#817: Rage, Rage Against The Dying Of The Light
Monday, October 1, 2007 
Here is a question that you probably never thought to ask yourself:
Who do you know who has the most office supplies in their pants?
It's okay. I'll give you a second to answer that.
Alright, it is me, not surprisingly. I have the most office supplies in my pants.
I love these office pants that I am wearing. They are a great shade of smoky chocolate brown, they are a tiny bit stretchy, and I can put them in both the washer and the dryer. They have no pleats, they are straight-legged, and the rise is neither too high nor too low. I am rarely afflicted with VPL (Visible Panty Line) no matter what kind of underwear I wear under them. They are magickal, fabulous, nearly irreplaceable pants.
I am, by no means, a fashionista. I still wear t-shirts from 1997. My favourite shoes are a pair of construction worker orange sneakers that I bought for five dollars. And these pants? They would never mislead you into thinking that I knew anything about style. You would never notice them on the street. They fly so far under the radar of exciting that you would never be able to pick them out in a lineup if they committed a crime. Despite their visual mediocrity, they have proven themselves time and again to be the most lovable of my office pants wardrobe.
And by "time and again", I mean to say: they are old. They are just over four years old, to be exact. When I started this job three years ago, the left hem came down while I was at work. Every resourceful, I stapled it back into place. Ever lazy, I have left that staple there ever since. When an interior button fell off, I found a flimsier variety of paper clip and fastened it back into place. Neither of these fix-its have bothered me in all the time that I have owned these pants. As long as these stopgap measures have gone unnoticed, these pants have been good to go. Until today.
Today, just as I was going to get up to photocopy some documents, I noticed that the upper interior of the left leg had split right at the seam. I sat there, looking at my thigh flesh through the tear in my beloved pants and came to grips with the fact that my pants were going to find themselves in the garbage soon.
Just not right away.
You see, I have a roll of double-sided, clear tape at my desk, which I have never found a use for, but at that moment it called to me from its dusty drawer. I took it to the bathroom, removed my beautiful pants, carefully taped the seam allowance down over the tear in the fabric, and voila! The rip is completely unnoticeable as long as the tape holds.
The only problem with this solution that I have found so far is that my leg hair is ripped out by excess tape every time I stand up. So, guess what? That's right. I just put more office supplies into my pants. A small strip of packing tape placed over the double-sided tape site has taken care of the unwanted depilation nicely.
I know. I am so smart. I am the McGyver of the pants world. Thank you.
I think I have attachment issues.
Reader Comments (32)
I laugh much.
When you have to use a folded-up Post-It note as a belt-loop, then I'll be impressed.
bah hah, attachment issues.
i do that stuff, too, except i usually use staples and paper clips to make droopy necklines a little more appropriate.
When I read the first few lines, about office supplies in your pants, I was expecting something much dirtier. I'm actually kind of disappointed in the lack of dirtiness.
I have a pair of black work pants whose hems are entirely made up of staples. I love those pants, but they are embarrassing.
You crack me up! I am so much more impressed with the fact that the "fixes" haven't come apart at the most inappropriate time or get snagged on other clothes in the wash. You do realize though, that tape will not hold up like metal does in the soap of the wash and heat of the dryer...? I know this is stepping a bit out of your realm of usable products, but what about getting the old needle and thread out...just this one time...to save the side seam and this (obviously) wonderfully comfortable pair of pants from a premature death. Don't run away from the thought. Think about it.
Hilarious! I can't stop laughing.
I agree with Kate! :) I started reading your post and thought, "So, is that a stapler in your pants, or are you just happy to see me?" ;) Sorry...I couldn't resist.
Awesome, extra life to the pants and an occasional Brazilian wax touchup to boot.
Ouch and thanks for the laugh.
I'll come and go through your closet FOR NOTHING.
Nothing like a pair of lovely black pants. Hard to find. And worth their weight in duct tape.
Awesome. Although, at first I thought your story was going to be about how you have lined your pants with many Post-it-Notes to help get them to freedom.
ROFL, I can relate! I am a fellow user of staples in lieu of thread!
