I Am Not A Breeder
Wednesday, April 23, 2008 Do you know who can bloody well screw off? The woman I ran into earlier who looked at my shirt, then at my belly, squinted her face into a cutesified smile, and asked if I had any exciting news to share.
Is she asking me if I'm pregnant? I thought.
I hardly know this woman. I wanted to eat her and floss my teeth afterward with the string from her fake pearl necklace.
I am wearing a slim-fitting pair of pants today in deep brownish-charcoal, and my shirt is black, fitted on the top, and flares out slightly below the bust. From what I have seen while out shopping over the last few months, this is a common style these days.
If people making cutesy faces and hinting about children drove me nuts before my brush with cancer, it just about makes me homicidal now. I never really wanted children in the first place, and I find most non-adults quite alien, but now that I am coming up on the one-year anniversaries of my colposcopy, LEEP, cancer diagnosis, and hysterectomy, that whole infantilizing what-have-you-got-under-your-shirt sing-song sets my neurons on fire.
I do not mean to insult anyone by the following statements, but this is what I want to have on the cover of the pamphlets I feel like giving out on just such occasions:
I AM NOT A BREEDER: How To Keep Your Assumptions Out Of Acquaintance's Vaginas And Other Tips For Living With The Possibly Barren And Otherwise Childless Childfree.
I am easy to set off these days.
So now I have spent the better part of the afternoon wondering exactly how pregnant do I look in this shirt? And can I ever wear it again now that I think it makes me look preggers? Because, lord knows, I do not want to run into this again.
I can think of nearly no other situation in which I would walk up to someone I did not know very well, ogle an individual part of their anatomy, and then make comments about what they were doing with it. I might tell them if they had lettuce stuck to their moustache, but that's about as far as I would go. You will hear no That's quite the set of breasts on you, Meredith! Did you have them enlarged? from me (at least not if you are only an acquaintance of mine and your name is not Meredith).
In short, I apparently look pregnant in this damn shirt, which shirt was once one of my favourite shirts. And I am a little touchy about it.
Damn the cancer, and the uteruslessness, and the never wanting babies anyway.
Reader Comments (44)
Where do people get off? I have one child. And that is indeed all I am having. Don't assume that someone wants MORE or ANY for that matter because of how they are dressed, not dressed, how old their child is or WHATEVER>
Next time you wear that shirt, (AND WEAR IT YOU SHOULD.) and someone says something rude don't think twice about shooting back with something like "No. I don't have anything to share with you. What is it you are smuggling under that SHIRT?"
It's just plain rude to intimate that a woman is pregnant, regardless of whether they are or aren't; regardless of whether they want or do not want, like or do not like children. I'm sorry you were accosted by a well meaning idiot.
Some people! I swear! I'm sure you look fantastic in the shirt - it's not the shirt - it's just a busybody raised with no manners! I personally think the pamphlet idea is a good one - just keep a couple in your purse for times such as these. :)
i love styles like that because they hide my non-pregnant but chubby belly very well, and I know a lot of women are wearing stuff like that for that purpose today so that chick was in dangerous territory saying that. it is NOT safe to assume anyone with a smocked or a-line cut top these days is preggers like it might have been 30 years ago.
I agree, it was rude of her to assume, and the style of shirt probably doesn't help. I can't wait for the empire waist and swing jackets to go out again. They make everyone look pregnant and the only time that's good is when you actually are pregnant. I just went through the trouble of losing a lot of weight and now that I'm thinner I don't need my clothing to put the weight back on me. It drives me nuts.
*gasp*
OH NO!! No one in their right mind should EVER say something like that to someone. I once heard a comedian say that he never referenced a woman's possible pregnancy unless he could see the baby actually being born. (that's obviously a paraphrase)
I have found that people will say the most ridiculous things at the most inopportune times...and I'm sorry you were a victim of that!
She is obviously the one with the issues...NOT you.
People can be horribly rude sometimes.
I am embarrassed to admit I've been on both sides of your scenario: not only have I had total strangers ask me if I'm pregnant when I'm not --and even today I had someone exhort me to have more babies SOON; but I've also accidentally asked someone (who works at a baby store and looked honesttogoodnessarg about five months pregnant) if she was expecting.
Again, people (me, included) can be horribly rude. All I can say is, "I'm sorry" (and sorry for making this so long too).
I assume you said something like: "Actually, I'm not pregnant, owing to my medically necessary hysterectomy. When is your, baby due, though?"
