The Best of Schmutzie.com,
2004–2012

The entries from most of 2005 and 2006 will be tackled shortly. If there's an entry that you think should be listed here but is not, shoot an e-mail to schmutzie at schmutzie dot com.

Monday, January 28, 2013 — David, Suicide, and We Are Still Here

Monday, January 14, 2013 — Keep Your Eyes On Your Own Work

Tuesday, December 25, 2012 — Just Call Me Fatwife

Monday, December 24, 2012 — Happy Holidays? Not for All of Us, and That's Okay.

Saturday, December 8, 2012 — 3 Oddly Touching Conversations with Strange Men

Wednesday, November 21, 2012 — The Fantastic Trick of Being Alive

Tuesday, November 13, 2012 — Error Can Be the Opportunity that Changes Your World

Thursday, November 1, 2012 — You Are a Writer: Stop Resisting, Own Your Work, and Invest In Your Craft

Monday, October 15, 2012 — Growing What You Love As a Daily Practice Grows Your Courage

Wednesday, October 3, 2012 — 7 Building Blocks of Good Writing

Monday, October 1, 2012 — We've Moved On

Thursday, September 27, 2012 — Home Is Quite Different Than House, And I'm Finally Home

Tuesday, September 25, 2012 — 40 Things That Are Brave To Do

Monday, September 17, 2012 — There Would Always Be a Becky and Some Damned Kite

Wednesday, August 22, 2012 — Sweeping Up the Endless Mess Like a Volunteer Janitor

Wednesday, July 25, 2012 — 25 Loosely Associated and Thoroughly Uncomfortable Thoughts Numbered to Effect Order

Friday, July 13, 2012 — I Went to World Domination Summit 2012

Thursday, July 5, 2012 — Five Is the Magic Number: I'm Technically Cancer Free!

Tuesday, June 19, 2012 — TEDx Talks: Elan Morgan's "Self-Doubt and the Power of Personal Narrative" at TEDxRegina

Wednesday, June 6, 2012 — A Pep Talk to Myself and You

Tuesday, May 29, 2012 — Plagiarism On the Internet and What You Can Do When It Happens to You

Tuesday, May 8, 2012 — 10 Things That Make You Look Like Spam On Twitter, Even If You're Not

Saturday, May 5, 2012 — 25 Things to Know and Do About Self-Doubt

Monday, April 30, 2012 — How NOT to Make Money Online: 10 Ways Bloggers Get Paid That Don't Actually Get Them Paid

Thursday, April 19, 2012 — Max, The Smoking Kitten

Tuesday, April 17, 2012 — It's Not About the Past. It's About Taking Our Joy Back.

Saturday, April 7, 2012 — I'm Speaking My Truth and Spreading the Word, Because It Does Get Better

Thursday, March 22, 2012 — THE CAPSY APATHY IS CAPSY

Tuesday, March 13, 2012 — What My Cat Taught Me: Perceived Aggression and the Power of a Gentle Touch

Saturday, February 25, 2012 — We Can Become Known

Tuesday, February 21, 2012 — I Sat Down to Write Morning Pages and Juanita Popped Out

Monday, February 13, 2012 — Ageism, Gender Norms, and Rocking the Short Hair

Thursday, January 26, 2012 — We Are All Children Until We Die

Monday, January 2, 2012 — Manipulation

Thursday, December 22, 2011 — Little Schmutzie Had a Christ Complex

Sunday, December 11, 2011 — This Is the Road My Heart Takes

Sunday, December 4, 2011 — It's Good to Break Open

Thursday, November 3, 2011 — And In the Second Year of Her Sobriety, She Freaked the Hell Out

Tuesday, November 1, 2011 — Lost and Found

Monday, October 24, 2011 — The Life List

Tuesday, October 18, 2011 — Poor People Cannot Afford Cheap Things

Saturday, October 1, 2011 — This Is How I Become More Than I Was

Saturday, September 24, 2011 — We Are the Heroes We're Looking For

Wednesday, September 21, 2011 — My Grandfather, Impossibly

Monday, September 5, 2011 — Does This Gratitude Thing Still Work?

