How To Recognize A Schmutzie At BlogHer
Wednesday, July 9, 2008
UPDATE: This is not me.
SparksFley inspired me with a post she wrote to reveal a few things about myself that I am a touch insecure about before I hit the BlogHer '08 conference. I do not show my face on this website, I have never been to a BlogHer conference before, and I am nervous as hell about meeting new people no matter what the circumstance, and these three things conspire to unnerve me to greater and greater depths as the conference weekend draws near.
It is becoming ridiculous. For example, the following are a few of the things that have added themselves to my Fear List: my passport will not be ready before my flight, I will miss the plane for the second leg of my trip to San Francisco, the airline will confiscate my psych meds, I won't know how to get from the airport to the hotel, Sweetney will decide that I am an obnoxious roommate and should go back to Canada already, people will be disappointed with what I look like, the conference will feel like high school/summer camp/team sports events from my painful formative years, and my feet will smell. My feet do not usually smell terrible, but, for some reason, this plays out as a major complicating factor in my fear fantasies.
Aaaaaaand breathe.
I think that most of these fears are actually about my social anxiety, which is partly due to the fact that the way I look and the way I behave, as the person behind Schmutzie, will be on public display for the first time. I am nervous in new social situations anyway, but, in this case, I precede myself, which is WEIRD. Add to that the fact that I have been chosen as one of the presenters in the BlogHer Community Keynote, and I am almost willing to don a gorilla mask for the weekend and pretend that none of it is really happening. To alleviate some of the pressure I am feeling about that, I am going to tell you a few things about myself:
1. I have fairly prominent boobs. They sit high and plump, which a lot of people probably think is a good thing, but they make me feel kind of freakish. They are not huge, but they do nothing to hide themselves. So, there you have it. I have nice boobs that I don't like. Feel bad for me.
2. When I drink, I become a talker, and Talky Schmutzie retells stories that everyone has already heard. If you have read this website with any regularity, and you are going to be at BlogHer, be prepared to smile and nod. I promise that I will pick up on that and shut up shortly.
3. I look like I have a double chin in half the photographs that are taken of me. That's because I am growing a more noticeable double chin with every passing year.
4. I often walk around with lettuce, poppy seeds, broccoli, or other detritus stuck in my teeth. I promise that I do brush my teeth. It's just that me and my teeth have a love/hate relationship, and they like to try to embarrass me in public. Teenagers.
5. Like SparksFley, I smoke. Yes, I've had cancer. No, I don't care to hear what you think about that. Subject closed.
6. I tend to talk faster and faster when I'm nervous, so, if you are at the BlogHer Community Keynote, listen carefully, or you might miss it.
7. I have a tendency to stick my gut way out when I am concentrating on taking a photograph. So, if you see me at the conference taking a picture and looking five months pregnant, remind yourself that I am just concentrating. My uterusless self and pregnancy ne'er the twain shall meet.
There. So, if you happen to see a boobilicious person picking food out of their teeth while smoking or pushing their gut out while taking a photograph AND trying to obscure a double chin, it's probably me. To make sure, just say hello and ask me which weblog I write. I'll say "HimynameisSchmutzieandIwriteMilkmoneyOrNotHereICome".
Aaaaaaand breathe.
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I Want You To Know Two Things
Thursday, July 3, 2008
One: If you read this website in a feedreader, you might not have noticed, but I made a new masthead for July, and you are going to like it, so please click on through. I would like to assure you, though, that the elder woman pictured in it is not me for at least another forty-five years.Two: It is time once again for this week's call for submissions for Five Star Friday. Let a blogger know that they're special.
Three: I lied about only wanting you to know three things.
Four: I will be in San Francisco for BlogHer '08 in two weeks. Have I mentioned that I suffer from social anxiety? I am not freaking out Ia mno tfrea kingo utIamn otfrea kingout Iamnotfreakingout.
