One Scary Step Forward
Friday, November 7, 2008 The next sentence is going to hold some information that will surprise you. I have not seen a psychiatrist since 1994, and I have never been in therapy.
I know. Let that sink in for a moment. That seems preposterous even to me after all the writing I have done about living with anxiety and depression. I may be on medication right now for anxiety and depression, but this medication has been prescribed by doctors at community clinics for the last fourteen years after I had a run of bad experiences with three different psychiatrists in the early 1990s. This is not a route I would recommend. General practitioners are not trained to have expertise specific to mental illness, and although I have been able to remain somewhat even keel with their prescription help, they have done nothing beyond blindly fiddling with pharmaceuticals. Not only is this not the best alternative trained psychiatric treatment, but it is also not the safest, physically or mentally.
At the beginning of August, I finally admitted to myself that it was time to look into real treatment, and I went to my medical doctor for a referral to a specific psychiatrist whom I had heard was good. When I saw my doctor again in September, he was surprised that I had not yet been scheduled for an appointment, so he called the psychiatrist's office and asked that I be put on a short list so that I could get in sometime before Christmas. CHRISTMAS. It can take three to five months in this city to get in to see a decent psychiatrist, which is ridiculous, but I was willing to wait rather than see the alternative immediately whom I had heard was merely a pill pusher. In October, my doctor was clearly angry that I had still not been put on the psychiatrist's schedule, despite having been put on the short list as an urgent case, so he called the psychiatrist's office again. The receptionist told him that WHOOPS, IT SEEMS THAT THE PSYCHIATRIST ISN'T TAKING ANY NEW PATIENTS AT ALL, SORRY.
Sorry? As in, you have just wasted three months waiting for an appointment with this psychiatrist sorry? As in, now you will likely have to wait another three to five months for another psychiatrist to have time for you sorry? Because I feel like taking those sorries and shoving them up through somebody's nostrils with a bottle brush. Unfortunately for me, but fortunately for the psychiatrist in question, an opportunity to use that bottle brush would require waiting lists and promises and could not arrive before February.
I know that the recounting of these details is a little tiresome. I know, because this has been my life since August, and I am pissed about the ongoing tiresomeness of it. When I realized that this limbo I have been hanging in since the middle of summer could possibly go on for another three months, I just wanted to lie down and sleep until spring.
I do finally have some good news, though. I was, quite miraculously, able to find a counsellor over the last week, and I will be seeing her for the first time on Saturday morning. That's TOMORROW. This turn of events is completely freaking my shit out, people. As much as I have needed and wanted help for a long time, I have spent my entire life carefully folding away all my uncomfortable knowledge and symptoms into small, narrative packages that I can deliver or shelve without too much mess. It doesn't always work, and it doesn't make for the happiest of lives, but it is what I know. It is what I do. I am an archivist.
In short, whatever it is, I don't want to talk about it, I never wanted to talk about it, and now I am going to have to talk about it, whatever it is.
This is how I felt the day before my hysterectomy last year. I had a cancer that needed to come out, but I still wanted both to run as fast and far away as I could so that I could save myself from the inevitable and to run as fast and far forward as I could so that the pain would already be over.
I hope that this counsellor has some good questions for me, because I have over thirty years of pent up crap in this head and heart. Do we start in 1975? 1982? 1994? Yesterday? I don't know where to start, but I supposed that is what I am going to a counsellor for, isn't it?
I am a participant in NaBloPoMo 2008, a challenge to write 30 posts in 30 days during the month of November. "National Blog Posting Month is the epicenter of daily blogging!"
Reader Comments (30)
Hope it goes well for you. Hug.
dear heart.
Trust yourself. do not hesitate to email me, I have been in therapy on and off since 1989, and on, no off, since 1998. I might just email you.
Sending hugs and cookies (still warm), SL
Why is it that the stuff we are most scared of talking about is the stuff most likely to be holding us back? Not fair. Sometimes I have gone as far as looking at it from a distance, or possibly panicking through a close encounter. It's exhausting but good, and it does get better.
All the best to you in sorting this out. It sucks to be ready to at least start looking at scary stuff and then be *put on hold*! Grr.
Therapy has absolutely saved my life. Without a doubt or one iota of drama.
I am here and listening and you just feel free to email me and vent and rail and use me as a resource.
I am so happy you are taking this step for yourself
Well, it's not an easy place to be.
That has got to be the lamest comment to such a post a person could make. Let me rephrase that:
It's scary as shit trying to find a therapist/psychologist that you click with and who can guide you safely through the experience. I was lucky with the first one I ever went to six years ago and had a great experience. But then I was feeling like I really needed to return for some therapy but we've moved out of state (and anyway, I found out that the psychologist is now dead) so I had to try someone new.