Friday, August 26, 2011 — The Girl Who Couldn't Leave

Saturday, August 20, 2011 — This Is The First Anniversary of My Sobriety

Thursday, August 11, 2011 — If Your Internet Is Full of Assholes, It's Your Own Fault

Saturday, July 23, 2011 — Meet My Sobriety Belly. Her Name Is Esther.

Tuesday, July 19, 2011 — Our Life Narratives, the Problem of Truth, and the Natural Elasticity of Our Perception

Friday, July 8, 2011 — We Are As Present Here As We Are Anywhere

Friday, July 1, 2011 — Armstrong and Viele, Trolls, Our Silence, and My Apology: Where Do We Go From Here?

Thursday, June 16, 2011 — Parenting This Sobriety Baby Is a Real Bitch

Thursday, June 9, 2011 — The Inimitable Dr. Deieuew and Our Tenth Wedding Anniversary

Monday, June 6, 2011 — Six Vials of Blood, a Chest X-Ray, an Upcoming Physical, and a Double-Dose of Chicken Wings

Thursday, June 2, 2011 — Scrying Birds

Thursday, May 26, 2011 — Kevin's Red Telephone

Monday, May 9, 2011 — It Bears Repeating

Thursday, April 21, 2011 — Ask Schmutzie: When Is It Most Difficult?

Tuesday, April 5, 2011 — Ask Schmutzie: Is There A Point Where It Won't Feel Like I Should Just Give In?

Monday, March 21, 2011 — You Can't Go Back Again

Thursday, March 17, 2011 — Do I Ever Feel Like I'm Skydiving Naked

Thursday, March 10, 2011 — Let Your Thoughts Run Free, With A Side Of Bacon

Wednesday, February 23, 2011 — Worrying the Past

Sunday, February 13, 2011 — On Inspirational Weblogs, One Note Wonders, And The Need To Trust My Gurus

Wednesday, January 19, 2011 — One Of These Months I Will Write A Celebratory Post About My Sobriety. It's Just Not Going To Be Today.

Saturday, January 1, 2011 — An Apocalyptic Spiritual Revelation On New Year's Day Morning Leads To Breakfast At 6:00 p.m.

Friday, December 17, 2010 — My Unser Bunser Wunser's Gonna Get It In the Neck

Friday, December 3, 2010 — Reverb 10, Day 3: Moment

Monday, November 29, 2010 — The Pain of Living Breaks My Heart

Tuesday, November 16, 2010 — Sitting and Remembering and Waiting For the Heat to Kick In From the Boiler Below

Friday, November 12, 2010 — This Ain't No Lunch Counter: How to Cure Blogular Impotence and Remember Why You're Here

Wednesday, October 20, 2010 — Ramón Found and Lost

Saturday, October 9, 2010 — Some Days Lately

Saturday, October 2, 2010 — Sobriety, Cultural Divorce, and Freedom

Wednesday, September 8, 2010 — Bees Scare the Crap Out of Me. And I Heart Public Shame.

Monday, September 6, 2010 — Potatoes and Coffee and Time

Monday, August 30, 2010 — Drunkenness Is Temporary Suicide

Monday, August 23, 2010 — Grief's Children

Thursday, August 19, 2010 — I Think I'll Start Calling the Woman Who Serves Me My Before-Work Coffee "Muffin"

Saturday, July 31, 2010 — The Blues Hobo

Wednesday, July 28, 2010 — Lessons Learned From Nudity, A Handicap, And An Uptight Cat

Thursday, July 8, 2010 — A Crow and Her Mate and I

Tuesday, July 6, 2010 — My BlogHer '10 Business Cards and What You Should Think About When Designing Yours

Thursday, June 17, 2010 — Trapped!

Tuesday, June 15, 2010 — Refined By The Fire

Monday, May 17, 2010 — S/he: Stuck

Monday, May 10, 2010 — S/he: In The Beginning

Friday, May 7, 2010 — Why Are Young Men These Days So Bent On Stinking Up The Joint?