I have been there! I have three kids, and am nowhere on the skinny side, but I am not obese either. However, no matter what I wear, I constantly have strangers, and some friends, asking me when my due date is. My reaction is to turn red and say through clenched teeth "No. I am not pregnant." then I walk away and never talk to them again. I have decided that I should have a sign on my forehead that says "NOT PREGNANT, JUST FAT". Maybe they would leave me alone.
I have had lots of folk say outrageous things to me because I do readings. Things like "Are you for real?" Wouldn't a fraud lie? I decided they were just horribly socially awkward people who wished to connect in some way.
The woman is clearly a twat.
yes, stupid comment indeed.......but there's a difference between stupidity and intended cruelty. i'm sure she meant no harm.
I'm sorry you ran into such an insensitive clod. I hope you can get past the stigma she put on your shirt.
Stupid people will see what they want to see. There's nothing wrong with what you wear, there's something wrong with them.
A few weeks ago my MIL asked if we had any news to share despite knowing that we're now pursuing adoption after infertility treatment didn't work. I swear you could cut out your uterus and hand it to them and they still wouldn't get it.
Ha, I could use some of those pamphlets, too. One of my acquaintances is constantly telling me "I need to catch up" to the other women in town who are my age who have had multiple children. She says this having no knowledge of whether or not I want or can even have children, or how I feel about the situation. Frigging drives me nuts.
And I'm sure that shirt looks great on you.
I wouldn't give up your favorite shirt over this woman. I know you, Schmutzie, you can come up with a better line next time, something like "Yes, I am pregnant, I'm just not sure from which of the six men I've been sleeping with."
I think the problem is that modern society is so consumer-child oriented, that people just assume that everyone's life path is the same -- which involves marriage, then baby.
And this proves that in some cases, ignorance is not bliss. It's downright homicide-inducing.
Also, because of greeneggsandtam, the word "twat" is stuck in my head. It's a good word.
I don't have children either. Approaching my 40th I was weirdly open about talking about it and some personal reassessments I was making. And then I would get these concerned looks. They know that 40th is like a best before date.
I'm always amazed by the bluntness of the questions. If I'm 40 and I don't have kids, why don't you assume it was a choice. Don't ask me. I don't really want to talk about it.
xo
the hell is wrong with people? Jeesh.
In the last 6 weeks, two people have asked me if I'm having a baby. I've gained about 10 lbs in the last year and most of it on my belly (due to the c-section birth of my second child, that tummy area is just a train wreck). I have no desire to have another child (kill me now, thankyou) and am sick to death of people asking if I'm going to give Lila a little brother or sister. The first person had the huge hairy balls when I said "no, I'm not" to reach out and touch my tummy and say "are you sure? did you take a test?"
#$%&*$%&$#
people are nosy frakkin' assholes. wear your shirt and tell them you're gassy (do the *pull my finger* thing--that ought to shut them right up).
Oh my gawd. I've had this question so many times. My standard answer is "no, no, I'm just fat."
To which standard reply is, "Oh, no! You're not fat!"
I love that. Because we both know you just said I look pregnant, so obviously....
This sounds awful, but I'd love to see their faces if you said, "no, and in fact I had a hysterectomy last year." Double whammy! Serves them right.
P.S. there's something a friend of mine said about the etiquette of this matter that I will never forget. She said, "until you see a freakin' HEAD crowning, keep your G.D. mouth shut!"
My response to this ignorant clod is: "No, but can you be a more obnoxious bint?"
The shirt looks great on you! The baby doll styling predominant in fashion trends today does lend itself to the "what are you trying to hide" questions. In fact I won't even wear the style because when I tried one on - I DID look pregnant;) I already get enough of those "looks" because I'm fat.
I just wanted to thank you for your comment about my hooters. They are amazing and no I did not have the twins enhanced in any way.
LOL ;)
~Moxie/Meredith
Ignore her...I find that breeders (admittedly I am one) like to push their agenda on everybody.
When I dared voice an opinion recently in company that being part of a childless married couple was the happiest possible situation to find oneself in, I was almost annhilated on the spot by the immediate and vociferous disdain of all.
I found it ironic that many of these people have complained bitterly to me recently about their offspring or related issues. But they let me know that children are our sole resson for existence.Yikes.
Clearly people everywhere are dumbasses.
O.M.G. Don't you just want to shred her little head?
My response to similar encounters has been a deadpan "No, I'm just fat," (which embarrasses them into greater sensitivity), or a cold stare (what the hell are you touching me for?). Get all Miss-Manners on their ass.
