Hayrides Are Dangerous And Harrowing Things That I Do Not Like
Monday, October 20, 2008 Dear Anyone-Who-Invites-Me-Along-For-A-Hayride:
Hayrides are dangerous and harrowing things that I do not like. Hayrides usually happen in the middle of winter when it's cold out, and I hate the cold.
They are too slow, or they are too fast because something spooked the horses, and I hate horses, because they sometimes show the whites of their eyes and have freakish people teeth. Horses are the stuff of horror movies.
Someone almost always thinks that hot chocolate served outside in styrofoam cups is a good idea, but it never is, because mittens rob you of enough feeling in your hands to ensure that you spill some hot chocolate on yourself and end up burning your mouth because you can't feel how hot the drink is.
Hay is not comfortable to sit on, and I have had the joy of experiencing both a hay sliver in my ass and a hay sliver under my thumbnail, both of which got infected, because I am sure that the hay was infested with particles of manure.
One time, I was told to sit with my legs hanging over the side, and the half-blind/half-deaf old man driving the horses kept veering over toward a high, iced-over ridge of snow even though we were yelling our heads off to stop doing that, but every time we yelled, he looked at us over his left shoulder, which made him steer even further over toward the ridge of ice, and the ridge eventually pinched my legs so severely that the force of it dragged me off the wagon, and I couldn't walk for an hour as a result of the severe pain from my crushed shins.
Kids often think that hayrides are their cue to smash snow in people's faces and try to push each other off the sleigh, and this makes my brain hurt, because I never figured out why it was supposed to be so fabulously fun to have snowed smashed in behind my Holly Hobbie glasses and then have to attempt retaliation.
In short, horses, hay, rambunctious children, bad menu choices, and horses - did I mention the horses? - do not a rollicking good time make. They make for ass slivers and burned tongues and possible limb loss. Hayrides are not a warm, nostalgic glance back at a simpler time. They are a reminder of a time when people died young and had to pull their own teeth with pliers in the barn after several fingers of whiskey in order to avoid the town's sadistic barber/dentist.
Thank you for the invite, though. It was a lovely thought.
Schmutzie.
UPDATE: ChurchPunkMom sent along this picture of a pair of horses that pulled the sleigh at her last hayride. You'll notice that the horse in the foreground is MISSING AN EYE.
Reader Comments (27)
Ha! I went on a hayride with my 4-year-old this weekend at the Pumpkin Patch.
She got hives.
'Nuff said.
the last hayride i went on was pulled by a pair of horses.. one of which only had one eye.
want me to send you a picture of it? i got a close-up of where it's lost eye used to be..
Churchpunkmom, I almost want you to send it to me. I've got that same fascination I have for horror films.
i shall send it then.. and you can add it to your post. ;)
oh, and the pumpkin farm that said horse works at? currently under investigation for e-coli.. case in point, no?
It's my nature to, in general, stay away from all things barn.
I think that is kind of the fun of hay rides - the excitement of possible death or freezing. But I only go on them about every four years or so. Hey, passing on a little award to you.
I fell off a horse and the horse stepped on my arm and hay makes me sneeze so you can all enjoy your hayrides and I will happily sit in my nice warm car and WAIT!
I was never fond of hayrides either, although horses don't frighten me, but I'm still traumatized by a drunken, sadistic dentist when I was a teen.
I've always wondered what hay is for. Rides, huh? Okay.
Freakish ppl teeth LOL. I was once traumatized by a woman in a pediatrician's waiting room who bit her child in response to him biting someone else. To teach him a lesson. She had freakish horse teeth. Eeeech.
I have always been terrified of horses - that whites of the eye thing is so true. They have giant feet and tiny stupid brains just waiting to break your toe.
I have felt alone in this for so long...
That was intensely funny. Thank you for the laugh.
I gotta say, though, that part of the hayride horrors problem seems to be that you're taking them in wagons 1)pulled by horses, not tractors and 2)in the frozen, arctic Canadian tundra.
I shall stay away from those.
You are such a city girlie! But funny:)
Okay, no hay rides, but what about SLEIGH rides? Just hear those sleigh bells jingling and ring-ting-tingling, too. C'mon it's lovely weather for a sleigh ride together with YOU!
Your first mistake was drinking hot chocolate. Red Hot 100 is a much better choice for a hay ride. Sure, it still burns your tongue, but you get one helluva buzz for your troubles.
Oh my. I can't stand horses, the bloody brutes. Some of them are downright mean.
My uncle told me a story about how he was once visiting a ranch as a young boy and as he stood there with his back to the horse-pen, a particularly nasty nag leaned over the gate and, in his words, "took a bite out of my shoulder like an apple", lifting him up off the ground and throwing him a few feet.
Didn't exactly take a chunk of flesh out of him, he admitted, but bruised him quite badly, leaving a nasty ring of discolored flesh around his entire shoulder. And so he passed down to me his hatred of all things equine.
They're unpredictable and massive creatures which is, I think, what unnerves me most about them. So hayrides are out of the question. Same with polo.
My thoughts on water polo, though, remain positive: A nice sport and especially cruel to the horses.
(Cribbed line, of course.)
I feel in need of some context/cultural enlightenment here. Both you and the Smartypants blogging hayrides? What is this hayride of which you speak? Is it obligatory? Is it related to some particular festivity? Apart from freakishly deformed equines, and presumably, hay, what does it involve?
Hay is surprisingly dangerous. Our male guinea pig somehow got a piece of hay stuck somewhere very painful yesterday. He did not enjoy having it removed. I did not enjoy removing it. Add horses and you're just asking for trouble.
I've never been on a hay ride? It always looked sort of dull. But I have always wanted to try a "roll in the hay," even though it sounds a bit itchy.
Oh dear.
Wow. I'm gonna stand out. I think horses are incredible creatures and not stupid or have "tiny brains"... but I've never been kicked or bitten by one either. My Dad hates cats. How can you hate cats? Well, I'm not fond of them but I'm not scared like he is. I'm a dog person, myself.
That was a looong ramble for a newbie reader to your blog. :)
Sorry you had a bad experience with a hayride. I've never been on one with horses...always a truck. Interesting story. :)
I loathe hayrides. What's the point of them.
And that horse?
CREEPS ME THE HELL OUT.
Last week I went to visit my niece and her horse, Zena. I am a born and bred city girl, but there was something so amazing about being out in this foggy field with nine free horses roaming about. Roaming, nudging, friendly horses. Pushy, even. It was beautiful, and slightly terrifying.
Luckily, no hayrides were on offer, and I made a clean getaway.
ErinH
Ohhh, that horse is the cutest thing! That's my one-eyed dog mama self speaking.
I went on a hayride once. It was freezing. I cuddled up to someone's dog because he was warmer than all the people. When we finally got indoors I had a rye and ginger with ice cubes and it tasted warm -- really warm. That was freaky
Please post a link to this post on your next Five Star Friday, because it's the best thing I've read all week. :-)
Wow, sounds like you had a bad experience. If you're ever in the PA area, you should go to Active Acres Haunted Farm. I'm not really a fan of getting scared but I had sooo much fun. Check out their website http://www.activeacreshauntedfarm.com/ for more information. It's definitely a can't miss.