Labels: the lists, the metablogging
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Things I Like To See
Friday, June 20, 2008
I like seeing:
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Four Announcements
Wednesday, June 18, 2008
- Pete Dunn of Fiddley Gomme fame interviewed me on Sunday afternoon as the inaugural podcast for his new show, BLOW (Blogger Love On Wednesday).
Click here to listen to my surprisingly girly voice for a half hour or so. - Catnip of Catnip and Coffee fame has started a relatively new project called ChapterBytes, which is a novel in progress in the Chick Lit genre that is being written chapter by chapter by several different authors. I am one of them! I was flattered that Catnip asked me to help with this project, because I rarely write fiction, and it gave me the opportunity to stretch myself in an area of writing that intimidates me.
Click here to read the chapter that I wrote, Chapter Three. - What else? Oh, yeah. I'M GOING TO BLOGHER '08. I know that I have said it before, but I still can't really believe it even after registration, flight bookings, and receiving my business cards for the conference. I'm going. People are going to see my face. Or at least the potted palm it will be hiding behind.
- Also, I will be guest posting at Sweetney sometime this week. She is the generous laptop and bedspace-at-BlogHer donor that has made in possible for me to attend the conference, so you should visit her site and wax rhapsodic over her patent awesomeness.
Labels: the here and now, the lists
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Glad: It's What's For Thursday
Thursday, May 15, 2008
In order to counteract yesterday's "Bitter: It's What's For Wednesday", I thought I should make a list of 29 things that I like.I like:
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Bitter: It’s What’s For Wednesday
Wednesday, May 14, 2008
I dislike:(Take a deep breath.)
(Exhale.)
The End.
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Six Quirky Things Meme
Monday, May 12, 2008
Paige Jennifer from Life Goes On, I Think has tagged me for a meme.It goes something like this: link to the person who tagged you (done), post the rules (almost done), write a list of six quirky things about yourself (keep reading below), tag six people to do this meme with links to their weblogs (perhaps), and then, if you are me, you can leave off some stuff, because you are lazy and you can't stop pulling at that spot where the seam of you pants is trying to eat your crotch hair. I swear these pants have teeth.
Six Quirky Things About Schmutzie
- A lot of you know this already, but maybe it bears repeating: I cut my own hair. It was driving me nuts to have to shell out so much money to hairdressers who insisted on trying to "feminize" my haircuts and would not go short enough for my liking. They could not seem to deal with my request that they "go at it like a weed whacker".
One trip to the mall and a pair of clippers that were cheaper than a single haircut later, and I can afford decent wine. Imagine that. - I am allergic to telephone books. You know when I am going to order in food, because I can be found sneezing my way through the chinese food section and asking the Palinode if he wants doze noodahs wid da peanud dawd.
- At some point when I was a kid, I saw the word kumquat and started using it as though it were an insult. I did not have a clue what a kumquat was, but I regularly said You're such a kumquat to people who were being buzzkills. It still works its way into my internal dialogue when I find a person annoying, although now I am more profane. What a fucking kumquat, I think.
- I am fascinated by certain serial killers. There are the regular kind that just go around raping and murdering. Those aren't interesting. To fascinate me, a serial killer has to be like that guy in Europe who would abduct women with long blonde hair, wash their hair for four hours straight, and then kill them to cover it up. Why didn't he become a hairdresser?
- I do not like yellow cars.
- On the rare occasion that I sneak out to the balcony for a cigarette, I like to watch my apartment through the window and see the cats and the Palinode go about their business without me present. I'm not there! You guys continue to exist! Life is an amazing thing.
The following six people are tagged to do this meme but are in no way obligated to follow through with its commission:
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I Am So Smrt
Friday, May 2, 2008
Now I am picking chunks of low-grade corned beef out of my teeth and wondering why I didn't go for the soup.
I don't feel like talking about fellatio today.
When I wrote "you" in the above sentence, I meant "me". I highlighted my cleavage very effectively with several bold strokes of a blue ballpoint pen at about 10:00 a.m.
One foot feeling slightly different than the other foot = onset of the Apocalypse.
