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Next Year, I’m Telling February To Take A Hike
Thursday, February 21, 2008 I have written about this before, but I cannot emphasize it enough. February is a difficult month. It is already the 21st, but I am not feeling hopeful yet that I will dig myself out of my wallow for a little while yet, because January was not so hot, either, and March is not always so forthcoming with the relief.
You will have to excuse me if I sound like I am complaining. I am.
At this time of year, I do my best to move ahead with things. I go to work, I see friends, and I eat food, but my heart is not in it. My mind is usually wanders off to bed or a hot bath or anything else that accomplishes nothing but offers the possiblity of taking my mind away from its everything-is-futile default setting.
I worry that my medication is not working, even though I know that it is; it is just struggling against February's oppression. I worry that no one loves me, or even likes me, because I am obviously irritating and selfish and boring. I worry that I am far uglier than I think, and that any physical confidence I have is baseless. I worry that I have an as-yet-to-be-diagnosed terminal disease. I worry that my pets will turn on me. I worry that the toaster will electrocute me. I worry that all my written words are worthless.
Just yesterday, I was setting the dye in a Guatemalan bedspread with vinegar and salt in the washing machine. I stuck my finger in the little hole that the lid triggers to start the machine so that I could watch the agitation. I was there for twenty minutes before I noticed that I had not moved or thought in all that time. My brain wants to run far afield of reality right now, even if all it does is watch the back-and-forth swish of water in the drum.
This will subside. The sun will shine more often, the cold will give way to warmth, and I will break out my spring clothing and regain my faith in moving forward through life. I know this. It will happen.
But (a word that hangs covertly behind every good thought) I must first work my way through to that day when spring and summer lift me out of winter. Until then, I will continue to use my full spectrum lamp, take comforting baths, and let knitting carry me into the limbo of nothought.
Before I go, let me ask you: how do you deal with seasonal depression? I have been figuring that one out for thirty-five winters, but it could not hurt to try what you've got.
(This entry is also posted at RealMental.org)
I am a participant in Blog 365.
Reader Comments (33)
I am certain I would be drinking daily and thinking of suicide if I didn't go to the gym. I'm not being sarcastic, I really feel that way. It's how I make my body feel better about handling my head.
I seriously don't know how people live up there. Growing up in Arizona and now living in Southern California, I only have my brain chemistry to blame for my bad moods. I wish I had some good advice, but I get to go for a run outside if I'm feeling bad.
I've discovered yoga. And this is huge as I hate exercise. Hate. Yoga is marvelous because you do a lot of breathing and oxygen is wonderful and you stretch and bend and it's quiet and soothing and dark-ish and in about an hour you're done and it didn't even feel like an hour and then you go home floating and then you sleep like a log.
February is having its way with me as well. I have no advice, but I'll be reading to see what you get. My husband told me today that I looked like someone had stolen my puppy then cut my puppy into pieces and then mailed the puppy pieces to me. And I was thinking that today was going a bit better...
I've done that with the washing machine.
March is never good for me and this year holds no promise of changing that.
Claire (my two year old) and I went swimming today at an indoor pool. I'm not sure why I didn't think of it sooner. Outside, it's still February, but inside it was a balmy, glorious May.
It was awesome!
I know exactly what you're talking about. February is about 25 days too long!
I get through it by working out (mostly I'm motivated to do it this time of year if for nothing else than to feel warm--HOT, even!--, and I mostly reach out to my friends who give me lots of support and AMAZING advice (and wine recommendations.)
See my post today for something on this topic that will most likely help you crack a smile.
Jules
http://bigpikchur.blogspot.com" REL="nofollow">House of Jules
"...anything else that accomplishes nothing..." is the story of my life in February. Sigh.
Sleep, go to work, have my lunch, go to the gym, cook at home, take a bath, read a book, go to sleep, go to work, go to the gym, go out to eat, knit, read a book, go to sleep. Repeat.
I wish I could offer you a week or two in Australia over February (without the cost and inconvenience of travel). We have more than enough sunshine to share. Although sometimes the glare sets me off ... I recommend more Pingu,I love watching it on DVD with my 2yo(when I should be doing other sensible grown up things), knack knack.