Tuesday, April 27, 2010 — Sometimes, Holding On To Your Dreams Isn't All It's Cracked Up To Be

Thursday, April 22, 2010 — The Bold And The Hulk-Armed, In Which Schmutzie, Our Intrepid Heroine, Foils An Evil Plot

Monday, April 12, 2010 — Captainless, I Stumbled Through This Whole Day

Thursday, April 8, 2010 — My Face and the iPhone's CameraBag App

Thursday, March 18, 2010 — What's Up Schmutzie's Butt: Joe Q. Public's Opinion of My Hair

Wednesday, March 10, 2010 — I'm So Freaking Funny :-D

Monday, March 8, 2010 — Tab B Goes Into Slot A. Now What?

Wednesday, February 24, 2010 — Looking For My Huge, Freaking Sword Of Awesomeness

Friday, February 12, 2010 — It Ain't Easy Being Downy

Wednesday, February 10, 2010 — Here's To Love And Kicking Fear

Sunday, February 8, 2010 — S-A-T-U-R-D-A-Y Night! (In 16 Pictures)

Tuesday, January 19, 2010 — Man, Does My "Shlop" Ever Twist The Underwears

Saturday, January 9, 2010 — Surprise! Shinny!

Sunday, December 27, 2009 — Top Ten Things Every Woman Should Know To Tell If They've Got Their Vagina On Wrong

Tuesday, December 22, 2009 — A Wake And Introspection

Tuesday, December 8, 2009 — The Drop-Off

Monday, November 30, 2009 — One Of My Most Embarrassing Moments Involved Accidental Public Nudity

Saturday, November 14, 2009 — What's Wrong With Me

Sunday, November 8, 2009 — Who Will Speak For The Glittens?

Sunday, November 1, 2009 — 22 Halloween Photos And An Awkward Moment Involving Duck Sex

Friday, October 30, 2009 — A Treatise On My Grinchly Attitude Toward Halloween

Tuesday, October 13, 2009 — The Curse of the Smiley

Monday, October 5, 2009 — Rudy

Thursday, September 17, 2009 — Lost Voices

Monday, September 14, 2009 — I Quit Smoking For Six Days, And I Start Spouting Off About Love And Generosity Of The Spirit. Sheesh.

Saturday, September 12, 2009 — I'm Four Days Into Quitting Smoking, And No One's Dead, Especially Me, Who Is Probably Less Dead

Tuesday, September 8, 2009 — Trepidatious About The Metaphorical Back-To-School-ness Of The Season

Sunday, August 16, 2009 — No Longer Dreaming Alone

Tuesday, August 11, 2009 — A Taste Of Adulthood With A Twist Of Soap

Thursday, July 30, 2009 — We Went Camping, And It Was Good

Friday, July 3, 2009 — Refined

Monday, June 22, 2009 — Red Things For My Brother And I

Sunday, June 7, 2009 — My Defense For People Watching Their Mouths

Friday, May 15, 2009 — Depression-Era Dumpster Food

Monday, May 4, 2009 — Like There's A Guy With A Knife On My Lawn

Wednesday, April 15, 2009 — Pornography Is A Washed-Up Unicorn

Sunday, April 5, 2009 — My First Crush Was Probably On Sam The Eagle

Tuesday, March 24, 2009 — Schmutzie Dancing Is Not good for Kittens or Other Living Things

Monday, March 23, 2009 — There's Power In Anger

Saturday, March 21, 2009 — Paper On a Wire

Monday, March 2, 2008 — Been Caught Stealing

Monday, February 23, 2009 — A Short Timeline of My First Ten Years, Round Two

Thursday, February 19, 2009 — Creep

Thursday, February 12, 2009 — Keep Showing Up

Saturday, February 7, 2009 — Impressions from Las Vegas

Saturday, January 24, 2009 — A Baby, A Mama, And an Unfortunate Sentence

Wednesday, January 14, 2009 — Meet Edwina, The Macrocephalic, Pasties-Wearing, Knocked-Up Crackpot

Tuesday, December 16, 2008 — Lula, You'll Be A Woman Soon

Sunday, December 7, 2008 — Pretty Good

Friday, December 5, 2008 — The Sky And I

Thursday, November 27, 2008 — Would You Like To Feel One Of Our Breasts?