The first one made me angry and I really wanted to yell at her. Then I found one that was really good and had one session after which he moved to Germany.
Naturally I think he did it so he wouldn't have to talk to me again.
A therapist can only work with what you tell them so my only advice is to tell the absolute truth. The best place to start is with whatever motivated you to seek out extra support in the first place.
Why are you there? The counselor should not have trouble taking it from there.
I think it's likely you'll feel raw and freaked out for a while.
But if you find a counselor you like then you should soon be feeling a little lighter as you unload the scary shit you've been carrying around all this time by yourself.
Good luck!!!!
Delurking because this entry really struck a chord with me... I had a total nervous breakdown (like, had to go to the ER) around this exact time last year, and although I was a hysterical, depressed, sobbing mess for about three months, they told me that it would probably be the end of January before I would get an appointment. I'm still recovering from having to wait that long to see someone - the only job I've had since then was returning to a previous place of employment where I felt comfortable; I've moved since then and haven't been working since June.
I truly hope that talking to someone will help you, and good luck tomorrow!
Here's where you start. You start at whatever makes you cry the most, you use a lot of tissues, and you feel exhausted afterwards. Then you try to think of a reason not to go back. Not that I would know anything about that.
It doesn't matter where you start, it only matters that you're willing to start.
Thank you, everyone, for your supportive words. I know that this is the right thing to do, and that I am in a place to deal with things, and it makes me feel a lot more normal about going into that counsellor's office knowing that you are all behind me.
Baby cakes, I have NEVER seen a psychiatrist ever. Not once. I have never been in therapy, not once. My midwife figured out the PTSD, and gave me the meds for it.
And you know what? I'm totally afraid to. And I totally need to.
I think you are very brave, and I am looking up to you today.
I agree with Mr. Lady. You are brave. Sending good vibes your way!
Hugs to you :)
Just take one step at a time, and don't think about the next step until you've done this one.
let it out. take advantage of this person, tell them as much or as little as you are comfortable with. you are an inspiration to more people than you realize just by what you have shared. you are brave. get better.
I hope you get a very skilled, wise and empathetic counselor. I wish you the best, and I know whatever happens you will keep getting better.
Courage!
I have been in hundreds of hours of therapy, and most of it really did help. Sometimes things got worse before they got better, but that's the nature of the beast.
Just trust what your gut tells you about the therapist. If your gut is happy, then it's all good.
If you took the counselor some of these entries, he/she'd know you -- and adore you -- like we do; anyone who gets that gift would be insane not to want to be part of your healing.
delurking to say: good luck. I'll be thinking of you.
Having been in therapy for 10 years (and I'm only 22!) I can say the hardest part of therapy is beginning it, and finding the right person to listen to you.
I hope that tomorrow you have an experience that makes you feel 100 pounds lighter in the heart.
*hug*
Wishing you the best possible match, Schmutzie. I admire your courage.
ErinH
have I told you that I've been seeing a therapist for almost two months now? It's hell paying for it, but I like her and it's not as bad as I thought... Well, minus the talking part.
I hope everything goes well for you today and that you start feeling better very soon!
Keeping my fingers crossed that the counselor is a good match for you!
A big, big hug. It's terrible to find oneself on the cold-shoulder side of the "caring" professions.
All my best to you - things will only get better! I know what it's like to be ruled by anxiety and the depression that comes out of it. I don't really do therapy with my doctor anymore, but it helps SO much to know that he is a specialist and knows what's he's doing with the medications.
Go for it!
I had a cancer that needed to come out, but I still wanted both to run as fast and far away as I could so that I could save myself from the inevitable and to run as fast and far forward as I could so that the pain would already be over.
you just described -- perfectly -- how i felt on the day before my hysterectomy.
i hope it went well this morning.
Oh thinking about you lots schmutzie. Which is a bit creepy I realise. It will be a good thing. It has to be. Crossing everything for you.
I hope it's a good counsellor - a real mensch who is wise in the ways of helping human beings. The healthcare system in this country is in serious, serious trouble
My advice, seriously? Start in the middle. :)
Good for you, Schmuztie! It's hard the first time to talk to a counsellor, but it gets easier. And you're such a great story-teller, I'm sure you'll work out what to say.
Hey I'm a counselor and you're not afraid to talk to me are you? You are? Well you don't need to be :)
All I can really say it's about time!
The thing about your average MD is they don't know much about psych meds- there are new groovy ones coming out every day- so it's worth the wait for a specialist. But there are many Nurse practitioners out there who are excellent prescribers and specialize in psych- less wait, more human!
However, first comes the therapy- as it should be. You will be great!
Hope your meeting went well.
Actually, I'm sure it did.
Hugs.