I usually have that problem in January. When I was travelling and very busy, it helped - less time to think about things, because there were urgent things to do, like figure out where I was sleeping that night. Also, I tell the people closest to me - parents and partner - when January is coming up, to look out for my SAD, and remind me when it's going on of *why* it's going on - that I'm not just randomly feeling that way, but there is a cause. Remembering that it passes really helps diminish the immediacy of it at the time. I also am finding that exercise helps with my ordinary sads - swimming, which once frightened the bejeezus out of me, now helps me establish a feeling of calm instead of jitters.
I hear ya. I hate February, and March can screw off too. Bring me April!
I seem to solve everything with wine. Dad's off his rocker and I have to go to Texas? Drink wine. Finances in turmoil? Drink wine. Amos won't eat? Drink wine.
I may have a problem. Heh.
You hit the nail on the head -- February just seems to hang there with its -40 windchills and ominous hopelessness for any sort of future. I just told someone today, in complete seriousness, that if it doesn't get better soon I'm going to lose my flippin' mind.
Anyway, I got something pierced last night. Here's hoping that'll see me through for awhile. That and your fabulous pink cupcakes - if those aren't the antithesis of February, I don't know what are.
Don't wait for spring to dig out the spring clothes - find something you can layer under a sweater that is bright and has some brilliant deck days memories attached to it. Get out the pinhole camera - February is starting to warm up in the afternoon and the light is different than any other time of the year - nice a flat and perfect for BW/Grey shots. Buy a bouquet of spring flowers - $10 or less and just the sight and scent will hopefully lift the spirit and at least give you something more interesting to look at.(PUT some BIG rocks in the bottom of the vase so Oscar & Onion don't make them go kersplash)
My favorite - go out on the balcony or stand in the middle of Victoria Park and sing - out loud - and usually off key, then just smile at all the people who are shaking their heads and muttering to themselves about how crazy you are. It kills them.
I do yoga. But I think seasonal depression may actually kill me at some point. It's so strange that I know this and yet believe I cannot move to a place whether this will be less of a problem. Maybe in August I'll think moving is actually possible but then it will be October and I'll be unable to figure out how to do it.
But yoga is very, very strange. I kind of think a little bit like I imagine normal people do if I do yoga 4 times a week for a month. I usually can't find the the time. But if you are thinking you have to meditate or even pay attention I don't do any of these things and I pretty much spend the whole time in yoga thinking about all the crap I need to do and waiting for it to be over (while also roughly stretching the way the teacher says to or failing to do so)...and then all of the sudden I start becoming sort of normal. No pharmaceutical ever worked quite that well.
I've been having the exact same feelings about February. I've chosen retail therapy and mass quantities of wine as my coping mechanisms.
Responsible, no. But, at least I look cute and the wine helps me to not feel so guilty about spending money.
Gosh, I can't really think of anything that helps a huge amount. I end up working on a high front end reward system for tiny, tiny tasks just so I can feel the forward motion. Today I'm taking a snow day. We're only getting 5 inches and I live in NYC so that's not going to shut anything down but I'm calling it anyway, just because I can.
I try to take it easy. I spend time alone if I need to or spend an entire day sleeping. By the end of that day or days, I'm usually itching to get out of the house so then I go to the movies or try to socialize. I know it's hard in the northern parts to want to be out in the cold but what else is there really? I'd throw out my usual 'drinking helps' but then you're drunk and miserable then hungover and miserable.
Every other year, I felt the same way (and I remember asking my mother, a psychologist, about the full-spectrum light just in November). This year, I started running outside and I think that's what shifted things a bit. But the temps here rarely go below 20 degrees, which helps, too...
For me, the act of forcing myself to keep moving forward helps. I also like to tan. I know it's terrible, but it is so warm and relaxing. And the little bit of color I get makes me feel skinnier.
Thank you all for your input. It's becoming increasingly clear the I am going to have to incorporate more exercise into my day. My butt says "But why would you tear me away from the armchair, my one true love?"
Long time reader - first time commenter. Two words for Feb. -- Rosamunde Pilcher. OK - so I do have a degree in Eng. Lit. and I KNOW -- but, to kick Feb. in the ass with no exercise and a schmaltzy British accent -- I highly recommend this!
I crawl into bed early and immerse myself in genre fiction (mysteries set in Florida are good). This year we've taken a couple of brief weekend trips, too, which have helped immensely.
"I was there for twenty minutes before I noticed that I had not moved or thought in all that time."