Thursday, November 13, 2008 — Yar! I Bite Your Everything.

Wednesday, November 12, 2008 — The Poppy

Tuesday, November 4, 2008 — The Girl Who Came From Love

Thursday, October 30, 2008 — This Wide, Wild World

Monday, October 20, 2008 — Hayrides Are Dangerous And Harrowing Things That I Do Not Like

Thursday, October 9, 2008 — A Picture Of A Man And His Gourd Goes Terribly Awry

Wednesday, October 1, 2008 — The Shape of Grief

Monday, September 29, 2008 — Jingly Balls All Night Long

Wednesday, September 24, 2008 — My Belly: No Longer The White Elephant

Thursday, September 18, 2008 — Thus Spake The Palinode

Tuesday, September 9, 2008 — For The Love Of An Ear

Sunday, August 31, 2008 — The Garden Font

Tuesday, August 19, 2008 — Help! I've Pooped Illegally!

Saturday, August 16, 2008 — Swearing Can Change Your Life

Saturday, July 19, 2008 — A Little Old Man And A Touch Of Comfort

Thursday, July 10, 2008 — Curling Rink In A Quonset

Tuesday, July 1, 2008 — Home Is Where My Head Is

Thursday, June 26, 2008 — Our Cat Might Need Therapy

Tuesday, June 24, 2008 — The Ugliest Break-Up

Saturday, June 7, 2008 — The Non-Fire

Tuesday, May 27, 2008 — Too Much Information About My Doctor's Appointment

Sunday, May 11, 2008 — Not So Good Vibrations

Sunday, May 11, 2008 — Searching For The Underbelly

Thursday, May 8, 2008 — Nerd Nerd Nerd Fame Nerd Nerd

Tuesday, April 29, 2008 — Snowsuit Survival

Friday, April 25, 2008 — My First Movie Theatre Experience

Wednesday, April 23, 2008 — I Am Not A Breeder

Monday, April 21, 2008 — My Sweet Widdle Gopher

Wednesday, March 26, 2008 — Discrete

Tuesday, March 11, 2008 — And, Lo! I Have A Spirit Animal.

Monday, March 3, 2008 — I Could Always Dream About The Seaspray Laundry

Thursday, February 28, 2008 — Me And The Palinode And A Homeless Guy Make Three

Saturday, February 16, 2008 — I'm Eighty-Five And Holding

Thursday, February 14, 2008 — 1,000 Words About Things I Love

Friday, January 11, 2008 — In The Field, 1987

Thursday, January 10, 2008 — Pushing Punch Cards Into Slots

Thursday, January 3, 2008 — Why I Am Done With Cats Today

Tuesday, December 25, 2007 — Where I Live

Wednesday, December 12, 2007 — Socks In Crocs

Wednesday, December 5, 2007 — An Alphabetic Confession Of Apologies Never Delivered

Monday, November 26, 2007 — A Proust-Induced Eye Injury

Thursday, November 8, 2007 — How To Unclog A Shower Head On The Cheap The Environmentally Friendly Way

Tuesday, October 30, 2007 — Why I Don't Like Halloween

Monday, October 22, 2007 — Stumbling Upon The Ecstatic

Saturday, October 6, 2007 — One Cat, Two Cats, Rottweiler, Man

Monday, October 1, 2007 — Rage, Rage Against The Dying Of The Light

Sunday, September 30, 2007 — How To Create An Effect Not Entirely Unlike A Lomo Camera With Adobe Photoshop CS2

Sunday, September 16, 2007 — The Root Of Creation

Thursday, September 6, 2007 — A Short Timeline Of My First Ten Years

Monday, September 3, 2007 — Two Cigarettes

Sunday, August 12, 2007 — The New Project Begins

Thursday, August 9, 2007 — At One Remove

Sunday, July 29, 2007 — A Woman Is Little More Than A Procreative Device, And Don't You Forget It