I may be so moved to take our entire sock drawer after work, throw it in a bag for good will, and start fresh with the purchase of twenty pairs of identical socks.
What's that guy's name again? The one who's in construction? Warren.
What's that declaration that's so import in the United States? Warren.
Where is it that what's-his-head lives? Warren.
And if it's just a regular noun I am trying to recall, my brain throws out donut, like that ever applies. I don't even eat donuts. In fact, I don't even spell it that way. I spell it doughnut. Oh, hello wrong noun! You have annoying spelling!
This is not useful to me.
Oh, crap!
What'd you do? he asked.
I just, uh, knocked something over, I answered.
What did you knock over?
I don't want to tell you, because it's kind of embarrassing, but okay. It was my collection of favourite paperclips.
Your collection of favourite paperclips! Oh, noes! he cried mockingly.
Yes, I have collection of favourite paperclips, and they have their own little tray, and they are lovely, and they make me feel serene in my heart, so you can suck it.
Labels: the here and now, the lists
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"7 Random/Weird Things About Me" Is The Meme That Never Ends
Sunday, April 13, 2008
I was just tagged for a meme this evening, which reminded me that I was tagged for another meme about one month ago, so Paige Jennifer is just going to have to be patient while I do this other meme first.Candid Yammering's Day Dreamer tagged me for a meme back in mid-March. It is another variation of what seems to be everybody's favourite meme, 7 Random/Weird Things About Me.
May I just say glory be to the meme during this time of The Great Cold Virus What Whoops The Ass and Renders One Vacuous. Until right now, I managed a revolving series of three thoughts today. The first was I'm hungry. The second was I'm thirsty. The third occurred every time my cat, Onion, rolled over to show me his stomach: I haz belly. Let me show you it.
Here goes.
7 Random/Weird Things About Me:
- If I let my chin whiskers grow out, I would grow two small locks on either side of my chin and look like a wizened sage.
- I often think of putting my hand in my stapler at work. I do not do it, because I gave in to that urge once in grade seven, and it hurt.
- Today, I have had the great fortune of sprouting a deep, painful zit on my right earlobe. Now I know that all things are possible.
- I know when I am coming down with the flu when I can smell the distinct scent of a swimming pool. Somehow, my brain has come to connect the flu virus with chlorine.
- I hate musicals. I always sit through the singing and dancing wishing that they would all just shut up already and get on with the story.
- I once made a giant chicken out of old hockey sticks, wire mesh, and papier mâché for no reason. It was terribly misshapen. It existed for less than a week before I dismantled it.
- When I was twenty-five, I became a bit obsessive about showering a lot, so I held experiments in multi-tasking while in the shower. One day, when I was drinking coffee, smoking a cigarette, and reading a magazine through the clear shower curtain, it hit me that I might have a problem. Had my roommate not given me shit for smoking in the bathroom, who knows how far I might have taken it.
- Every time I try to remember a person's name lately, the name Warren pops into my head, as though anybody and everybody could be named Warren. I do not think I even know a Warren.
I hereby charge the following people to do or not do this meme as they see fit:
Daisybones
Rachel Elizabeth from Confession Of A Jersey Girl...
Moogie from Moogie's World
Akakarma from myveryownkarma
Catnip from Catnip And Coffee
Dory from Can't Remember Diddly!
B.E.C.K. from An Imperfect Life
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Top Drawer Thursday
Thursday, April 3, 2008
On Tuesday, I put out a call for superior weblog entries, because I needed a lift and always like to broaden my internet reading horizons. You people were generous with the links, as you can see from the list below.I meant weblog entries, as in specific posts within weblogs, but I am just not that nitpicky, so when you mostly sent me links to entire weblogs, I figured I had no reason to complain. You will notice that I had to split them up into two separate lists, though. I simply could not throw the individual entries into bed with the entire weblogs. That would be, oh, I don't know, all incestuous or something. Or maybe just a little confusing. Or maybe I am the sort of person who cannot let her peas touch the gravy on her plate let alone be able to even handle the thought of jello, especially grape jello, touching lettuce without grimacing. Heaven forefend!
