The Skinny Kitten Story (In Which I Am Both A Liar And A Kitten Thief)
Tuesday, May 20, 2008 
I do not know exactly why, but the story behind how that skinny kitten came to be shoved into a pet carrier in my living room is one I am uncomfortable telling, which, really, if you look back at my recent story about my vibrator, which was written at my parents'-in-law house *, does not intuitively make sense. Of course, I owned the object in question in the vibrator story, but I do/did not own the object in question in the skinny kitten story.
Let's get one thing clear before I go on. I feel that I must confess to the climax of the story before the lead-up, which is really going to kill all of the suspense, but so be it.
A couple of friends and I stole the cat. To be honest, it was not solely my idea, but when faced with leaving a shivering kitten with a messed up large man who was trying to sell her for beer money at a pub or making off with her down the street, the decision seemed pretty clear.
I think I will just keep moving backwards from the middle of the story, and when I get to the beginning, I will jump ahead to the point pictured in the photograph above, just so's we're all clear on how this thing's going to roll.
Anyway, I was holding this kitten, and she was shaking so hard that her whole body was making a sound from her vibrations. This was not a purring sound. This was a racket of bones and muscle from a starving animal who was terrified of being carried down the street and handed to strangers. This means that I fell in love with her immediately and decided that I had to keep her for my very own, because this is how I come to choose all my pets. If an animal is scared, abused, starving, overweight, or rejected by others of its kind, I take them home, and, on one occasion, I even named a mean, outcast zebra finch George.
I want this kitten, I said to him. How much will you give me? he asked. How much do you want? I asked. Twenty bucks, he said. Then, he put on this little display in a babyish voice to impress me with how much he loved this little kiddy widdy, and he made me promise that I would name her Muddy. I said that I would knowing full well that I wouldn't. I lied.
Before that is kind of blurry in my memory, because last Wednesday was a normal Wednesday like many others before it, and it only became a point of focus when a large man messed up on drugs, alcohol, or both walked up with a terrified kitten on his shoulder. I noticed that one of his eyes had drooped more than the other since the last time I had seen him around, and that is when I started remembering everything.
I think I wanted to steal the kitten from the moment I saw it, even before the stealing-the-kitten plan fell together with my two friends and we found ourselves speed-walking up the street and around the corner as part of the ruse that we were going to take money out of the bank to give to the cretin who was trying to sell a kitten for beer money. We believed that the kittens-for-beer industrial complex had to be brought down, and that meant theft of a kitten. We were like modern day Robin Hoods, only our goal was not to steal from the rich and give to the poor but to steal kittens from the intoxicated and keep them for ourselves.
Alright. I just said the eye-gouging bit for dramatic effectrf8t cccccccccccccccccuy7x. (The new kitten just hopped across the keyboard, so I thought I would leave that part in. Translated, that says OH HAI, I TYPES GUD. SEE?) This new kitten is more of a hisser and a yowler. You are more likely to get spit in your eye than anything else.
Oh, and another thing? You will notice that the kitten is sitting next to the Palinode. They like each other, and he has not shown any noticeable amount of animosity toward me with regard to the spontaneous addition of a third cat to this family, even though we live in an APARTMENT and do not have two or three floors over which to distribute all the critters. We just love crowding them into five rooms like a badger exhibit at the zoo.
We are still trying to name her. The Palinode says David Tennant! I say No! The Palinode says A. A. Ferret, as in Actually A Ferret! I say Absolutely not! The Palinode says Beef Texan! I say Wha-huh? I figured that since we had covered animal (Oskar, a human name) and vegetable (Onion), we should probably cover minerals to round the trio out, but names like Boron and Astatine just do not float our respective boats.
In short:
I tried to draw up a chart to illustrate the complexity that is the kittens-for-beer industrial complex, but I ran out of paper somewhere around the Caspian Sea, and then I spilled coffee on the part about kitten-smuggling in northern England and its ties with indigenous groups in Yucatán, so you will just have to research it for yourselves.