Saturday, July 28, 2007 — What I've Learned About Keeping A Personal Weblog So Far

Saturday, July 7, 2007 — I Have A Rubber Cock And A New Hobby

Saturday, June 30, 2007 — I Nudged Him Hard, Saying: "Come, Gloopy Bastard, As Thou Art"

Friday, June 8, 2007 — The Last Day Of Our Acquaintance

Friday, June 1, 2007 — Almost There

Monday, May 28, 2007 — Spousal Abuse For The Price Of A Kiss, A Lesson In Lying, Circles, And Not Getting Felt Up

Friday, May 11, 2007 — The Big News

Wednesday, May 2, 2007 — How The LEEP Thing Went plus Bonus Unrelated Pictures Of My Cat, Onion

Sunday, April 15, 2007 — Embracing This Meat Machine A Little Bit At A Time

Wednesday, April 11, 2007 — The Chicken And The Egg

Tuesday, April 3, 2007 — Hell, Redemption, And The Easter Bunny

Tuesday, March 27, 2007 — Was And Now

Tuesday, March 13, 2007 — If The Ham's Satanic, You Know What To Do With It

Monday, February 5, 2007 — A Bath, A Stream, And The Loss Of Safe Water

Wednesday, January 10, 2007 — I Was Once A Member Of The Corey Hart Fan Club

Monday, January 8, 2007 — A Deep Dark Hole Filled With Cats And Home Repair

Tuesday, January 2, 2007 — Privacy Schmivacy

Saturday, December 23, 2006 — Just Another (Mostly) Hairless Biped With Opposable Thumbs

Thursday, November 30, 2006 — In Want Of A Colposcope

Tuesday, November 21, 2006 — Punchdrunk

Monday, November 13, 2006 — Love/Hate And Roller Skates

Monday, November 6, 2006 — Fussy And Tedious And Consuming Heedlessly

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Thursday, June 1, 2006 — My Invention

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Monday, April 24, 2006 — Dead Pet Photos! One Time Only!

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Wednesday, March 29, 2006 — First I Was Angry, And Then I Was Sad, And Then I Grew Up A Little More

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Wednesday, December 14, 2005 — Phantom Odour

Saturday, November 24, 2005 — Tuesday Was A Glo-Ball Waiting To Happen

Saturday, November 5, 2005 — A Frenzy Of Displaced Nostalgia

Saturday, October 29, 2005 — It's Kind Of Like Looking At That Book About Cats That Paint, Only Different

Wednesday, September 28, 2005 — If It Doesn't Belong To You, Leave It Alone

Friday, September 9, 2005 — He May Be A Junkyard Semi-Feral Freakshow, But He's Our Junkyard Semi-Feral Freakshow

Wednesday, August 31, 2005 — Being Five And The Other Thing

Tuesday, August 9, 2005 — Baby Moose On The Rise

Sunday, August 7, 2005 — Fuck It

Monday, June 20, 2005 — Hovering At The Edge Of Things

Tuesday, June 7, 2005 — Me And The Clique Girls (or Why I Am Only A So-So Swimmer)

Wednesday, June 1, 2005 — One Hundred Things In A List In No Apparent Order Revisited

Friday, May 20, 2005 — She Gave Me A Blanket Of Bees And Crabapple Blossoms

Sunday, May 8, 2005 — Less Talking, More Isolation

Wednesday, April 6, 2005 — The Force Of Return

Friday, April 1, 2005 — A Post In Which The Fiery One And I Converse

Wednesday, March 9, 2005 — The Uncle And The Pendant

Wednesday, March 2, 2005 — Feldspar And Pointy Sticks Call For Beer, Beer, Beer

Monday, November 22, 2004 — I Am A Raucous Ball Of Joy Today, Oh Yes, I Am

Monday, October 25, 2004 — A Love Letter To See Us Through Six Days

Thursday, August 26, 2004 — How To Get Around In Australia Without Actually Going There

Sunday, August 1, 2004 — Animal Heat At The Zoo

Sunday, May 2, 2004 — One Hundred Things In A List In No Apparent Order