Top Drawer Weblog Entries
Top Drawer Weblogs
So, I'm thinking of making this kind of a thing? Like maybe a once-a-week or a twice-a-month thing? But for specific weblog ENTRIES? Would you be interested in that? Let me know in that commentular fashion that all the kids are adopting these days.
And now that I think of it, would it be better if this happened on Fridays? Because we are all lazy on Fridays, and while we are not writing, we could be doing fabulous reading instead. Are Fridays good for you?
(If you are reading this in a feed reader, please click through to vote.)
Labels: the lists, top drawer thursday
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Things I Have Found I Love Now That Spring Weather Has Become Apparent
Wednesday, March 19, 2008
1. The absolute nakedness of pale women's legs that have been freshly shaved for spring skirts.
2. Coins found around parking meters after the drifts of snow have melted away.
3. Seeing weather-inappropriate clothing worn by people who have taken the first opportunity to show skin without fear of frostbite.
4. Dirty gutters awash with the detritus of last autumn's leaves, cigarette butts, and worn bits of paper.
5. Open windows.
6. The pain in my eyes when I step from a building into sunlight, because the sun is finally high enough in the sky.
7. Hearing water rushing through the grates at the curb.
8. Tiny shots of green pushing through a crust of melting ice.
9. The wet stamp my shoes leave on the cement after walking through a puddle.
10. Feeling my hair grow hot on top of my head.
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A Meme For Shameless Self-Promotion
Monday, March 10, 2008
Heidi from eRamblings has tagged me for a meme, which is excellent, because my brain is benumbed by the sinus medication I had to use to to counteract the effects of a less-than-delightful chemical bath that someone decided to douse themselves with in an effort to smell like an embalmer's wet dream. I did not know that one had to smell like three thousand dying flowers to pick up a card at the post office.Oh, yeah, and then I thoughtlessly threw some whiskey on top the sinus meds. Oops.
The meme's rules:
1. Go through your archives and link to five of your favourite posts that you have written.
· Link one must be a post about family.
· Link two must be a post about friends.
· Link three must be a post about yourself.
· Link four must be a post about something you love.
· Link five can be a post about anything you choose.
2. Tag five other people to do this meme. Two of them must be people you already know so that you can get to know each other better.
Five Of My Favourites From My Archives
1. Family: In The Field, 1987
2. Friends: Spousal Abuse For The Price Of A Kiss, A Lesson In Lying, Circles, And Getting Felt Up
3. Myself: Embracing This Meat Machine A Little Bit At A Time
4. Something I Love: A Love Letter To See Us Through Six Days
5. Wild Card: One Cat, Two Cats, Rottweiler, Man
The following five people can do or not do this act of shameless self-promotion as they see fit:
· Kelly from Her Able Hands
· Kizz from 117Hudson
· Savia from Saviabella
· Abigail from Abigail's Road To Nowhere
· Debra from A Stitch In Time...
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An Alphabetic List Of Colours And My Resulting Recollections
Tuesday, March 4, 2008
Azure: Down the hill from our cabin, there was a small bridge that led to a dock that led to an inlet on the Bermudian shore. As soon as our feet hit the wood, the water grew turbulent with all kinds of tropical fish from gigantic groupers to tiny clowns clammering for the bread they suspected we had.Black: I bought a bottle of black chinese ink at a local grocery with which to affect age on tin foil for a project I was developing. It smelled strongly of both rubber and gasoline and stained my fingertips for days to come. That bottle sits in a drawer unopened since that first use, because its strange chemical smell frightens me a little.
Charcoal: I found a chunk of lightweight rock in our front yard that left sooty marks on my hands. Is this a meteor? I asked, because I had just heard of meteors in school. It used to be a star, my mother said. I hid it beneath a juniper and came back to touch it every day, marvelling at the idea that, in the expanse of the universe, I would be so lucky as to touch a star every day.
