow up visit.
And like all the people before me - love, love, LOVE the card.
Yes to the cards! I like your description of what you are. As usual, I enjoy reading your take on things. I have always had a fear of speculums and it's nice to hear someone articulate their unappealingness so well.
I'm really really glad you're not dying. The rest of your post kinda made me do one big involuntary kegel in horror. I prefer to block out all memory of past gyn exams.
The cards are adorable!
I belong to the 6 month club too and it sucks. Glad to hear all went well.
I seriously think the speculum did get bigger and I've never had the finger in the butt thing. Now I'm wondering if I am missing out on something?
Do you get as scared as I do when the letter comes in the mail from the Pap screening library place? I have a mini heart attack every time.
I freakin' love the business cards!
And what is UP with the butt fingering only happening SOMETIMES? I've had doctors who did it and doctors who didn't. Are the ones who do it putting me through it unnecessarily, or are the ones who don't giving me a substandard exam??
I had my CT scans today because I'm 6 months out from my last ones. But I had to ask insistently for them. My oncologist says that since I'm so young (29 now) he doesn't want me to have scans every 6 months because over the course of your lifetime, the radiation can have a cumulatively damaging effect on the ol' bod. He doesn't even want me to get scans ONCE A YEAR unless I have symptoms! But everyone else I know gets them, even if they're my age!!!
Sorry. I have what they call scanxiety right now because, as I mentioned, I had my scans today and I won't get the results until Monday.
Oh, and thanks for the tag - I will respond!
Funambulator, good luck with your scans! I'll keep my fingers crossed for you.
And the butt thing? Not worth the price of admission.
Was the butt invasion an accident? Or was it on purpose. I really want to know because I'm looking for a new doctor and I wanna make sure I can opt out of that procedure!
How are you feeling since the surgery? I know it's been a while, but sometimes it takes a long time. I still have probs with my c-section scar (endometriosis). Ouch.
Loren, the butt thing was definitely on purpose. It was weird, but not as bad as I'd imagined.
I'm feeling pretty good post-hysterectomy these days. I was really tired for a lot of months, but now I'm 100%. My scars, which are small, only itch occasionally.
Did ya order the cards yet? They are lovely. I specially like the "outlaw for your love" part. You have one of the bestest senses of humor I know.
Have not had a female appointment in a very long time. Ugh. But I'll go...and remember to not think of kittens.
You go on being brave, we'll go on reading you and loving you.
Oh, and Witchypoo is right on.
I say yay to the business cards!
Glad your appointment went well.
excellent card!
glad for the not dying part...
I love the business card design! When you order them, will you send me one?
Also, I'm glad you can write about speculums and pink parts on your blog. You're just keeping it real :)
Totally love the business card design.
The business card looks great. My only suggestion would be to use a picture of your Underwood. However, I this would take a lot more work, it wouldn't really look better (it would just be more personal) and the card is fine as it is, so I can understand if you want to pass on that suggestion.
I think they do take it easier on teens by using a smaller speculum and not doing the anal exam.
When I went to my first appointment I read a lot of literature on what to expect so I was prepared for the possible pinching and width of the speculum, but that was fine. Then I was ready for the whole finger up the butt thing and they skipped that whole part.
So I am assuming they wanted to be very thorough so they gave you the entire by the book examination. Fun!
I'm glad to hear everything went good though. I have an appointment of my own this month.
Oh and P.S. I adore the business card.
Wow - those cards are perfect! I wish I had a hundredth of your creativity and humor.
Believe it or not, the up the butt thing depends on how recently and (to a lesser extent) where your gyno trained. The younger gynos are taught to do it in med school, so they do it automatically. It gives a second vantage point for prodding your inner bits, as well as a check for colon polyps. They've only recently recognized that men aren't the only ones who need that exam. Ta-dah - that is my useless bit of doctor trivia for the day.
So happy the appointment went well (well as in cancer free, not well as in the butt poking speculum biting parts)! (big sigh of relief)
And the cards do rock - however I do think you should add "Funkilicious to the nth power" and "Kitten thiever".
And have I told you lately that I loves to read yer thoughts? Yep, sure do.
Honey, if it wasn't for scar tissue, my body would collapse from lack of support.
love your card! I like that typewriter - it's smiling at me:)
I love the cards and I'm glad the doctor visit was good.
AWESOME CARD! There, I shouted it.
I have a friend going into surgery today for--yup--hysterectomy due to a mass on her ovary. Dagnabbit, there's just too much of this crappola going around.
After reading through the comments, you should add after "Outlaw for your love" (totally loving!) - "And Cancer Free!"
I have *never* been able to handle an adult-sized speculum. (How's that for TMI? Ha.) I switched to a new doctor last year (when finally one took new patients & they actually spoke English which is a rarity in Central Florida & a perk I like to have since I think it's important to be able to understand what your doctor says to you, not trying to be controversial) and this office was wonderful. I requested they use the smaller size speculum. They *warmed* it before hand. And instead of a cocktail napkin to throw over my knees & the useless paper gown that doesn't even reach your thighs, I got a pillow, a blanket & a COTTON gown that I swear went to the floor. Who knew such a place existed?? Which is a long way of saying "they make smaller speculums". =P
~**dawn**~, they have smaller speculums! Next time, I'm demanding both the smaller speculum AND a warm-up.
Hope the results are good! I have to ask though - what do they take a sample of in a pap smear if you don't have a cervix?
When you go in next time ask for the "narrow" or "teen" speculum. When I had my LEEP last year my cervix ran away and tipped down in an effort to escape, and they had to maneuver it with a "long narrow" speculum - essentially grabbing it with the end and levering it to where they could see it. Maybe I should have taken that valium after all.
Nice cards BTW.
Derende, when you no longer have a cervix, they still swab the back end of your vaginal canal to make sure that no new abnormal cells are forming.
Because of the speculum pinching me during my very first internal, I'm extremely nervous and apprehensive each and every time I have an internal done.
I was sixteen when this happened and I'm now forty-one so you'd think that at some point in the last twenty-five years, I'd have gotten over it. Not.
Thankfully I have a very nice doctor who is very patient and very gentle and doesn't lose it at having to repeatedly tell me to relax, so that she can continue easing the speculum in.
Oh and did you know that there's a light on the speculum?!
Health: important
business card: perfect
Couldn't get in to see your cards. I like the graphic on the blog, tho. Stay as you are forever!
Cards = total yay!
Love the cards - lots of information but interesting to look at as opposed to "busy." Glad you are not dying, either.
Yay for not dying and yay on the business cards!
The most perfect business cards ever.