#718: There Is No Cypher For This Code
Tuesday, May 29, 2007 I keep finding myself in the midst of panicked moments. "Law & Order" will be in the middle of its usual plotline involving the death/dismemberment/torture of a member of the female sex, and BAM!, my brain wanders over to the corner of my skull where I thought I had discreetly stashed all cervix- and cancer-related thoughts. It happens while I do dishes and on the bus on the way to work. It happens when I am putting on socks. I nearly cried over the smell of cheap shampoo at the grocery store, because it reminded of 1980s douche kits.
Last night, while watching some CSIs recover the avulsed appendage of an as yet indiscernibly sexy corpse, I watched them pointing out the direction of the blade marks in the bone and thought That's how I feel. That's how it is. I feel like I am having something amputated. Until then, I was not able to staple down what it was I felt about the loss of my uterus. This hysterectomy is not on par with other corrective procedures. My uterus is going to be removed. It will no longer do any of the things it did before. It will be gone.
I am not sure what that means. Hysterectomy = X. X = code - cypher.
I have never had any great love for my uterus. As I have written about before on this website (but will not link to because, sweet jeebus, I used all the wrong words and would erase them if not for my rule against historical revision), when I was a little kid, I never once thought that I would grow up to be a woman. For awhile, I was convinced that I was going to grow up into a man with wing-tipped shoes and a jaunty hat, but once I realized that that wasn't going to pan out with the course my body was taking, I fell into thinking of myself as this neither-this-nor-that sort of person. That was nice. It fit. And then I got my first period and had my identity blown out of the water.
It has taken me a long time to come to terms with this body I inhabit. As much as this uterus has been a source of discomfort for me emotionally, psychologically, and spiritually, it has also been a strong and reliable force throughout my adolescent and adult life. I cramp up both when I ovulate and menstruate, making it a bi-monthly metronome ticking off the passage of time. When my periods are very painful, I know that I have been holding in too much stress. You have no idea how thrilled I have been every thirty days when my uterus tells me that it is not carrying the beginnings of a rapacious homunculus foetus.
I am not equating my periods with any kind of femininity, that false uniform of the female caste, because it is not the loss of a sense of femininity over which I am panicking; it is the loss of a body identity that has taken me over thirty years to acknowledge. I feel as though this uterus I possess is somehow an extra limb, a deformity which I have slowly grown to accept as part of this body that propels me through life. Now, just when I was able own it, know it as my own, I am going to have that part of my identity cut out of me.
No wonder my brain refuses to make sense of this. I hold up an image of myself with and an image of myself without cancer, and my brain simply will not superimpose the two. They are separate. They are disparate. One might as well be another person.
the body, the cancer, the gender thing
Reader Comments (13)
so beautifully written, i totally understand now. this makes perfect sense, ya know?
always thinking about you and how it is all going. is that weird? probably but there you are.....
you are on the right path, let it all come
I TOTALLY understand! I too have NO USE for my uterus! But... I once had to have a tooth removed (it was deformed and nothing to do but pull it so that the lovely braces would work) and I was horrified! I felt like my soul was being removed from my body. I could not reconcile that a part of me was being forcefully extracted and taken away. And having a smile with that tooth was a part of my hard-earned identity too.
I have a love/hate relationship with my uterus right now. It is starting to shut down on me and I am convinced this is the first step toward death.
But it's not about ME.
Earthmamagoddess is right - let it come...we'll be here.
Yea, I understand.
You have to grieve, you're losing something. I'm sorry. Sorry that it hurts, sorry that it's happening.
I wonder if losing an organ is something anyone can really wrap their brain around--unless you were some sort of computer. The relationship with the body is often strange and alarming but especially for those people who live very much in their heads. I can't say I have a solution but I do think our brain is like a concert rather than a violin solo and there will be all these different parts vying for attention and squeaking and squawking and banging their drums and then harmony might hit for a little while, then go away and eventually the parts do learn how to play the new composition. This doesn't make it suck any less but I think the fact that you listen to so many parts of yourself and let them all live and are honest with yourself gives you a kind of advantage when faced with indigestible facts.
Losing a part of yourself, a physical part. Being sick. Having an illness people tend to be very afraid of. Going to the doctor alot. Getting surgery. And much more. Be very kind to yourself now and know I'm thinking of you.
I had a tumor in the roof of my mouth. It was removed Dec 2005, along with the bone in the roof of my mouth, leaving me without cancer, but also without the ability to eat, drink, or speak without a peice of plastic stuck up there. All reconstructive surgeries failed.
At first I was completely confused about what had happened to me.
It has taken me a year and a half to come to terms with it.
But I had to finally understand that I would never be the person I was before I had the cancer cut out. It changed me forever, and honestly?
The experience has given far more than it has taken away.
Wish I had soothing words, but I don't. Just wanted to tell you how moving this post was.
Acknowledging the emotions is probably more than some people will ever do.
I am so sorry that you are going thru this. My thoughts are with you. Scary stuff you are dealing with-stay strong chica!
-Gerry
Perhaps you hit on it, without being completely cognizant? Maybe it is *only* now - now that you have come to terms with your uterus as a part of you, that you are truly capable of letting it go. We have to own things before we can get rid of them. Life deals in mysterious lessons.
From the experiences of those close to me with cancer, I can echo what Josephine says: in the end, it does give more than it takes away - for those open to receiving the messages and enlightenment, which I believe you truly are.
That doesn't make it suck any less, of course, but it does give this journey your body is on a bit of a silver-lining perspective. Positive energies coming your way, from across cyberspace. Keep up the therapeutic writing, it's good for all of us...
Your post made me stop and think. I have been wanting a hyst for about 2 years now but have no medical reason other than horrendous periods and absolutely no need for that useless body part any longer. I never thought that at some point I would possibly have feelings of missing a part of me. I still don't know that I would but at least you have given me the idea that it is possible. Actually I did feel somewhat sad when I had to have my tubes tied (too old, too many miscarriages, etc) but not because of the part, but because it hit me smack in the face that I was "over" having kids..not that I even wanted more..I don't know..but thanks for the thought provoking post. I hope you get some peace with what is happening.
My mother had to have a hysterectomy last summer. She was past menopause, so her uterus really wasn't doing anything for her but causing her pain and worry, but it was still a profound loss.
I wish I could come to your house and bake bread for you while you recover like I did for her.
Our minds are so incredibly connected to our bodies. I'm sure even with the ambivalence you've had your whole life toward your female parts, your mind is still having a hard time wrapping around them being a source of illness and then not being there at all. Those are huge, immense things to deal with.