#819: What Two Cats Can Do To A Kitchen
Wednesday, October 3, 2007 
See that blue button over there? On the right? Exactly. It is The Great Mofo Delurk 2007 brought to you by Jenandtonic, Sweetney, and me!
And it's very exciting! So I am abusing! exclamation! marks!
In honour of The Great Mofo Delurk 2007, I am out wearing the fingerprints off my fingers while I madly comment in all blogular directions.
What are you doing? Are you delurking? Leave a comment here! And there! And then do it everywhere!
After work last night, I had this urge to clean, which, if you have been around these parts for any appreciable amount of time, you will know is extremely rare. It happens every six months or so. I had planned to open the windows and do laundry and clean the bathroom and tidy the kitch... the kitch... The what. The. Hell. HOLY CRAP.
The above is a picture of what I saw when I left the front entry, all four square feet of it, to head into the kitchen and make some coffee to fuel my housework. I blame The Secret
for this. I was thinking about fresh, dark coffee from my french press all the way home on the bus, and there it was, manifested all over my kitchen floor. And the stove. And the oven. And the dishwasher. And the refrigerator. And the garbage can.I knew immediately who was responsible: Oskar and Onion.
You will notice that I made these pictures of the event very dark and dramatic looking. That is because that is mostly what it looked like to me. Rarely have I been so mad as to pull that film-noir-ish, staring-through-slitted-eyes-in-anger expression, but this did it. I could hardly even make sense of it. How is it possible for two cats, who have never caused destruction while we were out, to create this much chaos?
The oven door was open, the big soup pot was across the room, the tea kettle was on the open oven door, the french press was shattered all over the floor, and its remaining coffee and grounds were everywhere. I could go on and on with various prepositions to describe how everything but the kitchen sink was befouled with broken glass and coffee grounds, but if you will just imagine that my kitchen were a giant sponge and that every hole in that giant sponge was sopping with gritty, brown liquid, you will know what I mean.
The first thing I did was go and sit on the edge of the bed in the living room. The two cats sat themselves down opposite me and stared. They knew, and they were hoping I would make quick work of their deaths.
No, I did not beat those cats. I couldn't. Where would I start? I do not own an ice pick, so lobotomies were out of the question.
They kept terribly quiet and leapt away from my thundering feet every time I passed another dripping item out onto a towel in the hallway. I must have had my demon face on.
So, I spent my evening pulling all of our major appliances out into the middle of the room so that I could sponge up all the mess, which had somehow dribbled underneath everything nearly to the walls. And then, instead of my planned dish of gallo pinto, we ate frozen Indian dinners, because there was no way I was going to spend one more minute finding coffee grounds in all the cracks and crevices.
The End.
Reader Comments (152)
Holy shit.
I have cats. I feel your pain.
Happy Delurking.
I don't have cats. But I have seen The Secret, and had a very hard time trying to stay positive all the time, no matter what. Then I remembered this little tidbit from math. If you multiply a negative by another negative, the result is actually positive! So if you are extra extra negative, you should have the same results. Right? Right? Ehh....
I'm glad you darkened the photos. The kitchen actually looked worse.
Stupid cats.
No cats at our house either, but I've seen my kids (toddlers) do similar things.
And that one time a couple years ago when I got a little out of control with some spaghetti, some heavy duty velcro and a fire extinguisher, but that was a long time and many arrest warrants ago.
First time reader, followed and borrowed your Mofo button.
Thanks and Hi!
SCARY kitchen!
I used to have 1 cat named Batman, who thought he was a human.
Now I have 2 dogs. I send them over to lick up the mess! lol
Those dramatic photos would do Hitchcock proud.
Got your button off another blog so thought I'd drop by and say thanks.
Since you ORDERED me to delurk . . .
My cats are guilty of similar sins. I'm just glad they have not yet joined forces with the dogs and toddler to cause monumental chaos. It would take a lot to top the coffee disaster you experienced, but they could probably do it.
But hey, at least you got out of cleaning the house! What?
If I was a smarter blogger I could have figured out how to align the damn button, but I'm not. Thanks for the idea and here's hoping that people respond!
Okay, okay...I delurk. I've been enjoying your writing for about a month now, so thanks. I must also 'fess up to a bloggy crush on The Palinode, whose intellectual musings make my day.
Wow. BAD CATS! ... Heh.
If I had walked in on that, a couple of cats might have "accidentally" ended up in the oven.
Believe me, Ernie, I thought about it.
I had a pickle jar explosion incident that spread over my entire kitchen and no matter how hard I cleaned, the smell lingered for DECADES.
(Or maybe just days. I dont know.)
My cats prefer to knock classes of water onto my head. Don't ask.
Fascinating "Crime Scene" photos...
(I'm "kinda" de-lurking)
Being a bit obsessive, I did make it to the bottom of the page, and the Banana Split is just lovely. :)
Those photos will give me nightmares tonight.
Delurking! Came over from Lulu and Madame Queen... thanks for letting me use your Mofo Delurk button (great idea, by the way)!
I don't have cats, but I have a big, goofy dog and 5 kids. I don't know which would have upset me more, the mess or the broken french press. I NEED my coffee...
gosh that's a lot of coffee mess
Happy Mofo Day
how did they get the oven door open? and rearrange the pots? my cats would have run from all the noise in that adventure. but I would have had to go buy the ice pick.
yes...delurking...finally.
Delurking is making me crazy! I have to comment on EVERYTHING, which means that I have to think hard and read hard to find something to say!