Dun: My younger cousin and I ventured out from the farmhouse to the road and dragged the rubber toes of our sneakers through the dust. It was all either fine powder or gravel larger than marbles, and I pretended that this was all I had for miles and miles.
Eggshell: The first time I was old enough to pay attention to the colour swatches in a paint store, I was shocked to see that Eggshell came in so many shades with undertones of red, yellow, blue, and their myriad mixtures. I had no idea that painting a wall white could be boiled down to such a science. I left the store and never did paint that wall.
Firebrick: Just before graduation, I decided to carve my name and graduation year into the brick of the old school building that had still been in use when my father took classes. As I carved into the building with the end of an old, metal nail file, storm clouds swept in, and within a few minutes, they had drenched both the old school and me. I continued to carve, and just as I finished, a shot of sunlight hit the building and lit up its damp, reddened brick like fire.
Ginger: I saw a Charlie Brown television special called "It's Your First Kiss, Charlie Brown", and for months afterward, I dreamt of falling through clouds head-over-heels in love with the Little Red-headed Girl. The dream always came to an abrupt end when I fell face first on the rough carpet of my bedroom floor, except for the last time I had it. During my last dream of the Little Red-headed Girl, I managed to land softly on the ground next to her, and when I turned to kiss her, her translucent skin was dotted with soft, reddish-brown freckles.
Hazel: A classmate in grade six had such bright hazel around her pupils that she appeared to have lion's eyes. When I spoke to her, I would turn so that she had to face the sun, because her eyes would light up golden brown and wild.
Incarnadine: A friend's mother had made hamburger patties for us, but rather than waxed paper, she had separated them with tin foil before freezing them. My friend hacked and sawed away at the cylinder of meat, worrying it into a sludgy mush that oozed cow's blood across the countertop. We decided to eat cereal for supper.
Jade: A friend of mine from Vietnam gave me a jade bracelet as a sign of friendship. We wore matching ones, and she took it very seriously. One day, I fell down in gym class, and the jade bracelet broke into four, uneven pieces. She was terribly hurt and told me that it was a sign of my lack of loyalty. I did lack loyalty. Still, I wrapped the pieces in kleenex and rubbed their smooth surfaces when I wanted to remember what had happened. She taught me that people were not a matter of convenience.
Khaki: Second-hand army undershirts are a part of vanishing youth, but one remains tucked under an old Jack Daniels t-shirt in a box in my parents' basement. It was given to me when I was sick by a woman who rarely showed kindness but knew that I needed comfort, and so I keep it at a distance without being able to let go.
Lime: That Girl and I shared a lime-flavoured hawaiian slush at a festival. As we spooned it into our mouths, freezing our teeth and turning our lips green, she declared: This tastes like melted Fraggles!" I never felt more like twelve at thirty-four, and I am sure that my liver is still green.
Mazarine: High school graduation was rife with dark, electric blue from our graduation gowns to the table linens. It put me on edge when paired with all the boys in dark suits. It was as though the whole theme was young ladies on parade in shiny bright dresses. It felt like I was on a set for a stage production of "The Best Little Whorehouse In Texas".
Navy: In the 1970s, it seemed to be the thing to dress pregnant women up as the babies they were going to have, and sailor outfits with oversized bows at the neck were not uncommon. Even at five years old, I could not figure out why pregnant women dressed younger than I did.
Orange: My favourite thing at breakfast was to take the peel from an orange slice and slide it in under my lips and over my teeth. I would smile as big as I could into the side of our silver toaster and laugh at my reverse Halloween pumpkin smile.
Periwinkle: The twilight in summer that settles on the prairies in those few moments between sunset and night carries a coolness and an animate buzzing that stills my breath.
Quartz: My friend told me that her parents did not like me. They don't trust you, she said, because you're different. I stomped away, angry that she was asking me to pretend to be someone else. On my way out of her yard, I grabbed some of her father's precious quartz rocks in spite from the garden. I kept those stones for over twenty years and can still feel their smooth edges pressed into the heel of my hand.
Russet: There was a red setter down the street whose owner used his ridiculous ears instead of a leash to lead him around the yard.