My initial thought was that you had some sort of office-supplies-kleptomania. Don't we all? A supply room full of pens and pencils and paper and erasers and highlighters and post-its and paper clips can be so tempting... it's ever so hard to avoid having some of it end up in in your pants "accidentally". You get home and put your hand in your pocket and exclaim, "Well gee, how in the world could I have forgotten about these five packs of post-its in my pocket? I meant to take them to my desk but I took them home instead. Silly me." You know you all have done it. You know it. Don't deny it. You sneaky people you.
I know, I'm sorry folks. This story started out with so many erotic possibilities.
The pants, now, are gone. I bought a new pair!
Noooooooo ... !!!!!!
Oh Schmutzie, I almost feel guilty laughing out loud at this story -- I feel sad for you, the pants and your inevitable loss of them. I had a pair of pants like that once -- they made everything perfect -- whether I felt bloated or just fine! Then, one day a sharp edge on the corner of a damned desk caught my beloved pants and ripped a huge hole on the right leg front. ;-( I do, however, applaud your McGyver resourcefulness! ;-D
On a totally unrelated note -- for those of us who have a colored background on our blog -- Schmutzie's beautiful buttons for MOFO day have an unwanted white background. I took the liberty of re-purposing the images into transparent .PNG files that will display without a white background for those of us with this design issue. Folks will need to host the .PNG file on their own site (or another hosting spot that allows the upload of .PNG files) and make some slight changes to the code originally provided for the buttons -- you can download the .ZIP collection of transparent .PNGs from my blog (and read the directions) at: http://www.vanessaleehamlen.com/blog" REL="nofollow">www.vanessaleehamlen.com/blog
I hope this is helpful...Enjoy!
Happy Great Mofo Delurk Day 2007... ;-D
Thanks for taking care of that, Butterfly!
You got new pants??? Are they OK?
Oh how I hate getting new pants when the staple-hemmed ones have been fine for years. I'm nervous for you.
I did get new pants last night! Of course, they are not nearly so awesome as the old pair was, but they make my butt look good, so there's that.
Hmm...should I be examining all of my employee's clothes?
Yes, Magpie, regular strip down inspections are definitely in order.
Well if this means you have attachment issues, than I do, too. I'm guilty of doing every single one of these things at one time or another. Let us not forget the time I used the black sharpie to repair a pair of grungy black boots (thanks, Pretty Woman).
Yet, I'm also the Queen of Justification; therefore I'm obligated to say that this actually just makes you very SMART and handy. Go on with your bad office-supply-stealing self! ;o)
Oh Schmutzie, je t'adore!
Oh, Lizneust, you're just using French to try to get at my Canadian heart.
Oh what I would give to be able to fit into my pants from 4 years ago. But alas, all the tape in the world will not help.
I'll bet you can work wonders with binder clips. Oh, and those little round stickers that are meant to reinforce notebook paper holes.
Duct tape. The hem of my favourite black skirt is held up by duct tape. Staples tend to stab me, and the duct tape holds up just fine in the washer and dryer. :)
Ha... I shared a guilty laugh when I read this post. I have a pair of favorite pants on which I have paper-clipped and safety-pinned the hems back where they belong. Unfortunately, this involves frequent fixes.
Then, yesterday, I fell and tore a hole in the knee. Contemplating life without the favorite pants made me so mad that I decided to give the universe (and my credit card) a big, double-finger salute by purchasing another pair.
And here I was thinking that you were stealing office supplies, I should have known better!
I like your double-sided tape fix, it might work for the hem of my pants - which is dragging along the floor behind me as I speak. A good pair of office pants is hard to find.
"I think I have attachment issues"? Au contraire mon petit chou chou (ma petite chou chou?? Jeez, I have no idea, and I have a minor in French - alors), it sounds like you can attach things just fine. ;)
I think we should have a moment of silence for the old pants, and then all look at your hot ass in the new ones.
Deal?
OMG! I stopped by to see the mofo blogroll and I have to admit that this post caught me. I'm all in and will be back tomorrow and the next day. I have done all of these things in the past but never all to one pair of pants. You are my idol.