Wednesday
09Jan2008
25 Things That Shit Me To Tears
Wednesday, January 9, 2008 I am stealing from Blackbird, since she stole from me after I stole from Jen Lemen. It is a vicious cycle in which I seem to be thieving twice as much as Blackbird and far more than the non-thieving Jen Lemen, but it is obviously not beneath me.
Today, I am stealing the guiding idea behind Blackbird's list of 25 things that shit her to tears. Since I am appropriating a phrase with which I am unfamiliar, I do not claim that my list necessarily has anything to do with its title's claims. I am running on a hunch.
25 Things That Shit Me To Tears
- Honey crullers. Maybe all the crullers I have tried in my life have been particularly poor examples of an excellent pastry subset, but I doubt it. Whenever I have eaten one, I think they are far too moist, like they are honey-flavoured, sopping sponges.
- The sound of people clapping at outdoor sporting events.
- When people say lasso (lah-so) instead of lassoo (la-soo).
- Large, male erections in tiny bathing suits at the beach. I do not want to have to be aware of how much is going on inside a stranger's bottoms.
- When a restaurant I once liked grabs hold of a food fad and then inserts said fad into nearly every dish. For a while, it was fruit in my salad dressings and fruit on my meats and fruit in my breads. Then, I was affronted by cilantro in and on my food, contaminating all surrounding edibles with that old dishrag flavour. Go with a fad if you must, but please leave some of your food unaffected. Variety will not make you unhip.
- Arugula. I find it to be very bitter, and, in my mind, I always here an antique car horn go off that sounds like ah-ROO-guh-lah!.
- Housework. One of the only times I think I need to be rich is when I have to sweep up or do dishes.
- Kids who wipe their snotty noses up and down their parka sleeves until their is a scungy build-up.
- When someone talks with a piece of gum in their mouth so that I can see it repeatedly peaking out of the side of their cheek.
- Mismatched old pairs of once-black socks.
- Maya Angelou's poetry.
- The smell of rotting potatoes.
- Anything that requires that I be blindfolded for any length of time, especially if it involves my having to touch unknown objects and guess what they are.
- The feeling of the tiny cauliflower granules between my hands after chopping it up.
- Permanent, wall-to-wall carpet in houses.
- Garbage in a lake.
- Watching a show about medicating children for hyperactivity and attention deficit problems that makes no mention of the fact that the children are only seen eating instant foods with high concentrations of preservatives and sugars during the filming.
- When people say Do me a solid. It invariably sounds like they want me to poop for them.
- Any list that starts with terribly gender or age stereotypical phrases such as You know you're a married woman when... or You know you're over thirty when...
- Mayonnaise.
- People who talk around their lip gloss, as though it impedes their ability to move their mouths naturally. They can often be found holding their lips like those of inflatable sex dolls. This also includes people who are stricken with duck lips after having them hyper-inflated with collagen in an effort to combat wrinkles around their mouths.
- Dealing with cat litter, especially under extreme conditions.
- Segways.
- Socks pulled up to the knees with shorts, and doubly so if sandals are thrown into the mix.
- When I end up weeping over some ad on television. I mean, really.
I am a participant in Blog 365.
tagged the lists
the lists
Reader Comments (17)
Could you provide some context for "do me a solid"? I've never ever ever heard it and would have no idea what to do if someone was ever to say it to me. I also thought of poo as soon as I read it -- what else could it possibly mean, right?
And Yes! to cauliflower granules (glahgha!) and to antique arugula horns (though I do quite like the taste at times, I always hear the horn).
Clapping at outdoor events. Yes! Golf clappers especially drive me crazy.
Ohsomany things resonate with me...
Any HINT of penis in ANY form of swim costume is too much for me.
MAYA ANGELOU'S POETRY!HATE IT!
Carpet. Full of dog shit and germs.
That lip gloss business. WHAT THE FUCK?
I swear. We were separated at birth.
Do me a solid, look us up.
I've tried too many times to persuade non-believers on #20, so I won't try again now except to say: yum.
The word verification for this comment is "orpki." That's a nice little word, that is.
Please sign me up for the I Hate Maya Angelou's Poetry club. And the cauliflower thing? Just reading about it gave me the shivers.
Oh lord yes, there is nothing worse than the smell of a rotting potato -- especially one that's been left under the sink for about a month.
(And I love that this follows "Maya Angelou's poetry." Another club member, here.)
Yes, please. With Shelley. I have never, ever heard that and just spewed tortilla chips over my laptop screen.
What the holy hell is that????
"When people say Do me a solid. It invariably sounds like they want me to poop for them."
I never thought about it that way. I'm still laughing at this one.
And I know we're all supposed to love Maya Angelou's poetry, but...thanks. ;^)
I completely agree with you on #18. I've always thought the same thing.
The food fad thing drives me absolutely bananas. The thing now is pomegranate. Fine, whatever, I like them, but DEAR BABY JESUS DO THEY HAVE TO BE IN EVERYTHING??
And I know it makes me uncool, but I totally dig Maya.
these are fantastic. but i love me some mayo.
oh wow--the sandals and knee socks with shorts thing. People need beaten for that. Also, the gender/age phrases..those drive me mad.
mayonnaise! it even sounds gross. mayyyonnnaiiiiisseurghhhahaach
Ack! I hate crullers too. Give me a choclate glazed donut anyday over that cruller crap.
The arugula car horn thing made me wet myself. I think the exact same thing!
I can't think of a way to string these thoughts together, so I'll just go all listy:
1. I once read a science fiction story in a writers' group I belonged to that starred one Captain Arugula. I think everyone in the story was naked. Anyway. Captain Arugula!
2. If cilantro tastes like soap to you, you're probably allergic to it.
3. There's a man in my neighborhood who rides around on a Segway. He's always wearing a suit and has a handlebar mustache. I like to pretend he's from an alternate universe, where everybody travels around in zeppelins and pneumatic tubes.
Thank you for hating cilantro.
Late commenting -- hey, I've been busy -- but I feel we have a cultural gap here ...
Mayonnaise? What's bad about mayonnaise?
And swimsuits with bulging male protuberances ... what about swimsuits with juicy, ripe breasts in them that say "touch me ... don't you dare ... touch me ... don't you dare ... touch me ... don't you dare ... touch me ... don't you dare ... touch me ... don't you dare ... touch me ... don't you dare ... touch me ... don't you dare ... touch me ... don't you dare ... touch me ... don't you dare ..." You get the idea.
As to lasso, it comes from the Spanish "lazo" and is properly pronounce LAH-sow.