---------------------
* I put one part of a sentence beginning with which inside another part of a sentence beginning with which, which must be wrong, and then in that same sentence I put to myself the difficult task of having to indicate that the house belonged to my parents-in-law with an apostrophe that I am not entirely confident about. Are you confident about the apostrophe in "my parents'-in-law house"? Part of my brain wants to tell me that I am right, while the other part of my brain tells me that I'm fucked.
Reader Comments (35)
Awwwwwwwwww. I am such a sucker for kittens. I had been waiting for you to post your story about your new kitten, just because I love kittens, and you tell such good stories, so what could be better?
But I'm actually with the Palinode that David Tennant would be an awesome name for a kitten.
She is beautiful. I am glad you took her. I am such a sucker for animals and people alike who are abused and uncared for. Poor little thing. I love her eyes. Like the colour of caramel. Good luck with the naming!
I love kitten rescue stories. She's absolutely adorable. If you really want to do animal/vegetable/mineral maybe Topaz or Citrine for those pretty eyes.
We once rescued a box of kittens a guy was trying to release down by the LA River and creepily seemed to be trying to show to the young kids nearby. We were on a walk so it was a long stroll back with a cardboard box full of mews and flopping around.
We live in a tiny cottage and have an old grump cat so we took the kittens to a local no-kill shelter I used to volunteer at. I think they thought we were the irresponsible kitten breeders even though we told them the story. After all, who finds kittens in a box down by the river? Only us. Who rescues kittens from drunk madmen, only you! Congrats on the lovely new arrival.
A-fucking-men sister! I would have been right there with you rescuing that cat from that awful human! She looks almost exactly like our beloved Mushu. She too was a black cat with a white dot on her chest, but was a shorthair. Sadly, she tried to attack some pigeons that were standing on the windowsill and went right through the ratty-ass window screen that came with the freaking apartment and fell from our third storey window. But I digress, you are awesome, I love you, I love you, I love you. Don't worry, I am in San Francisco, I won't be showing at your doorstep any time soon :) You are no thief, you are a hero, a kitten rescuer, a rocking human!
She looks good. I'm glad she's with you.
I also gravitate toward animals that look degenerate. The more broken down and pitiful they are, the more I want to accept them. I have been made fun of for that. I guess it is telling. Ah, well.
That was nice of you to rescue it. Also, I think the phrase you're looking for is "in-laws' house." It's all about the simplification.
I love cats especially kittens that need rescuing. I once visited a parking lot every nite for a week to entice wild kittens in the winter into my kind care. Your guy is much more accepting than mine! She is very pretty. I'm a sucker for black cats. Schmutzie- how am I going to participate again in 5 star Friday if yours are the best I read?
So, Skinny Bitch is off the table? I liked Skinny Bitch. It has lots of attitude. But those eyes are wicked compelling. Too bad Satan's Familiar is already taken heh, heh.
How about Onyx for a name?
Cute as a button, she is. And you are to be commended for lying and stealing...context is all.
Hurray for stealing kittens! I'm thrilled she got a safe home with you guys.
Aren't gemstones minerals? So she could be Ruby, Peridot or Azurite or something.
I hope something comes to you. :)
I recently rescued a kitten who looks a lot like that from a similarly perilous situation. We're in an entirely different country, though, so I doubt they're closely related.
How about Mica for a mineral name? S/he's a shiny bright spot in the dreary gloom of the kittens for beer industrial complex.
I think your apostrophe is off.
I would write: 'parents-in-law's', because it's the possessive of the plural form ("parents-in-law").
If you used the shortened form, you'd just say "in-laws' house", but since you're using the full form, it's correct to pluralise the noun and not the modifier ('parents' rather than 'in law'), and then make the entire term possessive, because it's acting as a noun cluster. ("parents-in-law's")
Geekily yours,
c
most excellent reading material this blustery wednesday morning!! i commend thee for thy bravery and honour in the face of drunken kitten-selling men. You are truly a hero among felines!! Please make haste with the naming of your furry new found family member - i am anxiously awaiting....
yours,
diva
Also, I think Boron is a perfectly cromulent name for a cat.
Please don't take this personally but I hate cats. They're like PMS-ing ex girlfriends with fur. They like you when they want and then when you aren't looking piss in your shoe.