Sepia: The unsmiling faces that looked sternly out of my grandparents' collections of photographs baffled me. I wondered how I came from these stoic women, stout in layers of skirts, standing next to large men in wide chairs.
Terracotta: Plastic plant pots were the norm in my childhood, so my first terracotta pot was a surprise. I watered the plant and was startled to see the pot itself darkening to a ruddy colour as it absorbed the moisture. When I pressed my hands around its surface, it was cool like stones in a shallow brook and smelled like earth.
Umber: On the PBS show "The Joy of Painting", Bob Ross' favourite colour was burnt umber. His voice dropped in pitch when he said it while shadowing forest landscapes.
Vermilion: When he was upset, my older brother would bang his head so hard against the floor that I could hear his teeth clacking together. Later, it was my job to clean up the blood, which smelled heavily of iron and was thick to the touch.
White: What colour is that? my aunt asked. White, I said. No, it's wwhhh-ite, she said, blowing through the W to sound a breathy H. Wwhhh-ite, she said, and wwhhh-ich and wwhhh-ether. That is when I knew she was just as strange as my mother said.
Xanthic: I was by my grandfather's bed as he died in the hospital, and I wondered about the yellowness of his hands and feet. They were dry and papery and reminded me of aged walls in abandoned farmhouses.
Yellow: During my twenty-fourth summer, a friend and I started going for coffee at a small groceteria across the neighbourhood from my apartment. There was a house at the mid-way point whose yard was pretty much bare except for one sunflower over five feet tall that grew right next to the sidewalk. We always stopped to admire it and say hello, and it always bobbed back as though in response.
Zaffer: My favourite jeans that I have ever owned were a Christmas gift when I was twenty-nine, and they were stolen two months later from the apartment building's laundry room. At the time, I was sad about it, because I did not have the money to replace them, but now I am left with the knowledge of the perfect jeans in my mind. Plato's ideal, if you will.
The basic structure of the above list is borrowed from a previous list I wrote, An Alphabetic Confession Of Apologies Never Delivered.
I am a participant in Blog 365.
Labels: the lists
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More Meming
Saturday, February 23, 2008
Jen from Sweat and Pencil Scratches has tagged me for a meme. I believe that it is of the seven-random-and/or-weird-things-about-me variety, so that is what I will do. She did not make note of any rules, but I am sure that there are some, because memes always have them.The assumed rules:
· Share seven random and/or weird things about yourself.
· Tag five people to do the meme and link to their weblogs.
What is weird or not weird about me is not for me to say, so I am going to pursue this along the random line, and if something is weird, then so be it.
Seven Random And/Or Weird Things About Schmutzie
1. One day, some time ago, Blackbird wrote either an e-mail or a comment to me, I cannot remember which, and in it she told me that I had a foot fungus. I wrote her back and said that I did not have a foot fungus. Guess what? I have a very persistent foot fungus.
2. If I am ever moved to try on a pair of high heels, which is nearly never, I secretly click my heels together three times like Dorothy did in the ruby slippers in "The Wizard Of Oz" to take herself home.
3. The following picture is of some water from the laundry in which I washed our new pink bedspread, and by pink, I mean really pink. The Palinode said that he would grow to love it once his dizziness and nausea went away.
4. It was not until I was in my mid-twenties that I first glanced at someone's bum and thought it was attractive. Until that moment, I had never understood what people were going on about.
5. When I was younger, I could handle whatever gore and terror movies dished out, but now I cower behind my hands, pillows, blankets, or whatever is at hand at the mere suggestion of something scary. I used to think that people became more and more calloused as they grew older, but I am beginning to rethink that.
6. I find something terrible in fishing. I have only been fishing twice in my life, and both times a sizable fish was hauled onboard and hit over the head with a fishbat. I hated their last breaths through their gills and my inability to read their eyes.