(Except on yours, where I can just comment about delurking. Ha.)
Anyway, thanks for creating this. It's fun.
I officially delurked when you came up with the great idea.
Some sites I read in Firefox will not display the word verification, so I have to switch to the Evil Empire's browser to comment.
This is such a site. I went the extra click or so for the Great mofo Delurk Day! I hope it is a roaring success.
Nice photos! I know you are feeling terrible rage, but the coffee mess looks beautiful.
I too am wondering how the hell your cats got the oven door open.
I'd have shoved my hands down each of their throats and used them as oven mits.
Not really.
I think you should humiliate them and shave them each bald. They hate that.
Near as I can tell, they must have fought on the stove, and then one of them starting falling off and grabbed at the tea towel on the oven door in an effort to save himself, which dragged it open as the cat hit the floor, and then the second cat knocked the french press off, and it smashed against the inside of the oven door, because the oven was filled with grounds, and the drawer beneath was flooded with coffee. Lovely.
Shaving them is an excellent idea.
I might shave the monkey...but I seem to be having a deluge of delurkers thanks to you.
I may not comment much, but I DO vote for. Each and every day.
I know you're ticked at the cats, but I gotta ask - are they okay? No burns or slivers?
Your Oskar is a dead ringer for my own black cat. I tell him "Listen, bucko, Schmutzie puts Oskar in his carrier when he misbehaves and Oskar LIKES it." And what's good enough for Schmutzie is good enough for me, says I.
Heidi, thanks for voting every day. I'm 11 out of 190 people now, which is excellent!
Both cats are fine, by the way. No slivers or anything. Although, Oskar kept drinking the coffee off the floor. His litterbox should be interesting tonight.
Man, what a mess! I'm just trying to figure out how they got the oven door open. My cats are destructive, but (knock on wood), not THAT destructive.
Your cats are still alive? You are my hero. There is a reason God made dogs. And you just proved why. Your composure is amazing.
Oh my God! That's some of the worst cat-generated destruction I've ever seen! The fact that your cats are still inside their own unbroken skins is a testament to your (& the Palinode's) overwhelming patience and benevolence to all living things, even in the face of incredible aggravation. You're an inspiration to goodness.
The rage, I wouldn't have been able to contain the rage, but there is something so satisfying about seeing a cat sit and stare at you with fear, knowing that they know that you know what they did.
Happy delurk day.
Seriously, you're awesome for thinking up this de-lurking day AND for offering the sidebar square in MULTIPLE colors. I opted for purple because, well, it seemed fitting.
I'm off to comment like a whore.
Wait, that didn't come out right. How about, comment with AMBITION!
Wow. I would expect that of my mutt, but not cats!
Well, I'm not really delurking here, as I just stumbled on your blog. But I have joined in on delurking day!
Hope your pets behave better from now on ;)
Silvia
I'm not so sure about the idea that dogs don't make that kind of mess. Just ask http://buggeringcrapmonkies.blogspot.com" REL="nofollow">May-B. Dogs can do some very bad things.
And I guess I'm re-de-lurking? It's been a while since I've commented here, but I'm still hanging out and reading! Just feeling not particularly clever, lately.
I be a mofo'ing delurker today. :-)
What a mess! Hopefully it wasn't too hard to clean up. I'm not much of a lurker since I do comment, but I don't comment every entry even though I read every one so Happy Mofo Delurking day to you!
Delurked...
This is why cats belong in Hell.
I'm proud to be a Schmutzie Mofo...
I can SO relate. I had a day like this too. My lab mix with severe separation anxiety escaped from his kennel (battered the door open, I may have to start locking it up with a bike lock again) and TRASHED my house. There is no video evidence of it but I did spend 45 minutes on hands nad knees cleaning up while trying to keep a toddler from steppig in the poo or the spilled garbage can mess.
The cherry on the top was that and after eating a whole package of whole wheat bagels my dear littel pooch was asking to go out all night to poop, and then this morning i stepped in a puddle of pee I had missed last night in the cleanup effort.
Good thing he's sweet and cute or I'd have to kill him.
Wow. Those cats do NOT fuck around when they decide to get punk rock on your kitchen. This is insidious business, and could escalate if you're not careful. I'd cast a wary eye over the next couple of weeks for anarchy symbols scratched into your furniture, spiked fur, inner-eyelid piercings, etc.
Happy De-lurking day!
But really now, we both know I read your blog... I just don't comment much.
Either way, happy de-lurking!
De-lurking as requested. Ordered? Commanded?
Thanks for the great idea. I totally stole it & claimed it as my own.
I think you were very restrained in dealing with your cats. You don't have to beat them to death, just use a plastic bag:) Less mess that way.
If you wonder how I know this, my girlfriend and I have discussed doing our families in at various times over the years and our biggest concern was the mess involved with mass murders. We are that pathetic!
Anyway, glad that cats and you both survived.
Holy Catpaws!
I seriously think I would have cried.
Then blown my diet and opened a bottle of red wine...
Man!
I am officially delurking myself. Hi. How are you? Sorry about the cat/coffee/glass explosion you had to deal with! That sounds like a crappy thing to come to.
Anywhoooo...hope you are having a nice day! Oh, and keep up the good words. I like them.
Hi, Schmutzie! I used your button today. Great idea. Your blog brings delight to my days. Thanks.
I meta-blogged that this seems like a pretty shameless ploy to get new visitors to your site. It must work because I've never heard of it before and here I am.