#836: Patience, Patience
Thursday, November 1, 2007 I have been meaning to write about what these last two weeks have been like for me since I upped my dosage of Celexa from 20 mg to 30 mg, but when I sit down to explain everything, all I can come up with is a hodgepodge of emotive descriptors, such as anxious and defeated and scared.
I want to have more to say than feeling words. I want to be able to tell you what I have done, realizations I have come to, behaviours I am hoping to change, but I have got bupkis. This is not at all surprising, really, because I am still making it through that first month after a dosage change, but don’t we always want to have more to show for all our hard times than orange stains on our fingers from cheez puffs and a dwindling supply of facial tissues? I know I do.
Yesterday, I was setting out cartons of asian takeout and chopsticks and whatnot for the Palinode and me, and you would have thought that I was waiting for someone to beat me by the way I was behaving. My anxiety was so high that I was fumbling with everything, and each time I dropped or bumped something, I would jump or squeak or issue an apology. I ended up reaching such a fever pitch that the Palinode took to patting my arm and saying You’re doing really well, really good, don’t worry, you’re doing fine.
Who needs this kind of support to get through setting out utensils and takeout? Apparently, I do, and it is frustrating. I always have high hopes when I change dosages or medications, so when the road to wellness is bumpy, I take that as a personal failure. I become certain that I am weak, that I am less intelligent than I thought I was, that I am inherently unlovable, that this is all there will ever be for me. I know this line of thinking is not entirely realistic, but even so, these ideas take me by the nose.
If this scenario works out the way I hope, this is just the storm before the calm. My body has to take its (sweet) time to adjust to its new chemical configuration; I have to adjust to not being the kind of anxious depressive I was when my experience of the medication (hopefully) evens out. Transitions are rarely easy, even when they do not involve psychological illnesses, so I just have to keep in mind that I am in transition and try to stay patient.
Is there a drug for patience?
(also posted at RealMental.org)
I am a participant in NaBloPoMo.
Reader Comments (11)
I tried to learn how to be patient once, but it took way too long...so I gave that up. ;)
Schmutzie,
You know, the doctors tried for about a year and a half to figure out just the right meds/dosages for me. They never really got anything that didn't exacerbate the symptoms or make me so even keel that I was effectively lobotomized or made me so mentally slow that I was often out thought by sticks.
Eventually, I found a good healthy balance of journaling, therapy, and personal relationships that helped me keep my depression and anxiety in check. Of course, "in check" merely means that I have a support system to fall back on whenever it hits, not that they've done anything to relieve it, but you know, for me, it seems to be depression or sedation.
Here's hoping that the docs get your dosages and things figured out, though. I know what a pain living a life feeling like you can't control anything, even (or especially) yourself, can be.
Oh, I'm so sorry. Hang in there. I know it will stabilize.
My mental state much of the time lately is precisely what it would be if a gang of ninja assassins broke into my house and started chasing me around with their little pointy stars.
I would actually welcome a lobotomy at these moments.
I am right there with you. All I can say is it's got to get better, right?
I find it frustrating that when I was a child I figured all I needed was to be loved to feel love. Now, even when I have it, I don't feel it's true. How screwed up is that?
I can only speak from my experience, but it took me six weeks to adjust to 20 mg. Six weeks of being afraid to walk down a flight of stairs, six weeks of K holding my hand - during which we attending weddings and parties while I trembled.
Hang in there - don't lose hope.
Blackbird, thanks for letting me know how long the adjustment took you. I started at 10mg and moved up to 20mg with only a couple of weeks of weirdness both times while I got used to it. That's why I was a little more worried this time. I'm waiting it out, though, because so far, this medication has been wonderful for me.
A drug for patience? Why yes, there is! I believe it's called Chocolate! It doesn't increase patience per se. But the sugar induced stupor makes you care less about the slow passage of time. :)
What every you do, stay away from the Java.....it won't help.
It would be great if these meds started doing their thing right away ... but since they don't, it's a waiting game. I've had about 30 years of experience with it ... thankfully, things have improved from the drug perspective.
It's that period of continual self-talk during the adjustment process. We know that you are an amazing, talented and intelligent woman, but convincing yourself of it is another thing when the sky's grey and the anxiety keeps pushing in at the edges.
Thankfully we've got the internet now so you know you aren't alone ... that others are dealing with the same issues.
lotus07, I've noticed that coffee and I are not mixing so well at this phase of the game. You are so right.
kate, you're such a sweet-talker.
Anxiety is a fucker. It's gotten me in a choke-hold almost every night for the last few weeks at around 8 p.m. Make that 7 p.m. with the time change here. It doesn't end until I go to sleep, at which point I am so exhausted from the whole expenditure that I fall asleep right away, although I wake up a few hours later and have to talk myself down so I can sleep again.
I'm going to see a cognitive-behavioral therapist this Thursday. I hope it helps. I'll ask for medicine, too, if I don't think the therapy is enough, and I suspect it won't be.
I'm sorry you are going through this. I dropped some blueberries on the kitchen floor tonight and went through something very similar to your table-setting nightmare. I felt a crushing in my chest just reading your post. I feel for you.
I'm thinking of you. Hang in there.