7. Just now, just this very moment, I realized that I accidentally stood up a woman whom I think is the cat's freaking pajamas for a sushi dinner tonight. I should have been there two-and-a-half hours ago. I feel completely miserable about it, and I can only imagine what she thinks of me right now. What do I do? How do I make it better? Help! I am seriously aching over this.
And now, before I disappear into a burning puddle of shame, these five are tagged to do this meme:
· Marie from Whither Thou Creative Spirit
· Momma from The Casual Perfectionist
· Jules from House of Jules
· Janet from muppinstuff
· Imaginary Binky
I am a participant in Blog 365.
Labels: the lists, the memes, the photographs
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7 Random And/Or Weird Things About Me, Again
Wednesday, February 6, 2008
Back in mid-January, I was tagged by Vegan Mama to do another round of the 7 Random and/or Weird Things About Me meme, which I promptly threw into a document (so it would not be forgotten) and buried it in a file full of other documents (where it was forgotten). Oops.The rules are as follows:
7 Random and/or Weird Things About Schmutzie
- I am eating a jagged fingernail right now, and it is disgusting. Pick, peel, chew, spit.
- When I am feeling particularly sharp pangs of anxiety when I am at home, I have taken to wearing a toque with ear flaps around the apartment. C'est très sexy.
- This morning, I grabbed a toothbrush to use as an eyelash separator when my mascara came out goopy. I usually keep an old one around for just this purpose, but I picked up the one I actually use to brush my teeth. I did not realize my error until I brushed my teeth with it later and my toothpaste came out grey.
- I love the taste of pomegranates, but I hate the little crunchy pits in the pods, so I rarely eat them. To fill in the blank space left by no pomegranates, I purchased pomegranate body wash so I could rub the red gel all over myself and smell like the fruit. Strangely, that does not fill the void.
- Occasionally, I put things in strange places for no particular reason and then have no recollection of ever having done it. For example, the Palinode and I were certain that I had lost my purse when we were out on a Friday night. We looked high and low for the entire weekend until I finally found it on Sunday afternoon. It was jambed very tightly into my night table drawer with my knitting. I could barely wedge it out of there. Then, yesterday, we could not find the remote controls for our television and DVD player. Apparently, I had tucked them in between the bedspread and the quilt in perfect alignment. Maybe I thought they looked cold.
- I always have scratches on my shoulders and upper back, because Oskar, our black cat, likes to perch up there and butt me in the back of the head while I put on makeup. I let him do it, because it is one of the few times when he seems completely happy.
- Apparently, I don't count so good.
UPDATE: I completely skipped my seventh point. I don't even know what to say about my inability to count to seven.
The following people are now officially tagged:
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The February Crazy Makes Itself Known
Tuesday, February 5, 2008
I spent half the night crisscrossing the line between sleep and wakefulness as I was plagued by stupid dreams with stupid plot lines.Actually, the irritating dream thing started not last night but the night before when I dreamt that I was holding a friend's baby. It had an abnormally small head covered in dark hair with pinhole eyes and one gargantuan tooth jutting out of its lower jaw. It started nuzzle at my breast, and I said No, little guy, that won't do, and then he latched on through my shirt anyway and bit my nipple really hard with that abomination of a tooth of his. I spent the rest of that dream annoyed and embarrassed about the wet circle of baby spit on my shirt over my left nipple.
I will give you a short synopsis of last night's dream's adventures in a list, because this bitch just goes on and on:
Last night's dreams completely confounded me until That Girl figured out what was going on. Apparently, each time something annoying or fucked up happened, it was because someone was trying to be nice or helpful to me. That Girl said, It sounds like you really need to hermit yourself away for awhile. No freaking kidding.
I have really enjoyed the things I have gone out of the apartment to do with people lately, but I find every excursion exhausting. The February Crazy is upon me.
What is the February Crazy, you ask? Well, it is a lovely period of time that occurs annually each February. Its symptoms vary but may include any or all of the following:
Tonight, I am choosing a blanket and a bottle of beer to curl up with while I watch hours of "Law & Order" to divert my attention away from the fact that my system is still trying to deal with the loaf of garlic bread I ate on Sunday. Yes, I said LOAF. The February Crazy also has some slightly less common symptoms, such as the overconsumption of underbaked, white flour products slathered in cheap margarine and garlic powder.
