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How To Get Around Australia Without Actually Going There

Trying to call the Fiery One in Australia this morning was a bitch. Since he is sixteen hours ahead of me, I was up at 6:20 am dialing him up – or at least trying to. I carefully punched in the fourteen or so numbers and waited for someone at the hotel to pick up.

Attempt #1

Hotel Desk Guy: Hallo. My name is Frank. How can I help you?
Me: Hi. I would like to speak with my husband, the Fiery One.
Frank (née Hotel Desk Guy): Oh, yes. Is he in room twenty?
Me: He very well could be. I don’t have it written down.
Frank: I’ll put you through. Just a moment.

After much ringing, a sleepy male with an Australian accent answers.

Sleepy Man: Huh, uh, ah… Hallo?
Me: Fiery One?
Sleepy Man: Fiery who?
Me: You’re not my husband.
Sleepy Man: No, I’m not.

He hangs up, precluding any further conversation and disconnects me from Australia altogether.

Attempt #2

I dial Australia a second time.

Frank: Hallo. My name is Frank. How can I help you?
Me: Hi. It’s me again. You connected me to the wrong room. Can you try again?
Frank: Oh, sorry about that. I’ll give it another try.

The telephone rings for ages, and then Frank comes back on.

Frank: It appears that the line is busy. You’ll have to call back. Have a good evening.

He hangs up.

The Fiery One calls

We chat for a minute or so, and then he asks me to call him back, because it will be much cheaper for us than using his calling card. I still have some faith left that Frank can help me out, so I agree, and we hang up.

Attempt #3

I dial Australia a third time.

Frank: Hallo. My name is Frank. How can I help you?
Me: Hi, Frank. It’s me again. I’m still trying to get through to my husband.
Frank: But the line is busy.
Me: No, it’s not anymore. I just got off the phone with him.
Frank: You know that all the way from Canada?
Me:: Yes, I just got off the phone with him.
Frank: Oh, yes. Pardon me. I’ll put you through.

The ringing sounds a little different, so I am hopeful for a positive outcome.

Eastern Man: Helloo. Tandoori Restaurant.
Me: What?!
Eastern Man: Helloo. Tandoori Restaurant.
Me: I’m looking for my husband.
Eastern Man: I’m sorry, there are no husbands here. No husbands at all.

He hangs up on me, too, but I will not be discouraged.

Attempt #4

I dial Australia a fourth time.

Frank: Hallo. My name is Frank. How can I help you?
Me: Hi, Frank. Me again. I still haven’t talked to my husband. I did talk to a nice East Indian man, though.
Frank: How did that happen? I’ll try again. This is very strange.

The sleepy Australian picks up again.

Sleepy Man: What.
Me: I’m terribly sorry. Frank-at-the-front-desk keeps putting me through to your room. Is this room twenty?
Sleepy Man: Yes. Could you please stop calling me? I’m trying to get some sleep.
Me: I’ll tell Frank not to put any more calls through to room twenty, sir. I’m sorry.
He hangs up on me now. How many times must I be hung up on before it is even 7:00 a.m.?

Attempt #5

I dial Australia a fifth time.

Frank: Hallo. My name is Frank. How can I help you?
Me: Hi, uh, Frank?
Frank: You again? Oh, I’m so sorry.

This time he doesn’t even wait for me to make my request. After some clicking and a familiar ringing, I am greeted with...

Eastern Man: Helloo. Tandoori Restaurant.
Me: Are you sure you have no husbands around there?

He hangs up without any reply.

Attempt #6

I dial Australia a sixth time.

Frank: Hallo. My name is Frank. How can I help you?
Me: Frank. My husband is still waiting for my call. Please put me through to him this time.
Frank: Is he in room twenty?
Me: NO! I mean, no, don’t put me or anyone else through to room twenty until the morning. He’s not my husband, and we keep waking him up. Who is in room 19?

At this point, I am willing to take a shot in the dark and guess that Frank is confusing neighbouring rooms.

Frank: Yes, that’s it. I’ll put you through this time. I really don’t know why this keeps happening...

Lo and behold, the Fiery One answers the telephone. I almost can't believe it is him.

Fiery One: Hi! What took you so long?
Me: You wouldn’t believe how hard it is to call you. Just let me say that although Frank seems very nice, I don’t want to have to speak to him again this morning! I had a conversation with a man at Tandoori Restaurant en route to trying to talk to you, though.
Fiery One: There isn’t even a restaurant in this hotel! How the hell did that happen?
Me: I have no idea.
Fiery One: Could you find out where that restaurant is? All we can find are Greek ones around here.

Does anyone out there want to pay our August telephone bill?



Hating the idea of gyms myself, the Green Gym sounds fabulous. Real, practical exercise just makes more sense to my brain.

Sheep are coming cheap these days.

Loving Blurbomat. Truly.

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