Eurkea! You've discovered a unique new form of meditation--agitation therapy! Except the "agitation" doesn't convey calm. You might want to come up with a better descriptor.
I'm sitting in front of my Apollo SunTouch lamp right now.
I turn it on every time I sit down in front of the computer.
I don't know if it actually helps, but I do like the brightness.
I mark the end of the year, in my soul, on Halloween. Then, as everything grows darker and colder, I think of it as slowly gaining strength for the eventual unfurling. I take walks in any (even weak) sunlight, every day there is some. I burn candles at night, along with electric lights, and I drink wine, and I wait.
Thanks so much....reading this blog made me realize that I am not completely mad! I go into hibernation in November and only spring...whenever it happens..brings me back to life. I always thot it was because I grew up in Florida and Virginia seems cold & dark....but I didn't like the heat there...so here I am. I think I'll go take a long walk in the gloom...might help!
I too am guilty of sleeping a lot when not doing anything "necessary" like attending to my kid. And this may sounds lame, but a friend suggest I make a terrarium. Tiny plants, glass fishbowl. PLANTS in the tundra in February. I am going to try. They have some cute tiny ones at the Home Despot or Rona or what-have-you. I also watch way too much tv.
Also, I colour using crayons with my kid. And this is an activity where no kid is required. I draw a lot of suns and flowers and vegetables - my only drawing repertoire.
xoxoxox
hey ya,
ok well, my advice is,
BE MISERABLE.
Seriously!
you ARE allowed, you know! Whoever said we ought to be happy ALL the time? And when did anyone ever say it's illegal to feel unhapy from time time?
it's ok to feel low sometimes, and there is no point in trying to overcome it IMMEDIATELY and be judgemental about it. We end up obsessing about it, and be depressed about being depressed. sometimes all we can do is have patience and faith that we will get better slowly slowly. remind yourself that "this too shall pass", and that you are allowed to have the feelings you have, without desperately trying to get rid of them. so, in a few words, take a moment to simply accept how you are feeling instead of denying yourself these feelings.
as other people have said, working out helps for some people, praying, yoga, looking outside yourself for a moment to care about someone else, trully connecting with someone and help them out in some way, and try to go out, even if you have to push yourself a little bit.be thankful for a few small things every day.(for me, dancing in a very geeky way,on my own, workstoo sometimes!)
it's natural when we feel low to want to just stay home,isolotated, and there's nothing wrong with that, but try to go out, a little bit, even if you don't feel 100/100 up for it.
finally, you can also have therapy, just talk to your therapist, talk some feelings through, that also helps.
and your writing is not pointless, why would all these people read it, and it helps to know other people go through similar stuff from time to time.
and one last thing. why do we focus so much on how we are feeling? we can also focus on being, and even doing.we can do good, even if we feel bad.
hope this was somewhat helpful
xxx
give yourself a hug :)
daylight. i have to have daylight. for me, the winter depression really takes over on days where it's dark on the way to work and dark by the time i go home, and i haven't managed to get outside in between or even spend any time near a window. however, if i CAN get outside for a while (less feasible in saskatchewan perhaps), or even sit near a window with the natural light seeping into my peripheral vision, i feel much better for the entire day. if you decide there is a daylight component to your februagony, and have no outside or window opportunities, you can get something called a full-spectrum lamp - the light it sheds mimics the light spectrum of daylight and actually helps a lot!
My depression is not directly tied to seasons, as my most crippling depression episode so far was very much in the glory of summer, which was in many ways worse than the winter months I spent depressed. The sun is glorious and everyone is cheery and for me it was all so far away. When I feel low in these dark months, I do sort of embrace it, like one commenter said. Though I suspect that it is not always a beast that need come inside. So perhaps what I more feel is that the lowness must be aknowledged, tend to it not fight it. Do quiet things and sleep more, drink tea and take happy happy photos of fruit! (I'm the first commenter on the photo on flickr that makes your new banner)
I also recommend the yoga, and I'm not an athletic or energetic person. If you are the do-it-at-home type, Rodney Yee is my favorite yogi who makes DVDs. He's calming and slow and focuses on the breathing.
I agree with the exercise and the yoga practice. Very helpful for nearly everything actually.
Next year, plan a vacation. Even if you can't get somewhere warm, plan an adventure. Time it right so you have something to look forward to, then the thing itself, then post about it with pictures so we can all feel better!