(This entry is also posted at RealMental.org)
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Labels: the crazy, the dreams, the lists
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Today Is A Day For Sticking Pushpins Into My Eyes
Wednesday, January 30, 2008
Today is a day for sticking pushpins into my eyes.I have occasionally wondered if it hurts very much to stick pushpins into my eyes through my pupils, because isn't it just space back there? Wouldn't I only be going through a layer of skin? Although, judging by this image, it looks like it could be quite nasty. I obviously do not know much about eyes.
Still, today is a day for sticking pushpins into them.
Why?
- The thermometer has dipped to new lows that I have only previously associated with Antarctica, and no, I am not being hyperbolic. When it was -52°C with the windchill, and then when the weather people stopped even bothering to calculate the windchill shortly thereafter, I decided that I would stay home yesterday instead of waiting at a bus stop to go to work. Even people in Antarctica would probably avoid the bus to work on a day like that.
- It is not the weather so much but that I feel all cooped up. I am imprisoned by nature. It oppresses me by severely limiting the amount of time I can enjoy outside without the burning sensation of frostbite somewhere on my person.
Even being in another kind of room than my apartment, my cubicle, or the pub might be nice. Maybe I will go to see the Andy Warhol exhibit at the MacKenzie Art Gallery. - I found a little wormy thing making its way across my floor. I think it is the kind that eats wool sweaters. What if there is a nest of them? Where there is one gross living thing, especially if it is tiny, there are aIways more gross living things. In fact, the tinier they are, the more of them there will be. I will surely die, but not before I do the thing with the pins and my corneas and the whatnot.
- I bought my morning muffin this morning, but I didn't realize that my usual chocolate chip had been switched for some bright pink, faux strawberry lump. Not good.
- Actually, on top of the muffin thing, nothing else has been working, either. My computer faked epilepsy this morning, my debit card would not work, I lost my bus tickets, and I found some unidentifiable slime stuck to my pants when I got to work. The slime had a bit of cool going for it, because it was really stretchy and gooey, but I do not even know if it was my own Schmutzie-produced slime, so its yuck factor was not redeemed.
- I am complainy today. I irritate myself a lot when I am complainy. And when I make up words because I am lazy. And when I struggle over whether I should veto contractions or not on this website. And when I start all these phrases with a capital-A And and pretend like they're sentences.
- I need to untwist my knickers. They are all catawampus.
Thanks for listening. Let me buy the next round. Waiter!
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Labels: the lists
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Six Things/Habits/Quirks About Schmutzie
Wednesday, January 16, 2008
Heidi from Ramblings would like me to tell you six things/habits/quirks about myself, which I will do, because I am presently snortling through a sinus cold under the covers and cannot be arsed to remember where I last put my brain.Of course, there are rules for this meme, because we are humans, and humans like rules:
Six Things/Habits/Quirks About Schmutzie
- I just now noticed that I often talk about myself in the third person on this website. Bob Dole and I should join forces for disassociation everywhere.
- I also just now noticed that the end table next to my chair is actually a haphazard construction made of a wrapped box from a present I received in the summer balanced on top of a cat carrier. I like to think of this maverick furniture-building as a creative storage solution that fits my lifestyle.
- Which reminds me of the worst bed I ever owned. I stole enough milk crates from behind a nearby grocery store to create a base for my bed, put cardboard down over it to smooth over their rough bottoms, and then put down a thin piece of salvaged foam. It was hard and depressing, but then I was crazy and unemployed and living in a friend's basement. Dumpster diving was my forte.
- My sinuses hate me today, and I them. We are locked in a bitter battle. They want supremacy over my head, but I kind of value my brain.
- I secretly like warts. They are these tiny, independent, uninvited guests. What chutzpah!
- I like the idea of setting out to be pesky. How are you today? I'm pesky! And perhaps a little scurrilous!
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