And *please* don't give up wearing that shirt if you really like it! Otherwise the twinkly idiots will win. Where can I get some of those pamphlets?
I'd like to order 50 of those pamphlets, please. Although, can you change the "Childless" to "Childfree"?
Much more positive & in keeping with my feelings on the subject.
Schmutzie, this happened to me a few years ago and it still makes my (evidently bulbous/protruding) stomach hurt to think about it.
But check this out: Once I accidentally went the other way, to my peril. I was at a baby shower when I saw that one of the guests (not the new mommy) was thickening up in the middle. I thought she might be pregnant, but she was heavyset before and I didn't want to assume! So later when she mentioned something about an ultrasound or whatever, I was like, "Oh! You're pregnant! Congratulations!" And she looked totally horrified and snapped in front of everybody, "Uh, YEAH, what, did you think I was just this fat???" Gulp.
Almost every woman I know has been asked, while not pregnant, if she was pregnant, including myself.
And, like Amy above me, I have gone the other way and quasi-insulted a pregnant woman who was all, "What, you thought I was just fat?" when I expressed delighted surprise at her announcement.
Really, the rule should be never comment, ever, on anyone's reproductive status unless they bring up their reproductive status first. Women who want to discuss their pregnancies will never be remiss in bringing it up in conversation, and any woman who doesn't bring it up doesn't want to talk about it.
This same thing happened to me. I decided my adorable shirt was fine and the woman had the manners of a wet pig.
When you write the pamphlet I will pay for a gross of them to hand out as well.
I agree with greenandsandtam...the woman is a twat!
I just discovered your blog and love it. First of all, as a non-breeder myself, I would like you to know that I look pregnant whatever I wear. Or don't wear. I look like I could be carrying twins. You are in good company. (Added you to my blogroll.) Keep the good stuff coming.
Let me add my sympathies to the list and suggest that you invent a tapeworm or something for the next insensitive breeder. Nothing puts an end to annoying small talk like a well-placed reference to internal parasites, especially if you supply some choice (albeit fictional) details.
And I like to have room for my fetus-free, yet expansive, belly. Long live the high waistline!
I bet you looked divine in that top and the wench was just jealous. Wenches do get jello, you know.
Hey, Jane got asked if she was pregnant too!
http://www.plain-jane.com/
Impertinent bitch.
Justifiable homicide.
Unequivocally.
'Lena
I am, today, 30 weeks preg. Yesterday at a meeting I explained I'd be going on leave this summer, had plans in place for my absence, etc. After the meeting a colleague walked over and said, "Oh, I hope you're going somewhere exciting on leave!" I managed not to look at my belly (standing out front of me in a fitted white t-shirt) as I said "well, if you think going home with a new baby is exciting..."
I suppose maybe she was being safe. But truly, people are oblivious to some of the most obvious things, and put foot in mouth more often than not. Hope you keep wearing the shirt anyway. Sounds like a cute outfit... something I'd like to wear about six months from now.
yeah.. I know how you feel... I'm still in high school, and I've had a teacher (A. TEACHER!) Ask if I was pregnant. I'm a very curvy person, not pregnant!
My favorite reply (I get that from people too) Is:
"No, I fight to much"
Kate and others are so, so right: never, ever comment on a woman's reproductive status, period (no pun intended!).
Early in my pregnancy, before I had told anyone at my workplace I was pregnant, I was "outed" by a very loud cashier in front of colleagues and acquaintances in line behind me. Once I informed her through gritted teeth that I hadn't told anyone yet (I was only just starting to show), she very loudly announced to the lineup behind me that her lips were sealed, but she already knew the sex of my child.
God, some people are stupid and obnoxious. I'm sorry, Schmutzie, that you had to run into one of these people. Stupidity is no excuse.
Please, I BEG YOU publish the pamphlet. I'm not having kids. I'm OK with that so why do people keep giving me crap about it?
I'm just rude back. I say "Actually, no, I can't have children. How nosy and insensitive of you to ask." It's rude, but so are they, and it won't get me arrested, unlike PUNCHING, which is what I feel like doing. Sometimes I tell them they're fat but I didn't ask them if THEY were pregnant, did I? It makes me foam at the mouth.
Sorry she was such a dumb wench.
I think maybe no one should comment on another's appearance, period. But especially when it is a woman and it has anything to do with the shape of her body.
came here from your "best of." I'm getting ready to write a post sort of on this topic, not the rudeness of people and shirts, but of women making the decision to not have kids. We gotta stick together!