Anyway, as much as I dislike felines, I love this post. For your random little tangents to the simplicity of the kind sentiment behind the (justifiable) act of stealing a pet. Ignoring the theft part, it's a slice of human behavior that is all to often missing.
"... I fell in love with her immediately and decided that I had to keep her for my very own, because this is how I come to choose all my pets. If an animal is scared, abused, starving, overweight, or rejected by others of its kind, I take them home..."
This makes me sad, wondering what the Palinode's scarred past must be like.
Was she found on a street with a good name?
I hope y'all have many, many wonderful years together, you lawless cat-napper, you.
And the rest of your cats' names are so simple - what about Turtle?
Her eyes are the same colour as some we have around here...
viva la kittyknappers!
Molybdenum - Moly for short:-)
What a great story! Kittens make me do things I wouldn't usually do (see this comic: http://xkcd.com/231/), so I don't blame you for lying or thieving.
Also, instead of "parent's-in-law house", since I would freak out not knowing the correct place to put the apostrophe either, I would say "my husband's parents' house". Problem solved!
I am reading this,my eyes welled up with tears and then I start laughing. That is everything I want from the written word. Great story, well told.
I hear tell Angelina Jolie wants to call her next baby "Pollox". What ya think?
That's an adorable kitty.
Love reading your blog.
Loob :)
I thought I had it bad by having three mammals in an apartment...I stand corrected :). Great story and very cute kitty!
I like Topaz. She sure is cute!
I think you're awesome for saving that kitty. We too have two people and three cats in an apartment and I wouldn't trade it for anything. We got our last one, Zinnia, who looks at lot like your new one, when we went to the vet and she needed a home. I couldn't help myself. The other two I rescued from a mean shelter and from a scary farm.
Thank God I know a kitten thief! Only humans can be so cruel! You might want to return to the scene of the crime because few kittens are born ONE AT A TIME. The bastard's probably got a few more to sell. And if they don't sell, well, what's one more dead puddy tat.
The more I'm around people, the more I love my cat/dog/alligator/whatever.
How? How did you steal her? Did you pull out some kicking, kung fu-style? Did you distract the Bad Man with a shiny object and then simply run? More people should steal kittens, frankly. You could write a primer.
barbaraca, you know, I just realized that I didn't exactly mention how she was stolen. That's probably because the theft was so easy. We just walked away with it as though we were going to the bank to get money to pay him for it. Easy peasey.
Although you & I had a brief chat about your new kitty's temporary name (Skinny Bitch), I hadn't read this post until this morning. (I know, I suck, sorry)
I did the same thing years ago.. saved (stole) a itty bitty kitty from a drug addict. Would do it again in a heartbeat.
But I have to say, as I'm reading your account of how this precious little one came into your life, a name kept echoing over & over in my head. I don't know why ... but Stella. She looks like a Stella.
Another odd thing - your two other cats? Nearly mirror images of my two, George and Sara.
Hmm, Northern_Girl beat me to the Onyx suggestion (mineral AND in keeping with the other O's), but there's also Obsidian... Sid for short? She looks fiery and I'm glad she found you guys. :)
Okay, I just scrolled back and found kitten pictures - she is adorable and oh, so lucky that she met you! I wish all animals were so lucky! Love the pics. Hope she and your other pets adjust to each other without any problems. :)
I have a baby kitty (well now she's grown and with my ex-husband but I digress) who looks (looked) exactly like that one...I named her Guinness after the beer...because that's really what her coloring turned out looking like. SO there's a suggestion for you.
As a longtime dragger-home of the more pitiful members of the animal kingdom, I love this story.
And I would have had to totally reconstruct that problematic sentence, because it would have made me CRAZY. That's how *I* roll...I give up and start over.
Good for you and the rescue! I may have even added in a kick in the shin of the guy, then run like hell!
If you are going for mineral: obsidian (sharp, black, glossy, volcanic glass). That's my vote.
Kitty! Awww. One time where feline thievery is to be applauded. :D
I was going to say, "the home of my parents-in-law"...looks like other people came up with some good apostrophe suggestions. ;p